In our society, couples with children generally develop complementary roles in which the fathers invest the bulk of their time in earning money for the family and the women take primary responsibility for childcare. Because women generally spend more time with their children on a daily basis than do men, they have more knowledge about the children’s daily routines, needs, and preferences. They are, in essence, gatekeepers to the children’s world. In a divorce, the gate swings closed more often than open in a defensive maneuver. The knowledge held by mothers gets clutched close to the breast, staving off further loss by hoarding it, sometimes lauding it over their spouse’s head. Click here for more on divorced mothers.  

Men complain about this turn of events because they find gaining access to their children too difficult. Mom tells the kids not to answer the phone when Dad calls. Or she forgets to inform him of small but proud moments in the child’s life which he might have attended, if he’d known about them enough in advance. They fear they will lose access to their children, as punishment for the time they spent providing the family income.

Billy railed at Stephanie for using every excuse she could think of to limit the time he spent with their 10 year old son and 8 and 6 year old daughters. She wouldn’t tell him about their schedules and habits, and then filed motions in court stating that he was a derelict, uncaring father. He was so frustrated he was thinking about filing for sole custody to protect himself, although his lawyer told him he didn’t stand a chance. 

Stephanie does not think it is her job to tell Billy things he “should know by now.” She always covered for him in the marriage, but she is now free of that responsibility. She doesn’t mean to exclude him, but there is so much happening it is hard enough to keep track. She is sure that the children are not his priority by what he does not know about them, and what he misses.

These two parents each think they are doing their part to protect the children and provide for their needs. Indeed they are doing what they know, and what they have always done best. But once there is a divorce, the old rules no longer pertain. It requires more work on both parts to equalize roles, information, and the chance to share child care. Sometimes mothers are controlling their children in order to wield power over their spouse, who has more power in the financial realm. Other times, it is just a perception based on differing roles within the family, and a real desire to structure the children’s hectic lives in the face of divorce chaos, while protecting them from further hurt. If you or your spouse are gate keeping, work with a competent mediator or couples’ therapist to help you realign power and communication in the relationship without assigning blame. Click here for another terrific article.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.