Domestic Violence | Mediation Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Domestic Violence’

More on Restraining Orders

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

An extremely small number of people, however, completely disregard the court orders. Intent on causing harm, they are undeterred by the possible punishments of violating the orders. These people are extremely dangerous. Thankfully, they are also extremely rare, but you must be prepared for the possibility that the person from whom you need protection will not be stopped by a court order to stay away from you. You must take reasonable precautions to protect yourself. If you believe that the person against whom you seek protection might violate the restraining order and place you in physical danger, you must utilize self-defense techniques and common sense to protect yourself. Contact your local Domestic Violence agency or coalition for information on how to obtain an advocate to walk you through the steps needed to ensure your safety and negotiate the legal system. Click here for more information.

Some important ways you can protect yourself:

keep a certified copy of your order with you at all times
change your burglar alarm code
change the locks on your home
carry pepper spray or Mace (if legal in your state)
never walk to your car alone
never walk anywhere in the dark alone
check the interior of your car with a flashlight or natural light before getting in
alert your neighbors and local police of the situation
find safe shelter, such as an abused women’s shelter, if you still feel in danger
call the police every time the order is violated, no matter how small the violation.

Click here for more information.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Restraining Orders
Posted in Acrimony, Safety, Self Care, Self Esteem | Comments Off

Both Men and Women Can Qualify for Restraining Orders

Monday, January 10th, 2011

Men need to think about restraining orders as well. In these days of readily available handguns and other weapons, any physical threat must be taken seriously. Is your wife calling you repeatedly day and night? Is she calling you ten times a day at your work place? Michael’s wife could not bear the issue of being separated from her husband. Her sense of loss and fear for the future caused her to become extremely anxious and hysterical. Since she was convinced he was seeing another woman, she would call him at 2, 3, 4 o’clock in the morning just to see if another woman would answer the telephone. “I’ll kill her and you!” she’d scream into the phone. During the course of the day she would call him at his office, screaming abusive remarks to his secretary and also to him. Michael’s boss, finding him distracted from his work, spoke to Michael about the need to control his wife. Michael spoke to his lawyer about this, a restraining order was issued and the harassment stopped. Click here to visit the restraining order help center.

Legal Remedies Have Limited Shielding Power Restraining orders are pieces of paper. They are not shields. They work only when the person against whom they’re issued will abide by the orders. For some individuals, the threat of legal action and even criminal penalties are not enough to keep them away from you. Take the physical precautions you feel are necessary to protect yourself. Get an unlisted telephone number; do not tell your batterer your address. Install outside security lighting; install an alarm system; change the alarm code. File a copy of the restraining order with your children’s school.

What the Orders Can and Cannot Do For You

Court orders are useful for self-protection in cases in which the person against whom the order is issued will abide by the order, or who will violate the order in such a way as to permit police intervention. The orders provide legal protection, which means that a police officer can enforce the orders and impose criminal and civil penalties (like jail time and fines) to anyone who violates the orders.

The vast majority of people against whom restraining orders are issued abide by them. A few people feel the need to test the orders by violating them in some small way, such as parking in front of your house or calling on the phone, and a quick call to the police allows law enforcement officers to enforce the order. Click here for more information.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Order of Protection, Restraining Order
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Safety, Self Care, Self Esteem | Comments Off

How do I Enforce the Orders with my Spouse?

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

Once you have your restraining order it is very important that you adhere to the guidelines of that order. Regardless of whether your partner is abiding by the restraining order, you must. For instance, if you see your husband or wife in the parking lot, supermarket, department store, simply turn around and walk away. You can always go back another time to do your shopping. Click here for an article on enforcing protection orders.

Seeing your partner during the times when the restraining order is active can be a highly emotional experience. You may experience a rush of feeling when you see or hear from your spouse. Such feelings can evoke deep seated anger and resentment for what the person is putting you through, and it is not unusual to initiate a verbal altercation or argument with your partner. Or, the sense of loss may well up again, and you may feel as if you want to hold onto your partner even if just for a moment. Despite these feelings, once you have obtained your restraining order, you must abide by it. Going to counseling with the person who has abused you or threatened to abuse you is permissible, but permitting that person to come to your house or meet you even in a public place may compromise your safety. If the order says that the person is to have no contact with you, you should have no contact with that person either. If, in a moment of weakness, you invite your spouse to meet with you at your home, and he becomes violent, the police may not show up fast enough to remove him before you are harmed. That could be true especially if the police have heard from you before after you have invited him in, and you are not taken seriously.

Juliet obtained a restraining order after her husband hit her, yet despite the order he was following her in the car, and calling her on the telephone at all hours of the day and night. A sense of sadness and loss regarding the marriage compelled her to meet with him for coffee. On the telephone her husband was sweet and considerate. During one of these coffee dates an argument started. Juliet asked the manager to call the police. When they arrived they determined that they would send Juliet and her husband on their way without making an arrest; after all, Juliet had agreed to meet her husband voluntarily. Juliet’s husband continued to call her and harass her and she tried to have her husband arrested in violation of the restraining order. Because of her previous agreement to meet him, however, her husband had sufficient evidence that she was a willing and complying partner in their meetings, and the restraining order was not extended by the court. This left Juliet in an extremely vulnerable position regarding her physical well being. Click here for additional resources.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Order of Protection, Restraining Order
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Safety, Self Care, Self Esteem | Comments Off

Order for Protection: Criminal Court Relief

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011

A Temporary Restraining Order is a civil remedy, as opposed to a criminal remedy. If the police become involved in your case, you may also be entitled to a criminal restraining order, some times called an Order of Protection or a Protective Order, through the criminal court and the police department. A civil restraining order is separate and in addition to “or instead of” a criminal order. You can obtain such an order by contacting the local police department, but typically they are automatically issued by the criminal court after your spouse (or other abuser) has been arrested. Click here for more information on protection orders.

How Should I Prepare to Successfully Obtain a Temporary/Protective Court Order?

Document your legal grounds for applying for an order. When physical violence occurs, file a police report, or go to the doctor and tell the doctor the details about what happened. This will create an account of the severity and frequency of your injuries.

Take photographs of your injuries as documentation.
You should document both physical abuse and emotional abuse.
It is also important to tell close friends, family, psychologist or family therapist when incidents occur. These people will then be in a position to corroborate your claims of abuse and be a witness for you, should that become necessary.

Even if you do not pursue a restraining order at that time, save these materials in a safe place. At the very least, take notes. Two, three, or eight months from now, you may not remember the time, place and date as well as the details of the incident. Unfortunately, you never know when you might need this documentation.

If you have none of this kind of documentation, but feel that you need a restraining order, apply for one anyway. You do not have to have documentation in order to qualify for a restraining order. It helps, but it isn’t necessary in most cases. Click here for another terrific resource.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Order of Protection, Police Involvement
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Protecting Yourself, Safety, Self Care | Comments Off

More on Violence and Abuse

Friday, December 31st, 2010

If the abuse is physical or violent in any way, or is verbal but threatens physical violence (“I’ll burn the house down with you in it”), you may qualify for a restraining order or an order of protection. In addition, this type of violence can be a factor in property distribution and alimony if your state considers the reasons that the marriage broke down in property division and alimony orders. Therefore, even if you elect not to obtain a restraining order or order of protection, it may still make sense to raise violence as an issue pertinent to your case. For more on restraining orders, click here. For more on an order of protection, click here.

If you have been subjected to abuse that is predominantly verbal: badgering, insulting, screaming and the like, but which doesn’t include threats to physically hurt you, then you are probably not entitled to a restraining order or order of protection in most jurisdictions. This type of abusive behavior, however, may be considered “fault” in those jurisdictions which consider the reasons that the marriage broke down in property division and alimony orders. You may also use this information in a custody dispute, as evidence of your spouse’s deficiency as a parent. You will need to discuss this with your attorney to decide if it would be worthwhile to pursue a fault claim on this basis.

Other types of abuse include threats toward your children. If the abuse is either physical or of a violent nature toward your children, or involves threats to kidnap them, then you may be able to apply for and receive a restraining order or order of protection on behalf of your children. This is described in more detail in a later section of this chapter.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Order of Protection, Restraining Order
Posted in Acrimony, Protecting Yourself, Safety, Self Care | Comments Off

Temporary Restraining Order

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

If your spouse has been physically abusive or threatening to you in the immediate past, you may qualify for a Temporary Restraining Order. The general standard for such a restraining order is that the person against whom it is granted must be a relative of yours by blood or by marriage, or someone with whom you have lived. That person must have put you in a position where you are under a present threat of physical abuse. That means that if your spouse abused you 2 years ago, and in some cases 2 months ago, you will not qualify. You do not need to have bruises, black eyes, or broken bones in order to qualify. Threats such as “I will burn down the house before I give it to you”, menacing actions with handguns, pushing, shoving, and physical restraint may all qualify as abuse sufficient for a restraining order. You need not have the police involved in most cases in order to qualify. Click here for more information.

Most courts have set up the process so that you can apply for and obtain a Temporary Restraining Order without hiring an attorney. You can hire an attorney to help you obtain such an order, but it isn’t necessary. The procedure includes filling out appropriate forms, available at the Court Clerk’s office. You then tell a judge a brief explanation of the history of abuse and why you are afraid at the present time. The order goes into effect immediately. The order forbids your spouse from coming near you, into your home, or into your place of work, calling to harass you by telephone, placing any physical restraint on you, or assaulting you. Even coming near you is a violation of the restraining order, and your spouse could be arrested for doing so.

Thus, you may wish to obtain a TRO before the divorce papers are served, in order to protect yourself. For many, seeking a restraining order will be the last step towards a divorce after many episodes of abuse or threats, or both.

A follow-up hearing is then scheduled within a few days or weeks to give the person against whom you have the order a chance to tell his or her side of the story. If the restraining order is continued after the hearing, it usually stays in effect for several months, depending upon your state’s laws. These orders provide special relief for special circumstances, and should not be used in- appropriately in an effort to simply have your (non-abusive) spouse removed from the family home. Click here for another article on temporary restraining orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Protecting Yourself, Temporary Restraining Order
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Safety, Self Care | 1 Comment »

If You are at Risk for Violence

Monday, December 27th, 2010

Make a safety plan. Have ready to go:

an address book with important names and numbers: doctors, school personnel, teachers, police, domestic violence hot line, shelters, and trustworthy friends and relatives
documents: driver’s license, insurance information, car registration, copy of house deed, passport/green card/work permits, social security card, birth certificate
household information: mortgage book, unpaid bills, debt information, insurance papers
copy of any restraining orders already in effect
money and credit cards
medications
children’s favorite personal possessions, such as blankets, stuffed animals, bottles
change of clothing for each member who might flee with you

If you are planning an escape, call a lawyer who is experienced with the special risks and needs in domestic violence situations before you do anything else. If there is no time, call after you have left your home. Do not allow a confrontation, just leave without notice and get to a safe place. Click here for information on creating a domestic abuse safety plan.

What Constitutes an Abusive Relationship as Far as the Court is Concerned?

For legal purposes, various types of abuse are categorized as either:

verbal abuse which does not present a threat of actual danger, i.e., “You’re stupid, lazy and irresponsible and I hate you”
verbal abuse which may constitute a present threat of physical danger, i.e., “I’m going to get a gun and shoot you” or “I’m going to burn down the house”
verbal abuse which may constitute a threat to commit a crime, i.e., “I’m going to take the children and move to another country and you’ll never find me”
verbal abuse coupled with a history of physical abuse, i.e., “I’m going to give it to you just like last time” or other innuendos which refer to previous physical instances
restraining you from leaving without actually physically touching you, i.e., blockading you into a room or the house
violent behavior which takes place in your presence but which doesn’t hurt you, i.e., throwing a heavy object in your direction which isn’t intended to hit you and which doesn’t hit you, or putting a fist through a wall; intent to intimidate is present
sexual assault, i.e. any unwanted physical sexual touching or fondling
physical abuse, i.e, slapping, punching, tripping, shoving or any other unwanted or menacing physical touching which happens at least once. It need not cause a bruise or injury.

Once you are able to categorize the type of abuse which you are receiving, you can then decide when and if to bring it up to the court. Click here for a website dedicated to safety from domestic abuse.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Risk, Risk for Abuse
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Safety, Self Care, Self Esteem | Comments Off

I am at Risk for Violence?

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

If your spouse is controlling, jealous, possessive, and threatening in several of the ways described above, you are at risk for being hurt during your divorce. The risk increases for women if their partners own or have access to a gun, have a history of abusing alcohol or drugs, have stalked them in the past, or threatened violence or suicide. When you are the one leaving or your husband and you are involved in a custody dispute, you should be especially careful. If any or several of these descriptors fit your relationship, you should assess the likelihood of conflict escalating into violence with the help of an attorney or mental health professional, and you should take necessary precautions. Click here for an article on domestic abuse associated with divorce.

In the meantime, you can informally assess what the risk is for you of continued contact with your spouse by asking yourself these questions:

Is the frequency of the violence increasing?
Is the severity of the violence increasing?
What is the frequency of alcohol or drug use? How often is the point of intoxification (drunkeness) reached?
Has your spouse threatened to harm the children?
Has your spouse threatened to kill you or significant others?
Has your spouse threatened to coerce or hurt you sexually?
Have there been any suicide attempts or threats made?
Are any weapons available to him, and have they ever been used in fights before?
Does he have any known psychological problems?
How close do you live or work to each other?
How often does control get exerted around contact with the children, by him? By you?
What kinds of life stresses is he currently experiencing? How have these changed recently?
Does he have a criminal history?
Is there a new relationship in your life? Does he know? How has he acted about it?

If the answers indicate that you have reason to fear, and that trouble seems more likely at the current time, then you should proceed with immediacy and care.

Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Risk for Abuse
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Self Care | Comments Off

What if My Child has Witnessed Violence

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

Over 3 million children are at risk of exposure to parental violence each year. Most research suggests that as many as 75% of children from violent homes observe their fathers battering their mothers, with reports ranging from 68% to 87%. It has been noted that in some instances the violence is most likely to occur when the children are present, as the father seeks to further humiliate his wife. The amount of hostility and verbal abuse turned on you can and does affect your children. Research shows that children who witness such behavior show long lasting effects.

Children are prone to suffer from parental violence in four ways:

Immediate trauma
Longer term adverse effects on their normal development
Living under high levels of stress on a consistent basis, with the trauma that fear of harm to self and mother inflicts
Exposure to violent role models

Children who have witnessed violence report fear, worry, confusion, and stress. They experience problems regardless of their age at the time of the violence. Children as young as one year were observed to regress in their behavior so dramatically that they were incorrectly diagnosed as mentally retarded. Preschoolers demonstrate more yelling, hiding, shaking, stuttering and aches and pains in their heads, stomachs, and bowels. Children older than about six years of age may identify with the aggressive parent, growing up to be aggressive or abusive themselves. This is especially true for boys who have watched their fathers berate and abuse their mothers. Girls are more likely to display passive, withdrawn and dependent behavior. They also are more likely to become targets of abusive fathers; they are 6.5 times more likely to be sexually abused by their fathers than are girls in nonviolent homes. In the long term, girls are likely to repeat their mothers’ behavior, falling into abusive relationships. Click here for more information.

Other problems experienced by children who witness their mothers being abused include pervasive anxiety, fear, sleep disruption (e.g., nightmares, bed wetting), and school problems. Depression, low self-esteem, poor self-confidence, and insecurity are internal symptoms recorded by researchers. Difficulties in academic achievement, concentration, absenteeism, and conflict with other children are more externalized symptoms also commonly found among children who witnessed violence at home. The children are often less socially competent than their peers, as they are more isolated and feel shame about their families. By adolescence, children who witnessed violence have more behavior problems, are more likely to get into trouble with the law, and are more likely to commit violent acts outside the family. One study suggests that these children are arrested by police four times more often than non-abused children. Some adolescents express their distress by running away, abuse of alcohol, or suicide attempts. In divorcing families where violence was frequent and ongoing, research has also traced the development of personality disorders that are difficult to change and require long and intensive therapy. For another article, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence Toward Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Child Support Issues, Conflict Management, Self Care | 1 Comment »

Setting Clear Boundaries

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Oftentimes, your situation does not meet the level of serious violence where you have to flee, but you are subject to ongoing intimidation. This is also a form of violence or battering. Understand that when you are being victimized, your children are at risk for being hurt too. Furthermore, you are teaching them about your expectations for relationships, a kind of learning that they may carry with them throughout their life and repeat when it is their turn to become involved in intimate relations. Set standards for how you will allow yourself and your children to be treated. Click here for a terrific article on boundary setting.

Indications that your partner has gone too far include: getting angry at you when you disagree; punching holes in walls; throwing objects (aimed at nothing or at you); destroying belongings; threatening to hurt you or leave you for the purpose of creating fear in you; physically restraining you from leaving home; putting pressure on you not to work when you want to; insulting or ridiculing you; becoming jealous of your friends, activities, or hobbies; making you account for your whereabouts at all times; using promises and lies to manipulate you or to get you to forgive an angry behavior; isolating you from friends or family; making you ask permission to go out or make a career move; threatening your possessions, pets, or children’s safety.

Do not allow behaviors that feel uncomfortable, frightening, or intimidating to become acceptable to you or your children. These behaviors are forms of abuse even if you do not fear for your safety. Make it clear to your spouse that he can no longer seek to control your life or your actions. If you do fear for your safety, you will need to take additional steps to stay safe. Click here for another terrific article.

When Your Children Are Involved and Affected

Children can be affected from parental violence in several ways. They can be injured during an incident between their parents; they can be traumatized by fear for their mother and their own sense of helplessness in protecting her; they can blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it; they can be directly abused themselves; and they can be neglected by parents who cannot care for them properly due to the violence in their relationship. Studies show that parents underestimate how often and to what extent children are witnesses to parental violence. Both mothers and fathers report that children are witnesses less than the children report when given the opportunity to respond for themselves.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Protecting Children, Setting Boundaries
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans, Self Care | Comments Off

Recent Posts

Categories

Recent Comments

Posts Tagged ‘Domestic Violence’

More on Restraining Orders

Both Men and Women Can Qualify for Restraining Orders

How do I Enforce the Orders with my Spouse?

Order for Protection: Criminal Court Relief

More on Violence and Abuse

Temporary Restraining Order

If You are at Risk for Violence

I am at Risk for Violence?

What if My Child has Witnessed Violence

Setting Clear Boundaries