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Setting Clear Boundaries

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Oftentimes, your situation does not meet the level of serious violence where you have to flee, but you are subject to ongoing intimidation. This is also a form of violence or battering. Understand that when you are being victimized, your children are at risk for being hurt too. Furthermore, you are teaching them about your expectations for relationships, a kind of learning that they may carry with them throughout their life and repeat when it is their turn to become involved in intimate relations. Set standards for how you will allow yourself and your children to be treated. Click here for a terrific article on boundary setting.

Indications that your partner has gone too far include: getting angry at you when you disagree; punching holes in walls; throwing objects (aimed at nothing or at you); destroying belongings; threatening to hurt you or leave you for the purpose of creating fear in you; physically restraining you from leaving home; putting pressure on you not to work when you want to; insulting or ridiculing you; becoming jealous of your friends, activities, or hobbies; making you account for your whereabouts at all times; using promises and lies to manipulate you or to get you to forgive an angry behavior; isolating you from friends or family; making you ask permission to go out or make a career move; threatening your possessions, pets, or children’s safety.

Do not allow behaviors that feel uncomfortable, frightening, or intimidating to become acceptable to you or your children. These behaviors are forms of abuse even if you do not fear for your safety. Make it clear to your spouse that he can no longer seek to control your life or your actions. If you do fear for your safety, you will need to take additional steps to stay safe. Click here for another terrific article.

When Your Children Are Involved and Affected

Children can be affected from parental violence in several ways. They can be injured during an incident between their parents; they can be traumatized by fear for their mother and their own sense of helplessness in protecting her; they can blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it; they can be directly abused themselves; and they can be neglected by parents who cannot care for them properly due to the violence in their relationship. Studies show that parents underestimate how often and to what extent children are witnesses to parental violence. Both mothers and fathers report that children are witnesses less than the children report when given the opportunity to respond for themselves.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Protecting Children, Setting Boundaries
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans, Self Care | Comments Off

Patterns of Abusive Relationships

Monday, December 13th, 2010

Abusive relationships tend to follow a cyclical pattern that recurs throughout the relationship. Many times some of the warning signs were present early in the relationship, but they seemed muted. Other times behavior prior to marriage is controlling and demanding, but never reaches a violent stage until after the marriage or a child is born.

The cycle has three fairly predictable steps:

A period of building tensions in which small incidents become more frequent, and the batterer expresses irritation and frustration with his partner’s appearance, behavior, or imagined relationships with other persons.
Next an acute incident causes an explosion. The batterer “blows” like a pressure-filled chimney, shooting anger and venom at the spouse. The incident usually results in actual violence or threats that are serious and barely related to the incident, and the intensity of the reaction is far out of proportion to the incident itself.
Next follows a period of loving contrition, where the batterer apologizes and tries to woo back the affections of his victim. This is where most women are vulnerable, as they willingly believe promises that such behavior will not be repeated. Then the cycle starts all over again. Click here for more information.

There is another pattern to the violence. It is an intergenerational transmission of the battering behavior and the attitudes that underlie it. Women who were abused as children, physically or sexually, are more likely to become battered wives as adults. Similarly, a risk factor for becoming a batterer is witnessing your parents’ violence as a child. Studies compiled by the National Organization for Men Against Sexism show that boys who witnessed their father beat their mother were three times more likely to beat their own wives. However, it is important to note that many abusers do not have a history of witnessing domestic violence, and many who did witness such violence do not themselves become batterers.

The causes of domestic violence are not yet completely understood. However, many factors contribute to its inception. Domestic violence, and other types of violent behavior, have been linked to neurological impairments, such as head injuries. Violence between spouses is also associated with binge drinking and with the onset of early alcoholism. The most clear correlate with battering, as noted above, is being abused as a child or witnessing violence. For a host of additional information, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Patterns of Abuse, Physical Abuse
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Self Care | Comments Off

Domestic Violence and Abuse

Thursday, December 9th, 2010

When verbal or physical violence has been a part of your marriage, or is likely to be a troubling part of the picture during divorce, our recommendations change radically. This book is about collaborating and cooperating first and foremost, putting your children’s needs before your own, sometimes at what seems to be an initial cost to yourself. We believe that a cooperative, constructive strategy is a long-term strategy which will serve you and your family better over the years, although it will mean making some sacrifices initially. This advice changes when violence enters the family equation.

Violence of every form changes the landscape upon which we gaze. Safety and security establish the foreground, and cooperation fades into a distant point of focus. Or, put another way, you need to join a guided trip and forget the self-guided tour. There is too much opportunity for getting lost and getting hurt.

Definitions of Violence

There is no one definition of what constitutes physical or verbal abuse. We refer to physical abuse as hitting, slapping, grabbing, pushing, biting, kicking or any more severe form of physical touch or restraint which is likely to invoke fear and/or cause injury. Verbal abuse consists of verbal assaults about one’s character (name calling), threats to harm the spouse or children, and threats made with the intent to coerce or scare – including threats of homicide. Abuse may also take the form of imposing control such as enforcing isolation, forbidding someone to leave the house, locking someone in a room, or other degrading behaviors in public or private. It may also encompass stalking and harassment. Persons who make such verbal or physical assaults on their partners are referred to by the legal system as batterers, and their behavior is frequently referred to as domestic violence. Click here for some basic definitions of violence in relationships.

Although both men and women can be batterers in relationships, women are at greater risk for serious injury, due in part to their smaller size and less muscular physique. Women are the victims in 95% of known cases, while men are abused by their spouses in 5% of reported cases. However, new research suggests that men may be victims far more often than previously known. Therefore, we will address this section to women victims, but the facts and advice stated herein will be useful to men who are concerned about their own safety at the hands of their wives.

Divorce represents a crisis point for abused women. Through divorce, they have an opportunity to leave the abuse, and to make a new life. They are also at serious risk for the act of leaving in and of itself. National statistics indicate that 40% of all women murdered are killed by a spouse or boyfriend. Many of these women are killed in their own homes. Women are most seriously at risk soon after they leave their husbands, or announce that they are leaving. The potential for violence is also high during custody disputes. Disputed custody contests exacerbate violence among persons prone to angry, abusive responses. When the control that is part of an abusive relationship is threatened, would-be batterers up the ante to regain it. Click here for a website devoted to domestic violence.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Self Care | Comments Off

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part. In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children as Pawns, Children Turning Against You, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Self Care, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

What if My Child is in Danger?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

If you believe that your child is in imminent danger from the visits, you need to report this to the proper authorities immediately. Take your child to his or her pediatrician for a full checkup, and let the doctor know what you suspect. You also need to request that the court issue a restraining order for your children to protect them from the abuser. Stop allowing your child to visit under these circumstances, even though you may be facing court sanctions for doing so. Your primary goal is to protect your children, and if you are certain that the visitation is physically harming them, you need to stop the visits. For information on restraining orders, click here.

Once the court is aware of the situation (which it will be, because of the restraining order) the judge can set the matter for a hearing so that you can present all of your evidence against visitation, and the court can modify the existing orders so that your children will be safe.

In other less exigent circumstances, your choices and plan of action are less clear. Sometimes problems happen during visitation, but it’s impossible for you to tell if the situation warrants filing a Motion for Modification of Visitation in court. You can file such a motion at any time; the problem is deciding when it would be appropriate to do so. Don’t file a motion which you cannot back up with proof. If you want visitation changed and can’t work it out between yourselves, you need to have solid reasons and evidence for asking for the change. Lots of children have a tough time adjusting to transitions, especially early in their parents’ divorce and separation. But how will you know when it’s appropriate to file for a modification of the court’s orders? For an article on modification of visitation, click here.

If you think, but you don’t know, that the visits are harming the children, then you need the assistance of a third party in order to determine how best to proceed. Have your children speak with a therapist or a school counselor if you think that something inappropriate may be going on, but are not in a position to prove it. Once they’ve spoken to a therapist or counselor, that person can let you know whether or not you need to intervene to change the way that the place, without violating your child’s confidentiality. If the reasons are less serious, and the harm to your child is questionable or less serious, use a third party to determine what is a phase, what can be corrected with minimal adjustments to schedule or types of visits, and what needs to be borne out over time. Examine your own behavior and make sure you are not giving your child messages that you need him or her to stay with you, for company, support, or to punish the other parent. This is an unfair burden to place on your child.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children in Danger, Domestic Violence Toward Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Acrimony, Conflict Management, Self Care, children of divorce | Comments Off

Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

Other adults can be resources for both you and your children. As soon as the separation occurs, it is important that you inform your children’s teachers so that they may be prepared for any change in behavior that may occur. Have the teachers keep an eye on your children. Inform your children’s friends’ parents, as well, so they can keep in mind that your children will be undergoing many changes and stressors. They can be an extra pair of ears, eyes, and a sympathetic presence. You may also want to inquire about possible support groups at your children’s school for children with divorcing parents. These groups tend not to carry a social stigma anymore, and are helpful in creating a place for children to share their experiences with other children who have recently undergone a similar change. Sharing stories, thoughts, and feelings can be invaluable to the process that you and your children will undergo. Self-help groups for children and parents are proven effective for creating a sense of community during a lonely and stressful time for people who desire support, but don’t need or want therapy. Click here for an article on creating joy in kids.

Will My Children Be Okay in a Divorced Family?

Parents often ask the question “will my children be disadvantaged being raised in a divorced family?” One of the benefits of a divorced family is that your children are no longer exposed to the tension and conflict that marked their experience of living with both parents. Children’s responses to their new status is often dependent upon how the parents view their new status. If you as parent have a positive view of the future, this will significantly help your children adjust to and accept the new situation. Your children will have an early introduction to the emotional effects of loss and separation. This can cause long lasting pain and insecurity. However, it also can be a valuable learning experience that will help them build resilience to life transitions and hardships. Children in divorced families have the opportunity to learn that relationships change, that their parents also change over time. Your experience may also show your children that they need not accept a circumstance in which they are unhappy, abused, or feel empty, that they can effect change in their lives for the better. Click here for more tips on helping children with divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Moving On, Staying Positive, Support Group
Posted in Emotions During Divorce, Life After Divorce, Self Care, Self Esteem | Comments Off

Take Care of Yourself

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Once you have begun your divorce, the work of rebuilding your life has just begun. You will need to establish a consistent routine for yourself and your children that fits into your newly separated life. You will find this a demanding and disorganized time. The legal process in itself greatly adds to the stress. You have meetings to go to, paperwork to do, monetary matters to track, lawyers to meet with and to pay, and unless the divorce process is very amicable, all this happens against a backdrop of great uncertainty about the results of the process. Click here for nine tips for taking care of yourself after divorce.

Allow yourself to have some time each day or week, even if it is brief, which is time simply for you. You need to be aware of your own stress level, and be able to pause when you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. You may find that the household routine will require that you ask the children to do extra chores and tasks. You may need to ask neighbors, friends and family to help you at the commencement of your new lifestyle.

The single parent who is also employed or without previous social supports may find that the demands placed on him or her are overwhelming. Single parenting, like becoming a parent for the first time, is exhausting because you have so much to do, all of which needs to be done immediately. There is no one to give you a break, to take over when you are tired, or to give you support in dealing with the discipline or management of the children.

Yet with a sense of relief over having crossed the initial hurdles of separation and initiation of divorce proceedings, you may for the first time be able to organize and situate your life in a happier and healthier manner. The fact that you are solely in charge of running your home will enable you to establish what you want your home to be like and to feel like. Parents who are prepared to take risks, and try new behavior, will provide their children with a good example of positive coping with change and adversity. This will be a great advantage to your children as they develop. Click here for another terrific article.

Your children need to continue on with their own interests, friendships, and developmental growth spurts. They can do this easier and with less worry if they see you doing the same things for your own life. It is very important that they see you taking time to re-discover yourself. Besides, your children will not always need you in the same ways. When you have a full and active life that supports their growth, you will have an easier time letting go of them when it is appropriate to do so.

How do you stay consistent and on top of their needs while working on your own day-to-day existence? You keep them at the center of your life but you build many concentric circles of support and interest beyond just them. In this way, divorced parenting is not different from parenting in two parent families. You just have to work harder at it because there is not someone else reminding you to have a life. Allow yourself to be interesting and to have new hobbies. Be a person who tries new behaviors, re-examines her opinions, make mistakes. Your children will respect you and the fact that you are establishing a new more flexible and healthy family unit.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Creating a Support System, Dealing with Anger, Self Care, Self Soothing
Posted in Emotions During Divorce, Moving On, Self Care, Self Esteem | Comments Off

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Archive for the ‘Self Care’ Category

Setting Clear Boundaries

Patterns of Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence and Abuse

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

What if My Child is in Danger?

Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

Take Care of Yourself