Nothing is more frustrating than having your ex go all over town saying things about you that you know not to be true. Worse, they are often things that are the opposite of how you view yourself. Mike’s wife viewed every effort he made to be involved in his son’s life as controlling. So when he wanted to come to every tennis match, she told their son that he just wanted to use the games as a way to see her, and that he wanted the boy to win games for his own gratification. Mike was furious because he wound up fighting with his son every time he wanted to attend his matches. He wanted his boy to win, but that’s not why he loved being at the games. He felt that there was so little he could share day-to-day with Tommy, since he didn’t live with him anymore, and the games gave him something to talk about and a way to show his desire to be steadfast in the boy’s life. For an interesting discussion about spouses spreading rumors, click here.
People often get caught up in going to trial to prove that their spouse’s view of themselves is wrong. This is a losing proposition, because you can’t change someone’s mind just because you want to; that person has to want to be open to a new interpretation. Often he or she is not. The court process is not going to change anyone’s opinion either. People who reach trial often say the exact same things about each other, using words like controlling, nasty, and lying. Some people diagnose each other, giving their spouse psychological labels that they only partially understand: borderline, antisocial, sex addicted, or narcissistic. Often someone is accused of being controlling and intimidating, and the other spouse is labeled as inconsistent and emotionally unstable. You can easily see how these two personality styles could influence the other, bringing out the worst.
In research (Pruett, 1998), every couple interviewed that reported at least some conflict in their divorce said that their spouse used the legal system to get back at them in some way, while they never used the system to get back at their spouse. Usually there is some kernel of objective truth in how spouses describe each other. Maybe he is more forceful than her, or she does get weepy easily. But the extent to which the trait is ascribed is blown out of proportion, as much a product of the relationship as either person. For some tips for communicating with your spouse when things get negative, click here.
In any case, you cannot change someone’s negative view of you by fighting about it. You can only try and change that view by changing your own behavior. Refuse to engage at that level. Even so, understand that they may never see you the way you see yourself. It is important not to accept your spouse’s view of you, but to ask yourself if others see you similarly. Maybe even ask people close to you. Perhaps you can find the kernel of truth in your ex’s view, and use the divorce as an opportunity to better yourself in a way that will help you in your next relationship, with other people in general, or with your sense of self.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
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