If you are dating someone, if you have had an affair, if you have had a drug or alcohol problem, or anything else that find be embarrassing, or potentially undermining of your case, tell your lawyer about it. All the discussions with your lawyer are confidential. If you ask your lawyer not to reveal these items to anyone else, your lawyer will not disclose. Even if you feel some facts are unfavorable to you, it is better to put them on the table with your lawyer and deal with them. It would not be possible for your lawyer to address a situation adequately at the time of a trial if he or she the lawyer has not been able to prepare for it.

Consider the following situation: A young woman was trying to get custody of her son who she claimed had been kidnapped by her ex-husband. She seemed very straightforward and earnest, and her lawyer prepared the necessary papers to attempt to get the child back. At the hearing which was held several weeks later, her lawyer learned for the first time under direct examination by the opposing attorney that she was a pornographic movie star–and she’d voluntarily given the child to her ex-husband to care for while she got her life in order. Unfortunately, she had not shared this information in advance. Her lawyer was unable to describe the events in a favorable light. The client took a huge chance that her job and lapse in judgment by giving up the child would not come up in questioning and that if they did, that the judge would not care. As it turned out, the judge was very conservative. He questioned her moral character, and was upset that she had lied to the court about what she did for a living and the circumstances under which the child had ended up with the ex-husband. The judge not only took custody away from her, but he suspended her visitation completely pending further investigation by the court.

Not all hearings are quite so dramatic, but it’s better that your lawyer knows about a situation which you may find potentially embarrassing in advance.

For a good article on communicating with your lawyer, see  http://www.aaml.org/go/library/publications/divorce-manual-a-client-handbook/divorce-manual-7-lawyerclient-communication/. Also, be as prepared as possible with the information you will need to share. See the articles, plans and checklist available at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Suspicion about money hiding sometimes carries over into suspicions about other aspects of your spouse’s behavior. Unlike finances, proving fault issues, or dishonesty in the relationship, may not have concrete implications for the divorce. It may confirm or cause you to re-evaluate your opinion of your spouse, but conducting illicit searches can be emotionally satisfying, yet only minimally productive, legally. Consider carefully whether you really need to know what you are trying to learn about your spouse. If you decide to proceed with an investigation, personally or through a private detective, remember that lying down with dogs can give you fleas. Besides, fault is typically of secondary importance to the court. Spending money on a private investigator to establish fault issues is usually a poor investment. If you must proceed, here are some tips.

If you think that your spouse is having an affair, or has a secret business partner, the first place to look is your old phone bills. Are there numbers you don’t recognize?  You can determine to whom the phone numbers belong through an internet search. One such website is located at:  http://www.infospace.com.

If you feel that it is absolutely necessary, you can follow your spouse in the car, call at odd times at work, or ask your friends to help you out. Obviously, do not attempt such tracking if you think your spouse could become violent. Consider the ramifications in any case, because if you are wrong and your spouse finds out what you are doing, trust is gone and you will be on the defensive. If you or your attorney feel that you need to accumulate this evidence, however, consider doing the sleuthing yourself. You may be able to see with your own eyes what you would pay a hefty fee to a private detective to see. Obviously, don’t do anything illegal or dangerous.

When should I think about hiring a professional detective?    

When your financial picture or personal situation is complicated, ( i.e., you know that your spouse makes a great deal of money but you have no savings to show for it, or a large bank account has “disappeared” and you can’t find any evidence of where the money went using the techniques outlined above), you may want to hire a private detective or asset searcher who can run a computer check on your spouse’s social security number, name and date of  birth to determine if he or she has bank accounts in this country or abroad. Such procedures are expensive, however, costing upwards of  $750.00 for each search. Searching for any amount under $5,000 is probably not worth it. The bottom line should be whether uncovering additional money is critical to your standard of living, rather than satisfying a psychological determination to trap your spouse.

There is no substitute for talking with your own lawyer and making an informed decision about how to proceed. If you are not sure where to get started, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.