Resist the Temptation to be a Disneyland Parent
The parent who leaves the marital home, most often the father in our society, may fear that he will lose his children. You may know you won’t lose their love, but you fear that you will lose the chance to have control or say about what happens with them. This fear can add significantly to the stress and anxiety that is part and parcel of divorce. This fear and its impending sense of loss can lead to your feeling that you have to be the perfect parent: the “Disneyland” parent. For an excellent article on the Disneyland parent, click here.
It’s all too easy for the non-residential parent to treat time with their children as Disneyland days. Feelings about the divorce are allayed by making it up to the children through gifts and special trips. Trips to toy stores, movies, and events help push away the awkwardness at being together again. They make the time special, and when time seems scarce, it feels like every moment must be perfect. Your children need to continue to see you as a regular person, the usual Mom or Dad. They will need to spend quiet time with you, and they need for you to be interested in their homework, their sports, friends, and all the things that concern them. If you spend your time with your children in “Disneyland”, your children will come to expect this and the relationship between you and your children will become superficial. They will come to expect fun time with you, gifts, activities, just the material goodies of life. And as we know, that is just one side of life and of being a parent.
Sometimes parents are unaware that they are competing with each other for the children’s affections by lavishing the kids with favors. This does neither of you any good, and it can actually erode your relationship with your children. You could become the fun parent, or the wealthy parent, but not the parent to turn to when it matters. Moreover, spoiling your child at this time does not do him any favors. Click here for an excellent article on how parental competition can hurt children.
Another temptation when parents are unsure of themselves is to act like a friend rather than a parent. If your children are older, you may be tempted to take them into your confidence and tell them your troubles. If they are younger, you might substitute play for other parental functions. Your children need you to be a parent now. It is reassuring to them. Do not lower your expectations of them. Be gentle, give them slack as you judge that they need it, but do not change your style wholesale. If you were the “nice’ parent, the lax disciplinarian prior to the divorce, you may have to work harder at balancing out your normative style with the discipline that children need at both houses in which they spend time.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
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