Mediation Blog » Dealing with Your Spouse

Tiger Woods, a lesson.

admin — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 04:01:32 +0000

The craziness of the Tiger Woods news coverage has finally saturated all the way through, to the point where I even I needed to share my opinion before we all (hopefully soon) learn to live in a post-Tiger PGA world.

Mr. Woods allegedly cheated on his wife. A lot. The details revealed by the many, many people party to this conflict vary, but all I need to know is that Tiger could have been honest with his wife a long time ago about the feelings that lead him to cheat – distance in their relationship, a desire to meet the lowest common denominator of ethics among athletes, whatever. If he had been honest, he might have been able to have a quiet split, or possibly hold onto his marriage and his mult-million dollar endorsements. Instead, he’s in for a very long, contentious, expensive and embarrassing divorce.

Honesty might not guarantee a successful marriage, but it’s absolutely necessary for a peaceful divorce. Honesty with yourself, and with your spouse, gives you the power to identify the sources of your conflicts, clearly articulate needs, and productively work toward lasting solutions. Even if you have committed to all of the principles of a peaceful divorce, there’s probably been an issue where you’ve wondered if honesty is really the best policy. You may think to yourself that everything will go much more smoothly if your spouse doesn’t find out about that other credit card you maxed out, your feelings for your landscaper, or that you’re so unhappy that you caved on something important that you’ll be retributive later.

Think again. If you’re being forthcoming in every other aspect of your divorce process, you are in peril of losing all of the progress and good faith you built when what you’ve been hiding is revealed. If your divorce is already contentious, your secret is bound to come to light while attorneys are combing through your life. The risks of being dishonest during your divorce can add tremendous time and expense, and in some cases be considered perjury (http://www.facebook.com/#/notes/peace-talks-mediation-services/ethical-problems-if-its-your-hidden-income/201576389299). The risks will outweigh the rewards. For more guidance that Tiger wishes he’d had, read YourDivorce Advisor (http://www.amazon.com/Your-Divorce-Advisor-Psychologist-Emotional/dp/0684870681/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260834339&sr=8-1).

Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

admin — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:44:06 +0000

Hyperventilating yet? This season is supposed to be a time of abundance, but it might be that the only abundant thing in your life right now is a lot of “supposed to’s.” You’re supposed to be brimming with generous spirit, living it up at all of your friends’ holiday parties, be turning over a new leaf at New Year’s, and your family is supposed to be all together, knocking each others’ socks off with a frenzy of gifts and a big meal. Those expectations inevitably lead to a big let down when you feel like you’ve totally overdone it or you’re disappointed you didn’t have enough.

This season more frightening than fun for many people, and especially for separated couples. Negotiating changes that involve children are even worse. The basic tenets that you’re using to create a peaceful divorce are especially powerful for solving problems right now. Before you’re sucked deeper into holiday hysteria, become clear on how you are going to handle the challenges that arise and what outcome you want to create.

Communicate
If you and your spouse have not settled on how to handle the holidays, don‘t wait any longer. Schedule a time to speak with them, and your mediator if necessary, to work out a plan that you can both stick to and get it in writing. Be prepared for the conversation by being calm, ready to listen, and willing to be hard on the problem, not the person. Don’t give your kids a reason to feel like they’re the cause of the conflict; their added stress is going to escalate the difficulty for everyone.

Manage Expectations
Be ready to have the awkward conversations with your kids about how where they’ll be and what they’ll be doing will be different this year. Ideally, you and your spouse can look at your children’s wish lists together and decide what you’ll be buying so that you don’t overlap or be anxious over how much the other is spending. It will also help your kids to understand ahead of time if they’re getting one thing off their list from each parent this year instead of three things from both of you like they have in the past.

Focus on Positive Outcomes
Last month I blogged about how to create a mission statement specifically for getting through the holidays. Go back to your goals – seeing people you love (while avoiding those you don’t), turning down the drama, etc. Acknowledge the people in your support network by giving back however you can; it’ll make you feel better too.

To read more about how to manage high expectations during the holidays, click here and here.

Executing the Mortgage in Favor of Your Spouse

admin — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 12:00:35 +0000

If you are not in a position to refinance the house or pay your spouse immediately, and there are not enough assets to offset your spouse’s interest in the home, you might consider giving your spouse a mortgage on the home, or securing your spouse’s interest in the home using an equitable interest notice.

If you have determined what the spouse will be paid for his or her interest in the home, and the terms of the agreement, your lawyer can prepare a mortgage document to secure the spouse’s interest in the home in the land records. That way, even if you die, your spouse’s interest is protected.

A negotiating point will be whether or not the mortgage secured against the home will bear interest. Sometimes, it makes financial sense to pay your spouse interest on the mortgage which can accumulate if he or she has to wait a long period of time for the money rather than having to immediately sell or refinance the house. Understand, however, that even if the house value falls, you will still owe the amount of money set forth in the mortgage.

For example, let’s say your home is worth $100,000.00 and there is an $80,000.00 mortgage on the home, leaving $20,000.00 in equity. You and your spouse have agreed to divide your assets 50/50 and you are going to keep the house, but you are unable to pay your spouse for his or her $10,000.00 interest in the home. You agree to execute a mortgage in favor of your spouse that you will pay in a lump sum in 10 years. This mortgage will be documented by your attorney, who will draft the proper papers, and record them on the land records.

The next question is whether this mortgage will bear interest for your spouse. Your spouse is waiting ten years to get $10,000.00. If she or he forced you to sell the house, he or she would get money immediately. Having to wait for the money may mean that your spouse is not able to buy another house or condominium immediately and has to make certain sacrifices. In such situations, having the mortgage pay interest is a desirable option.

If the market goes up, and in 10 years the $100,000 house is now worth $200,000, you are still obligated only to pay the $10,000 (plus interest, if negotiated) agreed upon in the original divorce agreement. Your spouse then gets $10,000 (plus interest, if negotiated) and you keep the $190,000 value (less any outstanding mortgages) of the house. If the value of the house skyrockets to $300,000.00, you would get to keep all of the extra equity by virtue of the house’s appreciation, and you would only owe your spouse $10,000.00. For more information on the financial aspects of divorce, see http://www.peace-talks.com/finformation.php. Also visit the Peace Talks resource center at

http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Arrangements for the Sale of Your Home

admin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:00:02 +0000

If you intend to sell your house, contact a neutral real estate agent who can give you trustworthy advice about preparing the property for a quick sale. Ask the realtor to tell you the minimum number of repairs and maintenance items needed to make the house easier to sell. Keep track of your expenses for the fix up, and keep track of who does all of the work. Don’t do anything fancy or major to the house unless it is absolutely necessary, or unless you and your spouse unequivocally agree that the improvement will be financially worthwhile. For example, painting the hallway is inexpensive and easy to do on your own, and if it will help your house sell faster, do it. If you and your spouse can cooperate in this effort, then do it together. If you can’t cooperate in doing this together, see if you can arrange to divide the tasks so that each of you can work on the house separately.

Even if your spouse won’t participate, such tasks still need to be accomplished. Perhaps you and your spouse can agree on hiring a painting company or maintenance service person to do the work for you, and splitting the cost. Even if you have to do all of the work yourself, do it. A speedy sale for a higher price benefits both of you. It is silly to let a home deteriorate, or let a sale slip through your hands by refusing to fix a roof, because your spouse won’t help pay. Keep a list of everything you do, so that if your case needs to be tried you can tell the judge about it later, but try to remain practical and pragmatic for now. Continue to work towards a solution rather than create an impasse, irrespective of your spouse’s behavior. Don’t lose sight of the benefit you will bring to yourself by putting up with some inconvenience in the short term. For some information on how to sell your house quickly, see http://www.ourfamilyplace.com/homeseller/prepare.html. Also see, “How to Sell Your House Quickly in Any Market, http://ezinearticles.com/?How-to-Sell-Your-House-Quickly-in-Any-Market!&id=1750273.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Negotiations Once the Value of the House is Set

admin — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:27 +0000

Negotiating once the value of the house is set is a process that demands creativity and flexibility. Determine your priorities in advance of the negotiating process. In settling your case, you and your spouse can develop a plan that works for both of you. Generally, judges will approve any agreement which is basically fair to both parties. That means that you can be as creative as you wish with respect to the timing and provisions for the sale of the house and division of the equity.

Reasons To Sell

cannot afford mortgage payments
too much upkeep
too much money tied up in equity
too many memories
money owed to others (such as family loan for down payment) makes refinance or buy out impossible

Reasons Not To Sell

stability for yourself and children
ability to refinance or buy out spouse
sufficient diversity of assets, i.e., in addition to house equity you also have kept some liquid assets for emergencies and/or sufficient retirement funds given your age and employment
ability to maintain house
ability to make mortgage payments
tax considerations (deductibility of mortgage payments and capital gains)

If You Decide Not to Sell: Joint Versus Sole Ownership

You and your spouse have two choices concerning the ownership of the house. You can continue to own the home jointly, or one of you can own it in one sole name. Although joint ownership may continue after a divorce, in practice this is sometimes inconvenient. It keeps one spouse from mortgaging or selling the property without the other spouse knowing, but it also can create friction between divorced spouses who may have different priorities with respect to the upkeep and maintenance of the home.

If one spouse retains ownership, that spouse is entitled to make all decisions concerning the property, free from any interference from the other spouse. While this may not seem like a benefit initially, five, ten or fifteen years later the benefit of having autonomy with respect to the home ownership becomes more tangible.

Ownership of the house is different, or can be different, than the responsibility for paying the mortgage. If both you and your spouse have signed the bank papers to be responsible for the mortgage, merely signing the title of the house over to one spouse does not relieve the other spouse of his or her responsibility to continue paying the mortgage. Refinancing the home mortgage in the sole name of the spouse keeping the house is the safest way to protect the spouse who won’t be occupying the home. If refinancing is impossible or impractical, your lawyer can help you build language into the agreement to protect the spouse who has relinquished his or her interest in the house from having to pay the mortgage. For some excellent resources on dividing the marital home in divorce, see http://www.womansdivorce.com/marital-home-and-divorce.html. Also see the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Determining the Value of the House

admin — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 12:00:57 +0000

Determining the value of your house may help you make the decision about whether or not to sell. Determining its essential value is easy if the house is on the market for sale, and a willing buyer offers a price that both you and your spouse feel is fair. The ultimate value of your house is what someone is willing to pay you to buy it. At the closing, the mortgage and any liens are paid off, you pay the realtor’s fees, and the leftover money is the net equity. That’s the amount you and your spouse divide.

If you are not going to sell your house, or you are uncertain, you can have it professionally appraised. Since the 1980s real estate boom and crash, few people have a realistic idea of what their home is worth. Their sentimental attachments interfere with their ability to accurately assess its value.

Real estate agents may offer to appraise your home for free, but beware. These same agents may realize that you are divorcing, and may want the listing on the house in the event that it’s sold. In order to entice you to do that, they may artificially inflate the value of the home, in an effort to woo you into listing the property with them.

How to select an appraiser with your spouse

If possible, select an appraiser with your spouse. Ask for a referral from a trusted real estate agent, friend who has recently sold or purchased a house, or your lawyer. If you each know an appraiser but cannot agree on which appraiser to use, you may ask your appraisers to make a recommendation. If you can agree on an appraiser, you can split the cost, which poses an obvious advantage. By choosing one appraiser, rather than each hiring your own, you avoid “dueling appraisers” who testify against each other at a trial, a time-consuming and expensive approach.

If you cannot agree on one appraiser, and each hire your own, choosing a respected appraiser who assigns a fair value to your home is generally the best strategy. If your case proceeds to trial, you’ll need an appraiser who is respected in the professional community and who has experience testifying in court. An unscrupulous appraiser who assigns a disproportionately high or low appraisal value to your home to please you may not be able to justify that value in court. Judges do not take kindly to parties who try to unduly bias the Court in their favor. Such shading of the truth then undermines your case.

Once you have a fair appraisal, you can then work with the value of your home in further dividing your assets. For some terrific resources about selling when getting a divorce, see http://homebuying.about.com/od/sellingahouse/qt/0307DivorceHome.htm. Also see the Peace Talks divorce resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Sell or Keep the House?

admin — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:00:04 +0000

One of your first big decisions in your divorce is whether or not you can afford your house or apartment after the other spouse moves out, and if so, whether you want to continue to live there. The last thing that you and your spouse need is an unmanageable property that neither of you can afford. By the same token, don’t make any rash decisions. You can always give up an apartment or sell a house later, but you probably won’t be able to re-rent the same apartment or re-buy the house after you give it up.

Even if you can afford the house and want to live there, can you mow the yard and do the necessary repairs without your spouse to help? Is there too much space? Are there too many memories? Are you able to afford it, but it will take so much of your monthly income that you won’t be able to do anything besides pay the mortgage or rent and buy groceries? Is that a lifestyle you can accept? For an excellent article on whether to see your house, see http://parenting.ivillage.com/mom/structure/0,,t7f,00.html.

When Edith got divorced, she wanted the house. She and Charles had renovated it themselves over the last 10 years, and she’d personally picked out all of the details, from the paint color to the door knobs. When Charles said he was leaving, she felt the house was her only solace. It was a comfort to her, but only for a time. Within two years she realized she was rushing home from her job every day to mow the yard, wait for the washing machine repairman, and to clean. She barely had enough money left every month to go to the movies, and most of her “savings” were tied up in equity in the house. Two years ago, the house had been a comfort. Now it was a liability! She sold the house and moved to a condominium, and now has free time and money to enjoy herself.

If either you or your spouse can afford to stay in the home, and there is a sentimental reason or attachment to the home, or you want your children to stay there, you will need to begin thinking about who will be staying in the home. Once the decision about who is staying in the home is made, then the question becomes how to divide the equity in the home. For a good practical article, see http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/debt-and-credit/mortgage/need-to-sell-your-house-in-divorce.aspx?artid=899.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com