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Archive for the ‘Life After Divorce’ Category

Preparing Myself and My Children

Monday, April 12th, 2010

The family that your children have known is about to undergo tremendous change. Divorce research has shown that children are rarely informed about their parents’ pending separation and divorce prior to its occurrence. The younger the children, the less chance that they were told in advance about the divorce.

Parents’ reasons for not informing their children are well intentioned. They are anxious and afraid themselves, and they have difficulty figuring out when and what to say. Some parents fear burdening their children if they say too much. Others are concerned that their children won’t understand the reasons, and that the information will add to their hurt unnecessarily. Sometimes parents wait until the time seems right, and then events gather momentum, and the opportunity has slipped away. All of these reasons that parents wait to tell their children are understandable, but they are not helpful. Your children need to know. In fact, it will make the divorce more predictable to them, which will facilitate their healthy adaptation. Click here for an article on preparing children for divorce.

How Do We Tell the Children?

The first step in informing your children about the separation and divorce is for you and your spouse to sit down and talk about it by yourselves. Decide if you are definite about separating; it is not helpful for your children to hear that you might do this. Once you have reached a decision, make an agreement about where the children will live and what kind of parenting plan your spouse and you will implement, at least on a temporary basis. You are then ready to speak to the children about your decisions.

A family meeting is a good forum to tell your children about your decisions. There are several advantages for your children if both of you can tell them together of your plans. Children will see that you intend to cooperate and work together as parents. It gives the messages that although this is a painful turn of events, we will deal with it together. Also, we can talk about it. The invitation exists to talk about undesirable subjects. By logical extension, feelings and actions of all kinds are acceptable fodder for discussion. Most of all, your actions show the children that you, as parents, are in charge and will continue to care together for them.

The first thing to tell the children is that you will be divorcing. You may want to say: “We have been unhappy for a long time because we fight so much. We have tried very hard to get along better and to work things out, but we have decided it is necessary to live apart. It is our best chance of preserving our friendship. We have decided to separate. We have decided that Mom/Dad will move out.” Click here for more information about telling your children about divorce.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Preparing Children, Preparing Yourself, Protecting Children, Telling the Children
Posted in Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Life After Divorce | Comments Off

Living Together During or After Divorce

Monday, July 13th, 2009

The Wall Street Journal published an article today about staying together after you get divorced, or staying together while the divorce is going on.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124743668592229179.html

Nice idea, in principal. Right? It’s cheaper, you don’t have to worry about changing the kids’ schedules, you keep your same mailing address……

But what this article, and the similar article which appeared in the New York Times on December 30, 2008, failed to mention was that the time of separation and divorce can be a very difficult time for the participants. Even for families which are not involved in chronic domestic violence, it is not uncommon for there to be 1 or 2 isolated incidents of violence surrounding the decision to divorce.

Are we sure that’s worth the money?

A client called last week and said, “We got into a fight and [spouse] slapped me. I called the police, and the police arrested [spouse]. Now what do I do?” This same client had called the week before complaining that he/she didn’t see how their mediation could be completed for the average amount of fees which we quote clients. Now the cost of mediation is a drop in the bucket—-spouse had to be bailed out of jail, there’s a restraining order, and one or both spouses will need an attorney. I’ll bet that spouse is no longer interested in settling through mediation, so the new divorce lawyers will easily cost 3 times the amount of money that client was worried about just a week prior. And let’s not forget that all of this went down in front of the parties’ children.

So is it really about money? At this point, I fail to see the savings.

Likewise, the Los Angeles Times has a similar article in today’s paper:

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As a 20 year divorce professional (litigator turned mediator) I worry that in an effort to save a couple of bucks that people are putting themselves in danger. And if it’s not physical danger, per se, what about what the children are witnessing? Are these parents who are staying together really perfect role models for how adults should handle conflict? I sure hope so, but somehow I doubt it.

Let’s not forget that an overwhelming number of non-gang-related homocides are [former or current] romantic partners. Remember the fellow who dressed as Santa and killed half of his wife’s family last Christmas? He was her ex husband.

My observation of “I can’t afford it” is really “I don’t value it so I’m not going to spend money on it”. Remember when you shared an apartment with 2 other people in college? Or you clipped coupons to make ends meet because your first job paid $5 an hour?

Staying together in the same house while you’re getting divorced may work for some folks, but for those it does not work for, it is a disaster.

Posted in Conflict Management, Cost of Divorce, Creative Problem Solving, Divorce and Your House, Emotions During Divorce, Filing for Divorce, Legal Issues, Life After Divorce, Property Division | Comments Off

Casting Notice for Divorce TV Show

Friday, July 10th, 2009

This company is NOT affiliated with Peace Talks Mediation Services, but I thought I’d post this on the blog in case someone is interested:

Here’s the official Casting Notice:

Are you, or someone close to you recently divorced, or currently going through a divorce? Are you looking to pull together and improve your situation by moving forward? What kind of emotional toll is the breakup of your marriage taking on your home, work, and social life? Do you feel like people in your life – friends, family members – must take sides in your marital war? If divorce is affecting your life right now, we want to hear from you.

Producers are searching for divorced or divorcing couples to participate in a new show, both parties should be willing to share their story openly and honestly with the world. We are interested in private relationships which, for many complex reasons, have broken down. 2 adults who have already tried hard to hold onto their marriage, and are at the end of the road. There will be a focus on the positive side of life after the divorce is finalized. Please send photos, location, emails, phone numbers, and a summary of the relationship history to our casting department.

Thanks in advance for your time, and please feel free to pass my contact info and/or email to whomever you feel is appropriate.

Best,

Tracy Powell

Development Producer

Escalate TV

Cell: 407-284-7320

E: tracypowell@gmail.com

Posted in Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Fault in Divorce, Life After Divorce | Comments Off

Getting back on the Chain Gang

Monday, June 1st, 2009

If you have been thinking about re-entering the work force, you will want to do so as soon as possible. Brush up your resume, update your wardrobe, and research job prospects. If you have been thinking about changing careers, make those moves before you discuss a divorce with your spouse. A court is less likely to upset your plans if you have already started. For some fantastic post-divorce career resources, check out http://www.divorce360.com/college-and-career-after-divorce-360.aspx.

For example, assume that you have been thinking about getting divorced but need to finish your college degree. You enroll in school and finish two semesters, but have two semesters left to complete. The chances that a Judge will order your spouse to pay the remaining tuition are much better than your prospects of obtaining future tuition monies from your spouse for a college in which you have not yet enrolled. A clear plan can make all the difference

Some people, especially those who’ve been out of the job market for several years, experience a sense of panic and concern regarding the financial future when they realize that they will need to be responsible for their own household. If you have not worked for several years, you may think about going back to your previous field. On the other hand, this is your chance to change careers if you’re interested in doing something new, or if you find your old skills are hopelessly outdated. Be creative in your thoughts regarding your career future. Low paying jobs are going to be just as easy to obtain in six months or a year from now as they are today. Don’t rush into a decision you’ll regret later. Rather than assuming you will need to go back to work in a bank, retail sales, or another career which you left many years ago, begin to think about some of the activities that you have developed over the course of the marriage.

Make sure you also understand what your cost of living will be after the divorce and that you look for a job that will allow you to make ends meet. For a great article on rebuilding you finances after divorce, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Rebuilding-Your-Finances-After-Divorce&id=77410.

Tags: Lifestyle Changes, Re-entering the Workforce
Posted in Life After Divorce | Comments Off

Work it Out

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

You can never start planning for the future too soon, and when it comes to your career this is especially true. Now is the time to make those plans for your future financial responsibilities.

Unless you are independently wealthy, or you already have a salary that’s enough to support yourself and/or your family, you need to get your career plans in order. You can’t risk being unable to support yourself adequately. Sometimes, people refuse to pay support amounts set by a judge despite court orders, and sometimes they aren’t ordered to make support payments at all. You need to be prepared for all of these scenarios. Divorces can be startling in their expense; keeping up two families is not one plus a little, it is two of everything or double what you need now.If education is an issue because you don’t have a high school diploma, didn’t finish college, need to update your skills, or you have let a professional license lapse, now is the time to get busy. For information on obtaining or finishing a degree, see www.educationdegreesource.com.

After the divorce starts in earnest, it will be much harder to begin.

Ideally, if you’ve been out of the job market for awhile, you will receive enough money from your spouse to ease your transition back into your career. This happens very rarely in practice. Either the family doesn’t have enough money, your spouse disappears or doesn’t pay, or your education or career move takes much longer than expected.

Several years ago, lifetime alimony awards for housewives were commonplace. Not so anymore. Women are expected to work, even if they cannot support themselves fully. Several states have abolished alimony entirely. And, with changing sex roles, it is not that unusual for men to put their careers on hold for children and other responsibilities. Nowadays, some men are awarded alimony, as well as child support, when they are awarded custody of children.

Lifetime alimony orders were also common in the past. Perhaps a housewife’s husband had an affair with his secretary, and that is the reason the marriage broke down. Twenty years ago, that would have meant a huge alimony order. Not so anymore. Alimony is now based on the spouse’s ability to pay, as well as the needs of the recipient.

In addition, the economic reality for most families is that maintaining two households will necessitate two incomes, even if one is small than the other. There simply isn’t enough money to go around, no matter how deserving the prospective recipient.

Don’t gamble on alimony. Find your ideal career and make the subject moot.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com.