Archive for the ‘Living Arrangements’ Category

Setting Clear Boundaries

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Oftentimes, your situation does not meet the level of serious violence where you have to flee, but you are subject to ongoing intimidation. This is also a form of violence or battering. Understand that when you are being victimized, your children are at risk for being hurt too. Furthermore, you are teaching them about your expectations for relationships, a kind of learning that they may carry with them throughout their life and repeat when it is their turn to become involved in intimate relations. Set standards for how you will allow yourself and your children to be treated. Click here for a terrific article on boundary setting. 

Indications that your partner has gone too far include: getting angry at you when you disagree; punching holes in walls; throwing objects (aimed at nothing or at you); destroying belongings; threatening to hurt you or leave you for the purpose of creating fear in you; physically restraining you from leaving home; putting pressure on you not to work when you want to; insulting or ridiculing you; becoming jealous of your friends, activities, or hobbies; making you account for your whereabouts at all times; using promises and lies to manipulate you or to get you to forgive an angry behavior; isolating you from friends or family; making you ask permission to go out or make a career move; threatening your possessions, pets, or children’s safety.

Do not allow behaviors that feel uncomfortable, frightening, or intimidating to become acceptable to you or your children. These behaviors are forms of abuse even if you do not fear for your safety.   Make it clear to your spouse that he can no longer seek to control your life or your actions. If you do fear for your safety, you will need to take additional steps to stay safe. Click here for another terrific article.

When Your Children Are Involved and Affected

Children can be affected from parental violence in several ways. They can be injured during an incident between their parents; they can be traumatized by fear for their mother and their own sense of helplessness in protecting her; they can blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it; they can be directly abused themselves; and they can be neglected by parents who cannot care for them properly due to the violence in their relationship. Studies show that parents underestimate how often and to what extent children are witnesses to parental violence. Both mothers and fathers report that children are witnesses less than the children report when given the opportunity to respond for themselves.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

The evaluator will be interested in the structure that a parent provides for a child, the ability to provide clear boundaries and firm but fair discipline, in addition to the nurturing and caretaking abilities.  Ideally, the evaluator will hope to see a blend of structure, warmth and affection shown to the child. This combination optimizes parenting.  During every stage of your divorce it’s important for you to assess the quality and degree of your parenting devotion and involvement, for you to use this time as an opportunity to increase the time you spend, and enhance your relationship with your children. However, in the event of a custody dispute, you will continually and consistently want to demonstrate your best capacities and attitudes. For an article on the needs of divorced children, click here.        

A controversial issue in children’s care is whether or not a parent’s work hours is a detriment to his/her case. Nowadays, many young children spend time in day care, and this is not a negative factor in itself. On the other hand, if one parent is much more available than the other parent to spend time with the children, you need to take a hard look at why there is a custody battle between you.

Current circumstances are most important to the court, but if you or your spouse have engaged in past behaviors that were severe enough to impair your judgment and ability to parent, these matters can also be considered by the court. Such behaviors may include losing your temper with the other parent or your child and acting rashly and harshly, especially if it was done in sight of witnesses whom the other parent will now enlist in his/her behalf. More extreme examples include ongoing verbal or physical abuse of the other parent, the children, or even pets. 

If this describes you, you will want to be able to state clearly how your past behavior does not relate to the present situation, and how you have changed.  If this pertains to your spouse, and is ongoing, document in as much detail as you can what the past problem was, including any supporting materials such as police reports, doctors reports, child abuse reports, and so forth.  You will also need to be able to explain why this past behavior impacts your spouse’s current ability to be a good parent. Click here for another terrific article.         

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

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Choosing an Evaluator

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

For lawyers, litigants with a psychological history often present more complex cases in terms of client communication and bringing the client to an understanding of the risks, benefits and possible negative outcomes in the event of custody litigation. The assistance of an evaluating psychologist or other professional can be invaluable. Click here for more information.

Sometimes when a client feels that the court Family Relations Officer has not given him or her an adequate opportunity to explain the situation, it is helpful to have an independent evaluator appointed to give the client an additional opportunity to bring to the attention of a professional the problems that he or she perceives. Sometimes the process itself assists a client in coming to terms with the issues of the custody and visitation matter, by giving the client additional opportunity to be heard. The additional input and authority can be helpful in settling the case, even if it doesn’t differ from the recommendation of the court Family Relations office.

Typically, the evaluator will be permitted by the parties to communicate with the court Family Relations Officer, and the attorney for the minor children or guardian ad litem. In this way, each professional can assist the others in understanding the total picture of the family, and family dynamics. It should be underscored, however, that neither Family Relations nor independent evaluations are confidential; the court is entitled to full information contained in the evaluation.

Evaluators are most effective when one neutral professional is agreed upon by both parties. When choosing an evaluator, find someone with the appropriate background and experience. The parents of the family being evaluated are in a state of extreme emotional turmoil, yet they will be trying to make the best impression possible. The children may feel torn between two parents who cannot separate adult issues from children’s issues in the dispute. The evaluator you choose must be prepared for these conditions. He or she must therefore have a thorough understanding of the boundary issues that must be kept clear in a custody evaluation. The antidote is experience, training, and absolute integrity on the evaluator’s part.

It is helpful if the evaluator has experience testifying in court. Of course, even the most talented professional once had no experience, so this is not a prohibition for the selection process, but a witness who knows how to handle himself or herself can be crucial if a trial is involved. Equally important as other aspects, choose an evaluator with whom your attorney can work. The evaluator should not be a “hired gun” who will automatically testify for a client based on a personal relationship with the attorney, or who is known for personal biases (e.g., for mothers or for fathers). Rather, the lawyer should trust that the evaluator’s opinion is sound and will hold up under scrutiny. Respect between the professionals involved in your case can also help settle the case, as they guide you based on what they learn from each other. Click here for another terrific article.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

 For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Attorneys and Guardians for Children

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

If you have a contested custody matter which cannot be solved by initial mediation sessions, the court will generally appoint either an attorney or a guardian ad litem (latin “for the case”) to represent your children. The attorney for your children represents their legal interests just as your attorney represents yours, voicing their wishes and advocating for that position. The guardian ad item’s job is to give neutral information to the court about what is in the child’s best interests, irrespective of the child’s wishes. Typically, older children will get an attorney appointed, and younger children will get a guardian, especially if they are too young to talk. But this varies across states.  It will be either the attorney’s or the guardian’s responsibility to determine what the children want to do, or should do according to that adult’s judgment. The attorney or guardian can assist you in knowing how your child feels as the case progresses, and your child’s vulnerabilities which require attention. Click here for more information.

Evaluations of the Child and Family

When parents are disputing about child issues, then in addition to the court appointed advocates, the court typically orders an evaluation of the family to assist the judge in making decisions for the parents. The purpose of the evaluation is to provide the court with a full picture about the individual family members and their relationships to each other. This information will assist the judge in making decisions about parenting arrangements, depending upon the factors to which that judge decides to give most weight. 

Many courts have a Family Relations Office that will conduct this study for little or no cost. You may also wish to ask for an independent custody evaluation, which is typically performed by a social worker, psychologist, or other mental health professional that the court deems competent to evaluate your case for custody and visitation issues. Either you or the court could request and/or appoint an independent evaluator. Court-sponsored evaluations conducted by Family Relations officers typically include the following elements: the evaluator will speak with the parties together, separately, with the children alone, with the children and each party, with the teachers, day care providers, doctors, extended family and anyone else who has contact with the family and who would be able to comment on the parties’ parenting abilities. The Family Relations office study is a nuts and bolts analysis of the family situation, and the parental roles within that family situation over the last several years. Court sponsored evaluations have the benefit of being less expensive, and utilizing court-related personnel who have a great deal of experience with the judges and attorneys of the judicial district they work in. They are often expert investigators, within the standards of their practice. Click here to visit a website dedicated to guardians ad litem.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

 For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Using a Calendar

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Your first planning step is to find a blank 12 month calendar.  First, chart out the activities for each of your children. List all fixed activities such as when they leave for and return home from school or day care, and when they need to be at each activity (e.g., baseball, music lesson, religious school, ballet, etc.). You may want to use an entire year’s worth of calendars because sports, school, and other activities the children participate in are seasonal. Use the child’s school calendar and also mark in the school vacations.

Now, with a different colored pen, plot in your own time commitments. Include everything, whether it is work, school, church volunteerism, or any other activities that you pursue on a regular basis. Don’t forget standing meetings and fixed appointments. It will begin to be clear how your schedule meshes with your children’s and where the obvious holes lie.

Again using a different colored pen, chart out when your spouse has obligations, such as work or school.  Now it should also be clear when your spouse is free to spend time with the children.

You can now start to draw up your parenting times.  If you have to be at work, but your spouse is available, then the children could be with your spouse at that time. If you are available, but your spouse is not, then the children should be with you. For a terrific article on using a parenting calendar, click here.

You can become more specific when you consider all of the children’s commitments, which parent has historically filled those commitments, and which parent(s) is able to do them over the course of the year. Click here for an online parenting calendar.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

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Parenting Plans: The First Year of Life

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Unfortunately, too little research has been conducted regarding children’s responses to various schedules to have an empirical idea about what types of schedules work for which kinds of children and families. This means that parents are still largely on their own in setting up a schedule – using common sense and compassion about what the schedule is like for your children is still the best guidelines. However, experts in the field were gathered by the state  to make recommendations about optimal schedules based on what we know about the “average” child’s capacity to manage time away from the primary caretaker(s) and still feel secure, and to handle multiple transitions. Click here for a great article on parenting plans.   

The First Year of Life

In the first year of life, primary tasks for the infant include stabilizing physical routines of feeding and sleeping, and learning to trust the world through predictable contact that is nurturing and responsive to needs for feeding, diapering, and comforting on demand. Most children develop a primary attachment to the person who is responsible for their care, but they are capable of developing attachment to a second or third caretaker as well. Emphasis on predictability and familiarity facilitate healthy development for infants.

Most experts agree that for children under one year of age, the time spent with a “non-primary” parent should be consistent, predictable, and regular. Anywhere from daily to as many times a week as possible for short time periods is useful. Overnights are not recommended, and separations from a primary caretaker should be kept to eight hours or less. The easier the child’s temperament, and the more comfortable the parents are with the child in either parent’s care, the more frequent the baby’s time with the second parent can be without causing the child undue stress.

Having a primary home with 2-3 hour visits sprinkled throughout the week optimizes both parents’ opportunities to learn about who their baby is and what he or she needs. For some additional information on parenting plans, click here.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Some Common Shared Parenting Schedules

Monday, July 12th, 2010

For parents who want to share their children’s time more equally, there are many possible schedules. Some common ones are:

  • every other week,
  • every two weeks,
  • Monday morning through Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon through Monday morning,
  • Wednesday morning through Saturday morning and Saturday morning through Wednesday morning,
  • September through June and summers for parents who live in different states.

Every schedule has different pluses and minuses associated with it. Which schedule works for your family will depend on how close you live to the other parent, your work schedules, ages of your children, the children’s individual temperaments, school demands, and their hobbies and activities. The schedule you choose should depend on how important it is for the children to be in the same house during weekdays (i.e., school nights) and how well your children adapt to the transition between homes.  Can your children organize their school work when they make transitions between homes during the school week? If they have religious, sports, music, or other training on a regular basis, then maintaining the consistency of such classes is important. Children shouldn’t have to miss activities on a regular basis because they have to be at the other parent’s house. For a great article on shared parenting, click here.  

How children go to school and return home also will affect your schedule. Do they need to be driven, can they switch busses, are they in a carpool?

Do your children have a maximum amount of time they tolerate being away from either of you?  The length of time may differ from their primary caretaker and their secondary, if that is how your family has been arranged in the past. All of these factors are considerations in determining the best parenting schedules.

Are There Alternatives to the Typical Shared Parenting Plans?

Some less common, but important, variations on schedules also deserve mention. For reasons that will become obvious in the descriptions below, these arrangements are harder to maintain than more common ones, and they often require greater cooperation and sacrifice on both parents’ parts. However, when values or circumstances dictate creative solutions, these are worth considering.

Parents who can successfully do it report great satisfaction with “nesting”. In this arrangement, the children stay in one place, and the parents move out of the home and into an apartment or family member’s home. Sometimes the parents share one other dwelling, other times they can afford to rent or own two different ones. Sometimes they each return to a parent’s or friend’s home as their secondary residence. Parents then move in and out of the family home according to the dictates of schedules that work best for them. Click here for an article on nesting.  

Sometimes parents live far away from one another. In these situations, children may spend school years with one parent, and longer holiday periods, vacations, and summers with the other parent.

When parents live near each other, they may choose to alternate the child’s primary residence every other year. The children do not spend much time living between homes, but they do visit the other parent regularly. However, each parent gets to be the primary parent some of the time, smoothing over the sense of one parent being the less central figure. This schedule, though often proposed, is counter to children’s best interests in most situations. This arrangement erodes consistency in discipline across phases of life, as well as the child’ sense of belonging in a home. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

 

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Common Living Arrangements

Thursday, July 8th, 2010

The most common arrangement today is still for the children to live primarily with one parent and spend time with the other. How families spell out specific arrangements are as varied as families themselves. One common form is for the children to live with Mom, and spend time with Dad every other weekend and an evening per week for dinner. Sometimes the weekend ends on Sunday, and other times the children stay until Monday morning when they are dropped off at school. Variations on the theme include a cycle in which the child spends one overnight during one week, and a four day weekend (or a three day weekend) the following week. Click here for an article on living arrangements after divorce.  

Many divorce orders provide for “liberal and reasonable” access, without specification of a schedule.  This works out fine when parents communicate effectively and are flexible with one another.  This does not work when parents are unable cooperate, yet they enter into an agreement for “reasonable and liberal visitation” in order to gloss over problems in favor of expediting the divorce. In order to bring predictability and order into your lives, and your children’s, you should specify a schedule in your divorce agreement. Having a schedule in place need not discourage both of you from being flexible about rescheduling when either parent requests modifications. For an article on co-parenting after divorce, click here.  

All kinds of details can be written into an agreement to forestall problems particular to your family. For example, if you feel that your time with the kids is often reduced when they are sick, which occurs particularly with young children, you can write into the agreement that if a child is sick and has to miss a visitation, then compensatory time will be scheduled if it is not too disruptive to the child’s own schedule. Similarly, if your spouse hires a babysitter to watch the children when you would normally be available, you can specify that the other parent gets first right of refusal for extra time with the children. This is especially important to do when the child sees her parent fairly infrequently. By the same token, using your spouse’s desire to be involved with the children to call upon him/her every time you have some small need is taking advantage of the situation. You want him or her to be available for you without feeling imposed upon, and certainly the reverse would be true.  The idea behind “right of first refusal for babysitting” is that the spouses support each other, and that the children maximize the amount of time with each parent, and minimize the amount of time with babysitters. In the event such a provision becomes manipulative rather than supportive, such as when it is used to influence how  the other parent spends free time, it should be discontinued immediately.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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