For the parent paying child support, the amount may seem astronomical. “Given the dollars involved, the children should be living like kings.” For the recipient, the money is never enough. The recipient is “shopping with coupons, wearing hand-me-downs, and eating leftovers – and still the ends never meet.” Click here for child support information.  

Most people drastically underestimate what children cost.  They also underestimate what maintaining two households costs.  While you’re living together as a family, you’re paying for one family home, one set of toys, and one set of clothes. When you separate, you’re suddenly paying for two homes, two sets of toys, and almost two sets of clothes. Not all of the additional expenses have to do with the children directly: there are two mortgages or rents, two sets of home insurance, and two sets of household items. And your children’s needs are increasing with age: dancing lessons, soccer dues, hockey equipment, and field trip entrance fees. 

Statistically, men who pay child support fare better economically than women who receive child support just  years after the divorce is finalized. The Child Support Guidelines adopted by each state were designed to even out the economics of the custodial vs. non-custodial parent. For those who pay support as ordered, and those who receive it, the finances are evening out somewhat. However, other societal factors work against equality, such as the differences in wages between men and women doing the same jobs.  Also, parents who see children only on weekends and days off are free to work overtime during the week, and to pursue career-enhancing activities when the children are not with them.

When spouses become embittered about their side of the “lopsided” financial picture, both spouses blame the other, and grouch about their side of the financial picture. If you are feeling angry about how little you get, or how much you pay, try to sit down together and assess where the money is going. Use general categories rather than details about you each spend your money;  the divorce obviates that obligation to each other. But look at broad categories and ascertain whether in fact someone is “getting screwed,” or whether there is just less money to spread around. Becoming more realistic about your finances may improve relations with your spouse enormously. 

Although the advent of child support guidelines have decreased the tendency to use child support as a bargaining chip in custody negotiations, it still happens. Many parents ask about reductions in child support for shared custody situations. Other parents ask for reductions in support based on split custodial arrangements.  The laws of most states recognize that these situations are special, and may warrant an adjustment to the amount of money that one parent pays to the other. Exactly how much the support amounts vary depends on the laws of each state. Some have complicated calculations based on the percentage of time spent with each parent, and other states treat each case separately, based on the facts. Click here for another interesting article.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

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