Judges and courts aside, assignment of fault is a motivating factor in the reason spouses seek a divorce. Whether its an affair, lack of respect, domestic violence, falling out of love, or more subtle issues, “fault” is an issue in almost every decision to divorce. These feelings of “I didn’t break up the marriage, he/she did” are almost universal and often the motivation behind destructive behavior during the legal process.

Many clients feel that they must explain the reasons they want a divorce to their spouse, and this explanation includes a list of past sins. Confessing mistakes and shortcomings often makes people feel better (e.g., less guilty), and it can help them forgive themselves for their perceived failures in the marriage. This confession temptation bites early, but can continue throughout the case. By and large, the most popular sin confession is an affair.

Although admitting an affair may help you to feel less guilt, beware that it may be used against you in your divorce. It can be considered by most courts in dividing assets and determining spousal maintenance. Worse, it can add fuel to your spouse’s already burning fire of hurt, rage, and revenge. Discussing an affair with your spouse can have many beneficial psychological outcomes, but your motivations and timing should be considered carefully.

If you’re involved in an affair or other intimate-type relationship when you decide to divorce, put the relationship on hold until your case is finished. If the person with whom you’re involved cares about you, he or she can wait until your divorce is finalized to continue your relationship. It is not worth having an illicit relationship become part of your case. The court process also can put undue pressure on a relationship that might feel healthier and serve you better if timed appropriately. For another good article on how “fault” can impact the division of marital assets, see http://www.divorcenet.com/states/rhode_island/no_fault_divorce_in_ri. Terrific information on Equitable Distribution and Community Property Laws is also provided at   

https://ritdml.rit.edu/dspace/bitstream/1850/927/4/Chapter-17.pdf.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Even in “no fault” divorce states, fault is one of the factors which the court may consider in dividing assets. That said, most courts will divide assets and property evenly between the parties unless there is some overriding reason why a 50/50 division would not be appropriate. Generally the division will not vary by more than 10% based on reasons why the marriage broke down, or punishment for the spouse who caused the marriage to break down. The judge is concerned with dividing your assets according to the law, and in a way that’s fair to each of you. He or she is unlikely to be overly concerned about hurtful words, or even affairs, because such  circumstances connote many marriages that fail. An experienced judge has heard innumerable tragic stories. Only an unusual or dramatic scenario captures the attention of most judges, a scenario that goes beyond an office affair or devastating argument.

The relative disinterest by the court in fault has changed drastically in the past 20 years. Previously, one of the main reasons for an unequal property division was fault. The reason that the marriage broke down was attributed to one party and the punishment for that was a lesser share of the marital property awarded that spouse. That scenario becomes less common over time.

By focusing on fault issues, you can lose your path toward your ultimate goal in the case. Trials and court procedures are not designed for vindication, revenge, or clearing ones name. They’re designed to divide assets fairly between two spouses, taking into account your individual circumstances. As unfair as it seems, fault rarely constitutes a reason in the court’s eyes for dividing assets unevenly. Accepting this now will save you much heartache later, as well as time and money. For more information on the financial aspects of divorce, see http://www.peace-talks.com/finformation.php. Also visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.