Protecting The Children | Mediation Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Protecting the Children’

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part. In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children as Pawns, Children Turning Against You, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Self Care, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

The Necessary Elements of a Parenting Plan

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

Although your plan will be as unique as your own family, each plan has some basic elements upon which to build. In addition to legal and physical custody, you will set forth additional provisions to be followed by each parent, such as picking the child up from school if he or she is ill, and how daycare will be selected. The less you plan to share parenting, the less detail you will need in your plan. The following components cover various possible arrangements, so some elements may not be pertinent to your situation. Click here for a great article on the components of a parenting plan.

Components

Legal Custody: Sole or Joint
Decision Making Authority: Who has final say for…
Schooling: private vs. public, special needs
Religion: where, when and through what level
Medical: routine vs. emergency treatments, medications, mental health treatment
Routine Needs: medical/dental appointments, transportation to activities, homework checks, child care arrangements that cross transition times
Physical Custody: Joint or Sole; one primary residence or two
Residential arrangements: how often, how long, with each parent?
Holidays/Summer/School vacations

List of major holidays

New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Valentine’s Day, Good Friday, Easter, Passover, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day, 4^th of July, Labor Day, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Birthdays

Finances: who pays for what?

Click here for a parenting plan template.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Parenting Plan, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

She has always controlled my relationship with the kids

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

In our society, couples with children generally develop complementary roles in which the fathers invest the bulk of their time in earning money for the family and the women take primary responsibility for childcare. Because women generally spend more time with their children on a daily basis than do men, they have more knowledge about the children’s daily routines, needs, and preferences. They are, in essence, gatekeepers to the children’s world. In a divorce, the gate swings closed more often than open in a defensive maneuver. The knowledge held by mothers gets clutched close to the breast, staving off further loss by hoarding it, sometimes lauding it over their spouse’s head. Click here for more on divorced mothers.

Men complain about this turn of events because they find gaining access to their children too difficult. Mom tells the kids not to answer the phone when Dad calls. Or she forgets to inform him of small but proud moments in the child’s life which he might have attended, if he’d known about them enough in advance. They fear they will lose access to their children, as punishment for the time they spent providing the family income.

Billy railed at Stephanie for using every excuse she could think of to limit the time he spent with their 10 year old son and 8 and 6 year old daughters. She wouldn’t tell him about their schedules and habits, and then filed motions in court stating that he was a derelict, uncaring father. He was so frustrated he was thinking about filing for sole custody to protect himself, although his lawyer told him he didn’t stand a chance.

Stephanie does not think it is her job to tell Billy things he “should know by now.” She always covered for him in the marriage, but she is now free of that responsibility. She doesn’t mean to exclude him, but there is so much happening it is hard enough to keep track. She is sure that the children are not his priority by what he does not know about them, and what he misses.

These two parents each think they are doing their part to protect the children and provide for their needs. Indeed they are doing what they know, and what they have always done best. But once there is a divorce, the old rules no longer pertain. It requires more work on both parts to equalize roles, information, and the chance to share child care. Sometimes mothers are controlling their children in order to wield power over their spouse, who has more power in the financial realm. Other times, it is just a perception based on differing roles within the family, and a real desire to structure the children’s hectic lives in the face of divorce chaos, while protecting them from further hurt. If you or your spouse are gate keeping, work with a competent mediator or couples’ therapist to help you realign power and communication in the relationship without assigning blame. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changes in Parenting Styles, Mothering after Divorce, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

He was never involved before – why now?

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

A common complaint from women is that their husbands were never interested in being an involved parent before the divorce, and now they want equal time after divorce. It does feel unfair if you were the primary parent, and now your husband and/or child prefer a schedule in which you have to give up valued parenting time. However don’t assume your husband is making choices just to anger you. Many men become better fathers after divorce, once they are emotionally freed from the restrictions they felt by the unhappy marriage. Pre-divorce father-child relationships are not always good predictors of post divorce father-child relationships. It may seem unfair to you, but wouldn’t you rather your child have more of his father than less? Even if you don’t, this is the child’s father, after all. And you did choose him to be the father. Divorce can open doors to positive changes for everyone. Click here for more.

Prior to divorce, Ellen had been the parent with primary responsibility for rearing the children. She took them to school, to the doctor, and to their activities. Although she and her husband worked for the same company, she left work if the children became ill during the school day. She views Bob as a good father, but emotionally distant, and too uninvolved in the children’s daily life.

Suddenly, when she filed for divorce, he became Super Dad. He spent lots of time with the children, attended their soccer games, and contacted all of their teachers to introduce himself. Although Ellen was happy about this change in Bob, she was suspicious of his motives. She was sure he just wanted to pay her less child support, as he now wanted joint custody of the children. It was difficult for her to consider sharing the children for half of the week. Yet, at the same time, she was reluctant to discourage him because the children were so obviously delighted with his new behavior.

Many women fight their husbands’ desire for joint custody in similar scenarios, seething with resentment. She can oppose his desires, or she can give him the benefit of the doubt that his motivation emanates from the heart, as opposed to financial incentive. Click here for another article about men as fathers after divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changes in Parenting Styles, New Levels of Involvement, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for the Teen Years

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Teens are interested in sexuality, individuality, peer involvement, and achieving independence. Their primary tasks are to come to terms with their changing bodies and changing moods. Social responsibility and adopting a moral code of behavior are crucial challenges that usher in the beginnings of adulthood. Although children at this stage are notorious for pushing their parents away, they need you to hang tough with them in order to feel secure. Let them push but you stay firm. They want to be heard and consulted about all aspects of parenting arrangements. They want the freedom to move between houses, sometimes to change their primary residence. Whether such moves are in their best interest depends upon the reasons and timing of their request: is this a chance to identify with the other parent and acquire some psychological space from the parent they feel most dependent on, or are they looking for lax rules and little supervision? Children at this age often believe they are more mature than they are, so be advised to gather input but to maintain final decision making authority. For excellent, free resources to help you create a parenting plan, click here.

During this time, the schedules for younger children may still work well. But teens often request more spontaneity, drop in times, and flexibility. Teens can benefit from every weekend away if parents live close by to one another. If not, summers away are often welcomed by all involved. However, employment, girl/boyfriends, and special projects generally provide the guidelines around which sensitive parents must conform. Click here for more terrific information.

An Additional Note about Overnights

Despite the guidelines listed above, there are many children who can tolerate overnights sooner rather than later. The controversy about when and how often children can tolerate overnights is still just a theoretical argument. We just what kids can tolerate. Overnights provide an important means of parent involvement: bedtimes are special moments is a child’s day. Much discussion, cuddling, teaching, and sharing can take place around evenings or mornings. If you are a father or mother who: has been involved with your child from birth; knows your child’s needs and habits; has time to focus in on your child when he is in your care; and shares a mutual, loving bond recognizable to those who know your family—then overnights should not automatically be ruled out because your child is an infant or toddler.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Parenting Plans, Protecting the Children, Teenagers
Posted in Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Emotions of Teenagers, Pareting Plans, Teenagers and Divorce, children of divorce | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for Children Age 6-12

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Children at this age are expanding their cognitive, social, and physical skills at lightening speed. Making distinctions between feelings, thoughts, and actions enables children to become socialized in ways that ensure their success in the world. They learn to understand the differences between what they wish and what they can make happen, what they do and do not have control over, and what is likely to happen and what is just a fantasy. Attachments to other people deepen, as children fall in love with friends, teachers, relatives, and other significant persons in their life. Skills related to grooming and adopting a physically attractive appearance, juggling multiple friendships and peer groups, dealing with anger and competition, and developing self-reliance are important hallmarks of this period. Values clarification is also crucial to the child’s ability to make sound decisions among competing choices. Click here for tips on creating a parenting plan.

A balance between structure and flexibility serves the children’s developmental needs best at this stage. Children need less predictability and more freedom to make arrangements around their own activities, and no matter how much they love you, insisting that they stick to an arrangement that impedes their social life is likely to build resentment. Children can handle 2-3 weekends per month with mid week stays toward the end of school age years. Four to six weeks during summer and vacations are also possible, although some spacing of weeks away from one’s primary home is recommended. Schedules in which parents share the week or month fairly evenly can be tested out during this period. William Hodges’ research indicated that children who are 7-8 years old prefer being with their non-primary parent 2-3 times per week, while older school age children (age ten and thereafter) prefer less frequent visits. Click here for some excellent parenting plan worksheets.

Almost any of the near equal arrangements or the weekend with evening contact schedules are consistent with the needs of school age children. By this age, if conflict is minimal between parents, your children are capable of helping you design the best schedule for them by telling you their desires if they do not fear of reprisal from, or feel the need to take care of, either parent.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parenting Plans, Parenting Schedules, Pre-teens, Protecting the Children
Posted in Custody, Teenagers and Divorce, children of divorce | Comments Off

Parenting Plans: The First Year of Life

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Unfortunately, too little research has been conducted regarding children’s responses to various schedules to have an empirical idea about what types of schedules work for which kinds of children and families. This means that parents are still largely on their own in setting up a schedule – using common sense and compassion about what the schedule is like for your children is still the best guidelines. However, experts in the field were gathered by the state to make recommendations about optimal schedules based on what we know about the “average” child’s capacity to manage time away from the primary caretaker(s) and still feel secure, and to handle multiple transitions. Click here for a great article on parenting plans.

The First Year of Life

In the first year of life, primary tasks for the infant include stabilizing physical routines of feeding and sleeping, and learning to trust the world through predictable contact that is nurturing and responsive to needs for feeding, diapering, and comforting on demand. Most children develop a primary attachment to the person who is responsible for their care, but they are capable of developing attachment to a second or third caretaker as well. Emphasis on predictability and familiarity facilitate healthy development for infants.

Most experts agree that for children under one year of age, the time spent with a “non-primary” parent should be consistent, predictable, and regular. Anywhere from daily to as many times a week as possible for short time periods is useful. Overnights are not recommended, and separations from a primary caretaker should be kept to eight hours or less. The easier the child’s temperament, and the more comfortable the parents are with the child in either parent’s care, the more frequent the baby’s time with the second parent can be without causing the child undue stress.

Having a primary home with 2-3 hour visits sprinkled throughout the week optimizes both parents’ opportunities to learn about who their baby is and what he or she needs. For some additional information on parenting plans, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Parenting Plans, Protecting the Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Life After Divorce, Living Arrangements, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

Developing a Schedule for Living Arrangements

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

The decision about with whom children will reside primarily may be a stressful one and can add to the ongoing conflicts between spouses. Therefore, you may be tempted to defer to your children to avoid the conflict and decision making. It is true that for older children (usually ten years or older), the court will consider where your child wants to live. This does not mean that you should ask your child with whom he or she wants to live. It is not uncommon for children to tell both parents that they wish to live with them; sometimes they change their minds based on whomever they are speaking to at that very moment. This may be a tactic to make each parent feel good, or the child may genuinely change his mind when with each parent. Children may choose the parent that they feel the most sorry for, scared of, or who has the least restrictive household rules. Your child is worried enough about the divorce situation without your adding to his concerns by asking him to choose between two parents. Click here for an article on living arrangements after divorce.

If a child is given this decision, you run the risk of invoking guilt toward the parent that was not chosen. In addition, the parent not chosen could punish the child by showing displeasure. Down the road, your children may become angry with you for passing this responsibility on to them, when it is one decision they wish you had made.

However, children often do have a preference, based more on their own needs for familiarity within their home and neighborhood than on a choice of one parent over another. They want to be near their friends, with the parent who has the best computer, with the parent who has more time to spend, or the parent whose home is most conducive to sleep overs with friends. Children can tell you where they’d like to live instead of with whom and indicates that they want to be heard about WHAT matters to them, not who. Having their opinions considered makes them feel included, valued, and recognized as persons with independent needs.

Talk to your children along with your former spouse, and encourage them to express their preferences for schedule rather than place, and be clear that the adults will make the final decisions. For more on living arrangements after divorce, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Living Arrangements, Physical Custody, Protecting the Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Life After Divorce, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

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Posts Tagged ‘Protecting the Children’

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

The Necessary Elements of a Parenting Plan

She has always controlled my relationship with the kids

He was never involved before – why now?

Parenting Plans for the Teen Years

Parenting Plans for Children Age 6-12

Parenting Plans: The First Year of Life

Developing a Schedule for Living Arrangements