Protecting Children | Mediation Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Protecting Children’

Attorneys and Guardians for Children

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

If you have a contested custody matter which cannot be solved by initial mediation sessions, the court will generally appoint either an attorney or a guardian ad litem (latin “for the case”) to represent your children. The attorney for your children represents their legal interests just as your attorney represents yours, voicing their wishes and advocating for that position. The guardian ad item’s job is to give neutral information to the court about what is in the child’s best interests, irrespective of the child’s wishes. Typically, older children will get an attorney appointed, and younger children will get a guardian, especially if they are too young to talk. But this varies across states. It will be either the attorney’s or the guardian’s responsibility to determine what the children want to do, or should do according to that adult’s judgment. The attorney or guardian can assist you in knowing how your child feels as the case progresses, and your child’s vulnerabilities which require attention. Click here for more information.

Evaluations of the Child and Family

When parents are disputing about child issues, then in addition to the court appointed advocates, the court typically orders an evaluation of the family to assist the judge in making decisions for the parents. The purpose of the evaluation is to provide the court with a full picture about the individual family members and their relationships to each other. This information will assist the judge in making decisions about parenting arrangements, depending upon the factors to which that judge decides to give most weight.

Many courts have a Family Relations Office that will conduct this study for little or no cost. You may also wish to ask for an independent custody evaluation, which is typically performed by a social worker, psychologist, or other mental health professional that the court deems competent to evaluate your case for custody and visitation issues. Either you or the court could request and/or appoint an independent evaluator. Court-sponsored evaluations conducted by Family Relations officers typically include the following elements: the evaluator will speak with the parties together, separately, with the children alone, with the children and each party, with the teachers, day care providers, doctors, extended family and anyone else who has contact with the family and who would be able to comment on the parties’ parenting abilities. The Family Relations office study is a nuts and bolts analysis of the family situation, and the parental roles within that family situation over the last several years. Court sponsored evaluations have the benefit of being less expensive, and utilizing court-related personnel who have a great deal of experience with the judges and attorneys of the judicial district they work in. They are often expert investigators, within the standards of their practice. Click here to visit a website dedicated to guardians ad litem.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Attorneys for Children, Custody, Guardians for Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

The court will often order mediation if you have not already tried to mediate your disputes with the help of a neutral third party. When trial seems imminent, the court may order an attorney for the children, or a guardian ad litem; these professionals act as advocates on the child’s behalf, charged of separating the children’s needs from the demands of either parent. The court may also order a psychological evaluation. An evaluation of the family provides the court with information needed to ascertain the family’s special strengths, problems, and issues. These components are then used in a series of court proceedings, such as a pretrial and trial. For an article on the ins and outs of contested custody cases, click here.

Court Ordered Mediation

In the course of a custody trial, the court will often ask you first to try and mediate the dispute with an officer of the court, which we will generically refer to as the Family Relations office. You also have the option of obtaining a private mediator. Typically, you will sit together with a mediator (sometimes two), and you will be expected to discuss what your concerns are about the other spouse and his or her abilities to care for the children and address their needs, and to explain what you would consider an ideal situation to be. The more reasonable and willing to negotiate that you are, the more likely it is that the mediator will be able to help you resolve the matter. Mediation is not about “strategy” or about “winning”. It is about being reasonable, organized, and succinct. By the time you get to the mediation, you should be prepared with your idea of a viable custody and visitation plan. You then want to organize yourself to present it in the best way possible. Try to stay out of the past, and focus on the future. Always listen very carefully to what is being said by your spouse. Try not to let your excitement about making your presentation result in a failure to listen to what your spouse or the mediator says. For an article on court ordered mediation, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Contested Custody, Custody, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Engaging in a contested custody dispute is a last resort proposition because it usually produces two losers, and no winners. It may be warranted if you believe that your children’s current situation places them in serious physical or psychological danger ”not discomfort” but danger. Your sense of danger is discriminated from one of discomfort when the custody and access arrangements create serious problems for your child (not you!) by seeing or living with the other parent. If you feel the child will be exposed to physical or sexual harm, or to persons and behaviors that compromise the other parent’s ability to care for the child properly or make sound judgments about her needs, AND if the situation cannot be mediated or ameliorated with outside help, then you may need to contest custody or visitation. Examples include a parent who is using and/or dealing illegal drugs, having multiple sexual encounters which the child witnesses, or who is experiencing an abrupt shift in mental functioning, such as psychotic episodes which involve the child. In these cases, it could be necessary to fight with a parent who is not thinking or acting rationally in order to protect your child. Click here for an article on custody battles.

When you are determining whether or not to contest custody, you must carefully weigh the costs. There are your legal fees, your children’s legal fees, and fees for the court-ordered evaluator. Sometimes these costs can be greater than what you’d expect to pay for your child’s college education. However, the costs of a contested custody matter reach far beyond the literal dollar cost of your case. You and your children will feel stressed beyond human endurance during the process. Contested custody trials, and matters which are headed toward contested custody trials but which ultimately settle, can be extremely time consuming, emotionally exhausting, and damaging to a family unit. Do not underestimate the trauma that this will cause your family if you and your spouse are unable to reach an agreement concerning your children’s upbringing. If you are holding out on the schedule in order to win some other concession, financial or otherwise, think again. Ask yourself, “What makes it worth it? Are the costs to my ongoing relationship with my spouse and to my children worth holding out for? Will the schedule my spouse wants me to agree to inconvenience me, sadden me, or actually harm the children or me?

Courts are set up to assist you in reaching your own agreement about your children. However, when parents are unable to resolve their differences, the court will step in to assist. The “assistance” requires that your lives and past decisions get examined in minute detail, by you, your spouse, the evaluator, and the judge. You may have to testify about your spouse’s faults and shortcomings in the same detail. You will also have to listen while your spouse testifies about every perceived misdeed and defeated expectation, and every criticism he or she has of you, your parenting, and your relationship with your children. After that, you also have to listen while the court-appointed evaluator testifies about your strengths and weaknesses as a parent, and about how your behavior has affected the children during the divorce process. Click here for 5 tips on custody battles.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Children in Danger, Custody Battles, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

Monday, September 27th, 2010

Am I doing everything I can to create a positive co-parenting environment that allows our children to have maximum access to and support from each parent? Creating a viable shared parenting arrangement requires a lot of patience and turning the other cheek. My children will benefit, and over the long run, it will help keep our divorce a productive experience.

Do the living arrangements, decision making plan, and actual schedule fit with who my children are at the present time? Gearing the schedule to the age and developmental needs of each child helps ensure its effectiveness.

Is the parenting plan specific enough to cover most likely situations at present and in the near future? Do we have a back up plan for resolving differences that will inevitably arise? Specificity helps maintain predictability and keep boundaries straight. Our plan supports our separateness without seeming burdensome. It leaves space to offer and ask for flexibility as needs arise. Click here for more resources.

Am I doing my part to maintain the plan and ensure its effectiveness for my children and all involved? Am I letting negative emotional responses leftover from the marriage interfere with implementation? If we each do our best to make this work, it will work out well.

Are our child support payments determined accurately and with fairness? Child support can be financially burdensome, but it benefits my children. I still wish to provide for them in the best way I can. That is one way I can protect them from negative impacts of divorce. Click here for a host of information about children and divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parenting Plan, Personal Assessment, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Voluntary Reduction of Wages

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

If you have had a stable salary history, child support will most likely be based on that history unless you can prove that the past is not applicable to the future, as in Henry’s situation, above. When confronted with the Child Support Guidelines and divorce, many people react by reducing overtime hours, delaying commissions or bonuses, or otherwise attempting to minimize their incomes, at least until child support is calculated and determined by the court.

This tactic is risky business. Typically, courts award child support (and alimony) based on earning capacity as opposed to actual earnings, and will not hesitate to do so when it appears that people have voluntarily reduced their earnings. Click here for a story about someone’s personal experience with this.

If your income is decreased, you will need to prove that your claimed income reduction is legitimate. For example, if your industry as a whole is shrinking (e.g., “defense contractors”), be prepared to offer industry information and statistics concerning this problem. If your work is seasonal, be prepared to offer evidence of the past 3-5 years of these cycles. If competition has been stepped up with the addition of additional workers, thereby reducing available overtime, be prepared to offer a statement from your employer outlining the changes which have been made in the workforce. If your commission structure has changed, and despite your best efforts you cannot earn what you used to earn, be prepared to explain that as well.

Most important, be prepared to prove that whatever reduction you’ve suffered in earnings is not your fault, and was not voluntary. If the court thinks that you’ve voluntarily reduced your income in an effort to minimize support payments, you risk being ordered to pay support based on previous available earnings, as opposed to your current actual earnings. Click here for another terrific article.

Many people find that their working capacity is lower during the divorce process, because they are stressed, spending so much time on their case, or in court. This constitutes a temporary situation, and will not alter your child support obligations. However, if depression or other psychological factors inhibit you from producing your normal amount of work, or maintaining your usual standard of living, explain this to the court and/or your attorney. You may be offered a temporary reprieve, with a fixed time period after which you’ll be expected to resume your normal daily operations.

The most popular phrase divorce lawyers hear is “Well if I have to pay that much, I’ll quit my job!” That’s no solution to the child support problem, however, because the court can consider your earning capacity, not just your actual earnings. So, if you reduce your overtime, quit your job, take a voluntary demotion, or do anything that voluntarily reduces your income, you take the chance that the court will base your child support on your prior earnings, not on your current earnings.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

What are Child Support Guidelines?

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Each state has Child Support Guidelines which mandate how much support each spouse must contribute toward supporting the children, based on factors which each state determines. The “guidelines” are actually very specific laws with specific calculations. Pick up a copy of your state’s guidelines at your local courthouse, library, or a lawyer’s office. Many are even posted on the internet. You can use the Guidelines to estimate expected child support payments. Each state’s calculations are different, but each takes into account what both parents earn and some of the children’s basic expenses. Child support is also based on how much time the children spend with each of you. Click here to visit a website devoted to child support guidelines.

Child Support and Income

In every state, both parents’ incomes are the key pieces of information used to calculate child support. In addition to mandatory deductions for taxes, many states take into account the children’s health insurance premiums and daycare costs, but other permitted deductions from income influencing child support vary from state to state. If there are factors that allow deviations from the guidelines, they will be listed in the guidelines. Typical deviations may include: a child’s extraordinary medical or educational expenses, extraordinary access expenses (like plane tickets to visit an out-of-state parent), and a child’s own income or assets which may be used for his or her support. Deviations are not permitted because of a parent’s extraordinary “credit card payments” or a “car loan payment”, or other expenses incurred by the parents. The law recognizes that your first responsibility is to your child, not to MasterCard or your landlord.

Most states consider any money which comes to you on a periodic basis to be income. This means that wages, commissions, bonuses, interest, dividends, worker’s compensation, unemployment compensation, and even social security are considered “income” in most states. Income is income, even if you haven’t received it yet. For example, suppose you typically receive a bonus each year based on your sales performance. The cutoff date for your performance record is June 30 of each year. You receive your bonus in December of that same year. If it’s September, your bonus will be considered part of your income even though it hasn’t been received by you yet.

Another example is stock dividends. The dividends are often automatically reinvested, so you don’t actually have the cash to spend. Because stock dividends are earned, and you could choose to liquidate rather than reinvest them, they are deemed to be income.

Social security comes with some complications, since it has special benefits for recipients with minor children. In most cases, the benefits that children receive directly from social security will be considered when child support is calculated. Typically, however, the government-provided benefit is only part of what the parent will be required to pay on the child’s behalf. How social security is treated varies across states, and will be clarified in your state’s child support guidelines. Click here for more information.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Does Your Child Need a Change in the Visitation Schedule?

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

Other indications that children may need adjustments to the visitation schedule–or to something that’s happening in your home–include:

sudden behavioral changes that are aberrant from your child’s normal personality (e.g., very quiet in an outgoing child, sadness from a generally happy child)
bursts of temper and moodiness
aggression or violence toward others, pets, or themselves
a sudden drop in grades at school

Find out why your child is behaving differently. If you cannot ascertain what is going on because your child is uncommunicative, or because you and your spouse view it so differently, consider having your child meet with a school counselor or a therapist. Choose someone who will not exacerbate problems, but will normalize what the child is experiencing and will help him deal with it. Someone who is experienced in treating people of your child’s age, and familiar with divorce and family systems work, is optimal. When possible, include the other parent in your child’s therapy. It is working together as parents that will be the most assistance to your child. For an article on changing a visitation schedule, click here.

Parents often report anger at how their spouse deals with their child, in ways that are not harmful but which undermine your parenting values. Common examples include letting him watch movies you don’t think he is ready for, exposing him to rude humor or vocabulary, allowing him to be in the presence of people you think are unsavory characters, and so forth. As annoying as these matters are, they are generally not matters with which the court will interfere. You should try and work things out with a mediator or therapist adult-to-adult, appealing to reason and your child’s future. Some of these differences you will have to learn to live with, and in your own parenting time.

If you’re not able to address these issues as co-parents, then you will have to do it on your own. Once you’ve determined the reasons why the problems are happening, and have thought through possible solutions, pose them to your ex-spouse. See if together you can work with your children to modify the parenting plan to support them. If you reach an impasse, then it’s time to approach a mental health professional, and then the court about changing the visitation or custody orders. Click here for another article on changing visitation.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changing Visitation, Modifying Custody, Observing Changes in Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

What if My Child is in Danger?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

If you believe that your child is in imminent danger from the visits, you need to report this to the proper authorities immediately. Take your child to his or her pediatrician for a full checkup, and let the doctor know what you suspect. You also need to request that the court issue a restraining order for your children to protect them from the abuser. Stop allowing your child to visit under these circumstances, even though you may be facing court sanctions for doing so. Your primary goal is to protect your children, and if you are certain that the visitation is physically harming them, you need to stop the visits. For information on restraining orders, click here.

Once the court is aware of the situation (which it will be, because of the restraining order) the judge can set the matter for a hearing so that you can present all of your evidence against visitation, and the court can modify the existing orders so that your children will be safe.

In other less exigent circumstances, your choices and plan of action are less clear. Sometimes problems happen during visitation, but it’s impossible for you to tell if the situation warrants filing a Motion for Modification of Visitation in court. You can file such a motion at any time; the problem is deciding when it would be appropriate to do so. Don’t file a motion which you cannot back up with proof. If you want visitation changed and can’t work it out between yourselves, you need to have solid reasons and evidence for asking for the change. Lots of children have a tough time adjusting to transitions, especially early in their parents’ divorce and separation. But how will you know when it’s appropriate to file for a modification of the court’s orders? For an article on modification of visitation, click here.

If you think, but you don’t know, that the visits are harming the children, then you need the assistance of a third party in order to determine how best to proceed. Have your children speak with a therapist or a school counselor if you think that something inappropriate may be going on, but are not in a position to prove it. Once they’ve spoken to a therapist or counselor, that person can let you know whether or not you need to intervene to change the way that the place, without violating your child’s confidentiality. If the reasons are less serious, and the harm to your child is questionable or less serious, use a third party to determine what is a phase, what can be corrected with minimal adjustments to schedule or types of visits, and what needs to be borne out over time. Examine your own behavior and make sure you are not giving your child messages that you need him or her to stay with you, for company, support, or to punish the other parent. This is an unfair burden to place on your child.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children in Danger, Domestic Violence Toward Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Acrimony, Conflict Management, Self Care, children of divorce | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for Pre-schoolers

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Children at this age learn to control their aggression and impulses, achieve a healthy sex role identification, and develop peer relationships. Clear roles and boundaries between parents are important, as children at this age are very rule bound and make the world more understandable by imposing rules they can count on. Notice this age’s emphasis on games that have rules, winners and losers. It is all part of becoming competent and learning how to play new games, concretely and metaphorically. This age child also feels very powerful, and is learning to wield his masculine or her feminine wiles. Male and female children benefit from having relationships with fathers and mothers, as they discover how men and women are different, and what it means to belong to the gender into which they have been born. Click here for more in parenting plans.

For the preschooler, spending time in the non-primary parent’s home up to three nights per week is acceptable. Even 2-3 consecutive days are manageable for many youngsters. The every other weekend schedule may work well by this age, with additional time during 1-2 afternoons or evenings, and more frequent phone contact. No more than a full week should be spent away from either parent, if at all possible. For more on parenting plans, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Parenting Plans, Protecting Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Custody, children of divorce | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for Toddlers

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

The second year of a baby’s life is dedicated to exploring and gaining confidence and familiarity with the world. To do this, the baby must feel secure enough in his or her environment that energies are available to commit to the tasks of seeking out a larger world. Care must be responsive and consistent, so that the baby begins to feel some sense of control over separations and reunions. Click here for more information.

Children at this age can spend daytime contacts away from the primary parent. Overnights are debatable. The team of experts brought together to study this issue for the state of Washington advised no overnights. Judith Solomon’s research indicated that for some toddlers, overnights were associated with signals of distress and less secure attachment to both figures in their life. In a follow-up report, she found that overnight visitation can disorganize a child’s attachment strategies, but such disorganization does not necessarily pervade the overall mother-child relationship. That is, the children may be more sensitive around separations, but this does not carry over to a longer term prognosis. Moreover, parents who have divorced early in their children’s life report that their child can spend overnights once or twice a week without exhibiting signs of distress. Since we do not know whether children will show stress symptoms later as a result of early separations, it is best to use caution in designing arrangements.

Two to three full days, non-consecutively placed, should work for many toddlers just starting visits. However, many children respond well to regular, full-time day care when such care is of high quality. Thus, children spending that time with another parent should theoretically be able to adapt as well.

Older Toddlers – The Third Year of Life

At this age, children are expressing their autonomy in more ways, actively initiating separations from parents to find out what else the world has to offer. They are discovering what is unique about them, how they are different and similar to other children around them. Children in this age group want to learn as much as they can about everything, and the world is their playground. In order to explore safely, they need consistent rules and limit setting, gentle but firm guidance, and assistance in managing their disappointments and frustrations when they hear the inevitable “No!”. Verbal explanations of parental behavior is important, as the children are using language increasingly to manage their own behavior and to understand how to respond to new situations and feelings.

Older toddlers can spend as much as 3 days with the non-primary parent. If the parent is familiar and an ongoing part of the child’s care, overnights are more likely to be successful. Consecutive nights are still not recommended, and more than 2 nights per week may be too taxing psychologically. A conservative route indicates that when the child is in the latter half of the third year, you introduce an overnight and see how the child manages. If this works, the you could try a second overnight later in the week, but be ready to back off if the child begins to send you distress signs. For a terrific article by Dr. Phil, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Pareting Plans, Protecting Children, Toddlers
Posted in Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Life After Divorce, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

Recent Posts

Categories

Recent Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Protecting Children’

Attorneys and Guardians for Children

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

Voluntary Reduction of Wages

What are Child Support Guidelines?

Does Your Child Need a Change in the Visitation Schedule?

What if My Child is in Danger?

Parenting Plans for Pre-schoolers

Parenting Plans for Toddlers