Mediation Blog » Mediation

New York Times Explores No-Fault Divorce

admin — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 13:37:11 +0000

Today, marriage and family therapist Ruth Bettelheim wrote a terrific Op-Ed piece for the New York Times exploring the effects of 40 years of no-fault divorce in our country.

She explains: “In an adversarial custody battle, no one wins, but children are the biggest losers of all. Intelligent legislation could promote the one thing that children of divorce need most: peace between their parents.”

Peace between divorcing parents is the goal of Peace Talks Mediation Services and the theme of our second book, “Making Divorce Work.” Click here to read this excellent article.

Mediator’s Essentials

admin — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 12:00:45 +0000

When you find yourself in a situation where tension is rising, remember these ways you can keep your argument at a controlled burn and stay productive.

Encourage…Can you tell me what you mean?
Clarify…When did I do that?
Restate…So you wish I was more willing to see your parents?
Empathize…You are very upset with me.
Summarize…This is what you’ve said so far.
Validate…I guess I do act helpless in front of the children, because I am hoping they’ll see how poorly you treat me. I can see how that would feel demeaning to you.
Affirm…I hear you saying that you feel I am inflexible about rescheduling last week’s visitation.

Acknowledge that you hear the other person and understand what they are saying. Disallowing or debating with your spouse about who really has the right to be angry usually heightens the intensity of anger rather than diminishes it. But don’t pretend to feel all right about something when you do not; don’t give in just for the sake of peace. This kind of behavior usually leads to a re-occurrence of anger and conflict. Watch for signs of stress. To understand more about the signs and symptoms of stress, see http://www.helpguide.org/mental/stress_signs.htm.

Admit to your share of the problem and tell your spouse you recognize where and how you are part of the problem, emphasizing that you want to move to being part of the solution.

Stress the legitimate benefits of resolving this together. Be ready to compromise, but remember, compromise isn’t just a 50-50 proposition; even a 10% compromise can lead to positive change in your relationship. Brainstorm many possible solutions rather than insisting on one ultimatum. Once you agree to a solution or at least feel that you have said your piece and listened to each other, then renegotiate with each other. Plan together how similar situations will be dealt with in the future. Contract together to take certain actions that are different from how you normally behave with each other. Encourage each other to manage the stress of your divorce by putting together a plan for yourselves like the ones discussed at http://www.uhs.uga.edu/stress/.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Mediation Basics

admin — Mon, 18 May 2009 12:00:55 +0000

If you are considering mediation as an option for your divorce, it may be helpful for you to know the very basics of what mediation consists of. If you choose to mediate your divorce, the mediator typically will contract for a certain number of sessions, or a specific time period. A fee will be determined and set, and usually billed by the hour. Both parties should be encouraged to speak with a lawyer so that they each understand the legal options available, and whether or not the mediation is proceeding in a way which is fair for him or for her. For a comparison of mediation and litigation, see http://www.peace-talks.com/compare.php.

Once the agreement, or partial agreement, is finalized, both parties are encouraged to have a lawyer review it, and formalize it for the court to review and approve. Be cautious about agreeing to a mediated settlement that is not examined by an attorney. Some mediators accept the parties’ decisions without informing them about potential unfairness to either party. Whether it is best to reach an uncontested settlement or to have an agreement that is beneficial to both parties in the long term is a matter of personal preference, but it is one that should be carefully considered to avoid regrets at a later date. For a host of information about divorce in general, see http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

An uncontested divorce date is set, both parties appear in court, the judge reviews and approves the agreement. If the judge does not approve the agreement, then it’s back to the mediator, or a review with an attorney, but typically mediated agreements are approved by the court without modifications.

In the past 20 years, more and more courts have set up alternative dispute resolution procedures. Family Relations Offices, Mediation Services, Judicial Pretrial Procedures, Conciliation Services, and special mediation programs exist throughout the country to help divorcing couples resolve their disputes outside of court. Oftentimes these programs are free of charge, or operate on a sliding scale, and may be an alternative to private mediation services.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

How do I Find, Choose and Use a Mediator

admin — Thu, 14 May 2009 12:00:47 +0000

Typically, both parties will choose a mediation service. This may be a therapist, a lawyer, or both. Who you select depends upon the issues you wish to mediate. Issues about children are often best mediated by a mental health professional, while economic issues may best be mediated by an attorney. Both attorneys and therapists may be trained to mediate all issues, but be careful to select a professional based on experience and expertise. Mediation training isn’t licensed or regulated in all states, and the title “mediator” may be used by anyone, irrespective of background or training. If you are still trying to decide between mediation and getting an attorney, see http://www.peace-talks.com/proscons.php.

Ask a lawyer or mental health professional you trust for recommendations, look in the yellow pages, or call the Academy of Family Mediators at (781) 674-2663, for a list of members in your state.

Ask questions to determine if the mediator’s style fits your needs and if he or she is qualified to mediate your case. Consider asking:

What is your style of mediation? Do you see couples separately or together? How long do you expect a typical mediation to take?
How many mediations have you performed? How long have you been a mediator?
Have you been through any special training? What kind of training have you had, in addition to mediation certification? (Mental health, child expertise, family law experience, economic expertise in matters of real estate, investments, pensions, etc, specific tax knowledge).
Consider: If the mediator is a therapist, how does he or she keep up with the law? Is the mediator affiliated with a lawyer or group of lawyers? If the mediator is a lawyer, does he or she understand the psychological implications and dynamics of negotiating a divorce? Given that lawyers are professionally trained to argue, how has the mediator overcome that original bias? Is he or she affiliated with a therapist or therapy groups?
How do you work with spouses who retain individual attorneys?
What is the initial fee, are phone calls billed and charged, what is the hourly rate and is there a retainer? Who is responsible for paying? Is there a special division of fees if one spouse calls without the other’s knowledge? If either of you wishes to cease the mediation process, how will that be handled?
What does the mediator recommend if the mediation process breaks down?
How are other referrals made to professionals such as: accountants, individual therapists, and attorneys?
How is confidentiality handled?
Is the mediator willing to testify in court under any circumstance? Is there a written agreement as to whether or not the mediator may testify, so that there are no misunderstandings?

For a host of resources on divorce in general, be sure to visit our resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

What is Mediation?

admin — Tue, 12 May 2009 12:00:09 +0000

Mediation is designed to help you and your spouse resolve issues without having to involve a court in your decision making process. It can save money, time, and hurt feelings. If you want to do your divorce without hiring a lawyer, you may especially want to consider mediation. In addition, many lawyers are “mediation friendly”, meaning that they will cooperate with your mediator and keep the court process to a bare minimum while you work through your issues in mediation.

Mediation is becoming increasingly popular as a method for resolving disputes concerning custody, asset division, and child support. In addition to saving money, time, and stress, it allows families to fashion their own court orders tailored to their unique circumstances. Because there are not court pressures to resolve the case within a specific amount of time, mediation sessions can be scheduled at your convenience. And, if you need more information about a specific topic, such as taxes or your children’s visitation needs, you can bring an accountant or psychologist into your mediation session. If you are trying to choose between mediation and getting an attorney, see http://www.peace-talks.com/proscons.php.

Research indicates that it is a cheaper, faster, and less adversarial way to approach the end of a marriage or a custody negotiation compared to court intervention. It also tends to result in fewer returns to court for modifications after divorce. Most parties report high satisfaction with the process, and despite myths to the contrary, it is not more advantageous for either women or men. Partners who opt for mediation tend to select joint legal custody more often than spouses who utilize the court system, partly because of how well the partners got along to begin with, partly because of a slight bias among mediators toward joint custody, and partly because mediation helps parents learn to communicate. Mediation can be handled in a variety of forums, with a variety of professionals assisting.

Basically, a trained mediator acts as an impartial third party and assists in reaching resolution on relevant issues in the divorce. The mediator serves as a master communicator, referee and problem solver, working to balance both parties’ interests and to assist them in reaching fair decisions. A mediation need not resolve every issue: you can choose to consult a mediator to resolve custody and visitation issues, but not asset division. Or, you could decide to mediate asset division, but not child support and alimony. Mediation at least helps narrow the focus of the problems and lets you resolve what you can prior to court intervention. Even if you are only partially successful in mediation, the process enables you to keep much of the divorce in your own hands. For a comparison of the cost of a mediated or litigated divorce, see http://www.peace-talks.com/compare.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

7 Keys to Resolving Family Conflicts

admin — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 18:08:57 +0000

Be hard on the problem, but easy on the people. “Mom’s healthcare is a tough set of decisions that need to be made. We’re smart people; we can figure this out.”
Listening is not the same thing as obeying. Meet people where they are, and hear out their concerns. They won’t consider changing their mind before they feel heard. “Let me make sure I understand what you’re saying, and then can I have a little time to think about it before I respond?”
Use “I” statements. “I would feel more comfortable if you left more space between the car in front of us and our car” is a request which is easy to honor.
Benefit of the doubt. Don’t take everything personally, because it probably isn’t really about you anyway. When someone is late for an appointment, are they really trying to hurt you, or are they doing it inadvertently because of something else that went wrong for them today?
No secrets. Have the awkward conversations before things get worse, not better. Little resentments build up over time—better to clear the air when it happens than to keep score.
Life is a dialogue. Conflict is inevitable. It’s how you choose to handle it that makes the difference. Keep the conversation going.
You can be right, or you can be happy. Choose your battles. Your happiness depends, at least in part, on how happy other family members are with you. It’s in your enlightened self interest to make sure that you’re making it easy to be nice to you.

Diana Mercer is the founder of Peace Talks Mediation Services, www.peace-talks.com. She is the co-author of Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Fireside 2001).