Mediation Blog » Mediated Divorce

New York Times Explores No-Fault Divorce

admin — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 13:37:11 +0000

Today, marriage and family therapist Ruth Bettelheim wrote a terrific Op-Ed piece for the New York Times exploring the effects of 40 years of no-fault divorce in our country.

She explains: “In an adversarial custody battle, no one wins, but children are the biggest losers of all. Intelligent legislation could promote the one thing that children of divorce need most: peace between their parents.”

Peace between divorcing parents is the goal of Peace Talks Mediation Services and the theme of our second book, “Making Divorce Work.” Click here to read this excellent article.

Handling Money at the End of Your Marriage

admin — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 23:18:47 +0000

There are five financial issues that can take down a marriage – reduced circumstances, financial mistakes, caring for parents, caring for kids, and uncertainty – according to Ron Leiber, “Your Money” columnist of the New York Times. These are truly issues that affect every marriage at some point, and I thought that they warranted a little more coverage.

Reduced Circumstances: Although some people may be disappointed over the reduction in lifestyle thanks to a layoff or change of interest rate, consider how dividing up a household doesn’t reduce costs. Getting divorced will now mean that, however you and your spouse are dividing assets and responsibilities, you’re supporting two households on the same income that used to support one. Even if you have a peaceful and inexpensive divorce, it definitely does not improve reduced resources.

It might be that problem is that you were unhappy and unfulfilled in the marriage, but you stayed because of the money. Sometimes it’s easier to Spackle over problems with money than to address them. You might be thinking “I want to leave this marriage” and then balked at the tumult of taking the kids out of private school, foregoing that trip to Hawaii each year, and downsizing your car. If reduced circumstances have already stripped those things away, maybe you’ve just cleared the path to divorce.

In that case, more financial security created the problem by being a motivator for staying in an unhappy marriage, and losing those ties helped reveal the real issues.

Your Mistakes: The mistake is really that you didn’t have the difficult conversations early. I can’t tell you the number of people who come in who have railed through their home equity line of credit because they didn’t have the heart to tell their spouse to stop shopping at Fred Segal. But the discussion doesn’t revolve around the details. It needs to be a dialogue that you are both engaged in. “I want to share with you the home equity line of credit statement (or charge cards, etc). I am concerned that we are over spending. What do you think we should do?” Have the conversation as a series of “I” statements (as opposed to “you should”) and a question to open up the discussion.

The other big fight we see is “We agreed you would go back to work after the kids went to school and then you never did.”

To turn the conversation around, the approach is similar to the discussion above: “I am concerned that you’re not looking for a job when we agreed you’d go back to work when the kids were in school full time. What’s holding you back?” If it’s that the spouse has changed his/her mind, then involve him or her in the budgeting process. The loss of a second income will have an impact on the family. How can each partner take responsibility for that?

Too many people just let it ride, and four years later end up in our office feeling like they’ve been let down by the spouse who didn’t go back to work or curb spending. They realized too late that the real problem was that both people weren’t involved in making an active decision.

Your Children: While they may have started out as a surprise, their turning 18 and applying to college is not. Have the conversations about college early and often. And not just with your spouse, with the semi-adult children, too. A drastic change in circumstances is something an 18 year old is able to understand. But “we blew our wad on your siblings and didn’t plan for you” is sure to land him on a therapist’s couch.

Read more tips on dealing with finances in your relationship here: http://estestherapy.com/relationshiptips/2008/04/30/financial-stressors-keeping-your-relationship-strong-in-a-recession/, and to find out more about sharing college costs with your ex, go here: http://www.kiplinger.com/columns/drt/archive/2004/dt040826.html.

How Do I Manage My Anxiety at this Time?

admin — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:00:44 +0000

As discussed earlier in this chapter, most states have a mandatory waiting period before people can be divorced, even if both parties have completely resolved all of their issues. This period is sometimes referred to as a “cooling off” period, ostensibly designed so that people do not make hasty decisions to divorce. While you are waiting, a pervasive anxiety is natural. Anxiety is a nonspecific, persistent feeling of uneasiness in its milder form; a more intense version is filled with dread and fears. This period of the unknown is when most people turn off the trail of a rational divorce and begin bushwhacking through unmarked territory. Such stumbling about can lead you to spend many wasted hours feeling lost, frightened, and looking for a way back to the familiar.

Use this period to plan rather than to plot. Fill it with the productive work that leads to negotiation. Make your lists of assets, property, debts, and future desires. Get your priorities straight, knowing what you can and cannot live without in terms of living arrangements, money and property issues.

Set up and try interim agreements with your spouse, so that you learn what really matters to you. However, do not try various arrangements too flippantly. In many cases, post-divorce financial and child-related arrangements, yet to be discussed, are remarkably similar to the interim agreements couples set. Such agreements often lead to decisions by parents, and by the courts, that favor consistency and maintenance of current conditions, rendering it difficult to effect a major change. If you have agreed to pay $500 per month for alimony in the interim period, your claim that you cannot afford that amount will be difficult to prove subsequently.

One characteristic of the legal system that riddles this period with anxiety is that the legal process is slow, especially compared to individual desires to “get this over with as soon as possible.” You will feel on some weeks that nothing is happening in your case. Check in with your spouse and attorney. Perhaps there is some way you could help speed up the process, maybe documents are needed that you could amass more quickly, or perhaps there is nothing that can be done at this time and your spouse is working on his or her part. Knowing the status of your case and what to expect in terms of timing should help. For some common sense care for anxiety, see http://www.holisticonline.com/Remedies/Anxiety/anx_common_sense.htm. For 9 tips for managing anxiety without drugs, see http://www.johnshopkinshealthalerts.com/reports/depression_anxiety/1156-1.html.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

When Negotiations Break Down

admin — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:00:59 +0000

When negotiating, avoid handing down ultimatums. They rarely have the intended effect, and usually create deeper resentments. Contrary to popular opinion, do not pad your requests so that you wind up with what you really wanted from the beginning. This creates a sense of dishonesty that makes it hard to concede on other issues, since guessing what is really important to each party becomes a central focus. Then assumptions and worst fears creep in. Be clear about what you want, and then know what you can give in on and what you can’t.

If negotiations are breaking down, there are several remedies that are effective. If you both want the same outcomes, such as having the kids with you on Christmas day, try adding some additional ideas to the negotiation rather than convincing the other you have the best reasons. One idea would be to arrange two events for Christmas day, such as an early morning with one parent and a later dinner with the other, with each having its special charms. When you really want something your spouse is not giving in on, try sweetening the pie. If you already offered her silver for the antique mirror you want, try offering the silver and the china for the mirror.

Other techniques include changing perspectives, so that you each argue for the other person’s point. If both sides don’t seem equally valuable to you, then they may not be equitable.

Agree in theory about a decision, but do not make procedures at the same negotiation. Agree that you will divide your non-liquid assets between you, but do not decide which accounts or parts of the pension will go to each of you. Agree on a next step rather than outcome, i.e., you will each talk to your employer about a change in work schedule, without deciding who will change their schedules and when. Pose two or three options, and try each for a specified amount of time. Often a trial run will help you decide an issue based on situations you did not anticipate. Some agreements are built with contingency plans: if you get your raise at work, then you will increase your child support by $50. These plans depend on events that are likely but not assured. Negotiating one step at a time, with built in contingencies, may seem slower but it reduces the likelihood of false starts and retracing steps later. Having actual experience with options when a decision is made builds confidence in decisions. They lose their aura of the unknown, with fears that accompany unfamiliarity. For some conflict resolution tips for divorcing couples, see http://www.divorcenet.com/states/massachusetts/conflict_resolution_tips_for_divorcing_couples. Another good article on negotiating your settlement appears at http://www.insidedivorce.com/divorce-help/How-to-negotiate-your-divorce-settlement/?stage=A5D0E3C493500B427E453CDBDD04B1F2&subject=B0875360A0906896DA25C58745F8D4D1.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Negotiating with Your Spouse: Skills and Tips

admin — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:00:12 +0000

One antidote for creating static, negative images of your spouse is to practice negotiating for what you want and need. If you are ready to look beyond your anger, then you can seek equitable solutions to your conflicts. To accomplish this, you must be ready to change the desired outcomes of your conflict. Roger Fisher and William Ury’s book, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0140157352) teaches ways to negotiate win-win solutions to conflicts. They suggest that in order to create a mutual win-win position, “The first thing you are trying to win is a better way to negotiate.”

Negotiating rather than fighting becomes a winning proposition on several levels:

you develop skills that will serve you in this relationship and others after the legal process is over

you get what you want in a positive atmosphere with less likelihood of later retaliation

you want your spouse to feel he can get what he wants so that you do not push him towards an attorney interested in strong arm tactics.

The basic methods for are designed to create win-win outcomes based on mutual interests. The main tenets described include focusing on needs rather than positions. “I want to be an involved father with time spent each week with my children” is a need. “I want joint custody with equal time” is a position. You must be ready to look at both sides, using the art of paraphrasing and repeating what you have heard until both persons feel their “story” is understood. Problems must be described in neutral terms rather than in blaming language. “You are never on time to pick up the children on your day” is a blaming way of presenting the problem. An alternative way is: “On Tuesdays, I am supposed to leave for work just when you are due to pick up the children. When you are not on time, I am late for work and I get into trouble.” This definition of a problem has a greater chance of being solved because it engenders less defensiveness. For a terrific article on how to stop being defensive, see http://www.nonstopenglish.com/reading/articles/Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Stop-Being-Defensive.asp.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Friend or Foe?

admin — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:00:04 +0000

The waiting period between serving your spouse with divorce papers (or being served) and the time you reach settlement or decide to go to trial, often feels like the longest leg of your journey. The newness of the divorce has worn off, and consequently the shock and denial have worn thin. The reality of a divorce seeps in like cold rain, oozing through the edges of your coat, until your whole body feels cold and achy.

Most people find this period to be the fundamental juncture, as the legal directions of your divorce are set, and with them, the emotional state of your ending marriage is tested to the hilt.

You may not be ready or interested in being friends with your spouse, but you also want to prevent him or her from becoming an opponent in the divorce, if at all possible.

Some of the emotional issues that lead people down the path toward conflict stem from how each person feels about how the divorce was set in motion. If you have moved toward ending your marriage with grace thus far, it will be easier to resolve legal issues than if you have not taken your partner’s feelings and needs into account. But even if you have, the confluence of angry and hurt feelings that are part and parcel of ending a long term relationship provide a huge stumbling block to achieving a supportive divorce.

For all these reasons, it is understandable to feel yourself pulled toward being exclusively negative in your opinion about your spouse. But there are ways to stop yourself from going down this slippery slope. List all your spouse’s best qualities, then list those you like least. Try to find at least one positive for every few negatives. If your partner is stubborn and self-righteous, she might also be tenacious in her ideas. This tenacity might benefit your children, in the form of unwavering loyalty.

Remember the reasons you married your spouse to begin with. Perhaps try some of the gratitude exercises listed at http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/maheu/?p=50. Make a gratitude adjustment as described at http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20060227-000004.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Solving Problems 101

admin — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:00:43 +0000

Once you have identified the source of conflict between you and your spouse, you can come up with possible solutions. Here are some steps to follow to help you reach a satisfying outcome.

Both people suggest possible solutions. Consider the pluses and minuses of each of the solutions that you would seriously consider together.“Perhaps we can decide the best solution depending on what the illness is…so that when he has a stomach virus, moving him doesn’t make sense. But when he has a headache, he can try going to your house.” This plan makes sense because it takes the child’s needs into account, but it leaves open the need for negotiating each time the problem arises.
Both agree to try one of the proposed solutions, and to discuss it again in a few days or weeks, to see if progress has been made.
Keep any agreements you made, and if it is not working for you, make changes through negotiation. Try to resist taking unilateral actions.

In addition, try these measures to change the dynamics of your arguments. Whenever a disagreement can be bypassed, let it go. If you are in the midst of a heated issue, such as how often one of you will spend evening time with the children, agree to explain what you want rather than what you have to get. Agree to take time apart and re-think your position when you hit a roadblock. Get second opinions from people you trust; perhaps you can even agree to talk to the same people so that you are less polarized by competing opinions. Most of all, focus your energy on the positives of your future: rebuilding your life: your new home, assets, career, and friendships rather than the arguments and failures of your past relationship.

For more good information on problem solving in families, see http://family.jrank.org/pages/1337/Problem-Solving-Problem-Solving-Process-in-Couples-Families.html. For an interesting article on power in marital struggles, see http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070705120756.htm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Conflict Resolution 101

admin — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 12:00:37 +0000

Even when your spouse and you are communicating directly and calmly, sometimes you cannot agree on a solution to a problem. Perhaps you have listened carefully to how he feels about your keeping your son home when he is sick, but your spouse still wants you to send the child to his house during his regularly scheduled time. When the two of you disagree about a situation, here are some basic steps towards conflict resolution:

Both people agree on ground rules of the discussion (no interrupting, no put downs, no bringing up the past).
Agree on what the problem is, the source of the conflict. Identify what you agree and what you disagree about in your views of the problem. “You want to keep him home, and I think I should be the one to take care of him if he is sick and it is my time with him.”
The first person tells his/her side of the story be describing what “I think, feel, want.” Stay away from accusations about the other person (“You did.”). Typically, all such statements should begin with the word “I”. “I feel you are not thinking about what he needs to get well, and how he will want to be in his own bed.” “I feel that I’ll never get to do some of the nurturing that lets him know I can take care of him, and that he can be comfortable in his room at my house too.”
The second person restates what he/she has heard in terms of content and the feelings underlying it. “You are worried that he will not get well as quickly if he is at my house, and you want to make him as comfortable as possible.” “You want to take care of him too, and you feel that having both parents caring for him can be more important than where he is when he doesn’t feel well.”

Steps 1 and 2 are repeated, changing positions so that the second person tells his/her side of the story and the other person rephrases what’s been communicated. For more steps to conflict resolution, see http://www.problogger.net/archives/2006/09/15/10-steps-to-conflict-resolution/. For a good article on dealing with couples anger, see http://www.ext.colostate.edu/Pubs/consumer/10238.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Mediation Basics

admin — Mon, 18 May 2009 12:00:55 +0000

If you are considering mediation as an option for your divorce, it may be helpful for you to know the very basics of what mediation consists of. If you choose to mediate your divorce, the mediator typically will contract for a certain number of sessions, or a specific time period. A fee will be determined and set, and usually billed by the hour. Both parties should be encouraged to speak with a lawyer so that they each understand the legal options available, and whether or not the mediation is proceeding in a way which is fair for him or for her. For a comparison of mediation and litigation, see http://www.peace-talks.com/compare.php.

Once the agreement, or partial agreement, is finalized, both parties are encouraged to have a lawyer review it, and formalize it for the court to review and approve. Be cautious about agreeing to a mediated settlement that is not examined by an attorney. Some mediators accept the parties’ decisions without informing them about potential unfairness to either party. Whether it is best to reach an uncontested settlement or to have an agreement that is beneficial to both parties in the long term is a matter of personal preference, but it is one that should be carefully considered to avoid regrets at a later date. For a host of information about divorce in general, see http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

An uncontested divorce date is set, both parties appear in court, the judge reviews and approves the agreement. If the judge does not approve the agreement, then it’s back to the mediator, or a review with an attorney, but typically mediated agreements are approved by the court without modifications.

In the past 20 years, more and more courts have set up alternative dispute resolution procedures. Family Relations Offices, Mediation Services, Judicial Pretrial Procedures, Conciliation Services, and special mediation programs exist throughout the country to help divorcing couples resolve their disputes outside of court. Oftentimes these programs are free of charge, or operate on a sliding scale, and may be an alternative to private mediation services.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com