Working With Your Spouse | Mediation Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Working with Your Spouse’

What if My Spouse is Lying?

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

If you know that your spouse is lying, inform your lawyer. You are not permitted to talk during the trial while someone else is testifying, so write down anything that your spouse (or anyone else) says that is not true. If it’s urgent, slide the paper over to your lawyer so he or she can read it immediately. If it can wait, talk to your lawyer during a court break. Never allow yourself to have an emotional outburst while court is in session.

Immediately think about what you or someone else knows that will prove that your spouse is lying. If there is a document already in evidence which proves that your spouse is lying, then so much the better. Your lawyer can bring it to the attention of the court. If the court decides your spouse is lying, his or her entire case will be undermined, even if the lie is about a small issue. Click here for an article about spouses lying during divorce cases.

Sometimes the lie is about such a small issue that it isn’t worth bringing up to the court or the judge. Sometimes what you perceive as a “lie” is just a different person’s interpretation of the facts. On the other hand, if your spouse says, “I never took money out of the account” and you have canceled checks from the account showing he or she withdrew $2,000 two days before filing divorce papers, this needs to come to the court’s attention. You and your lawyer can decide together what is worthwhile to pursue, and what is best let go.

Why your spouse’s lie feels so horrible and how to react

Because so much is on the line at trial, when your spouse lies it inflames your sense of injustice. This person is taking you and your life apart, and then trying to lie, putting money above a relationship to you or your children. It reminds you of all the unfairness in the relationship, all the broken promises and smashed dreams. You are especially angry if you know that your spouse is capable of being a more decent person when less self-interested. It is infuriating to have someone get away with an injustice in the forum that is supposed to protect people and see through the deceit. You long for the court to see through your spouse’s manipulations; can’t somebody see what he or she does when it is so obvious?! Whether or not the court can tell that this is a lie, such behavior will likely resurface many times again. You must accept that others may not be able to see your ex as you do, and that you may never get justice. Let it remind you that this is why you are divorcing and it is more important to minimize future interactions with this person than to prove something here. Let it reinforce that you are fighting to separate your lives, not to punish each other. For some information about how to get support when things are tough, click here.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Lying, Pretrial Prep, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Conflict Management, Divorce Preparation, Emotions During Divorce, Litigation | Comments Off

Court Sponsored Settlement Conferences

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

In most jurisdictions, before scheduling a trial, the Court will order a settlement conference. These settlement conferences are the court’s last attempt to help you settle the matter before trial, and they are mandatory. They may be called pre-trials, mediations, special masters sessions, alternative dispute resolutions, or mandatory settlement conferences, and are typically scheduled to last between a half hour and a day.

The Court may or may not furnish a settlement officer. For example, in Connecticut the court furnishes an officer from the Family Relations Office, and if you are unable to settle your case using the Family Relations Office, the court will supply a judge to act as a settlement officer. If you have a contested custody matter, you may also participate in a settlement conference using an attorney-therapist team. In California, volunteer programs through the bar association supply lawyers to assist in settlement conferences. Other states’ programs team a lawyer and mental health professional to make recommendations. Typically, clients don’t participate directly in this process but wait in the hallway to discuss, accept or reject the recommendations made by the officers. You may only have a few minutes to talk with your lawyer about the recommendations before being required to respond. At this stage, if not before, the benefits of private mediations discussed in Chapter 3 become apparent.

You have the option of rejecting recommendations made, but it is often counter-productive to do so when an experienced officer of the court tells you your likely outcomes in the event of a trial.

Once your case has been negotiated and, hopefully, settled, you can ask the court for a date upon which you can do an uncontested divorce hearing where you will present the agreement for the judge to approve. If you do not settle your case at this stage, a trial is scheduled.

If you are not sure where to get started, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Creating Fair Settlements, Working with Your Divorce Lawyer, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Preparing for Court | Comments Off

Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Hyperventilating yet? This season is supposed to be a time of abundance, but it might be that the only abundant thing in your life right now is a lot of “supposed to’s.” You’re supposed to be brimming with generous spirit, living it up at all of your friends’ holiday parties, be turning over a new leaf at New Year’s, and your family is supposed to be all together, knocking each others’ socks off with a frenzy of gifts and a big meal. Those expectations inevitably lead to a big let down when you feel like you’ve totally overdone it or you’re disappointed you didn’t have enough.

This season more frightening than fun for many people, and especially for separated couples. Negotiating changes that involve children are even worse. The basic tenets that you’re using to create a peaceful divorce are especially powerful for solving problems right now. Before you’re sucked deeper into holiday hysteria, become clear on how you are going to handle the challenges that arise and what outcome you want to create.

Communicate
If you and your spouse have not settled on how to handle the holidays, don‘t wait any longer. Schedule a time to speak with them, and your mediator if necessary, to work out a plan that you can both stick to and get it in writing. Be prepared for the conversation by being calm, ready to listen, and willing to be hard on the problem, not the person. Don’t give your kids a reason to feel like they’re the cause of the conflict; their added stress is going to escalate the difficulty for everyone.

Manage Expectations
Be ready to have the awkward conversations with your kids about how where they’ll be and what they’ll be doing will be different this year. Ideally, you and your spouse can look at your children’s wish lists together and decide what you’ll be buying so that you don’t overlap or be anxious over how much the other is spending. It will also help your kids to understand ahead of time if they’re getting one thing off their list from each parent this year instead of three things from both of you like they have in the past.

Focus on Positive Outcomes
Last month I blogged about how to create a mission statement specifically for getting through the holidays. Go back to your goals – seeing people you love (while avoiding those you don’t), turning down the drama, etc. Acknowledge the people in your support network by giving back however you can; it’ll make you feel better too.

To read more about how to manage high expectations during the holidays, click here and here.

Tags: children of divorce, Dealing with Your Spouse, Lifestyle Changes, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

You Can Never Be Too Prepared

Friday, November 27th, 2009

There are many financial and emotional benefits of working out your divorce amicably. Sometimes it is impossible to resolve things without court intervention, despite your best intentions. If the breakdown in the negotiation process is a result of your spouse’s refusal to cooperate, and if you have tried everything you can think of to make the situation more amiable to no avail, then you need to shift into a protective mode. In the event your case proceeds to trial, you will need as much information as you can get. If you are able to resolve your case before you get to trial, it will be because you were prepared. Divorce never feels fair, but you need to optimize your chances of a fair result, irrespective of the path which brought you to this end on your journey.

Putting the Evidence Together

No matter how amicable your divorce, it’s still important to assemble financial documents as soon, and as thoroughly, as possible. The pre-trial waiting period is a final chance to collect the information you will require to complete your divorce. Although it’s tempting to procrastinate, in order to maximize your chances of settling your case, you’ll need to have all of the necessary information assembled. Once you know what information you can assemble on your own, you and your lawyer will have a better idea of what documents you’ll need to get from other sources. In the event that your divorce turns adversarial, you’ll also be able to start thinking about evidence which comes from information that you can’t find in documents, such as testimony, photographs, and physical evidence.

Some of the necessary information may need to come from your spouse. His or her year-to-date earnings, pension statements, or individual bank accounts are some examples of documents that your spouse will have to provide, since you won’t typically have access to them.

The simplest way for you and your lawyer to get these documents is to make a list of what you need and to ask for them. If you and your spouse (and any attorneys involved) are cooperative, the information exchange occurs smoothly and quickly. This is the simplest, cheapest way to accomplish necessary financial disclosures. When you cannot obtain the information that you need, you will need to utilize legal procedures known as “discovery”. For articles, plans and checklists, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Some terrific books are listed at http://www.peace-talks.com/books.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Creating Fair Settlements, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Divorce Preparation | Comments Off

Personal Assessment: Are You Ready to Negotiate?

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

As you move into your divorce negotiations, consider the following personal assessment.

Have I set realistic, sensible goals? Have I accounted for our income, assets and debts and thought about which division best suits my needs? Have I ranked each asset in terms of its importance to me? If I keep my own priorities in mind, it will be easier avoid becoming trapped in arguments and self-pity when negotiations become difficult.
Have I tried to consider what is a fair resolution of this divorce from my spouse’s perspective? If what I expect from the divorce and what I’m prepared to offer to my spouse are out of balance, then I cannot expect my spouse to work with me to achieve a peaceful settlement. If I can understand my spouse’s motivations as well as my own, we can work together for resolution?
Have I considered the emotional and financial costs to me if we cannot settle our case? If I cannot have everything that I want from the settlement, is what is being offered sufficient for my needs? If I am able to weigh all of the costs and benefits of accepting or rejecting a settlement which represents a compromise of my goals, I will make the best decision under the circumstances.
Have I learned to negotiate fairly? Am I prepared to give up things which mean more to my spouse than to me without expecting anything in return? If I am committed to negotiating in good faith and am willing to compromise on less important points, I will foster an atmosphere in which we have the best chance of reaching an agreement.
Have I conducted my new life with decorum and sensitivity? Have I let my anxiety propel me into behaving thoughtlessly or impetuously? I have much to think about during this time, and much planning to do. I must not be derailed by my emotional needs, not just yet.

If you need more information, be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php. For general divorce information, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Mediation, Personal Assessment, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Negotiation | Comments Off

Handling Money at the End of Your Marriage

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

There are five financial issues that can take down a marriage – reduced circumstances, financial mistakes, caring for parents, caring for kids, and uncertainty – according to Ron Leiber, “Your Money” columnist of the New York Times. These are truly issues that affect every marriage at some point, and I thought that they warranted a little more coverage.

Reduced Circumstances: Although some people may be disappointed over the reduction in lifestyle thanks to a layoff or change of interest rate, consider how dividing up a household doesn’t reduce costs. Getting divorced will now mean that, however you and your spouse are dividing assets and responsibilities, you’re supporting two households on the same income that used to support one. Even if you have a peaceful and inexpensive divorce, it definitely does not improve reduced resources.

It might be that problem is that you were unhappy and unfulfilled in the marriage, but you stayed because of the money. Sometimes it’s easier to Spackle over problems with money than to address them. You might be thinking “I want to leave this marriage” and then balked at the tumult of taking the kids out of private school, foregoing that trip to Hawaii each year, and downsizing your car. If reduced circumstances have already stripped those things away, maybe you’ve just cleared the path to divorce.

In that case, more financial security created the problem by being a motivator for staying in an unhappy marriage, and losing those ties helped reveal the real issues.

Your Mistakes: The mistake is really that you didn’t have the difficult conversations early. I can’t tell you the number of people who come in who have railed through their home equity line of credit because they didn’t have the heart to tell their spouse to stop shopping at Fred Segal. But the discussion doesn’t revolve around the details. It needs to be a dialogue that you are both engaged in. “I want to share with you the home equity line of credit statement (or charge cards, etc). I am concerned that we are over spending. What do you think we should do?” Have the conversation as a series of “I” statements (as opposed to “you should”) and a question to open up the discussion.

The other big fight we see is “We agreed you would go back to work after the kids went to school and then you never did.”

To turn the conversation around, the approach is similar to the discussion above: “I am concerned that you’re not looking for a job when we agreed you’d go back to work when the kids were in school full time. What’s holding you back?” If it’s that the spouse has changed his/her mind, then involve him or her in the budgeting process. The loss of a second income will have an impact on the family. How can each partner take responsibility for that?

Too many people just let it ride, and four years later end up in our office feeling like they’ve been let down by the spouse who didn’t go back to work or curb spending. They realized too late that the real problem was that both people weren’t involved in making an active decision.

Your Children: While they may have started out as a surprise, their turning 18 and applying to college is not. Have the conversations about college early and often. And not just with your spouse, with the semi-adult children, too. A drastic change in circumstances is something an 18 year old is able to understand. But “we blew our wad on your siblings and didn’t plan for you” is sure to land him on a therapist’s couch.

Read more tips on dealing with finances in your relationship here: http://estestherapy.com/relationshiptips/2008/04/30/financial-stressors-keeping-your-relationship-strong-in-a-recession/, and to find out more about sharing college costs with your ex, go here: http://www.kiplinger.com/columns/drt/archive/2004/dt040826.html.

Tags: Creating Fair Settlements, Mediated Divorce, Re-entering the Workforce, Working with Your Spouse, Your Responsibilites
Posted in Cost of Divorce, Divorce and Your House, Negotiation, Property Division | Comments Off

Who to Lean On

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Manage the bulk of your anxiety through family and friends who are supportive, and turn to a mental health professional when your friends’ reassurance is insufficient to keep you focused on your own life rather than on your spouse’s. But use your lawyer only for legal questions. Call your lawyer to get help with “whats” and “hows” of the divorce, but calling him or her to report your spouse’s bad behavior is an inappropriate use that will only cost you money. Anticipating your spouse’s strategies in negotiations should be useful in helping you to practice backing up your choices with facts, examples, or alternatives. But try to spend your time planning, not in worrying about “What if she won’t let me have the kids enough time?” That kind of call to your lawyer evokes anger or frustration when the lawyer cannot fix your situation, and rarely leads to successful strategizing.

This time may be filled with a dawning awareness of the less glamorous aspects of divorce. Your quiet home now seems empty, lonely. You never realized how difficult it would be to get all three of your children to their activities without someone else to pick up Jamie at the middle school, be home when Mike calls for a ride, or get Susie to dance class, all within one hour of each other. This period often leads to re-questioning the desirability of the divorce. Couples who are acting civilly with each other in efforts to be cooperative may experience “mini-reconciliations.” These brief interludes do not last for most couples, as they slip back into the patterns that led them to divorce in the first place. They do, however, provide temporary respite during the long waiting process. When these reconciliations fail, people may emerge with renewed vigor to get the divorce over with, and become angry and frustrated with their lawyers and the legal process when it slows them down. Prepare yourself as much as possible by reading some good books about divorce (see http://www.peace-talks.com/books.php). Also, visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php for good articles, plans and checklists.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Creating a Support System, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

Negotiating for the Long Haul

Friday, October 23rd, 2009

Understanding negotiation leads to placing each conflict resolution opportunity into a broader context. Each conflict is a part of a whole negotiation strategy. The bigger picture requires a broader lens, like adding a panoramic lens to your camera to get a broader view. In addition to resolving individual conflicts, try looking at the whole picture.

Make a list of all the things you desire from the set of negotiations, and prioritize them from most to least important to you. Asterisk those items you could concede. It is important to give some things up without making a demand for something in return. You must have something to give that allows the other person to feel supported. The more generous you appear, the more likely you are to gain concessions.

Therefore, be clear from the beginning what you are prepared to give up, as a gift. When the other person offers you something, express your appreciation so that his or her gift does not feel invalidated. This increases the likelihood that such behavior will occur again. After every successful decision, write it down and give copies to all parties (both spouses and attorneys) to make sure that everyone has the same understanding of the agreement that was reached. Too often people make progress in negotiations and then disagree later about what was actually said and meant, building resentment as each person accuses the other of stalling and wasting time. If you are the person most eager to divorce, you can circumvent your partner’s stall tactics, which may not even be conscious. For a good article on negotiating in a divorce, see http://www.divorceinfo.com/negotiating.htm.

Another reason negotiations break down is because people take entrenched positions out of fear. For example, some mothers refuse to let the kids go away with their father because they are afraid the children will want to spend less time with them because their father offers more exciting weekends. Discussing this, or ensuring that Mom has money reserved for special events with her children, alleviates the fear. For some tips on conflict resolution for divorcing couples, see http://www.mediate.com/articles/kaufmano1.cfm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Dealing with Anger, Negotiation Skill, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Conflict Management | Comments Off

What Role Does Fault Play in a No Fault Divorce?

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Judges and courts aside, assignment of fault is a motivating factor in the reason spouses seek a divorce. Whether its an affair, lack of respect, domestic violence, falling out of love, or more subtle issues, “fault” is an issue in almost every decision to divorce. These feelings of “I didn’t break up the marriage, he/she did” are almost universal and often the motivation behind destructive behavior during the legal process.

Many clients feel that they must explain the reasons they want a divorce to their spouse, and this explanation includes a list of past sins. Confessing mistakes and shortcomings often makes people feel better (e.g., less guilty), and it can help them forgive themselves for their perceived failures in the marriage. This confession temptation bites early, but can continue throughout the case. By and large, the most popular sin confession is an affair.

Although admitting an affair may help you to feel less guilt, beware that it may be used against you in your divorce. It can be considered by most courts in dividing assets and determining spousal maintenance. Worse, it can add fuel to your spouse’s already burning fire of hurt, rage, and revenge. Discussing an affair with your spouse can have many beneficial psychological outcomes, but your motivations and timing should be considered carefully.

If you’re involved in an affair or other intimate-type relationship when you decide to divorce, put the relationship on hold until your case is finished. If the person with whom you’re involved cares about you, he or she can wait until your divorce is finalized to continue your relationship. It is not worth having an illicit relationship become part of your case. The court process also can put undue pressure on a relationship that might feel healthier and serve you better if timed appropriately. For another good article on how “fault” can impact the division of marital assets, see http://www.divorcenet.com/states/rhode_island/no_fault_divorce_in_ri. Terrific information on Equitable Distribution and Community Property Laws is also provided at

https://ritdml.rit.edu/dspace/bitstream/1850/927/4/Chapter-17.pdf.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Creating Fair Settlements, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in No Fault Divorce | Comments Off

Property Division in “No Fault” Divorce?

Friday, October 9th, 2009

Even in “no fault” divorce states, fault is one of the factors which the court may consider in dividing assets. That said, most courts will divide assets and property evenly between the parties unless there is some overriding reason why a 50/50 division would not be appropriate. Generally the division will not vary by more than 10% based on reasons why the marriage broke down, or punishment for the spouse who caused the marriage to break down. The judge is concerned with dividing your assets according to the law, and in a way that’s fair to each of you. He or she is unlikely to be overly concerned about hurtful words, or even affairs, because such circumstances connote many marriages that fail. An experienced judge has heard innumerable tragic stories. Only an unusual or dramatic scenario captures the attention of most judges, a scenario that goes beyond an office affair or devastating argument.

The relative disinterest by the court in fault has changed drastically in the past 20 years. Previously, one of the main reasons for an unequal property division was fault. The reason that the marriage broke down was attributed to one party and the punishment for that was a lesser share of the marital property awarded that spouse. That scenario becomes less common over time.

By focusing on fault issues, you can lose your path toward your ultimate goal in the case. Trials and court procedures are not designed for vindication, revenge, or clearing ones name. They’re designed to divide assets fairly between two spouses, taking into account your individual circumstances. As unfair as it seems, fault rarely constitutes a reason in the court’s eyes for dividing assets unevenly. Accepting this now will save you much heartache later, as well as time and money. For more information on the financial aspects of divorce, see http://www.peace-talks.com/finformation.php. Also visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Creating Fair Settlements, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in No Fault Divorce | Comments Off

Recent Posts

Categories

Recent Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Working with Your Spouse’

What if My Spouse is Lying?

Court Sponsored Settlement Conferences

Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

You Can Never Be Too Prepared

Personal Assessment: Are You Ready to Negotiate?

Handling Money at the End of Your Marriage

Who to Lean On

Negotiating for the Long Haul

What Role Does Fault Play in a No Fault Divorce?

Property Division in “No Fault” Divorce?