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Posts Tagged ‘Conflict Management’

Am I Ready to Start the Emotional Divorce Process?

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Before you get started with your divorce proceedings, make sure you have your emotions in check. Being sure you are emotionally prepared will make a huge positive difference in how you experience your divorce itself, and also your life after the proceedings are finished. Check in with yourself and remind yourself of the following:

I know that my feelings will be complicated during this process, and I may be tempted to change my mind many times about decisions made.
I am ready to examine my feelings and to resolve them, not to let them negatively influence my decisions in my legal divorce.
I know that even in an amicable divorce, some conflict is inevitable, and I am committed to learning new ways to communicate with my spouse so that we are able to resolve the end of our marriage as peacefully as possible.
I am committed to cooperating with my spouse in resolving issues which affect both of us, and I need to be forthright about informing my spouse of my decisions and the rationales behind them.
I am emotionally ready to follow through on the legal requirements to obtain my divorce. If the divorce is not my choice, I am committed to accepting my spouse=s decision, and doing what is best for myself and my children legally and emotionally.

Come back to this checklist often throughout your divorce to help preserve your peace of mind.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Personal Assessment
Posted in Emotions During Divorce, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Forks in the Road: Settlement or Conflict?

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Once the decision to divorce is made, you reach a fork in the road, where you need to make a series of choices about how you will proceed with your divorce. At each fork in the road, you choose your path: settlement or conflict. You can maintain a generous outlook toward your spouse, which fosters settlement, or you can respond to your more negative emotions, which fosters more conflict. In choosing conflict, you soon find yourself further down the road toward adversarial divorce than you intended. Once several choices have been made that foster conflict over settlement, it becomes increasingly difficult to extract yourself.

Choices that exacerbate conflict include: acting with distrust and dishonesty, being aggressive or stubborn when reasonable compromises are available, or making the process difficult in order to satisfy your anger, desire for punishment of your spouse, or your fears. When each conflict is held onto with tenacity, feelings of affection from the marriage are eroded and are replaced by resentment that smolders into fury. These feelings often stem from grief that goes unacknowledged, your own or your spouse’s. When grief is not worked through, it becomes a cantankerous emotional tumor, spreading its way through your heart and central nervous system. It hardens into bitterness. For a good article on compromise in divorce, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorce—Finding-Compromise&id=516461.

Divorce is rarely easy, and bitter feelings make it more arduous. Although few couples actually go to trial, many go a long way towards trial before finally settling. These cases are characterized by added length and cost to the divorce process.

If your priorities are clear, you are willing to compromise on most sticking points, you hired an attorney who is interested in settlement, and you are not hindered by emotional issues carried over from the marriage or the hurt of facing divorce, then you have an excellent chance of settling your disputes with minimum chaos to you and your family. Of course, you can not effect success alone. Both partners have to participate. Some great information on conflict and compromise is provided at http://www.divorceinfo.com/conflict.htm.

Many spouses feel that they are the ones doing the compromising to achieve resolution, while their spouse is blocking it. Yet their spouse tells the same story, only he/she is the one doing all the work! When perceptions are so disparate, neither person can be acting in the “perfect” way they believe. If your conflict is increasing rather than decreasing, take a hard look at what you might do differently. Most important, try understanding what’s happening inside of you that is contributing to communication breakdowns. Assess whether you are acting out your feelings instead of experiencing and managing them.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Creating Fair Settlements, Dealing with Anger, Lifestyle Changes
Posted in Creative Problem Solving | Comments Off

Solving Problems 101

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Once you have identified the source of conflict between you and your spouse, you can come up with possible solutions. Here are some steps to follow to help you reach a satisfying outcome.

Both people suggest possible solutions. Consider the pluses and minuses of each of the solutions that you would seriously consider together.“Perhaps we can decide the best solution depending on what the illness is…so that when he has a stomach virus, moving him doesn’t make sense. But when he has a headache, he can try going to your house.” This plan makes sense because it takes the child’s needs into account, but it leaves open the need for negotiating each time the problem arises.
Both agree to try one of the proposed solutions, and to discuss it again in a few days or weeks, to see if progress has been made.
Keep any agreements you made, and if it is not working for you, make changes through negotiation. Try to resist taking unilateral actions.

In addition, try these measures to change the dynamics of your arguments. Whenever a disagreement can be bypassed, let it go. If you are in the midst of a heated issue, such as how often one of you will spend evening time with the children, agree to explain what you want rather than what you have to get. Agree to take time apart and re-think your position when you hit a roadblock. Get second opinions from people you trust; perhaps you can even agree to talk to the same people so that you are less polarized by competing opinions. Most of all, focus your energy on the positives of your future: rebuilding your life: your new home, assets, career, and friendships rather than the arguments and failures of your past relationship.

For more good information on problem solving in families, see http://family.jrank.org/pages/1337/Problem-Solving-Problem-Solving-Process-in-Couples-Families.html. For an interesting article on power in marital struggles, see http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070705120756.htm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Mediated Divorce
Posted in Creative Problem Solving | Comments Off

Conflict Resolution 101

Friday, June 19th, 2009

Even when your spouse and you are communicating directly and calmly, sometimes you cannot agree on a solution to a problem. Perhaps you have listened carefully to how he feels about your keeping your son home when he is sick, but your spouse still wants you to send the child to his house during his regularly scheduled time. When the two of you disagree about a situation, here are some basic steps towards conflict resolution:

Both people agree on ground rules of the discussion (no interrupting, no put downs, no bringing up the past).
Agree on what the problem is, the source of the conflict. Identify what you agree and what you disagree about in your views of the problem. “You want to keep him home, and I think I should be the one to take care of him if he is sick and it is my time with him.”
The first person tells his/her side of the story be describing what “I think, feel, want.” Stay away from accusations about the other person (“You did.”). Typically, all such statements should begin with the word “I”. “I feel you are not thinking about what he needs to get well, and how he will want to be in his own bed.” “I feel that I’ll never get to do some of the nurturing that lets him know I can take care of him, and that he can be comfortable in his room at my house too.”
The second person restates what he/she has heard in terms of content and the feelings underlying it. “You are worried that he will not get well as quickly if he is at my house, and you want to make him as comfortable as possible.” “You want to take care of him too, and you feel that having both parents caring for him can be more important than where he is when he doesn’t feel well.”

Steps 1 and 2 are repeated, changing positions so that the second person tells his/her side of the story and the other person rephrases what’s been communicated. For more steps to conflict resolution, see http://www.problogger.net/archives/2006/09/15/10-steps-to-conflict-resolution/. For a good article on dealing with couples anger, see http://www.ext.colostate.edu/Pubs/consumer/10238.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Mediated Divorce
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Mediator’s Essentials

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

When you find yourself in a situation where tension is rising, remember these ways you can keep your argument at a controlled burn and stay productive.

Encourage…Can you tell me what you mean?
Clarify…When did I do that?
Restate…So you wish I was more willing to see your parents?
Empathize…You are very upset with me.
Summarize…This is what you’ve said so far.
Validate…I guess I do act helpless in front of the children, because I am hoping they’ll see how poorly you treat me. I can see how that would feel demeaning to you.
Affirm…I hear you saying that you feel I am inflexible about rescheduling last week’s visitation.

Acknowledge that you hear the other person and understand what they are saying. Disallowing or debating with your spouse about who really has the right to be angry usually heightens the intensity of anger rather than diminishes it. But don’t pretend to feel all right about something when you do not; don’t give in just for the sake of peace. This kind of behavior usually leads to a re-occurrence of anger and conflict. Watch for signs of stress. To understand more about the signs and symptoms of stress, see http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm.

Admit to your share of the problem and tell your spouse you recognize where and how you are part of the problem, emphasizing that you want to move to being part of the solution.

Stress the legitimate benefits of resolving this together. Be ready to compromise, but remember, compromise isn’t just a 50-50 proposition; even a 10% compromise can lead to positive change in your relationship. Brainstorm many possible solutions rather than insisting on one ultimatum. Once you agree to a solution or at least feel that you have said your piece and listened to each other, then renegotiate with each other. Plan together how similar situations will be dealt with in the future. Contract together to take certain actions that are different from how you normally behave with each other. Encourage each other to manage the stress of your divorce by putting together a plan for yourselves like the ones discussed at http://www.uhs.uga.edu/stress/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger
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Managing Anger

Monday, June 15th, 2009

Consider whether you can manage your anger without getting into an unproductive discussion with your spouse. If you are not getting along well, try to avoid only speaking when you are bringing up something you are unhappy about. When you really need to discuss something and you think there is a chance of improving the mood between the two of you, then continue to try and discuss issues calmly. For a host of information on fighting and conflict, see http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/fighting/fighting.html.

Know what you want to get out of the conversation. What do you want to have happen? Don’t just blow off steam. Express your anger directly about the way he treats you in front of the children, or the fact that you are angry about her affair. Be clear about whether you are looking for an apology, a change in behavior, or empathy for your position.

Prepare your argument. Know what you want to say and when you will say it. Keep your arguments private; try to keep the children and others around you from becoming uncomfortably aware of your problems. You do not need affirmation that you are right, nor do you need others to see what a jerk your spouse is being. These moments are about the two of you, and they will be resolved easier if they stay that way.

Practice the art of fighting fair. Talk about the problem, not the other person. Make this discussion focus on an issue, not a personality. Then practice being assertive and direct with each other. Be firm without provoking the other through sarcasm, raising your voice, angry body language (such as moping, rolling your eyes), or coming home an hour later than you said you would). Look at your spouse, speaking calmly and slowly, without wild hand gestures. Listen when your spouse is talking. Ask questions before you jump to conclusions. Repeat what your spouse just said in slightly different words and ask if you understood the whole message. State clearly what is bothering you, what you need and want. For an article on negotiation and fair fighting, see http://peaceful-parenting.suite101.com/article.cfm/negotiation_and_fair_fighting_for_families.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger
Posted in Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

Conflict as You Prepare to Divorce

Thursday, June 11th, 2009

Once you’ve decided to pursue a separation or divorce, conflicts are inevitable. Even if you mutually decided to end the marriage, communication is difficult. Learning how to handle this part of your changing relationship is an important step toward establishing a new, less stressful way of working together.

While you are initiating a divorce, or bracing yourself for a divorce that’s been initiated by your spouse, it is useful to keep arguments between your spouse and you to a minimum. While you sort out how to proceed legally, you also need to sort out the inevitable emotional conflicts that will arise between you. It is not easy to change the way you communicate, but learning to break out of old patterns (which clearly aren’t working) is part of adapting to your new independent life. Either you can learn to communicate productively, or continue fighting. Conflict will generally de-escalate if there is a decrease in expressed emotion and perceived threat over time. In other words, things will calm down if you stop treating every discussion like an argument waiting to happen, and even if it does, control your urge to argue. Replace fighting with negotiation and cooperation strategies. For some dos and don’ts for dealing with anger, see http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/dealing_anger.htm.

Be aware of your own anger. Do you clench your hands, grit your teeth, stand rigidly, cross your arms? Are you breathing with difficulty, feeling a tightness in your chest, face, or a headache coming on? Acknowledge your anger to yourself, and spend a little time trying to understand what set you off. Distinguish when you are just irritated or annoyed from when you are furious. For some fair fighting rules, see http://knappfamilycounseling.com/fighting.html.

Think before you enter into yet another cycle of endless arguing. Use self-calming strategies such as asking yourself whether you are making a mountain out of a molehill, or if this is an important argument to take on. Are you considering your spouse’s point of view? Think about all the indirect ways you express anger that lead to arguments: you may get aggressive and try to hurt your spouse’s feelings with words; you may get quiet and let your spouse know you are very unhappy. Being silent is an attempt to grab and control all the power.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management
Posted in Divorce Preparation | Comments Off

Mediation Basics

Monday, May 18th, 2009

If you are considering mediation as an option for your divorce, it may be helpful for you to know the very basics of what mediation consists of. If you choose to mediate your divorce, the mediator typically will contract for a certain number of sessions, or a specific time period. A fee will be determined and set, and usually billed by the hour. Both parties should be encouraged to speak with a lawyer so that they each understand the legal options available, and whether or not the mediation is proceeding in a way which is fair for him or for her. For a comparison of mediation and litigation, see http://www.peace-talks.com/compare.php.

Once the agreement, or partial agreement, is finalized, both parties are encouraged to have a lawyer review it, and formalize it for the court to review and approve. Be cautious about agreeing to a mediated settlement that is not examined by an attorney. Some mediators accept the parties’ decisions without informing them about potential unfairness to either party. Whether it is best to reach an uncontested settlement or to have an agreement that is beneficial to both parties in the long term is a matter of personal preference, but it is one that should be carefully considered to avoid regrets at a later date. For a host of information about divorce in general, see http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

An uncontested divorce date is set, both parties appear in court, the judge reviews and approves the agreement. If the judge does not approve the agreement, then it’s back to the mediator, or a review with an attorney, but typically mediated agreements are approved by the court without modifications.

In the past 20 years, more and more courts have set up alternative dispute resolution procedures. Family Relations Offices, Mediation Services, Judicial Pretrial Procedures, Conciliation Services, and special mediation programs exist throughout the country to help divorcing couples resolve their disputes outside of court. Oftentimes these programs are free of charge, or operate on a sliding scale, and may be an alternative to private mediation services.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Creating Fair Settlements, Mediated Divorce
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What is Mediation?

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Mediation is designed to help you and your spouse resolve issues without having to involve a court in your decision making process. It can save money, time, and hurt feelings. If you want to do your divorce without hiring a lawyer, you may especially want to consider mediation. In addition, many lawyers are “mediation friendly”, meaning that they will cooperate with your mediator and keep the court process to a bare minimum while you work through your issues in mediation.

Mediation is becoming increasingly popular as a method for resolving disputes concerning custody, asset division, and child support. In addition to saving money, time, and stress, it allows families to fashion their own court orders tailored to their unique circumstances. Because there are not court pressures to resolve the case within a specific amount of time, mediation sessions can be scheduled at your convenience. And, if you need more information about a specific topic, such as taxes or your children’s visitation needs, you can bring an accountant or psychologist into your mediation session. If you are trying to choose between mediation and getting an attorney, see http://www.peace-talks.com/proscons.php.

Research indicates that it is a cheaper, faster, and less adversarial way to approach the end of a marriage or a custody negotiation compared to court intervention. It also tends to result in fewer returns to court for modifications after divorce. Most parties report high satisfaction with the process, and despite myths to the contrary, it is not more advantageous for either women or men. Partners who opt for mediation tend to select joint legal custody more often than spouses who utilize the court system, partly because of how well the partners got along to begin with, partly because of a slight bias among mediators toward joint custody, and partly because mediation helps parents learn to communicate. Mediation can be handled in a variety of forums, with a variety of professionals assisting.

Basically, a trained mediator acts as an impartial third party and assists in reaching resolution on relevant issues in the divorce. The mediator serves as a master communicator, referee and problem solver, working to balance both parties’ interests and to assist them in reaching fair decisions. A mediation need not resolve every issue: you can choose to consult a mediator to resolve custody and visitation issues, but not asset division. Or, you could decide to mediate asset division, but not child support and alimony. Mediation at least helps narrow the focus of the problems and lets you resolve what you can prior to court intervention. Even if you are only partially successful in mediation, the process enables you to keep much of the divorce in your own hands. For a comparison of the cost of a mediated or litigated divorce, see http://www.peace-talks.com/compare.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Divorce Basics
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7 Keys to Resolving Family Conflicts

Friday, March 13th, 2009

Be hard on the problem, but easy on the people. “Mom’s healthcare is a tough set of decisions that need to be made. We’re smart people; we can figure this out.”
Listening is not the same thing as obeying. Meet people where they are, and hear out their concerns. They won’t consider changing their mind before they feel heard. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying, and then can I have a little time to think about it before I respond?”
Use “I” statements. “I would feel more comfortable if you left more space between the car in front of us and our car” is a request which is easy to honor.
Benefit of the doubt. Don’t take everything personally, because it probably isn’t really about you anyway. When someone is late for an appointment, are they really trying to hurt you, or are they doing it inadvertently because of something else that went wrong for them today?
No secrets. Have the awkward conversations before things get worse, not better. Little resentments build up over time—better to clear the air when it happens than to keep score.
Life is a dialogue. Conflict is inevitable. It’s how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. Keep the conversation going.
You can be right, or you can be happy. Choose your battles. Your happiness depends, at least in part, on how happy other family members are with you. It’s in your enlightened self interest to make sure that you’re making it easy to be nice to you.

Diana Mercer is the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Fireside 2001).

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger
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Posts Tagged ‘Conflict Management’

Am I Ready to Start the Emotional Divorce Process?

Forks in the Road: Settlement or Conflict?

Solving Problems 101

Conflict Resolution 101

Mediator’s Essentials

Managing Anger

Conflict as You Prepare to Divorce

Mediation Basics

What is Mediation?

7 Keys to Resolving Family Conflicts