Archive for the ‘Self Esteem’ Category

More on Restraining Orders

Wednesday, January 12th, 2011

An extremely small number of people, however, completely disregard the court orders. Intent on causing harm, they are undeterred by the possible punishments of violating the orders. These people are extremely dangerous. Thankfully, they are also extremely rare, but you must be prepared for the possibility that the person from whom you need protection will not be stopped by a court order to stay away from you. You must take reasonable precautions to protect yourself. If you believe that the person against whom you seek protection might violate the restraining order and place you in physical danger, you must utilize self-defense techniques and common sense to protect yourself. Contact your local Domestic Violence agency or coalition for information on how to obtain an advocate to walk you through the steps needed to ensure your safety and negotiate the legal system. Click here for more information.  

Some important ways you can protect yourself:

  • keep a certified copy of your order with you at all times
  • change your burglar alarm code
  • change the locks on your home
  • carry pepper spray or Mace (if legal in your state)
  • never walk to your car alone
  • never walk anywhere in the dark alone
  • check the interior of your car with a flashlight or natural light before getting in
  • alert your neighbors and local police of the situation
  • find safe shelter, such as an abused women’s shelter, if you still feel in danger
  • call the police every time the order is violated, no matter how small the violation.

Click here for more information.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc

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Both Men and Women Can Qualify for Restraining Orders

Monday, January 10th, 2011

Men need to think about restraining orders as well.  In these days of readily available handguns and other weapons, any physical threat must be taken seriously.  Is your wife calling you repeatedly day and night?  Is she calling you ten times a day at your work place? Michael’s wife could not bear the issue of being separated from her husband.  Her sense of loss and fear for the future caused her to become extremely anxious and hysterical. Since she was convinced he was seeing another woman, she would call him at 2, 3, 4 o’clock in the morning just to see if another woman would answer the telephone. “I’ll kill her and you!” she’d scream into the phone. During the course of the day she would call him at his office, screaming abusive remarks to his secretary and also to him.  Michael’s boss, finding him distracted from his work, spoke to Michael about the need to control his wife.  Michael spoke to his lawyer about this, a restraining order was issued and the harassment stopped. Click here to visit the restraining order help center.

Legal Remedies Have Limited Shielding Power Restraining orders are pieces of paper.  They are not shields.  They work only when the person against whom they’re issued will abide by the orders.  For some individuals, the threat of legal action and even criminal penalties are not enough to keep them away from you. Take the physical precautions you feel are necessary to protect yourself.  Get an unlisted telephone number; do not tell your batterer your address. Install outside security lighting; install an alarm system; change the alarm code.  File a copy of the restraining order with your children’s school.

 What the Orders Can and Cannot Do For You

Court orders are useful for self-protection in cases in which the person against whom the order is issued will abide by the order, or who will violate the order in such a way as to permit police intervention.  The orders provide legal protection, which means that a police officer can enforce the orders and impose criminal and civil penalties (like jail time and fines) to anyone who violates the orders.

The vast majority of people against whom restraining orders are issued abide by them. A few people feel the need to test the orders by violating them in some small way, such as parking in front of your house or calling on the phone, and a quick call to the police allows law enforcement officers to enforce the order. Click here for more information.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc

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How do I Enforce the Orders with my Spouse?

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

Once you have your restraining order it is very important that you adhere to the guidelines of that order.  Regardless of whether your partner is abiding by the restraining order, you must. For instance, if you see your husband or wife in the parking lot, supermarket, department store, simply turn around and walk away. You can always go back another time to do your shopping. Click here for an article on enforcing protection orders.

Seeing your partner during the times when the restraining order is active can be a highly emotional experience. You may experience a rush of feeling when you see or hear from your spouse. Such feelings can evoke deep seated anger and resentment for what the person is putting you through, and it is not unusual to initiate a verbal altercation or argument with your partner. Or, the sense of loss may well up again, and you may feel as if you want to hold onto your partner even if just for a moment. Despite these feelings, once you have obtained your restraining order, you must abide by it.  Going to counseling with the person who has abused you or threatened to abuse you is permissible, but permitting that person to come to your house or meet you even in a public place may compromise your safety. If the order says that the person is to have no contact with you, you should have no contact with that person either. If, in a moment of weakness, you invite your spouse to meet with you at your home, and he becomes violent, the police may not show up fast enough to remove him before you are harmed. That could be true especially if the police have heard from you before after you have invited him in, and you are not taken seriously.

Juliet obtained a restraining order after her husband hit her, yet despite the order he was following her in the car, and calling her on the telephone at all hours of the day and night. A sense of sadness and loss regarding the marriage compelled her to meet with him for coffee. On the telephone her husband was sweet and considerate. During one of these coffee dates an argument started. Juliet asked the manager to call the police. When they arrived they determined that they would send Juliet and her husband on their way without making an arrest; after all, Juliet had agreed to meet her husband voluntarily.  Juliet’s husband continued to call her and harass her and she tried to have her husband arrested in violation of the restraining order.  Because of her previous agreement to meet him, however, her husband had sufficient evidence that she was a willing and complying partner in their meetings, and the restraining order was not extended by the court. This left Juliet in an extremely vulnerable position regarding her physical well being. Click here for additional resources.

 Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc

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If You are at Risk for Violence

Monday, December 27th, 2010

Make a safety plan. Have ready to go:

  • an address book with important names and numbers: doctors, school personnel, teachers, police, domestic violence hot line, shelters, and trustworthy friends and relatives
  • documents: driver’s license, insurance information, car registration, copy of house deed, passport/green card/work permits, social security card, birth certificate
  • household information: mortgage book, unpaid bills, debt information, insurance papers
  • copy of any restraining orders already in effect
  • money and credit cards
  • medications
  • children’s favorite personal possessions, such as blankets, stuffed animals, bottles
  • change of clothing for each member who might flee with you

 If you are planning an escape, call a lawyer who is experienced with the special risks and needs in domestic violence situations before you do anything else. If there is no time, call after you have left your home. Do not allow a confrontation, just leave without notice and get to a safe place. Click here for information on creating a domestic abuse safety plan. 

What Constitutes an Abusive Relationship as Far as the Court is Concerned?

 For legal purposes, various types of abuse are categorized as either:

  • verbal abuse which does not present a threat of actual danger, i.e., “You’re stupid, lazy and irresponsible and I hate you”
  • verbal abuse which may constitute a present threat of physical danger, i.e., “I’m going to get a gun and shoot you” or “I’m going to burn down the house”
  • verbal abuse which may constitute a threat to commit a crime, i.e., “I’m going to take the children and move to another country and you’ll never find me”
  • verbal abuse coupled with a history of physical abuse, i.e., “I’m going to give it to you just like last time” or other innuendos which refer to previous physical instances
  • restraining you from leaving without actually physically touching you, i.e., blockading you into a room or the house
  • violent behavior which takes place in your presence but which doesn’t hurt you, i.e., throwing a heavy object in your direction which isn’t intended to hit you and which doesn’t hit you, or putting a fist through a wall; intent to intimidate is present
  • sexual assault, i.e. any unwanted physical sexual touching or fondling
  • physical abuse, i.e, slapping, punching, tripping, shoving or any other unwanted or menacing physical touching which happens at least once. It need not cause a bruise or injury.

Once you are able to categorize the type of abuse which you are receiving, you can then decide when and if to bring it up to the court. Click here for a website dedicated to safety from domestic abuse.

 Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.  

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

Other adults can be resources for both you and your children. As soon as the separation occurs, it is important that you inform your children’s teachers so that they may be prepared for any change in behavior that may occur.  Have the teachers keep an eye on your children.  Inform your children’s friends’ parents, as well, so they can keep in mind that your children will be undergoing many changes and stressors. They can be an extra pair of ears, eyes, and a sympathetic presence. You may also want to inquire about possible support groups at your children’s school for children with divorcing parents.  These groups tend not to carry a social stigma anymore, and are helpful in creating a place for children to share their experiences with other children who have recently undergone a similar change. Sharing stories, thoughts, and feelings can be invaluable to the process that you and your children will undergo. Self-help groups for children and parents are proven effective for creating a sense of community during a lonely and stressful time for people who desire support, but don’t need or want therapy. Click here for an article on creating joy in kids.  

Will My Children Be Okay in a Divorced Family?

Parents often ask the question “will my children be disadvantaged being raised in a divorced family?”  One of the benefits of a divorced family is that your children are no longer exposed to the tension and conflict that marked their experience of living with both parents.  Children’s responses to their new status is often dependent upon how the parents view their new status.  If you as parent have a positive view of the future, this will significantly help your children adjust to and accept the new situation.  Your children will have an early introduction to the emotional effects of loss and separation. This can cause long lasting pain and insecurity. However, it also can be a valuable learning experience that will help them build resilience to life transitions and hardships. Children in divorced families have the opportunity to learn that relationships change, that their parents also change over time.  Your experience may also show your children that they need not accept a circumstance in which they are unhappy, abused, or feel empty, that they can effect change in their lives for the better. Click here for more tips on helping children with divorce.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Take Care of Yourself

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Once you have begun your divorce, the work of rebuilding your life has just begun.  You will need to establish a consistent routine for yourself and your children that fits into your newly separated life. You will find this a demanding and disorganized time. The legal process in itself greatly adds to the stress. You have meetings to go to, paperwork to do, monetary matters to track, lawyers to meet with and to pay, and unless the divorce process is very amicable, all this happens against a backdrop of great uncertainty about the results of the process. Click here for nine tips for taking care of yourself after divorce.  

Allow yourself to have some time each day or week, even if it is brief, which is time simply for you.  You need to be aware of your own stress level, and be able to pause when you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted.  You may find that the household routine will require that you ask the children to do extra chores and tasks.  You may need to ask neighbors, friends and family to help you at the commencement of your new lifestyle.

The single parent who is also employed or without previous social supports may find that the demands placed on him or her are overwhelming.  Single parenting, like becoming a parent for the first time, is exhausting because you have so much to do, all of which needs to be done immediately. There is no one to give you a break, to take over when you are tired, or to give you support in dealing with the discipline or management of the children.

Yet with a sense of relief over having crossed the initial hurdles of separation and initiation of divorce proceedings, you may for the first time be able to organize and situate your life in a happier and healthier manner.  The fact that you are solely in charge of running your home will enable you to establish what you want your home to be like and to feel like.  Parents who are prepared to take risks, and try new behavior, will provide their children with a good example of positive coping with change and adversity. This will be a great advantage to your children as they develop. Click here for another terrific article.  

Your children need to continue on with their own interests, friendships, and developmental growth spurts. They can do this easier and with less worry if they see you doing the same things for your own life.  It is very important that they see you taking time to re-discover yourself.  Besides, your children will not always need you in the same ways.  When you have a full and active life that supports their growth, you will have an easier time letting go of them when it is appropriate to do so.

How do you stay consistent and on top of their needs while working on your own day-to-day existence? You keep them at the center of your life but you build many concentric circles of support and interest beyond just them. In this way, divorced parenting is not different from parenting in two parent families. You just have to work harder at it because there is not someone else reminding you to have a life. Allow yourself to be interesting and to have new hobbies. Be a person who tries new behaviors, re-examines her opinions, make mistakes.  Your children will respect you and the fact that you are establishing a new more flexible and healthy family unit.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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