Archive for the ‘Moving On’ Category

Operating as a Family after the Trial

Monday, October 4th, 2010

After the trial, after listening to all of that testimony, win or lose, you have to continue to operate as a family. You will have to attend your children’s Bar Mitzvahs, First Communions, school plays, soccer games, and even their weddings….a whole lifetime of activities in which your children need both you and your spouse to participate.  Maintaining a civil relationship will be very difficult after a contested custody trial. Click here for some advice from Dr. Phil.

In order to consider what you need a trial, you can visit the court and ask the clerk where and when any custody trials will be held.  Most cases are open to the public, and you can sit in and watch the proceedings.

Assuming you’ve considered the costs to your children and yourself, examined your own motivations, and still decided it’s best to proceed with a contested custody case, you have a great deal of planning and work to do to assist your chances of success.  That planning requires understanding exactly what a contested custody case entails.

Telling Your Children About Why You Are Involved in a Court Battle

You should explain to your child that Mom (or Dad) and you have become very angry at each other, and that you are no longer able to make decisions together right now. The one thing you agree on is that you both want very much to have the child in your life as much as possible from day to day. You know the child can’t be in two places at once, so you are asking the judge to help you make a plan. The court will make the decisions, and Mom and Dad have agreed to abide by them. If the situation includes a mental illness, you might wish to add, if your child is capable of understanding, that Mom/Dad is not well (describe the type of illness) and is not able to make good decisions right now. You have asked the court to help you because the court is neutral and will help find the least detrimental situation for your child.  Reassure your child that the decision is not in his or her hands. Click here for another terrific article.   

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Physical Custody

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Physical custody describes where the child physically lives. Most children live primarily with one parent (called sole physical custody), spending a specified amount of time with the other parent (called either visitation or parenting access).When children spend fairly equal amounts of time with both parents, the court refers to this type of living arrangement as Joint Physical Custody.

Joint physical custody

Joint physical custody takes various forms. Some children spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other parent; others spend 3 nights one week with one parent, and four nights the next week. Various other permutations are also used (discussed later in this chapter), and as long as the children spend nearly equal time with each parent, the specific arrangement is not germane to the title. In this arrangement, children often think of themselves as having two homes. Click here for an article on joint physical custody.  

Compared to joint legal custody, joint physical custody is a relatively rare event, with national estimates ranging from about 10-20% of divorced families. It is also a difficult arrangement to maintain; studies show that many families who begin in dual residence arrangements move to more traditional schedules over time. This is due to the difficulty of maintaining such arrangements, as they require cooperation, organization, and flexibility. This scenario typically works best when the parents live near each other and transportation to and from school and extracurricular activities is easily resolved, logistically speaking. It also works best when parents are able to communicate and cooperate with each other about scheduling matters, and the child’s temperament is organized and relaxed when faced with multiple transitions. The pluses and minuses of such arrangements are discussed below.

Split custody arrangements: separating siblings

Generally courts will avoid separating siblings and placing them in different households.  Under some circumstances, siblings are split up. This is a practice better off avoided if possible, but there are certainly circumstances in which it makes sense. For an article on split custody, click here.  

For example, if one child has special needs and the other child taunts or torments that child, or if the children have unique educational needs that are best met in different districts, split custody may be the preferred option. In some cases, a female child is very identified with Mother and a male child with Father to such an extent that they request living apart to stay with the parent with whom they have sided. If your children are old enough to know what they want, and the situation makes sense given all other circumstances, consideration could be given to this option.

However, the children should not be divided for the sake of parental compromise. No matter how siblings do or don’t get along, childhood bonds between siblings are most likely to form in enduring ways when the children grow up together. This aspect of the children’s development should not be sacrificed for the parents’ wishes. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

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Joint Legal Custody

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

Joint legal custody is a label which was popularized  in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s as a way to give both parents an equal opportunity to continue to be involved in decision making about their children’s lives.  One motivation behind the term was the belief that if the non-custodial parent remained involved in decision making processes related to the child, that parent would be more likely to pay child support over time. Also, a growing fathers’ movement spoke out about men’s interests in continuing to have authority and a stake in their child’s life through involvement in decisions about their upbringing. For more information on joint legal custody, click here.  

Joint legal custody grants both parents equal power in making major decisions concerning the children’s welfare. Typically, these are the health, education, and religious upbringing issues described above.  The more day-to-day decisions about the children are usually made by the parent with whom the children live most of their time.

Joint legal custody works best when parents are able to cooperate with each other about decisions regarding their children.  Parents who fight and use every opportunity to disagree about the decisions which affect the children may be viewed as poor candidates for joint legal custody, although most states have statutes either allowing or encouraging joint legal custody unless the conflict is at such a high level that the parents are incapable of any joint decision making.

The types of situations in which joint legal custody might not be appropriate are the following: one parent is incarcerated, one parent lives very far away from the other, one parent abuses drugs and alcohol to the extent that it impairs his or her judgment, there is a history of violence between the parties and any unnecessary contact should be eliminated, or one parent suffers from a psychiatric illness which makes it impossible for that parent to use good judgment pertaining to the child’s welfare.

For parents who are able to put their own differences behind them and work together for the benefit of their children, joint legal custody is a preferred outcome. Ideally, parents cooperate in making decisions, and they negotiate and compromise when they disagree. Not all parents can cooperate easily, and many parents write into their agreements that when they are stalemated in making a decision, they will use a mediator or therapist to help resolve the impasse.

Whether or not you are a joint legal custodian of your children, you need to make every effort to try and involve the other parent in decision making. Failure to do so often increases the other parent’s sense of isolation, leading to hostility and retaliatory behavior. Obstructing your child’s relationship with her other parent could thus turn into a legal problem for you or a psychological problem for your child. For a terrific article on the value of joint legal custody, click here.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Finding a Schedule that Fits Your Family

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

Now that you understand what your children are  the divorce, you are ready to being thinking about creating a parenting plan that will work for both parents and is optimal to meet your children’s needs.

What Are Our Legal Options for Raising Our Children After Divorce?

Increasingly, personnel associated with the courts are in accord that the terms used to connote parenting arrangements after divorce– custody, access, and visitation — are antiquated and pernicious.  harkens back to a time when children were parents’ property, and  suggests that one parent is more of a visitor than a family member. These terms are being replaced with new ones such as “decision making responsibility” and “parenting plans”, which emphasize parental responsibilities over their rights. Nevertheless, the older terms are still in use and need to be understood. Legal and physical custody are the primary designations after divorce. Technically, custody means the safe caring of a child. The courts have the power to confer both legal and physical custody. Click here for an article on legal custody options.   

Legal Custody

The parent or parents with legal custody have the legal right to make major decisions regarding the child. Major decisions typically refer to those pertaining to the child’s health, education, and welfare. Commonly specified types of decisions include: religious upbringing and education, choice of schools and/or special education decisions, medical decisions such as elective surgery, choice of doctors, and whether or not to have a child receive mental health counseling and/or medications. In sole legal custody, one parent has primary decision making rights. In joint legal custody, such decision making is shared. For an article on legal custody, click here.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

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Take Care of Yourself

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Once you have begun your divorce, the work of rebuilding your life has just begun.  You will need to establish a consistent routine for yourself and your children that fits into your newly separated life. You will find this a demanding and disorganized time. The legal process in itself greatly adds to the stress. You have meetings to go to, paperwork to do, monetary matters to track, lawyers to meet with and to pay, and unless the divorce process is very amicable, all this happens against a backdrop of great uncertainty about the results of the process. Click here for nine tips for taking care of yourself after divorce.  

Allow yourself to have some time each day or week, even if it is brief, which is time simply for you.  You need to be aware of your own stress level, and be able to pause when you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted.  You may find that the household routine will require that you ask the children to do extra chores and tasks.  You may need to ask neighbors, friends and family to help you at the commencement of your new lifestyle.

The single parent who is also employed or without previous social supports may find that the demands placed on him or her are overwhelming.  Single parenting, like becoming a parent for the first time, is exhausting because you have so much to do, all of which needs to be done immediately. There is no one to give you a break, to take over when you are tired, or to give you support in dealing with the discipline or management of the children.

Yet with a sense of relief over having crossed the initial hurdles of separation and initiation of divorce proceedings, you may for the first time be able to organize and situate your life in a happier and healthier manner.  The fact that you are solely in charge of running your home will enable you to establish what you want your home to be like and to feel like.  Parents who are prepared to take risks, and try new behavior, will provide their children with a good example of positive coping with change and adversity. This will be a great advantage to your children as they develop. Click here for another terrific article.  

Your children need to continue on with their own interests, friendships, and developmental growth spurts. They can do this easier and with less worry if they see you doing the same things for your own life.  It is very important that they see you taking time to re-discover yourself.  Besides, your children will not always need you in the same ways.  When you have a full and active life that supports their growth, you will have an easier time letting go of them when it is appropriate to do so.

How do you stay consistent and on top of their needs while working on your own day-to-day existence? You keep them at the center of your life but you build many concentric circles of support and interest beyond just them. In this way, divorced parenting is not different from parenting in two parent families. You just have to work harder at it because there is not someone else reminding you to have a life. Allow yourself to be interesting and to have new hobbies. Be a person who tries new behaviors, re-examines her opinions, make mistakes.  Your children will respect you and the fact that you are establishing a new more flexible and healthy family unit.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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