Mediation Blog » Lifestyle Changes

More on Custody

admin — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 12:00:24 +0000

Of course, if you are unable to get out of bed in the morning to fix your children breakfast, or you have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness which affects your ability to parent your children, these situations can adversely affect your custody claim. As unflattering as your psychiatric diagnosis may be, however, it is likely that your spouse will attempt to make an issue of it in your case. If your therapist can testify about the progress you’ve made, the efforts you’ve put in to getting better, and your adherence to the therapist’s advice, the testimony will likely make the best of a less-than-optimal situation. Click here for an article on selecting the right evaluator. For a host of information in custody in general, click here.

Witnesses for hire: In no case or circumstance does it make sense to hire competing independent evaluators to produce a battle of the experts. All you do is double your headaches, economic costs, and often the experts present opposing testimony that leaves the court will little help in the end. Choose one neutral evaluator carefully. Check into the person’s background and make sure they have no biases towards men or women, or other vantage point. Then agree to abide by the evaluation, and stick to it, even if it is unfavorable for you. Any true expert will work with you to improve the recommendations for all parties, as the parties show their ability to work together or compromise.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

admin — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:44:06 +0000

Hyperventilating yet? This season is supposed to be a time of abundance, but it might be that the only abundant thing in your life right now is a lot of “supposed to’s.” You’re supposed to be brimming with generous spirit, living it up at all of your friends’ holiday parties, be turning over a new leaf at New Year’s, and your family is supposed to be all together, knocking each others’ socks off with a frenzy of gifts and a big meal. Those expectations inevitably lead to a big let down when you feel like you’ve totally overdone it or you’re disappointed you didn’t have enough.

This season more frightening than fun for many people, and especially for separated couples. Negotiating changes that involve children are even worse. The basic tenets that you’re using to create a peaceful divorce are especially powerful for solving problems right now. Before you’re sucked deeper into holiday hysteria, become clear on how you are going to handle the challenges that arise and what outcome you want to create.

Communicate
If you and your spouse have not settled on how to handle the holidays, don‘t wait any longer. Schedule a time to speak with them, and your mediator if necessary, to work out a plan that you can both stick to and get it in writing. Be prepared for the conversation by being calm, ready to listen, and willing to be hard on the problem, not the person. Don’t give your kids a reason to feel like they’re the cause of the conflict; their added stress is going to escalate the difficulty for everyone.

Manage Expectations
Be ready to have the awkward conversations with your kids about how where they’ll be and what they’ll be doing will be different this year. Ideally, you and your spouse can look at your children’s wish lists together and decide what you’ll be buying so that you don’t overlap or be anxious over how much the other is spending. It will also help your kids to understand ahead of time if they’re getting one thing off their list from each parent this year instead of three things from both of you like they have in the past.

Focus on Positive Outcomes
Last month I blogged about how to create a mission statement specifically for getting through the holidays. Go back to your goals – seeing people you love (while avoiding those you don’t), turning down the drama, etc. Acknowledge the people in your support network by giving back however you can; it’ll make you feel better too.

To read more about how to manage high expectations during the holidays, click here and here.

Forks in the Road: Settlement or Conflict?

admin — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:00:28 +0000

Once the decision to divorce is made, you reach a fork in the road, where you need to make a series of choices about how you will proceed with your divorce. At each fork in the road, you choose your path: settlement or conflict. You can maintain a generous outlook toward your spouse, which fosters settlement, or you can respond to your more negative emotions, which fosters more conflict. In choosing conflict, you soon find yourself further down the road toward adversarial divorce than you intended. Once several choices have been made that foster conflict over settlement, it becomes increasingly difficult to extract yourself.

Choices that exacerbate conflict include: acting with distrust and dishonesty, being aggressive or stubborn when reasonable compromises are available, or making the process difficult in order to satisfy your anger, desire for punishment of your spouse, or your fears. When each conflict is held onto with tenacity, feelings of affection from the marriage are eroded and are replaced by resentment that smolders into fury. These feelings often stem from grief that goes unacknowledged, your own or your spouse’s. When grief is not worked through, it becomes a cantankerous emotional tumor, spreading its way through your heart and central nervous system. It hardens into bitterness. For a good article on compromise in divorce, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorce—Finding-Compromise&id=516461.

Divorce is rarely easy, and bitter feelings make it more arduous. Although few couples actually go to trial, many go a long way towards trial before finally settling. These cases are characterized by added length and cost to the divorce process.

If your priorities are clear, you are willing to compromise on most sticking points, you hired an attorney who is interested in settlement, and you are not hindered by emotional issues carried over from the marriage or the hurt of facing divorce, then you have an excellent chance of settling your disputes with minimum chaos to you and your family. Of course, you can not effect success alone. Both partners have to participate. Some great information on conflict and compromise is provided at http://www.divorceinfo.com/conflict.htm.

Many spouses feel that they are the ones doing the compromising to achieve resolution, while their spouse is blocking it. Yet their spouse tells the same story, only he/she is the one doing all the work! When perceptions are so disparate, neither person can be acting in the “perfect” way they believe. If your conflict is increasing rather than decreasing, take a hard look at what you might do differently. Most important, try understanding what’s happening inside of you that is contributing to communication breakdowns. Assess whether you are acting out your feelings instead of experiencing and managing them.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Getting back on the Chain Gang

admin — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:47:10 +0000

If you have been thinking about re-entering the work force, you will want to do so as soon as possible. Brush up your resume, update your wardrobe, and research job prospects. If you have been thinking about changing careers, make those moves before you discuss a divorce with your spouse. A court is less likely to upset your plans if you have already started. For some fantastic post-divorce career resources, check out http://www.divorce360.com/college-and-career-after-divorce-360.aspx.

For example, assume that you have been thinking about getting divorced but need to finish your college degree. You enroll in school and finish two semesters, but have two semesters left to complete. The chances that a Judge will order your spouse to pay the remaining tuition are much better than your prospects of obtaining future tuition monies from your spouse for a college in which you have not yet enrolled. A clear plan can make all the difference

Some people, especially those who’ve been out of the job market for several years, experience a sense of panic and concern regarding the financial future when they realize that they will need to be responsible for their own household. If you have not worked for several years, you may think about going back to your previous field. On the other hand, this is your chance to change careers if you’re interested in doing something new, or if you find your old skills are hopelessly outdated. Be creative in your thoughts regarding your career future. Low paying jobs are going to be just as easy to obtain in six months or a year from now as they are today. Don’t rush into a decision you’ll regret later. Rather than assuming you will need to go back to work in a bank, retail sales, or another career which you left many years ago, begin to think about some of the activities that you have developed over the course of the marriage.

Make sure you also understand what your cost of living will be after the divorce and that you look for a job that will allow you to make ends meet. For a great article on rebuilding you finances after divorce, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Rebuilding-Your-Finances-After-Divorce&id=77410.

Accepting an Unfair Settlement

admin — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:27:44 +0000

It is especially painful when you know that the offer on the table is unfair, and that the other person knows you will not fight much further because he or she is more willing than you to sacrifice your own sanity and your children’s interests. This is one of the most fraught situations for all involved, because the client gets angry at his or her attorney and the system for the inherent unfairness. The system can protect you from the extremes of abuse, but it cannot always protect you from a selfish and manipulative spouse. Nor can a lawyer deflect such behavior. In these situations, realize that you chose to marry and/or have children with the person who could act this way. No one can fix that for you. Get out of the relationship and rebuild your life the best you can. If you seek justice in family court, you will be dismayed. The outcome is usually as fair as both people involved.

In order to negotiate a settlement favorable for you, inform your lawyer of all relevant and pending issues, no matter how small the issues seem. A common example of this is the question of who will be permitted to claim certain tax exemptions once the divorce is finalized. You may see this as a small issue, but if it remains unresolved and problems erupt with tax returns it could be the source of great stress and strife later on. It’s better to deal with even the small issues, so that the agreement you negotiate is a total resolution of all the outstanding issues. If your lawyer thinks that an issue is too small to bother with, for example fighting over the stainless steel flatware, your lawyer will tell you.

If you are unable to settle your case after the court’s mandatory settlement conference, the Court will set a trial date.

Take this time to make sure you have done your research. See http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Work it Out

admin — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 21:25:34 +0000

You can never start planning for the future too soon, and when it comes to your career this is especially true. Now is the time to make those plans for your future financial responsibilities.

Unless you are independently wealthy, or you already have a salary that’s enough to support yourself and/or your family, you need to get your career plans in order. You can’t risk being unable to support yourself adequately. Sometimes, people refuse to pay support amounts set by a judge despite court orders, and sometimes they aren’t ordered to make support payments at all. You need to be prepared for all of these scenarios. Divorces can be startling in their expense; keeping up two families is not one plus a little, it is two of everything or double what you need now.If education is an issue because you don’t have a high school diploma, didn’t finish college, need to update your skills, or you have let a professional license lapse, now is the time to get busy. For information on obtaining or finishing a degree, see www.educationdegreesource.com.

After the divorce starts in earnest, it will be much harder to begin.

Ideally, if you’ve been out of the job market for awhile, you will receive enough money from your spouse to ease your transition back into your career. This happens very rarely in practice. Either the family doesn’t have enough money, your spouse disappears or doesn’t pay, or your education or career move takes much longer than expected.

Several years ago, lifetime alimony awards for housewives were commonplace. Not so anymore. Women are expected to work, even if they cannot support themselves fully. Several states have abolished alimony entirely. And, with changing sex roles, it is not that unusual for men to put their careers on hold for children and other responsibilities. Nowadays, some men are awarded alimony, as well as child support, when they are awarded custody of children.

Lifetime alimony orders were also common in the past. Perhaps a housewife’s husband had an affair with his secretary, and that is the reason the marriage broke down. Twenty years ago, that would have meant a huge alimony order. Not so anymore. Alimony is now based on the spouse’s ability to pay, as well as the needs of the recipient.

In addition, the economic reality for most families is that maintaining two households will necessitate two incomes, even if one is small than the other. There simply isn’t enough money to go around, no matter how deserving the prospective recipient.

Don’t gamble on alimony. Find your ideal career and make the subject moot.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com.