When you find yourself in a situation where tension is rising, remember these ways you can keep your argument at a controlled burn and stay productive.

• Encourage…Can you tell me what you mean?
• Clarify…When did I do that?
• Restate…So you wish I was more willing to see your parents?
• Empathize…You are very upset with me.
• Summarize…This is what you’ve said so far.
• Validate…I guess I do act helpless in front of the children, because I am hoping they’ll see how poorly you treat me. I can see how that would feel demeaning to you.
• Affirm…I hear you saying that you feel I am inflexible about rescheduling last week’s visitation.

Acknowledge that you hear the other person and understand what they are saying. Disallowing or debating with your spouse about who really has the right to be angry usually heightens the intensity of anger rather than diminishes it. But don’t pretend to feel all right about something when you do not; don’t give in just for the sake of peace. This kind of behavior usually leads to a re-occurrence of anger and conflict. Watch for signs of stress. To understand more about the signs and symptoms of stress, see http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm.

Admit to your share of the problem and tell your spouse you recognize where and how you are part of the problem, emphasizing that you want to move to being part of the solution.

Stress the legitimate benefits of resolving this together. Be ready to compromise, but remember, compromise isn’t just a 50-50 proposition; even a 10% compromise can lead to positive change in your relationship. Brainstorm many possible solutions rather than insisting on one ultimatum. Once you agree to a solution or at least feel that you have said your piece and listened to each other, then renegotiate with each other. Plan together how similar situations will be dealt with in the future. Contract together to take certain actions that are different from how you normally behave with each other. Encourage each other to manage the stress of your divorce by putting together a plan for yourselves like the ones discussed at http://www.uhs.uga.edu/stress/.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

1. Be hard on the problem, but easy on the people. “Mom’s healthcare is a tough set of decisions that need to be made. We’re smart people; we can figure this out.”
2. Listening is not the same thing as obeying. Meet people where they are, and hear out their concerns. They won’t consider changing their mind before they feel heard. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying, and then can I have a little time to think about it before I respond?”
3. Use “I” statements. “I would feel more comfortable if you left more space between the car in front of us and our car” is a request which is easy to honor.
4. Benefit of the doubt. Don’t take everything personally, because it probably isn’t really about you anyway. When someone is late for an appointment, are they really trying to hurt you, or are they doing it inadvertently because of something else that went wrong for them today?
5. No secrets. Have the awkward conversations before things get worse, not better. Little resentments build up over time—better to clear the air when it happens than to keep score.
6. Life is a dialogue. Conflict is inevitable. It’s how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. Keep the conversation going.
7. You can be right, or you can be happy. Choose your battles. Your happiness depends, at least in part, on how happy other family members are with you. It’s in your enlightened self interest to make sure that you’re making it easy to be nice to you.

Diana Mercer is the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Fireside 2001).