Mediation Blog » Personal Assessment

Personal Assessment: Child Custody

admin — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 12:00:49 +0000

Have I tried every avenue in my power to avoid a custody dispute, and am I so sure my child is in danger that it is worth the heavy toll it will take on all of us? If my convictions are sure and clear minded, then I can proceed with authority rather than self-righteousness. For several articles on custody issues, click here.

Have I gone about the process in the best manner available to me? Have I hired competent professionals (attorney and mental health) who will represent my interests vigorously without fighting for its own sake? Do I have confidence in the evaluator we are using? I will need someone the court and I trust, and I have selected with care.

Have I prepared every step of the way? If I can answer “yes”, then I have done my leg work, I have documented my concerns, enlisted support for my case, and followed the guideposts provided for my demeanor and behavior in and out of court. These guideposts will lead me to the highest ground. Click here for another terrific article.

Have I observed my children throughout the process to gauge their reactions, and to detect when they need help coping with the legal dispute and its accompanying stresses? I am on the right trail if I have not lost sight of the reason I am doing this, and my children are still in the forefront of my thinking, feeling, and actions.

Have I made my problems my children’s? Have I done anything to undermine their relationship with the other parent; alternatively, have I given them reason not to trust or respect me? Am I willing to be party to such pain in their life, when I may be able to help ameliorate it with them? If I cut out the other parent from their life, I do get more of their time, but there is less of them because a part of them has been cut away too.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

admin — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 12:00:27 +0000

Am I doing everything I can to create a positive co-parenting environment that allows our children to have maximum access to and support from each parent? Creating a viable shared parenting arrangement requires a lot of patience and turning the other cheek. My children will benefit, and over the long run, it will help keep our divorce a productive experience.

Do the living arrangements, decision making plan, and actual schedule fit with who my children are at the present time? Gearing the schedule to the age and developmental needs of each child helps ensure its effectiveness.

Is the parenting plan specific enough to cover most likely situations at present and in the near future? Do we have a back up plan for resolving differences that will inevitably arise? Specificity helps maintain predictability and keep boundaries straight. Our plan supports our separateness without seeming burdensome. It leaves space to offer and ask for flexibility as needs arise. Click here for more resources.

Am I doing my part to maintain the plan and ensure its effectiveness for my children and all involved? Am I letting negative emotional responses leftover from the marriage interfere with implementation? If we each do our best to make this work, it will work out well.

Are our child support payments determined accurately and with fairness? Child support can be financially burdensome, but it benefits my children. I still wish to provide for them in the best way I can. That is one way I can protect them from negative impacts of divorce. Click here for a host of information about children and divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Personal Assessment: Your Children’s Needs

admin — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 12:00:09 +0000

Have I provided my children with timely, age appropriate information about the impending separation and divorce? In particular, do the children now know what is going to happen, when, how, and what the living and access arrangements will be? Although informing the children in this manner is harder for me, it will help ease their fears of the unknown. Being as specific as possible about the parenting plans, as soon as possible, adds to their ongoing sense of security. For an article on children of divorce and adjustment, click here.

Has my spouse and I provided a unified front in our information? Have we either informed the children together or ascertained that we offered similar information, without inserting blame in the explanation? Who is at fault is and adult issue, the children do not need to know what we each think about it. They will feel safer if we show them that we will still act together as parents on their behalf. Click here for an article on presenting a unified front.

Have I taken careful notice of their responses to out announcement, and to the separation? Can I describe each child’s reaction, and do I understand what their response means to them? Have I noticed any reactions that are severe enough to invoke a higher level of concern? I have watched, listened, asked questions, answered questions, and feel confident that my children are working with me on their response to the separation.

Have I done what I can to ease the children’s way in the aftermath? Have I been predictable, dependable, and as civil to their other parent as possible? Have I been thoughtful in my dealings with, and introductions of, a new partner in the presence of my children? During this time, I want to be vigilant about making this easier on all of us. I am continuing to be a loving and caring parent in ways my children have always known. I need to be cautious with any new relationship, not letting my own joy and excitement cloud my judgment concerning my children’s need for me to move steady and slow into anything new. They are hurting and I must honor their perspective and time table as different from my own.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Personal Assessment: Are You Ready to Negotiate?

admin — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 12:00:18 +0000

As you move into your divorce negotiations, consider the following personal assessment.

Have I set realistic, sensible goals? Have I accounted for our income, assets and debts and thought about which division best suits my needs? Have I ranked each asset in terms of its importance to me? If I keep my own priorities in mind, it will be easier avoid becoming trapped in arguments and self-pity when negotiations become difficult.
Have I tried to consider what is a fair resolution of this divorce from my spouse’s perspective? If what I expect from the divorce and what I’m prepared to offer to my spouse are out of balance, then I cannot expect my spouse to work with me to achieve a peaceful settlement. If I can understand my spouse’s motivations as well as my own, we can work together for resolution?
Have I considered the emotional and financial costs to me if we cannot settle our case? If I cannot have everything that I want from the settlement, is what is being offered sufficient for my needs? If I am able to weigh all of the costs and benefits of accepting or rejecting a settlement which represents a compromise of my goals, I will make the best decision under the circumstances.
Have I learned to negotiate fairly? Am I prepared to give up things which mean more to my spouse than to me without expecting anything in return? If I am committed to negotiating in good faith and am willing to compromise on less important points, I will foster an atmosphere in which we have the best chance of reaching an agreement.
Have I conducted my new life with decorum and sensitivity? Have I let my anxiety propel me into behaving thoughtlessly or impetuously? I have much to think about during this time, and much planning to do. I must not be derailed by my emotional needs, not just yet.

If you need more information, be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php. For general divorce information, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Am I Ready to Start the Legal Divorce Process?

admin — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Before you get started with your divorce, make sure you have considered the following legal checklist to make sure you are prepared:

I have started collecting my financial records, closing my joint credit and bank accounts, and establishing credit in my own name.
I have established a confidential way to communicate with the people who advise me during this process.
I have thought about how I will support myself after the divorce, and made plans to insure that I am ready to do so.
I have decided what type of case to pursue: Divorce, Legal Separation, or Annulment and whether or not I will need a lawyer to represent me.
I have considered mediation as an alternative way to help settle our case.

If you have not taken all of the above into consideration, take a moment and go back through the list and make sure you do. This will help alleviate a lot of the anxiety which can be associated with divorce. For more divorce articles, plans and checklists, see http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php. For a list of good books on divorce, see http://www.peace-talks.com/books.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Am I Ready to Start the Emotional Divorce Process?

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:00:36 +0000

Before you get started with your divorce proceedings, make sure you have your emotions in check. Being sure you are emotionally prepared will make a huge positive difference in how you experience your divorce itself, and also your life after the proceedings are finished. Check in with yourself and remind yourself of the following:

I know that my feelings will be complicated during this process, and I may be tempted to change my mind many times about decisions made.
I am ready to examine my feelings and to resolve them, not to let them negatively influence my decisions in my legal divorce.
I know that even in an amicable divorce, some conflict is inevitable, and I am committed to learning new ways to communicate with my spouse so that we are able to resolve the end of our marriage as peacefully as possible.
I am committed to cooperating with my spouse in resolving issues which affect both of us, and I need to be forthright about informing my spouse of my decisions and the rationales behind them.
I am emotionally ready to follow through on the legal requirements to obtain my divorce. If the divorce is not my choice, I am committed to accepting my spouse=s decision, and doing what is best for myself and my children legally and emotionally.

Come back to this checklist often throughout your divorce to help preserve your peace of mind.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com