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Can I Relocate?

Monday, August 30th, 2010

Many parents ask “Can I relocate?” and the answer always depends on the individual circumstances at the time. Given our increasingly mobile society, it is not at all unusual for one spouse to need to move out of state, or even out of the country. Increasingly, the courts are trying to determine whether it is in the child’s best interest to move, even if the child has lived with a primary physical custodial parent for quite some time. Click here for an article about relocating after divorce.

The court will consider all of the factors that have gone into the original custody decree, as well as the reason for the move, the ability of the child to maintain contact with the other parent, what kind of visitation would be set up for the parent left behind (as well as extended family), and the living situation for the child in the new city or state.

If you anticipate a relocation you should probably deal with it as part of your divorce up front. If you think that maybe some day you might want to relocate, putting a notice provision with respect to relocation into your settlement agreement is important. Many such provisions call for 90 to 180 days notice before someone can move. Sample relocation clauses are included in the appendix. This notice enables time to negotiate or motion the court to prevent the move while it is being worked out by the parents. Relocation is not a good bargaining chip, as it evokes a sense of threat, and often pushes the other person to become more intransigent and stubborn out of fear of losing contact with the children. Click here for another great article on relocation after divorce.

In most jurisdictions it will be up to you to prove that moving out of state is in the children’s best interests. While you may have many reasons why it’s in your best interests to move, is it really in the children’s best interests? How will they maintain contact with the other parent? How involved are they in their school and school activities? Will close friends and extended family be left behind? How well does your child adjust to new situations?

The legal custody designation (i.e. joint legal custody) has little to do with whether or not you will be permitted to move. The actual circumstances of your case will be the determining factor. The more involved the other parent has been in the children’s lives, the more difficult it will be for you to prove that it is in the children’s best interests to move far away from them. Therefore, having sole legal custody doesn’t automatically permit you to move with the children, and having joint legal custody doesn’t automatically prevent you from moving with the children. Sometimes the court will say, “Sure you can leave, but your children will stay with their other parent.” This has happened even when the children have always lived with the leaving parent.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Modifying Custody, Projtecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Life After Divorce, Pareting Plans | No Comments »

Parenting Plans for Toddlers

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010

The second year of a baby’s life is dedicated to exploring and gaining confidence and familiarity with the world. To do this, the baby must feel secure enough in his or her environment that energies are available to commit to the tasks of seeking out a larger world. Care must be responsive and consistent, so that the baby begins to feel some sense of control over separations and reunions. Click here for more information.

Children at this age can spend daytime contacts away from the primary parent. Overnights are debatable. The team of experts brought together to study this issue for the state of Washington advised no overnights. Judith Solomon’s research indicated that for some toddlers, overnights were associated with signals of distress and less secure attachment to both figures in their life. In a follow-up report, she found that overnight visitation can disorganize a child’s attachment strategies, but such disorganization does not necessarily pervade the overall mother-child relationship. That is, the children may be more sensitive around separations, but this does not carry over to a longer term prognosis. Moreover, parents who have divorced early in their children’s life report that their child can spend overnights once or twice a week without exhibiting signs of distress. Since we do not know whether children will show stress symptoms later as a result of early separations, it is best to use caution in designing arrangements.

Two to three full days, non-consecutively placed, should work for many toddlers just starting visits. However, many children respond well to regular, full-time day care when such care is of high quality. Thus, children spending that time with another parent should theoretically be able to adapt as well.

Older Toddlers – The Third Year of Life

At this age, children are expressing their autonomy in more ways, actively initiating separations from parents to find out what else the world has to offer. They are discovering what is unique about them, how they are different and similar to other children around them. Children in this age group want to learn as much as they can about everything, and the world is their playground. In order to explore safely, they need consistent rules and limit setting, gentle but firm guidance, and assistance in managing their disappointments and frustrations when they hear the inevitable “No!”. Verbal explanations of parental behavior is important, as the children are using language increasingly to manage their own behavior and to understand how to respond to new situations and feelings.

Older toddlers can spend as much as 3 days with the non-primary parent. If the parent is familiar and an ongoing part of the child’s care, overnights are more likely to be successful. Consecutive nights are still not recommended, and more than 2 nights per week may be too taxing psychologically. A conservative route indicates that when the child is in the latter half of the third year, you introduce an overnight and see how the child manages. If this works, the you could try a second overnight later in the week, but be ready to back off if the child begins to send you distress signs. For a terrific article by Dr. Phil, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Pareting Plans, Protecting Children, Toddlers
Posted in Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Life After Divorce, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | No Comments »

Parenting Plans: The First Year of Life

Wednesday, July 14th, 2010

Unfortunately, too little research has been conducted regarding children’s responses to various schedules to have an empirical idea about what types of schedules work for which kinds of children and families. This means that parents are still largely on their own in setting up a schedule – using common sense and compassion about what the schedule is like for your children is still the best guidelines. However, experts in the field were gathered by the state to make recommendations about optimal schedules based on what we know about the “average” child’s capacity to manage time away from the primary caretaker(s) and still feel secure, and to handle multiple transitions. Click here for a great article on parenting plans.

The First Year of Life

In the first year of life, primary tasks for the infant include stabilizing physical routines of feeding and sleeping, and learning to trust the world through predictable contact that is nurturing and responsive to needs for feeding, diapering, and comforting on demand. Most children develop a primary attachment to the person who is responsible for their care, but they are capable of developing attachment to a second or third caretaker as well. Emphasis on predictability and familiarity facilitate healthy development for infants.

Most experts agree that for children under one year of age, the time spent with a “non-primary” parent should be consistent, predictable, and regular. Anywhere from daily to as many times a week as possible for short time periods is useful. Overnights are not recommended, and separations from a primary caretaker should be kept to eight hours or less. The easier the child’s temperament, and the more comfortable the parents are with the child in either parent’s care, the more frequent the baby’s time with the second parent can be without causing the child undue stress.

Having a primary home with 2-3 hour visits sprinkled throughout the week optimizes both parents’ opportunities to learn about who their baby is and what he or she needs. For some additional information on parenting plans, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Parenting Plans, Protecting the Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Life After Divorce, Living Arrangements, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | No Comments »

Some Common Shared Parenting Schedules

Monday, July 12th, 2010

For parents who want to share their children’s time more equally, there are many possible schedules. Some common ones are:

every other week,
every two weeks,
Monday morning through Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon through Monday morning,
Wednesday morning through Saturday morning and Saturday morning through Wednesday morning,
September through June and summers for parents who live in different states.

Every schedule has different pluses and minuses associated with it. Which schedule works for your family will depend on how close you live to the other parent, your work schedules, ages of your children, the children’s individual temperaments, school demands, and their hobbies and activities. The schedule you choose should depend on how important it is for the children to be in the same house during weekdays (i.e., school nights) and how well your children adapt to the transition between homes. Can your children organize their school work when they make transitions between homes during the school week? If they have religious, sports, music, or other training on a regular basis, then maintaining the consistency of such classes is important. Children shouldn’t have to miss activities on a regular basis because they have to be at the other parent’s house. For a great article on shared parenting, click here.

How children go to school and return home also will affect your schedule. Do they need to be driven, can they switch busses, are they in a carpool?

Do your children have a maximum amount of time they tolerate being away from either of you? The length of time may differ from their primary caretaker and their secondary, if that is how your family has been arranged in the past. All of these factors are considerations in determining the best parenting schedules.

Are There Alternatives to the Typical Shared Parenting Plans?

Some less common, but important, variations on schedules also deserve mention. For reasons that will become obvious in the descriptions below, these arrangements are harder to maintain than more common ones, and they often require greater cooperation and sacrifice on both parents’ parts. However, when values or circumstances dictate creative solutions, these are worth considering.

Parents who can successfully do it report great satisfaction with “nesting”. In this arrangement, the children stay in one place, and the parents move out of the home and into an apartment or family member’s home. Sometimes the parents share one other dwelling, other times they can afford to rent or own two different ones. Sometimes they each return to a parent’s or friend’s home as their secondary residence. Parents then move in and out of the family home according to the dictates of schedules that work best for them. Click here for an article on nesting.

Sometimes parents live far away from one another. In these situations, children may spend school years with one parent, and longer holiday periods, vacations, and summers with the other parent.

When parents live near each other, they may choose to alternate the child’s primary residence every other year. The children do not spend much time living between homes, but they do visit the other parent regularly. However, each parent gets to be the primary parent some of the time, smoothing over the sense of one parent being the less central figure. This schedule, though often proposed, is counter to children’s best interests in most situations. This arrangement erodes consistency in discipline across phases of life, as well as the child’ sense of belonging in a home.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Custody, Parenting Schedules, Protecting Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Life After Divorce, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | No Comments »

Developing a Schedule for Living Arrangements

Wednesday, July 7th, 2010

The decision about with whom children will reside primarily may be a stressful one and can add to the ongoing conflicts between spouses. Therefore, you may be tempted to defer to your children to avoid the conflict and decision making. It is true that for older children (usually ten years or older), the court will consider where your child wants to live. This does not mean that you should ask your child with whom he or she wants to live. It is not uncommon for children to tell both parents that they wish to live with them; sometimes they change their minds based on whomever they are speaking to at that very moment. This may be a tactic to make each parent feel good, or the child may genuinely change his mind when with each parent. Children may choose the parent that they feel the most sorry for, scared of, or who has the least restrictive household rules. Your child is worried enough about the divorce situation without your adding to his concerns by asking him to choose between two parents. Click here for an article on living arrangements after divorce.

If a child is given this decision, you run the risk of invoking guilt toward the parent that was not chosen. In addition, the parent not chosen could punish the child by showing displeasure. Down the road, your children may become angry with you for passing this responsibility on to them, when it is one decision they wish you had made.

However, children often do have a preference, based more on their own needs for familiarity within their home and neighborhood than on a choice of one parent over another. They want to be near their friends, with the parent who has the best computer, with the parent who has more time to spend, or the parent whose home is most conducive to sleep overs with friends. Children can tell you where they’d like to live instead of with whom and indicates that they want to be heard about WHAT matters to them, not who. Having their opinions considered makes them feel included, valued, and recognized as persons with independent needs.

Talk to your children along with your former spouse, and encourage them to express their preferences for schedule rather than place, and be clear that the adults will make the final decisions. For more on living arrangements after divorce, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Living Arrangements, Physical Custody, Protecting the Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Life After Divorce, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children | No Comments »

Physical Custody

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

Physical custody describes where the child physically lives. Most children live primarily with one parent (called sole physical custody), spending a specified amount of time with the other parent (called either visitation or parenting access).When children spend fairly equal amounts of time with both parents, the court refers to this type of living arrangement as Joint Physical Custody.

Joint physical custody

Joint physical custody takes various forms. Some children spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other parent; others spend 3 nights one week with one parent, and four nights the next week. Various other permutations are also used (discussed later in this chapter), and as long as the children spend nearly equal time with each parent, the specific arrangement is not germane to the title. In this arrangement, children often think of themselves as having two homes. Click here for an article on joint physical custody.

Compared to joint legal custody, joint physical custody is a relatively rare event, with national estimates ranging from about 10-20% of divorced families. It is also a difficult arrangement to maintain; studies show that many families who begin in dual residence arrangements move to more traditional schedules over time. This is due to the difficulty of maintaining such arrangements, as they require cooperation, organization, and flexibility. This scenario typically works best when the parents live near each other and transportation to and from school and extracurricular activities is easily resolved, logistically speaking. It also works best when parents are able to communicate and cooperate with each other about scheduling matters, and the child’s temperament is organized and relaxed when faced with multiple transitions. The pluses and minuses of such arrangements are discussed below.

Split custody arrangements: separating siblings

Generally courts will avoid separating siblings and placing them in different households. Under some circumstances, siblings are split up. This is a practice better off avoided if possible, but there are certainly circumstances in which it makes sense. For an article on split custody, click here.

For example, if one child has special needs and the other child taunts or torments that child, or if the children have unique educational needs that are best met in different districts, split custody may be the preferred option. In some cases, a female child is very identified with Mother and a male child with Father to such an extent that they request living apart to stay with the parent with whom they have sided. If your children are old enough to know what they want, and the situation makes sense given all other circumstances, consideration could be given to this option.

However, the children should not be divided for the sake of parental compromise. No matter how siblings do or don’t get along, childhood bonds between siblings are most likely to form in enduring ways when the children grow up together. This aspect of the children’s development should not be sacrificed for the parents’ wishes.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Custody, Physical Custody
Posted in Cost of Divorce, Life After Divorce, Moving On, children of divorce | No Comments »

Joint Legal Custody

Tuesday, June 15th, 2010

Joint legal custody is a label which was popularized in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s as a way to give both parents an equal opportunity to continue to be involved in decision making about their children’s lives. One motivation behind the term was the belief that if the non-custodial parent remained involved in decision making processes related to the child, that parent would be more likely to pay child support over time. Also, a growing fathers’ movement spoke out about men’s interests in continuing to have authority and a stake in their child’s life through involvement in decisions about their upbringing. For more information on joint legal custody, click here.

Joint legal custody grants both parents equal power in making major decisions concerning the children’s welfare. Typically, these are the health, education, and religious upbringing issues described above. The more day-to-day decisions about the children are usually made by the parent with whom the children live most of their time.

Joint legal custody works best when parents are able to cooperate with each other about decisions regarding their children. Parents who fight and use every opportunity to disagree about the decisions which affect the children may be viewed as poor candidates for joint legal custody, although most states have statutes either allowing or encouraging joint legal custody unless the conflict is at such a high level that the parents are incapable of any joint decision making.

The types of situations in which joint legal custody might not be appropriate are the following: one parent is incarcerated, one parent lives very far away from the other, one parent abuses drugs and alcohol to the extent that it impairs his or her judgment, there is a history of violence between the parties and any unnecessary contact should be eliminated, or one parent suffers from a psychiatric illness which makes it impossible for that parent to use good judgment pertaining to the child’s welfare.

For parents who are able to put their own differences behind them and work together for the benefit of their children, joint legal custody is a preferred outcome. Ideally, parents cooperate in making decisions, and they negotiate and compromise when they disagree. Not all parents can cooperate easily, and many parents write into their agreements that when they are stalemated in making a decision, they will use a mediator or therapist to help resolve the impasse.

Whether or not you are a joint legal custodian of your children, you need to make every effort to try and involve the other parent in decision making. Failure to do so often increases the other parent’s sense of isolation, leading to hostility and retaliatory behavior. Obstructing your child’s relationship with her other parent could thus turn into a legal problem for you or a psychological problem for your child. For a terrific article on the value of joint legal custody, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Custody
Posted in Life After Divorce, Moving On | No Comments »

Finding a Schedule that Fits Your Family

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

Now that you understand what your children are the divorce, you are ready to being thinking about creating a parenting plan that will work for both parents and is optimal to meet your children’s needs.

What Are Our Legal Options for Raising Our Children After Divorce?

Increasingly, personnel associated with the courts are in accord that the terms used to connote parenting arrangements after divorce– custody, access, and visitation — are antiquated and pernicious. harkens back to a time when children were parents’ property, and suggests that one parent is more of a visitor than a family member. These terms are being replaced with new ones such as “decision making responsibility” and “parenting plans”, which emphasize parental responsibilities over their rights. Nevertheless, the older terms are still in use and need to be understood. Legal and physical custody are the primary designations after divorce. Technically, custody means the safe caring of a child. The courts have the power to confer both legal and physical custody. Click here for an article on legal custody options.

Legal Custody

The parent or parents with legal custody have the legal right to make major decisions regarding the child. Major decisions typically refer to those pertaining to the child’s health, education, and welfare. Commonly specified types of decisions include: religious upbringing and education, choice of schools and/or special education decisions, medical decisions such as elective surgery, choice of doctors, and whether or not to have a child receive mental health counseling and/or medications. In sole legal custody, one parent has primary decision making rights. In joint legal custody, such decision making is shared. For an article on legal custody, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Custody
Posted in Life After Divorce, Moving On | No Comments »

Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

Thursday, June 3rd, 2010

Other adults can be resources for both you and your children. As soon as the separation occurs, it is important that you inform your children’s teachers so that they may be prepared for any change in behavior that may occur. Have the teachers keep an eye on your children. Inform your children’s friends’ parents, as well, so they can keep in mind that your children will be undergoing many changes and stressors. They can be an extra pair of ears, eyes, and a sympathetic presence. You may also want to inquire about possible support groups at your children’s school for children with divorcing parents. These groups tend not to carry a social stigma anymore, and are helpful in creating a place for children to share their experiences with other children who have recently undergone a similar change. Sharing stories, thoughts, and feelings can be invaluable to the process that you and your children will undergo. Self-help groups for children and parents are proven effective for creating a sense of community during a lonely and stressful time for people who desire support, but don’t need or want therapy. Click here for an article on creating joy in kids.

Will My Children Be Okay in a Divorced Family?

Parents often ask the question “will my children be disadvantaged being raised in a divorced family?” One of the benefits of a divorced family is that your children are no longer exposed to the tension and conflict that marked their experience of living with both parents. Children’s responses to their new status is often dependent upon how the parents view their new status. If you as parent have a positive view of the future, this will significantly help your children adjust to and accept the new situation. Your children will have an early introduction to the emotional effects of loss and separation. This can cause long lasting pain and insecurity. However, it also can be a valuable learning experience that will help them build resilience to life transitions and hardships. Children in divorced families have the opportunity to learn that relationships change, that their parents also change over time. Your experience may also show your children that they need not accept a circumstance in which they are unhappy, abused, or feel empty, that they can effect change in their lives for the better. Click here for more tips on helping children with divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Moving On, Staying Positive, Support Group
Posted in Emotions During Divorce, Life After Divorce, Self Care, Self Esteem | No Comments »

Be Positive About Your New Family Identity

Tuesday, June 1st, 2010

Today some adults are discovering that the single parent role is one of choice, and not of a transitional phase between partners or marriages. Single parent families are different than nuclear two-parent families in that there is only one care-taking parent in each home, who operates with fewer resources and often less income. The demands and challenges placed on single parents and their children can make this family unit more supportive of each other and close knit. If you as leader of a single parent family maintain a positive attitude toward the future, viewing it as an unknown but welcome surprise, your children will find life exciting and full of promise. On the other hand, if you feel that separation and divorce confer a sense of shame and embarrassment, it is likely that the children will see themselves as less well-off than two parent families. Click here for an article on staying positive as you rebuild after divorce

During the process of exploring your own identity, your children can learn not only to support you, but also to share in your new experiences with you. You may find that your children are proud to have a parent who is capable of maintaining a single household, who is also interesting and adventurous to be with as a person. Of course there will be times when the burdens and responsibilities get you down, and when you resent the demands that your children place upon you. If this happens, take some time out. Get emotional support from your friends and your family. Do something fun that does not involve the children. Click here for a video with some great tips for how to stay positive after divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Moving On, New Identity, Re-building Your Family, Staying Positive
Posted in Life After Divorce | No Comments »

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Archive for the ‘Life After Divorce’ Category

Can I Relocate?

Parenting Plans for Toddlers

Parenting Plans: The First Year of Life

Some Common Shared Parenting Schedules

Developing a Schedule for Living Arrangements

Physical Custody

Joint Legal Custody

Finding a Schedule that Fits Your Family

Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

Be Positive About Your New Family Identity