Mediation Blog » Dealing with Anger

Take Care of Yourself

admin — Thu, 27 May 2010 12:00:21 +0000

Once you have begun your divorce, the work of rebuilding your life has just begun. You will need to establish a consistent routine for yourself and your children that fits into your newly separated life. You will find this a demanding and disorganized time. The legal process in itself greatly adds to the stress. You have meetings to go to, paperwork to do, monetary matters to track, lawyers to meet with and to pay, and unless the divorce process is very amicable, all this happens against a backdrop of great uncertainty about the results of the process. Click here for nine tips for taking care of yourself after divorce.

Allow yourself to have some time each day or week, even if it is brief, which is time simply for you. You need to be aware of your own stress level, and be able to pause when you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. You may find that the household routine will require that you ask the children to do extra chores and tasks. You may need to ask neighbors, friends and family to help you at the commencement of your new lifestyle.

The single parent who is also employed or without previous social supports may find that the demands placed on him or her are overwhelming. Single parenting, like becoming a parent for the first time, is exhausting because you have so much to do, all of which needs to be done immediately. There is no one to give you a break, to take over when you are tired, or to give you support in dealing with the discipline or management of the children.

Yet with a sense of relief over having crossed the initial hurdles of separation and initiation of divorce proceedings, you may for the first time be able to organize and situate your life in a happier and healthier manner. The fact that you are solely in charge of running your home will enable you to establish what you want your home to be like and to feel like. Parents who are prepared to take risks, and try new behavior, will provide their children with a good example of positive coping with change and adversity. This will be a great advantage to your children as they develop. Click here for another terrific article.

Your children need to continue on with their own interests, friendships, and developmental growth spurts. They can do this easier and with less worry if they see you doing the same things for your own life. It is very important that they see you taking time to re-discover yourself. Besides, your children will not always need you in the same ways. When you have a full and active life that supports their growth, you will have an easier time letting go of them when it is appropriate to do so.

How do you stay consistent and on top of their needs while working on your own day-to-day existence? You keep them at the center of your life but you build many concentric circles of support and interest beyond just them. In this way, divorced parenting is not different from parenting in two parent families. You just have to work harder at it because there is not someone else reminding you to have a life. Allow yourself to be interesting and to have new hobbies. Be a person who tries new behaviors, re-examines her opinions, make mistakes. Your children will respect you and the fact that you are establishing a new more flexible and healthy family unit.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Avoid Holiday Hysteria

admin — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:49:44 +0000

It’s early November, and the stress of the holiday season may already be creeping in. Shopping for gifts and big meals, planning events, coordinating with family members and friends who are coming to visit…it’s an exciting, overwhelming time for everyone. But if you you’re separated, divorcing, or divorced, the next two months might feel like they’re completely out of control.

Fortunately, there are a few tools and strategies that you can start using now to preempt your own feelings of holiday hysteria and help create a peaceful season for your family.

In my upcoming book, Making Divorce Work, my co-author and I center several exercises around how to articulate your goals, which will help you stick to them. You should create goals for your entire divorce process and its outcome, and for moments when you’ll need some extra guidance to hold onto. Before things get crazy, take a few quiet minutes to write down what you want out of your holiday season. By taking the time now to articulate your big-picture goals for your divorce and its outcome, you will give yourself the power to stay focused on what you need, let go of what you don’t by defining how you’ll achieve your goals through manageable steps. When you feel like you’re going to lose it, you will be able to look to your goals for support in making decisions that will keep you on track towards.

For example:

“My family and children will enjoy the holidays and the fact that we’re getting divorced will not interfere with that”

“I will not fight with my relatives at the holiday table even if they try to start an argument”

“Years from now, I will be proud that I took the high road during conflicts and my behavior was a model to my children.”

Keep in mind that this isn’t a one-time exercise. Use goal-setting in situations where you feel you’re losing sight of what’s important by being overwhelmed by what’s urgent. Some of our mediation clients have kept their lists folded in their wallets or even on the fridge to help them keep focused on what they really want. As the holidays roll closer, take a deeper look at your goals and core strategies. Think about how you can use these points of focus to stay on course and avoid the drama that takes you away from achieving peace and satisfaction. In the coming weeks, I’ll be going over more specific strategies for resolving conflict and staying sane.

For more thoughts on how goal setting can help you navigate tough situations, see http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/just_divorced.html, http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Collaborative_Law/prioritizing-goals-interests.html, and Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

How Do I Manage My Anxiety at this Time?

admin — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:00:44 +0000

As discussed earlier in this chapter, most states have a mandatory waiting period before people can be divorced, even if both parties have completely resolved all of their issues. This period is sometimes referred to as a “cooling off” period, ostensibly designed so that people do not make hasty decisions to divorce. While you are waiting, a pervasive anxiety is natural. Anxiety is a nonspecific, persistent feeling of uneasiness in its milder form; a more intense version is filled with dread and fears. This period of the unknown is when most people turn off the trail of a rational divorce and begin bushwhacking through unmarked territory. Such stumbling about can lead you to spend many wasted hours feeling lost, frightened, and looking for a way back to the familiar.

Use this period to plan rather than to plot. Fill it with the productive work that leads to negotiation. Make your lists of assets, property, debts, and future desires. Get your priorities straight, knowing what you can and cannot live without in terms of living arrangements, money and property issues.

Set up and try interim agreements with your spouse, so that you learn what really matters to you. However, do not try various arrangements too flippantly. In many cases, post-divorce financial and child-related arrangements, yet to be discussed, are remarkably similar to the interim agreements couples set. Such agreements often lead to decisions by parents, and by the courts, that favor consistency and maintenance of current conditions, rendering it difficult to effect a major change. If you have agreed to pay $500 per month for alimony in the interim period, your claim that you cannot afford that amount will be difficult to prove subsequently.

One characteristic of the legal system that riddles this period with anxiety is that the legal process is slow, especially compared to individual desires to “get this over with as soon as possible.” You will feel on some weeks that nothing is happening in your case. Check in with your spouse and attorney. Perhaps there is some way you could help speed up the process, maybe documents are needed that you could amass more quickly, or perhaps there is nothing that can be done at this time and your spouse is working on his or her part. Knowing the status of your case and what to expect in terms of timing should help. For some common sense care for anxiety, see http://www.holisticonline.com/Remedies/Anxiety/anx_common_sense.htm. For 9 tips for managing anxiety without drugs, see http://www.johnshopkinshealthalerts.com/reports/depression_anxiety/1156-1.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

When Negotiations Break Down

admin — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 12:00:59 +0000

When negotiating, avoid handing down ultimatums. They rarely have the intended effect, and usually create deeper resentments. Contrary to popular opinion, do not pad your requests so that you wind up with what you really wanted from the beginning. This creates a sense of dishonesty that makes it hard to concede on other issues, since guessing what is really important to each party becomes a central focus. Then assumptions and worst fears creep in. Be clear about what you want, and then know what you can give in on and what you can’t.

If negotiations are breaking down, there are several remedies that are effective. If you both want the same outcomes, such as having the kids with you on Christmas day, try adding some additional ideas to the negotiation rather than convincing the other you have the best reasons. One idea would be to arrange two events for Christmas day, such as an early morning with one parent and a later dinner with the other, with each having its special charms. When you really want something your spouse is not giving in on, try sweetening the pie. If you already offered her silver for the antique mirror you want, try offering the silver and the china for the mirror.

Other techniques include changing perspectives, so that you each argue for the other person’s point. If both sides don’t seem equally valuable to you, then they may not be equitable.

Agree in theory about a decision, but do not make procedures at the same negotiation. Agree that you will divide your non-liquid assets between you, but do not decide which accounts or parts of the pension will go to each of you. Agree on a next step rather than outcome, i.e., you will each talk to your employer about a change in work schedule, without deciding who will change their schedules and when. Pose two or three options, and try each for a specified amount of time. Often a trial run will help you decide an issue based on situations you did not anticipate. Some agreements are built with contingency plans: if you get your raise at work, then you will increase your child support by $50. These plans depend on events that are likely but not assured. Negotiating one step at a time, with built in contingencies, may seem slower but it reduces the likelihood of false starts and retracing steps later. Having actual experience with options when a decision is made builds confidence in decisions. They lose their aura of the unknown, with fears that accompany unfamiliarity. For some conflict resolution tips for divorcing couples, see http://www.divorcenet.com/states/massachusetts/conflict_resolution_tips_for_divorcing_couples. Another good article on negotiating your settlement appears at http://www.insidedivorce.com/divorce-help/How-to-negotiate-your-divorce-settlement/?stage=A5D0E3C493500B427E453CDBDD04B1F2&subject=B0875360A0906896DA25C58745F8D4D1.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Negotiating for the Long Haul

admin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:00:54 +0000

Understanding negotiation leads to placing each conflict resolution opportunity into a broader context. Each conflict is a part of a whole negotiation strategy. The bigger picture requires a broader lens, like adding a panoramic lens to your camera to get a broader view. In addition to resolving individual conflicts, try looking at the whole picture.

Make a list of all the things you desire from the set of negotiations, and prioritize them from most to least important to you. Asterisk those items you could concede. It is important to give some things up without making a demand for something in return. You must have something to give that allows the other person to feel supported. The more generous you appear, the more likely you are to gain concessions.

Therefore, be clear from the beginning what you are prepared to give up, as a gift. When the other person offers you something, express your appreciation so that his or her gift does not feel invalidated. This increases the likelihood that such behavior will occur again. After every successful decision, write it down and give copies to all parties (both spouses and attorneys) to make sure that everyone has the same understanding of the agreement that was reached. Too often people make progress in negotiations and then disagree later about what was actually said and meant, building resentment as each person accuses the other of stalling and wasting time. If you are the person most eager to divorce, you can circumvent your partner’s stall tactics, which may not even be conscious. For a good article on negotiating in a divorce, see http://www.divorceinfo.com/negotiating.htm.

Another reason negotiations break down is because people take entrenched positions out of fear. For example, some mothers refuse to let the kids go away with their father because they are afraid the children will want to spend less time with them because their father offers more exciting weekends. Discussing this, or ensuring that Mom has money reserved for special events with her children, alleviates the fear. For some tips on conflict resolution for divorcing couples, see http://www.mediate.com/articles/kaufmano1.cfm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Negotiating with Your Spouse: Skills and Tips

admin — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:00:12 +0000

One antidote for creating static, negative images of your spouse is to practice negotiating for what you want and need. If you are ready to look beyond your anger, then you can seek equitable solutions to your conflicts. To accomplish this, you must be ready to change the desired outcomes of your conflict. Roger Fisher and William Ury’s book, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Yes-Negotiating-Agreement-Without/dp/0140157352) teaches ways to negotiate win-win solutions to conflicts. They suggest that in order to create a mutual win-win position, “The first thing you are trying to win is a better way to negotiate.”

Negotiating rather than fighting becomes a winning proposition on several levels:

you develop skills that will serve you in this relationship and others after the legal process is over

you get what you want in a positive atmosphere with less likelihood of later retaliation

you want your spouse to feel he can get what he wants so that you do not push him towards an attorney interested in strong arm tactics.

The basic methods for are designed to create win-win outcomes based on mutual interests. The main tenets described include focusing on needs rather than positions. “I want to be an involved father with time spent each week with my children” is a need. “I want joint custody with equal time” is a position. You must be ready to look at both sides, using the art of paraphrasing and repeating what you have heard until both persons feel their “story” is understood. Problems must be described in neutral terms rather than in blaming language. “You are never on time to pick up the children on your day” is a blaming way of presenting the problem. An alternative way is: “On Tuesdays, I am supposed to leave for work just when you are due to pick up the children. When you are not on time, I am late for work and I get into trouble.” This definition of a problem has a greater chance of being solved because it engenders less defensiveness. For a terrific article on how to stop being defensive, see http://www.nonstopenglish.com/reading/articles/Get-Out-of-Jail-Free-Stop-Being-Defensive.asp.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Friend or Foe?

admin — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:00:04 +0000

The waiting period between serving your spouse with divorce papers (or being served) and the time you reach settlement or decide to go to trial, often feels like the longest leg of your journey. The newness of the divorce has worn off, and consequently the shock and denial have worn thin. The reality of a divorce seeps in like cold rain, oozing through the edges of your coat, until your whole body feels cold and achy.

Most people find this period to be the fundamental juncture, as the legal directions of your divorce are set, and with them, the emotional state of your ending marriage is tested to the hilt.

You may not be ready or interested in being friends with your spouse, but you also want to prevent him or her from becoming an opponent in the divorce, if at all possible.

Some of the emotional issues that lead people down the path toward conflict stem from how each person feels about how the divorce was set in motion. If you have moved toward ending your marriage with grace thus far, it will be easier to resolve legal issues than if you have not taken your partner’s feelings and needs into account. But even if you have, the confluence of angry and hurt feelings that are part and parcel of ending a long term relationship provide a huge stumbling block to achieving a supportive divorce.

For all these reasons, it is understandable to feel yourself pulled toward being exclusively negative in your opinion about your spouse. But there are ways to stop yourself from going down this slippery slope. List all your spouse’s best qualities, then list those you like least. Try to find at least one positive for every few negatives. If your partner is stubborn and self-righteous, she might also be tenacious in her ideas. This tenacity might benefit your children, in the form of unwavering loyalty.

Remember the reasons you married your spouse to begin with. Perhaps try some of the gratitude exercises listed at http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/maheu/?p=50. Make a gratitude adjustment as described at http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20060227-000004.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Am I Ready to Start the Emotional Divorce Process?

admin — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 12:00:36 +0000

Before you get started with your divorce proceedings, make sure you have your emotions in check. Being sure you are emotionally prepared will make a huge positive difference in how you experience your divorce itself, and also your life after the proceedings are finished. Check in with yourself and remind yourself of the following:

I know that my feelings will be complicated during this process, and I may be tempted to change my mind many times about decisions made.
I am ready to examine my feelings and to resolve them, not to let them negatively influence my decisions in my legal divorce.
I know that even in an amicable divorce, some conflict is inevitable, and I am committed to learning new ways to communicate with my spouse so that we are able to resolve the end of our marriage as peacefully as possible.
I am committed to cooperating with my spouse in resolving issues which affect both of us, and I need to be forthright about informing my spouse of my decisions and the rationales behind them.
I am emotionally ready to follow through on the legal requirements to obtain my divorce. If the divorce is not my choice, I am committed to accepting my spouse=s decision, and doing what is best for myself and my children legally and emotionally.

Come back to this checklist often throughout your divorce to help preserve your peace of mind.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Forks in the Road: Settlement or Conflict?

admin — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 12:00:28 +0000

Once the decision to divorce is made, you reach a fork in the road, where you need to make a series of choices about how you will proceed with your divorce. At each fork in the road, you choose your path: settlement or conflict. You can maintain a generous outlook toward your spouse, which fosters settlement, or you can respond to your more negative emotions, which fosters more conflict. In choosing conflict, you soon find yourself further down the road toward adversarial divorce than you intended. Once several choices have been made that foster conflict over settlement, it becomes increasingly difficult to extract yourself.

Choices that exacerbate conflict include: acting with distrust and dishonesty, being aggressive or stubborn when reasonable compromises are available, or making the process difficult in order to satisfy your anger, desire for punishment of your spouse, or your fears. When each conflict is held onto with tenacity, feelings of affection from the marriage are eroded and are replaced by resentment that smolders into fury. These feelings often stem from grief that goes unacknowledged, your own or your spouse’s. When grief is not worked through, it becomes a cantankerous emotional tumor, spreading its way through your heart and central nervous system. It hardens into bitterness. For a good article on compromise in divorce, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorce—Finding-Compromise&id=516461.

Divorce is rarely easy, and bitter feelings make it more arduous. Although few couples actually go to trial, many go a long way towards trial before finally settling. These cases are characterized by added length and cost to the divorce process.

If your priorities are clear, you are willing to compromise on most sticking points, you hired an attorney who is interested in settlement, and you are not hindered by emotional issues carried over from the marriage or the hurt of facing divorce, then you have an excellent chance of settling your disputes with minimum chaos to you and your family. Of course, you can not effect success alone. Both partners have to participate. Some great information on conflict and compromise is provided at http://www.divorceinfo.com/conflict.htm.

Many spouses feel that they are the ones doing the compromising to achieve resolution, while their spouse is blocking it. Yet their spouse tells the same story, only he/she is the one doing all the work! When perceptions are so disparate, neither person can be acting in the “perfect” way they believe. If your conflict is increasing rather than decreasing, take a hard look at what you might do differently. Most important, try understanding what’s happening inside of you that is contributing to communication breakdowns. Assess whether you are acting out your feelings instead of experiencing and managing them.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Solving Problems 101

admin — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 12:00:43 +0000

Once you have identified the source of conflict between you and your spouse, you can come up with possible solutions. Here are some steps to follow to help you reach a satisfying outcome.

Both people suggest possible solutions. Consider the pluses and minuses of each of the solutions that you would seriously consider together.“Perhaps we can decide the best solution depending on what the illness is…so that when he has a stomach virus, moving him doesn’t make sense. But when he has a headache, he can try going to your house.” This plan makes sense because it takes the child’s needs into account, but it leaves open the need for negotiating each time the problem arises.
Both agree to try one of the proposed solutions, and to discuss it again in a few days or weeks, to see if progress has been made.
Keep any agreements you made, and if it is not working for you, make changes through negotiation. Try to resist taking unilateral actions.

In addition, try these measures to change the dynamics of your arguments. Whenever a disagreement can be bypassed, let it go. If you are in the midst of a heated issue, such as how often one of you will spend evening time with the children, agree to explain what you want rather than what you have to get. Agree to take time apart and re-think your position when you hit a roadblock. Get second opinions from people you trust; perhaps you can even agree to talk to the same people so that you are less polarized by competing opinions. Most of all, focus your energy on the positives of your future: rebuilding your life: your new home, assets, career, and friendships rather than the arguments and failures of your past relationship.

For more good information on problem solving in families, see http://family.jrank.org/pages/1337/Problem-Solving-Problem-Solving-Process-in-Couples-Families.html. For an interesting article on power in marital struggles, see http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070705120756.htm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com