Mediation Blog » Legal Separation

What to Expect When You Separate

admin — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:00:09 +0000

The family that your children have known is about to undergo tremendous change. Divorce research has shown that children are rarely informed about their parents’ pending separation and divorce prior to its occurrence. The younger the children, the less chance that they were told in advance about the divorce. Click here for a terrific article on getting your children through your divorce.

Parents’ reasons for not informing their children are well intentioned. They are anxious and afraid themselves, and they have difficulty figuring out when and what to say. Some parents fear burdening their children if they say too much. Others are concerned that their children won’t understand the reasons, and that the information will add to their hurt unnecessarily. Sometimes parents wait until the time seems right, and then events gather momentum, and the opportunity has slipped away. All of these reasons that parents wait to tell their children are understandable, but they are not helpful. Your children need to know. In fact, it will make the divorce more predictable to them, which will facilitate their healthy adaptation.

How Do We Tell the Children?

The first step in informing your children about the separation and divorce is for you and your spouse to sit down and talk about it by yourselves. Decide if you are definite about separating; it is not helpful for your children to hear that you might do this. Once you have reached a decision, make an agreement about where the children will live and what kind of parenting plan your spouse and you will implement, at least on a temporary basis. You are then ready to speak to the children about your decisions.

A family meeting is a good forum to tell your children about your decisions. There are several advantages for your children if both of you can tell them together of your plans. Children will see that you intend to cooperate and work together as parents. It gives the messages that although this is a painful turn of events, we will deal with it together. Also, we can talk about it. The invitation exists to talk about undesirable subjects. By logical extension, feelings and actions of all kinds are acceptable fodder for discussion. Most of all, your actions show the children that you, as parents, are in charge and will continue to care together for them.

The first thing to tell the children is that you will be divorcing. You may want to say: “We have been unhappy for a long time because we fight so much. We have tried very hard to get along better and to work things out, but we have decided it is necessary to live apart. It is our best chance of preserving our friendship. We have decided to separate. We have decided that Mom/Dad will move out.” Click here for an article on how to tell your children about your divorce.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Legal Issues During the Waiting Period

admin — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 12:00:57 +0000

During the waiting period, you begin to resolve each of the issues germane to divorce. You are thus working toward a fair settlement for the post-divorce period. Two categories of issues must be resolved: financials, and if you have children, issues related to legal custody and parenting arrangements.

Financials

alimony or spousal support
personal property
division of liquid assets: cash, stock, and bank accounts
division of retirement accounts and pensions, stock options and less liquid assets
whether or not to sell the house and other real estate
who will keep the house and other real estate if it is not to be sold
tax issues
child support, medical insurance, and tax exemptions for children

Parenting Related

legal custody and parenting schedules
special provisions concerning children: medical expenses, college, extracurricular activities, private school and the like

Considerations Before Settling

what do you believe is in the best interests of your children?
can you handle all of your new responsibilities?
have you considered all of the tax ramifications?
have you considered the mix of assets you’ll be receiving: liquid vs. non-liquid, and does the settlement meet your immediate needs?
does the settlement set you on the right path for your long term needs?
can you live with the proposed settlement, even though your not completely satisfied?
will a trial cost more emotionally and financially than what you hope to gain?
if you cannot settle, will what you’re fighting about matter in 5 years?

Agree upon what to tell family and friends so that there is no misunderstanding about what the living arrangement signifies.

Making sure you are prepared and know all your options will help things go much more smoothly for you and your family. Be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at

http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php. For basic divorce information, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Staying Together While Separated

admin — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 12:00:32 +0000

There are psychological and practical advantages and disadvantages to staying in the same house. The advantages include saving money, having time to organize your lives for an easier separation, having time to talk to your children, and providing support to each other on a daily basis. This way of living requires a friendly situation at best, or one in which tensions are squelched for your own or your children’s benefit. If your situation is not civil, however, it is complicated and painful to face each other every day and manage the ’good face’ that such arrangements require. Staying in a tension-filled living situation can exacerbate stress and magnify the ways in which spouses annoy and frustrate each other. For some tips on getting through living together during your separation and divorce, see http://get-divorce-advice.com/separated-but-living-together-how-to-get-through-it/.

Certain situations support separating sooner rather than later. If your spouse is continuously putting you down, berating you, abusing you, or manipulating you into being frightened, meek, or withdrawn from family and friends, then staying in the house is likely to have negative consequences for your children and for you. If your spouse is involved in illegal activities, or is self-destructive, such as a compulsive gambler or cheat, then staying can only have negative consequences unless you both get professional help. If your spouse has a disabling mental illness that causes him or her to act erratically in ways that could put you or your children in danger, that is a painful but potentially necessary reason for leaving. Finally, if your spouse is hurting your children in any way, then leaving immediately must be seriously considered.

Separating might be a temporary solution. Sometimes just taking this action breaks old patterns like taking each other for granted. It introduces fear, and provides an opportunity to experience what life will be like without each other. Is it relieving, barely noticed, or does it compel you to re-think all of your reasons for leaving? If you separate, you must stick with it long enough to pass through the immediate aftermath — the loneliness, demands, threats, promises for change, and bouts of intimacy that wreak havoc in the early separation period.

Ellen and Harry lived in the same home during their divorce process. Harry set up a bedroom in the basement, and the children moved freely between the two floors on which their parents lived. They each planned to stay out of the home on alternating evenings, so that they did not interact except when the children were asleep. Despite this plan, mounting tensions during the legal process were taking their toll, especially on Harry. He felt he did not have a real home, and that the children did not respect his being ’banished’ to the basement. Harry reported feeling depressed and anxious, to the point that he was not managing himself successfully in the workplace. He wondered if the money he was saving was worth it, and whether being with his children in this way ultimately undermined his relationship with them. For more legal separation tips, see http://www.womansdivorce.com/separation-advice.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com