Mediation Blog » Moving On

Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

admin — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 12:00:48 +0000

Other adults can be resources for both you and your children. As soon as the separation occurs, it is important that you inform your children’s teachers so that they may be prepared for any change in behavior that may occur. Have the teachers keep an eye on your children. Inform your children’s friends’ parents, as well, so they can keep in mind that your children will be undergoing many changes and stressors. They can be an extra pair of ears, eyes, and a sympathetic presence. You may also want to inquire about possible support groups at your children’s school for children with divorcing parents. These groups tend not to carry a social stigma anymore, and are helpful in creating a place for children to share their experiences with other children who have recently undergone a similar change. Sharing stories, thoughts, and feelings can be invaluable to the process that you and your children will undergo. Self-help groups for children and parents are proven effective for creating a sense of community during a lonely and stressful time for people who desire support, but don’t need or want therapy. Click here for an article on creating joy in kids.

Will My Children Be Okay in a Divorced Family?

Parents often ask the question “will my children be disadvantaged being raised in a divorced family?” One of the benefits of a divorced family is that your children are no longer exposed to the tension and conflict that marked their experience of living with both parents. Children’s responses to their new status is often dependent upon how the parents view their new status. If you as parent have a positive view of the future, this will significantly help your children adjust to and accept the new situation. Your children will have an early introduction to the emotional effects of loss and separation. This can cause long lasting pain and insecurity. However, it also can be a valuable learning experience that will help them build resilience to life transitions and hardships. Children in divorced families have the opportunity to learn that relationships change, that their parents also change over time. Your experience may also show your children that they need not accept a circumstance in which they are unhappy, abused, or feel empty, that they can effect change in their lives for the better. Click here for more tips on helping children with divorce.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Be Positive About Your New Family Identity

admin — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 12:00:06 +0000

Today some adults are discovering that the single parent role is one of choice, and not of a transitional phase between partners or marriages. Single parent families are different than nuclear two-parent families in that there is only one care-taking parent in each home, who operates with fewer resources and often less income. The demands and challenges placed on single parents and their children can make this family unit more supportive of each other and close knit. If you as leader of a single parent family maintain a positive attitude toward the future, viewing it as an unknown but welcome surprise, your children will find life exciting and full of promise. On the other hand, if you feel that separation and divorce confer a sense of shame and embarrassment, it is likely that the children will see themselves as less well-off than two parent families. Click here for an article on staying positive as you rebuild after divorce

During the process of exploring your own identity, your children can learn not only to support you, but also to share in your new experiences with you. You may find that your children are proud to have a parent who is capable of maintaining a single household, who is also interesting and adventurous to be with as a person. Of course there will be times when the burdens and responsibilities get you down, and when you resent the demands that your children place upon you. If this happens, take some time out. Get emotional support from your friends and your family. Do something fun that does not involve the children. Click here for a video with some great tips for how to stay positive after divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

New York Times Explores No-Fault Divorce

admin — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 13:37:11 +0000

Today, marriage and family therapist Ruth Bettelheim wrote a terrific Op-Ed piece for the New York Times exploring the effects of 40 years of no-fault divorce in our country.

She explains: “In an adversarial custody battle, no one wins, but children are the biggest losers of all. Intelligent legislation could promote the one thing that children of divorce need most: peace between their parents.”

Peace between divorcing parents is the goal of Peace Talks Mediation Services and the theme of our second book, “Making Divorce Work.” Click here to read this excellent article.

Examples of Rebound Invovlement

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:00:46 +0000

Below is an example of Ralph and Linda in rebound relationships. Take their story into consideration. The fact scenarios may be different from yours and still may give you something to consider.

Ralph and his wife had been married for eighteen years. Linda had kept a superbly clean house, had helped Ralph with the bookkeeping of his building business, and had kept both of them on the straight and narrow. Ralph had become disenchanted with Linda and had filed for divorce. Upon meeting a woman who was to him exiting, fun, more relaxed and flexible than his wife had ever been, Ralph began to date this woman during the time of the separation. Initially elated with this new relationship, he very quickly found that his new love had very little regard for money matters, seemed to be more interested in going out for dinner than having a meal at home, and housekeeping was the last thing on her mind. When it came time for the final divorce, Ralph began to withdraw from this relationship. He began to think more clearly about the qualities that he would like in a partner at this stage of his life. Shortly after the divorce he met another woman with whom he was more compatible, who seemed to have a better balance in her view of the necessities of keeping a home and business and a relationship working well. Taking this new relationship slower than his first post-divorce relationship, Ralph remarried twenty-two months after divorce.

Carol entered into a brief series of relationships during the course of the mandatory waiting period. In these relationships, she found herself reacting to the partner in ways that evoked dislike for herself. She complained that she would react to these new men in the way that she had reacted to her husband during the course of her marriage. Carol, so fearful of losing these relationships, would complain endlessly about how difficult her life was at this time: looking after the kids alone, having to be solely responsible for the household, and the lack of being understood. When not complaining, Carol would endlessly try to please each of her new dates. She didn’t know how to ask directly for her needs to be met in these relationships. She tried to take on the interests and the hobbies of each boyfriend, regardless of whether or not she enjoyed these pursuits. The seesaw of complaining and compliance gave off the effect of Carol being an emotional child, causing Carol to doubt herself as to whether or not she would ever be able to have a relationship that was fulfilling and meaningful.

The bottom line: postpone serious involvement with someone new until you are certain that you are past both the legal and emotional divorce recovery time!

For a good video on rebound relationships, see http://www.expertvillage.com/video/151790_can-rebound-relationship-feel-like.htm. A good article is listed at http://www.forbeginners.info/dating/rebound-relationships.htm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Beware the Rebound Relationship

admin — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 12:00:38 +0000

This is a time when you should be preparing for the successful end of your divorce and adjustment to your life afterwards. Your focus at this time should be on adjusting to this new status, and helping your children with the multiple transitions inherent in divorce. This is your time to recover from emotional hurt and pain that you have sustained to this point. It may be a time when you need to experience some depression, and to grieve. It is a time when you need to focus on your future, to begin to think about how you are going to be financially responsible. These adaptations take energy. It is energy best put into concluding your divorce rather than establishing your new life, which will be waiting for you when you are finished.

After years of lacking love and consideration from your partner, the experience of rejection, neglect and abandonment that you may have felt in your relationship can lead you into a “rebound” relationship. You are at highest risk of choosing someone like your spouse in ways that have not been good for you. Often people who date at this period of time enter into a dating relationship with the emotional mind set of the time when they were first dating and courting their spouse. People report feeling giddy and excited as they had been prior to the marriage. Remember that you are years older now, and your requirements in a relationship are very different.

Give yourself time to know who is emerging from the ended marriage. You have a better chance then of entering into a happy and healthy relationship that can develop into a deeper and more mature one over time. Transitional relationships have very shaky foundations, yet you are probably thrilled with the attention and interest that your new love will show to you. Enjoy a relationship that begins in friendship and shows care for what you need at this time. Then you wont let yourself get caught up in the excitement of the moment at the expense of your emotional well-being later on. Be patient; there will be plenty of time to start new relationships after your divorce is final. For a good article about rebound relationships after divorce, see http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/romanceafterdivorce/p/reboundrelation.htm. More on rebound relationships is discussed at http://www.2knowmyself.com/What_is_a_rebound_relationship/rebound_relationships_advice_feelings

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

New Relationships During Divorce

admin — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:00:35 +0000

Socializing with persons of the opposite sex can do wonders to improve your self-image. Do not stay out overnight, especially if you have children. If you have children, make sure that they have a proper baby-sitter, and that you do not go out too often. If you have someone stay over, do so when the children are out of the house. Regardless of your values, it is best to refrain from sexual relations until the divorce is completed. Remember that you are under your spouse’s and the court’s microscope regarding parenting arrangements, and your spouse could at any time initiate a custody proceeding if he or she perceives that you are enjoying yourself too much, and spending too little time with the children.

As rules of thumb, if you are considering entering a new relationship while in the midst of a divorce, here are some factors that will influence the importance that relationship may play in the divorce:

How long have you been separated? How long have you known the person you are now dating? Is your spouse involved with someone too; is he or she likely to give you a harder time as a result of the new relationship? Do you have children and what ages are they? Children who are about five or six years of age and those entering adolescence are particularly vulnerable to feeling competitive with the new partner. In all instances, proceed cautiously and with discretion.

From an emotional perspective, dating seriously while you are in the throes of a legal divorce is a complex business. There are several reasons why you must be vigilant about your new relationships during this time. First, this is a time of high tension and emotional vulnerability. You and your spouse are undergoing a time of stress and anxiety wherein emotions are irrational, and sometimes simply crazy. Partners are given to jealousy that sometimes blows into full rages. Even if your partner is dating, he or she is still likely to be emotionally connected to you. Your partner can begin to make the legal process lengthy, difficult, or may wish to try to control you in some other form via the interim financial arrangements. For some additional considerations, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Dating-After-Divorce:-Things-To-Think-About-Regarding-Dating-After-Divorce&id=32847. Other good tips are included at http://www.breakupadviceonline.com/dating_divorce.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Dating Someone New

admin — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:00:26 +0000

In this era of no-fault divorce, judges rarely focus on transgressions such as dating. Unfortunately, sexism still reigns supreme in some courtrooms, and standards are tougher in this regard for women. Mothers are expected to put their children’s needs above their own. Dating someone else seriously, especially when a sexual relationship is involved, is still viewed as a distraction from mothers’ primary responsibility to their children. Fathers may not be viewed as negatively for dating someone else, but if you are a father who is in arrears for child support and seeing someone else, beware of the message you are sending to the judge. The new relationship may not be viewed as a distinct issue from the divorce.

Having sex with other people during divorce is often raised by spouses as an example of why the other parent is not fit to be a sole custodian, have liberal access, or spend overnights with the children. Unmarried sex is still viewed as controversial in many relationships and is reflected so in the legal system. The amount of emphasis placed on sexual relations differs across the country based on the values and mores of the area, the court, and the particular judge. Having sex when minor children are present in the home is still viewed in many districts as constituting an unwholesome living environment.

But it is not the judge who is going to give you the hardest time about dating in most cases. It is your spouse. No matter how your spouse has behaved previously, dating during the divorce process can be a hazardous venture. Many spouses are amazed at the jealousy their partner exhibits as soon as he or she finds out they are dating. This is a common phenomenon even among partners who initiated the divorce and are involved with a new person themselves. A double standard emerges in which your spouse explains her behavior based on what’s her due because of past hurts. You, on the other hand, should stay home, and lament her new relationship. Once you begin to enjoy a new relationship, your spouse may resent it, and begin to give you a very difficult time in the divorce. For two great articles on dating during divorce, see http://www.gagelaw.com/DatingDuringDivorce.shtml and also http://www.divorcepeers.com/dating-during-divorce.htm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com