Mediation can work for almost any divorcing couple or parents with custody conflicts. While cooperating couples may choose mediation from the outset, even families with high conflict divorces can benefit from family, custody or divorce mediation. Because litigation encourages acrimony and conflict, it's actually the high conflict divorces and custody cases that can benefit most from mediation. Divorce Mediation works because:

1. You determine the schedule and the issues. Because you set the schedule, divorce mediation is much faster than family litigation--you don't have to rely on the court's schedule. To use a local example, the Los Angeles Superior Court is very over-burdened with divorce and family law cases, and delays can last for months. In divorce mediation, you can usually get a mediation appointment within days.

2. You control the cost of the mediation and divorce, which is typically less than 1/3 of the cost of a traditional divorce case.

3. You have the flexibility of taking time to consider how a decision reached in mediation will affect your future. You can agree to "try out" agreements to see how they work, and make changes as you learn more about how these agreements work in practice. You make the decisions you'll be living with—not a judge.

4. Because you participate in each decision, the outcome is tailored to your family. When you litigate and have a judge make decisions for you, the outcome can be unpredictable, as well as impractical for your family.

5. Divorce Mediation is healthier for you and your family, since part of mediation is learning to communicate better, which is especially important when children are involved. Agreements made in mediation have a higher degree of compliance and success than those negotiated in the courthouse, because you control the outcome.

6. Divorce Mediation is confidential and private. You can discuss the issues that are important to you in the privacy of the mediator's office, rather than a crowded courthouse hallway. A mediator's files are confidential. Court files are public records that anyone can see.

7. You can always choose to litigate if mediation is unsuccessful. It's much more difficult to choose to mediate (but not impossible) after litigation has fueled the fire of conflict and made it more difficult for you to communicate and trust each other.

8. You can choose your mediator, but you cannot choose your judge. Because you can choose your mediator, you can decide what kind of mediator will work best for you. Would therapist be helpful in determining custody and parenting plans? Would an attorney with some financial planning background be helpful in deciding how to divide assets? You can also choose to include several professionals in your mediation as consultants.

9. It's the mediator's job to make sure that everyone gets a chance to express all of his or her concerns. If your spouse has been overbearing in the marriage, or you've been too shy to express yourself, the mediator will help balance the power between the two of you. In court, it's too often a matter of whose lawyer is the squeakiest wheel.

10. For all these reasons, mediation is less stressful for you, your children, and your family.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can My Mediator Handle all of the Paperwork for Us?
Yes. Peace Talks Mediation can prepare, file, and serve all of the necessary paperwork for you for a flat fee. We have both an attorney and a paralegal on staff.

If you prefer, you have other options for filing the paperwork, including doing it yourself, hiring a paralegal or document preparation service, or hiring another lawyer to prepare the paperwork for you. Either way, the basic procedure is the same.

What Papers Does The Court Require in a Divorce or Family Law Case?
Every divorce starts with a Petition. The Petition ‘package’ is a set of papers that lists your address, the date of your marriage, the names and dates of birth of your children, an extremely basic outline of your property and whether or not you’d like spousal support, among other things. The Petition can be amended later if you change your mind about any of these items.

Do We Need to Agree Before Filing the Divorce Petition?
It isn’t necessary to reach an agreement before the Petition is filed. Many people file the Petition before even starting mediation because California has a mandatory 6 month waiting period to finalize a divorce--which leaves plenty of time to negotiate an agreement. Because the Petition contains just basic information, which can be amended later, in mediation the Petition’s purpose is to simply open your file with the Court and to get the waiting period started.

Does it Make a Difference Who Files the Divorce Petition?
It doesn’t make much difference who files the Petition. Legally, the difference between the Petitioner (the person who files the Petition) and the Respondent (the person who receives the Petition) is very subtle. For example, in the event of a trial, the Petitioner gets to choose whether or not to be the first to testify in court. As a practical matter, over 98% of all divorce cases settle before a trial. As you can see, in most cases, legally it doesn ’t matter who files the Petition.

It may make a difference to you emotionally who files the Petition, however, because the Petitioner is the person who is legally asking the Court for the divorce. For many couples, this is an emotionally meaningful decision.

What is the Filing Fee for a Divorce?
The Court’s filing fee for the Petition in Los Angeles County is $299.50. Your check should be made payable to the “Clerk of the Superior Court”. The filing fee is different in different counties, and it changes from time to time, so double check the fee on your local court’s web site before filing your Petition.

How Does the Petition Get to the Other Person?
Once the Petition package has been filed with the Court, it must be served on the Respondent (the person receiving the petition). This service of process can be done by mail. When the Respondent receives the Petition in the mail, he or she simply signs a receipt that says he or she received the papers. This receipt is called a Notice and Acknowledgment of Receipt and it simply states that the Respondent received the papers—not that he or she agrees with the papers or the divorce in general.

If the Respondent won’t sign the Notice and Acknowledgment of Receipt, he or she needs to be served with the papers. Typically, an Attorney Service is hired to serve the papers. This costs between $50 and $200, depending on how difficult it is to find the Respondent to deliver the papers.

Obviously, signing the Notice and Acknowledgement of Receipt is easier, faster and cheaper than having the Respondent served. It’s also more private and less embarrassing.

What Does The Other Person Do After Receiving the Divorce Petition?
Once the Petition papers have been served, the Respondent has 30 days to file a Response. The Response is basically the same as the Petition, only it’s filed by the Respondent. The Court’s filing fee for the Response in Los Angeles County is $296.20 Your check should be made payable to the “Clerk of the Superior Court”.

In mediation, many Respondents decide not to bother with a Response if it looks as though an agreement will be reached soon. The Court’s “Response” filing fee is then paid when the agreement is filed, since no Response has been filed. At Peace Talks, we encourage Respondents to file a Response, and prepare it along with the Petition for one flat fee.

Is There a Waiting Period Before the Divorce Can be Finalized?
California has a mandatory 6 month waiting period, or “cooling off” period. This waiting period begins on the day that the Respondent signs the Notice and Acknowledgment of Receipt indicating he or she received the papers, or the day that the Respondent is served with the papers (whichever applies).

Once an agreement is reached, it can be signed and filed with the Court before the 6 month waiting period expires, and the Court will (generally) pre-approve the agreement. You won’t be officially divorced until the 6 months is over, but you can start living by your agreement while you wait for the official Notice of Entry of Judgment to be mailed from the Court stating that you are officially divorced.

Typically, the Los Angeles Superior Court takes 3 months to review Agreements and enter them into the Court records, so most people file their agreement as soon as it’s ready rather than waiting for the 6 months to expire.

What Happens After 6 Months if We Haven’t Filed An Agreement?
Nothing happens. If no agreement is reached, the 6 month waiting period will simply pass without anything happening. If you want or need the Court to take action, it is up to you to make a request of the Court to take action. Nothing happens automatically.

If you haven’t reached an agreement, and you are no longer in mediation, you may need to file a Motion or Request for Trial Setting in Court to force the next step in your case to happen. You will probably want to speak to an attorney to find out more about this in the event that you need to take steps outside of the mediation process.

How is Child Support Set in a Divorce or Family Law Case?
California has a law which sets the child support amount based on your and your spouse's (or other parent's income, if you're not married) incomes after federal taxes, state taxes, social security, and other mandatory deductions.

Peace Talks uses a court-approved computer program to calculate the Guideline child support, and we can run these calculations for you in your mediation session if you wish.

Income includes overtime, bonuses and commissions, unemployment compensation and worker's compensation benefits.

How long does a divorce take?
California's mandatory waiting period is 6 months from the date the divorce complaint is served.

How is property divided?
California is a community property state, meaning that virtually everything which accumulated during your marriage will be divided equally between the two of you, with a few exceptions.

How is custody decided?
Custody is decided based on the best interests of your children. Each case is decided on a case by case basis. The judge considers things like the relationship you each have with the children, and which parent will encourage more education, visitation with the other parent and his or her family, and which parent has a more stable home life to offer a child.

Because the standard "best interests" is so flexible, it's hard to know what a judge would do in the event of a trial. The other problem is that a judge will only have a few hours worth of testimony and a report prepared by the family conciliation office to use to make the decision about where your children will live and how often they will see you. That's not much information. There's no way the judge will know for sure if what is ordered is really in your children's best interests. Only you and your children's other parent know that.

If we can't settle, can I tell the judge my story and let the judge decide?
You can always stop mediating and begin litigating. We believe that's almost never the right solution, because of the stress and toll it takes on your and your family (not to mention the expense), but it's always an option.

Articles, Plans & Checklists

Resource Links

General Website Search Tip
Because the internet changes daily, consider typing in key divorce words such as "divorce mediation", "child custody", "child support" along with the name of your state to get state-specific information.

Many courts have their own web sites. The Los Angeles Superior Court is improving its web site all the time. Find it at http://www.lasuperiorcourt.org.

Court Web SitesMany courts have their own web sites. The Los Angeles Superior Court is improving its web site all the time. Find it at http://www.lasuperiorcourt.org

The premier self-help law site is run by Nolo Press, a company dedicated for the past 28 years to helping individuals navigate the sometimes murky waters of the law. Find do-it-yourself kits for things such as divorce and estate planning, and a comprehensive site on many topics. Nolo press is known for its accuracy, and its products are typically very trustworthy.

A huge database of legal topics to help with your research can be found at Cornell Law School's great legal research site. They also have direct links to the law of each of the 50 states.

A comprehensive site with links to attorney and legal-research-oriented topics is All Law.com

Check out your lawyer at Lawyers.com, a site sponsored by Martindale Hubbell, the nation's leading directory of lawyers. Attorneys are listed by specialty and geographic area, among other choices. Because Martindale is a paid subscription service, however, many smaller firms aren't listed.

Computerized Databases
Computerized DatabasesYou can use computerized databases such as Lexis and Westlaw (available online, for a fee). Some libraries may offer this service as well as CD Roms such as LawDesk to search the names of lawyers, judges, and witnesses. Simply type the person's name into the search field, and see if their name appears in any cases. You can then read that judge's decisions, or cases in which the attorney was involved.

DIVORCE INFORMATION

Useful California Divorce Sites
If you are getting divorced in California, you should be aware that California has its own specific laws and procedures. The following websites are helpful in understanding California law and how they apply to your divorce.

This link will take you to a one page summary of California divorce laws.

This website offers links to California court forms, resources, and information about California divorces.

DivorceNet® is the Internet's largest divorce resource, offering state-specific articles, an online community and a nationwide directory of divorce lawyers, mediators and financial professionals.

Divorce Headquarters is a source for divorce issues including alimony, child support, child custody, visitation, separation agreements, financial, divorce attorneys, divorce mediators, divorce services, free child support calculator, and more.

Divorce Central offers help, support, and information, and the opportunity to communicate with others who are in various stages of decision-making, mourning, mediating, settling, litigating, and just plain "dealing” with divorce.

Divorce Care provides you with resources to help you deal with the pain and emotions of a divorce. It offers information about local support groups and advice on looking forward and rebuilding your life.

Divorce Info is a very comprehensive site with a lot of information on divorce in very simple language. This site covers the legal and emotional aspects of divorce. Because the website has a lot of information, I found that going to the site map

Divorce Directory offers a broad range of national and local based services on the web. This site also includes informative statistics and articles on divorce.

The Divorce Source website gives resources, fee based divorce tools, and state based information.

Asset Searches
Many asset searches charge a fee for their services. Be sure to inquire about the fees prior to utilizing such services. Because online businesses are difficult to monitor, be very wary. Neither the authors nor the publisher of Your Divorce Advisor endorse or encourage the use of such services. If you decide to use a service and would like to provide feedback (positive or negative), we'd love to include it on our site. If you have other suggestions for sites you've used, we'd love to hear them. E-mail us at mediator@peace-talks.com.

That said, the most reputable and reasonably priced service around seems to be Choice Point, which has access to many public records databases. Contact them on the web or phone (888) 333-3365.

Public Records Databases
Public records database search charges pay-as-you-go.

www.1800ussearch.com offers a background-oriented public records search (such as where someone's lived, and whether they lived with someone else) for $20-$40

Criminal Records database search: costs $25-$45

You can also try public records database, asset, and people searches through a number of other sites

www.freepublicrecords.com

www.firstinc.com

www.recordsbureau.com

www.peoplefinders.com

www.intelius.com

You can find the name and address of the person behind the phone number with online reverse telephone directories, including:

www.reversephonedirectory.com

FINANCIAL INFORMATION

Credit Cards

You will want to double check that all your joint credit card accounts are closed, and for $40 www.myfico.com will give you a credit report from each of the 3 credit reporting agencies along with tips on how to improve your credit score.

You’ll also want to check www.myfico.com before you apply for a loan.

Credit Reports

Credit Reports
Experian, NCAC,
PO Box 2106
Allen, TX 75013-2106
(800) 397-3742

www.experian.com

Trans Union
PO Box 403
Springfield, PA 19064-0390
(800) 916-8800
(800) 888-4213

www.transunion.com

Equifax
PO Box 740241
Atlanta, GA 30374
(800) 685-1111

www.equifax.com

Helpful Financial Calculators

Both of the websites listed below have various online calculators to help you compute mortgages, auto loans, credit, retirement, and savings.

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/calculators/calculator.htm

http://www.dinkytown.net/

Financial Planners
Your divorce financial settlement needs to be more than 50/50 or fair according to the law. It needs to be the best decision for you and your future family, taking into consideration investment priorities as well. We at Peace Talks suggest that you see an accountant or financial planner as part of your divorce.

We can refer you to a local accountant or financial planner by calling our office at (310) 301-2100

The Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts https://www.institutedfa.com/ReferralSearchPage.aspx] also has referrals of certified analysts that you can look for by zip code, city, or state.

Another source for finding a financial planner would be through the Association of Divorce Financial Planners website [http://www.divorceandfinance.com]. Their members practice in New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and Massachusetts.

Retirement Plans or 401(k)
Pension Appraisers [http://www.pensionappraisers.com] is a national pension appraisal and Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) drafting firm. For a reasonable cost, they can do a pension appraisal or draft your QDRO paperwork. Diana has been using them since 1988, and they have always been reliable.

Asset Searches
Many asset searches charge a fee for their services. Be sure to inquire about the fees prior to utilizing such services. Because online businesses are difficult to monitor, be very wary. Neither the authors nor the publisher of Your Divorce Advisor endorse or encourage the use of such services. If you decide to use a service and would like to provide feedback (positive or negative), we'd love to include it on our site. If you have other suggestions for sites you've used, we'd love to hear them. E-mail us at mediator@peace-talks.com.

That said, the most reputable and reasonably priced service around seems to be Choice Point, which has access to many public records databases. Contact them on the web or phone (888) 333-3365

Government Information
Social Security Administration: www.ssa.gov
IRS Internet Address: www.irs.ustreas.gov/prod/cover.html

Estate Planning
Peace Talks can refer you to a qualified local estate planning attorney. Give us a call (310) 301-2100 or email us at mediator@peace-talks.com.

Get a referral to a qualified estate planning lawyer at the official web site of the American College of Trust and Estate Counsel. Double check your pick at Lawyers.com to see if she or he is listed with Martindale Hubbell, the leading publisher of legal directories. Lawyers are listed by geographical area and specialty.

Prepare for your appointment with this estate planner by using the forms and tips on Rushforth.net.

Don't forget Nolo Press's do-it-yourself estate planning kits and information.

INSURANCE INFORMATION

Health Insurance
If you have health insurance through your spouse’s employer, you’ll be eligible to stay on that coverage at your own expense (or your spouse’s expense) for up to 35 months through COBRA coverage. The problem is that COBRA coverage is typically very expensive. You may want to shop around for health insurance before finalizing your divorce. Our office can recommend you to an insurance broker if you’ll give us a call. You can also check www.healthinsurancefinders.com, a web site that helps people shop for health insurance.

Life Insurance
We usually suggest that both parents have life insurance. If you don’t have children, you will want to have life insurance insuring your spouse’s life as long as you have intertwined finances, like a joint home mortgage or you’re paying or owe spousal support or alimony.

We often recommend that clients consider 20 year level term coverage. Term coverage is less expensive than Whole Life policies, and it doesn’t accrue a cash value, but it still provides a death benefit in the event of your untimely demise. “Level premium” insurance offers a fixed rate for a set period of time (e.g., 20 years). This insures that the cost of the policy won’t rise, even if you become sick or uninsurable later on.

You can get a quote on line at www.accuquote.com and on numerous other web sites as well as through insurance brokers. Amica Life Insurance has also recently dropped their rates for level term insurance. You can contact them at www.amica.com or (800) 234-5433

BOOKS

There are several divorce books on the market that are filled with helpful tips, information, and insight. Of course, Diana’s book, Your Divorce Advisor, is terrific, but there are also some other great books on the subject. Here are few of our favorites:

Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce, by Diana Mercer and Marsha Kline Pruett. Fireside, 2001

Getting Divorced Without Ruining Your Life: A Reasoned, Practical Guide to the Legal, Emotional and Financial Ins and Outs of Negotiating a Divorce Settlement, by Sam Margulies. Fireside, Revised and Updated Edition 2001

Using Divorce Mediation: Save Your Money & Your Sanity, by Katherine E. Stoner. Nolo, 2^nd edition 2004

Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce by Violet Woodhouse and Dale Fetherling. NOLO, 7th edition 2004

Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide For Changing Families (Paperback) by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown. Marc Brown, Reprint Edition 1988

It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents & Young Children During Divorce by Vickie Lansky and Jane Prince. Book Peddlers,1998

Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci. Fireside, Revised Edition 1997

DIVORCE AND PARENTING SUPPORT

Divorce Support Groups
Divorce support groups have been growing in popularity. They are often offered at your local church or community center. One of the oldest divorce support groups in the Los Angeles area is Divorce Dialogue. Divorce Dialogue is a support group for men and women who are separated, divorced, or considering either.

If you don’t live in the Los Angeles area, go to www.gocitykids.com, which provides various resources for parents and children in specific areas.

www.breakthroughparenting.com. The Breakthrough Parenting program equips parents with the tools to effectively communicate and create healthy relationships with their children.

www.uptoparents.org This organization has created an online interactive game for parents to take a timeout from their conflict to consider 100 Commitments they could make to their children in periods of conflict and stress. Children have critical needs during times of high stress, such as a divorce. Parents can effectively meet those needs when they arm themselves with the knowledge and tools necessary to protect their children. On this site, the “life jackets” section has great articles for parents with children.

MEDIATION

Mediator Organizations
There are several mediator organizations that can refer you to a local mediator in your area or provide you information on how to become a mediator.

How To Become A Mediator
People from a wide variety of backgrounds can make good mediators. Presently in California, there are no licensing requirements, which makes the answer to the question “How do I become a mediator?” as individual as the mediators themselves. For more information see our article "How Do I Become a Mediator?" (in Adobe PDF format).

There are also several great books on becoming a mediator:

Mediation Career Guide: A Strategic Approach to Building a Successful Practice by Forrest S. Mosten. Jossey-Bass, 2001.

If you’d like to explore whether or not a career in mediation is right for you, this is THE book to help you do that. It will help you decide if you have the skills, personality and commitment necessary to become a mediator

Becoming a Mediator: An Insider's Guide to Exploring Careers in Mediation, by Peter Lovenheim, Jossey-Bass, 2002

Pick this book up if you are ready to open your own mediation practice. Becoming a Mediator is a practical, nuts-and-bolts guide to breaking into the field and a no-nonsense approach to the reality of current professional opportunities.

The Mediation Process: Practical Strategies for Resolving Conflict by Christopher W. Moore, Jossey-Bass, 3^rd edition 2003

The Mediation Process has become a landmark resource for mediation. This book will provide you the fundamentals and origins of mediation as well as discussing contemporary issues in the mediation practice.

ATTORNEYS

Attorneys (Los Angeles Area)
Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc. maintains a good referral list of mediation friendly attorneys and can make a recommendation based on what you need. Please call (310) 301-2100 or email us at mediator@peace-talks.com so that we may be able to provide this information to you.

Mediation participants use supporting attorneys in different ways—some not at all, some a little, and some every step of the way. We think it’s a good idea to meet with someone at the beginning of the process so you get an idea of your rights and to establish a relationship with them so when you have questions you have someone who you trust who you can call.

All of the attorneys on this list support the mediation process and will work on an hourly basis to help you with all of your questions, discuss your rights, help you formulate proposals, prepare your financial disclosures, and go over your final agreement….as much or as little as you wish. They will even attend mediation sessions with you’d like.

Of course, you’re free to use any attorney you’d like—not just someone from this list. But how can you be sure that a lawyer is truly “mediation friendly”? We think that these are some of the questions to ask and answers to look for:

Attorney Referral Organizations
Los Angeles County Bar Association Lawyer Referral Panel: (213) 627-2727
Beverly Hills Bar Association (310) 553-4022

PREPARING TO DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA

10 Tips on Why Divorce Mediation Works

Frequently Asked Questions

Articles, Plans & Checklists

Resource Links

DIVORCE INFORMATION

FINANCIAL INFORMATION

INSURANCE INFORMATION

BOOKS

DIVORCE AND PARENTING SUPPORT

MEDIATION

ATTORNEYS