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Archive for the ‘Emotions During Divorce’ Category

New York Times Explores No-Fault Divorce

Friday, February 19th, 2010

Today, marriage and family therapist Ruth Bettelheim wrote a terrific Op-Ed piece for the New York Times exploring the effects of 40 years of no-fault divorce in our country.

She explains: “In an adversarial custody battle, no one wins, but children are the biggest losers of all. Intelligent legislation could promote the one thing that children of divorce need most: peace between their parents.”

Peace between divorcing parents is the goal of Peace Talks Mediation Services and the theme of our second book, “Making Divorce Work.” Click here to read this excellent article.

Tags: Conflict Management, Mediated Divorce, Moving On, Protecting Children
Posted in Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Mediation, No Fault Divorce, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Hyperventilating yet? This season is supposed to be a time of abundance, but it might be that the only abundant thing in your life right now is a lot of “supposed to’s.” You’re supposed to be brimming with generous spirit, living it up at all of your friends’ holiday parties, be turning over a new leaf at New Year’s, and your family is supposed to be all together, knocking each others’ socks off with a frenzy of gifts and a big meal. Those expectations inevitably lead to a big let down when you feel like you’ve totally overdone it or you’re disappointed you didn’t have enough.

This season more frightening than fun for many people, and especially for separated couples. Negotiating changes that involve children are even worse. The basic tenets that you’re using to create a peaceful divorce are especially powerful for solving problems right now. Before you’re sucked deeper into holiday hysteria, become clear on how you are going to handle the challenges that arise and what outcome you want to create.

Communicate
If you and your spouse have not settled on how to handle the holidays, don‘t wait any longer. Schedule a time to speak with them, and your mediator if necessary, to work out a plan that you can both stick to and get it in writing. Be prepared for the conversation by being calm, ready to listen, and willing to be hard on the problem, not the person. Don’t give your kids a reason to feel like they’re the cause of the conflict; their added stress is going to escalate the difficulty for everyone.

Manage Expectations
Be ready to have the awkward conversations with your kids about how where they’ll be and what they’ll be doing will be different this year. Ideally, you and your spouse can look at your children’s wish lists together and decide what you’ll be buying so that you don’t overlap or be anxious over how much the other is spending. It will also help your kids to understand ahead of time if they’re getting one thing off their list from each parent this year instead of three things from both of you like they have in the past.

Focus on Positive Outcomes
Last month I blogged about how to create a mission statement specifically for getting through the holidays. Go back to your goals – seeing people you love (while avoiding those you don’t), turning down the drama, etc. Acknowledge the people in your support network by giving back however you can; it’ll make you feel better too.

To read more about how to manage high expectations during the holidays, click here and here.

Tags: children of divorce, Dealing with Your Spouse, Lifestyle Changes, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

Who to Lean On

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Manage the bulk of your anxiety through family and friends who are supportive, and turn to a mental health professional when your friends’ reassurance is insufficient to keep you focused on your own life rather than on your spouse’s. But use your lawyer only for legal questions. Call your lawyer to get help with “whats” and “hows” of the divorce, but calling him or her to report your spouse’s bad behavior is an inappropriate use that will only cost you money. Anticipating your spouse’s strategies in negotiations should be useful in helping you to practice backing up your choices with facts, examples, or alternatives. But try to spend your time planning, not in worrying about “What if she won’t let me have the kids enough time?” That kind of call to your lawyer evokes anger or frustration when the lawyer cannot fix your situation, and rarely leads to successful strategizing.

This time may be filled with a dawning awareness of the less glamorous aspects of divorce. Your quiet home now seems empty, lonely. You never realized how difficult it would be to get all three of your children to their activities without someone else to pick up Jamie at the middle school, be home when Mike calls for a ride, or get Susie to dance class, all within one hour of each other. This period often leads to re-questioning the desirability of the divorce. Couples who are acting civilly with each other in efforts to be cooperative may experience “mini-reconciliations.” These brief interludes do not last for most couples, as they slip back into the patterns that led them to divorce in the first place. They do, however, provide temporary respite during the long waiting process. When these reconciliations fail, people may emerge with renewed vigor to get the divorce over with, and become angry and frustrated with their lawyers and the legal process when it slows them down. Prepare yourself as much as possible by reading some good books about divorce (see http://www.peace-talks.com/books.php). Also, visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php for good articles, plans and checklists.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Creating a Support System, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

How Do I Manage My Anxiety at this Time?

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

As discussed earlier in this chapter, most states have a mandatory waiting period before people can be divorced, even if both parties have completely resolved all of their issues. This period is sometimes referred to as a “cooling off” period, ostensibly designed so that people do not make hasty decisions to divorce. While you are waiting, a pervasive anxiety is natural. Anxiety is a nonspecific, persistent feeling of uneasiness in its milder form; a more intense version is filled with dread and fears. This period of the unknown is when most people turn off the trail of a rational divorce and begin bushwhacking through unmarked territory. Such stumbling about can lead you to spend many wasted hours feeling lost, frightened, and looking for a way back to the familiar.

Use this period to plan rather than to plot. Fill it with the productive work that leads to negotiation. Make your lists of assets, property, debts, and future desires. Get your priorities straight, knowing what you can and cannot live without in terms of living arrangements, money and property issues.

Set up and try interim agreements with your spouse, so that you learn what really matters to you. However, do not try various arrangements too flippantly. In many cases, post-divorce financial and child-related arrangements, yet to be discussed, are remarkably similar to the interim agreements couples set. Such agreements often lead to decisions by parents, and by the courts, that favor consistency and maintenance of current conditions, rendering it difficult to effect a major change. If you have agreed to pay $500 per month for alimony in the interim period, your claim that you cannot afford that amount will be difficult to prove subsequently.

One characteristic of the legal system that riddles this period with anxiety is that the legal process is slow, especially compared to individual desires to “get this over with as soon as possible.” You will feel on some weeks that nothing is happening in your case. Check in with your spouse and attorney. Perhaps there is some way you could help speed up the process, maybe documents are needed that you could amass more quickly, or perhaps there is nothing that can be done at this time and your spouse is working on his or her part. Knowing the status of your case and what to expect in terms of timing should help. For some common sense care for anxiety, see http://www.holisticonline.com/Remedies/Anxiety/anx_common_sense.htm. For 9 tips for managing anxiety without drugs, see http://www.johnshopkinshealthalerts.com/reports/depression_anxiety/1156-1.html.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Mediated Divorce
Posted in Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

Living Together During or After Divorce

Monday, July 13th, 2009

The Wall Street Journal published an article today about staying together after you get divorced, or staying together while the divorce is going on.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124743668592229179.html

Nice idea, in principal. Right? It’s cheaper, you don’t have to worry about changing the kids’ schedules, you keep your same mailing address……

But what this article, and the similar article which appeared in the New York Times on December 30, 2008, failed to mention was that the time of separation and divorce can be a very difficult time for the participants. Even for families which are not involved in chronic domestic violence, it is not uncommon for there to be 1 or 2 isolated incidents of violence surrounding the decision to divorce.

Are we sure that’s worth the money?

A client called last week and said, “We got into a fight and [spouse] slapped me. I called the police, and the police arrested [spouse]. Now what do I do?” This same client had called the week before complaining that he/she didn’t see how their mediation could be completed for the average amount of fees which we quote clients. Now the cost of mediation is a drop in the bucket—-spouse had to be bailed out of jail, there’s a restraining order, and one or both spouses will need an attorney. I’ll bet that spouse is no longer interested in settling through mediation, so the new divorce lawyers will easily cost 3 times the amount of money that client was worried about just a week prior. And let’s not forget that all of this went down in front of the parties’ children.

So is it really about money? At this point, I fail to see the savings.

Likewise, the Los Angeles Times has a similar article in today’s paper:

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As a 20 year divorce professional (litigator turned mediator) I worry that in an effort to save a couple of bucks that people are putting themselves in danger. And if it’s not physical danger, per se, what about what the children are witnessing? Are these parents who are staying together really perfect role models for how adults should handle conflict? I sure hope so, but somehow I doubt it.

Let’s not forget that an overwhelming number of non-gang-related homocides are [former or current] romantic partners. Remember the fellow who dressed as Santa and killed half of his wife’s family last Christmas? He was her ex husband.

My observation of “I can’t afford it” is really “I don’t value it so I’m not going to spend money on it”. Remember when you shared an apartment with 2 other people in college? Or you clipped coupons to make ends meet because your first job paid $5 an hour?

Staying together in the same house while you’re getting divorced may work for some folks, but for those it does not work for, it is a disaster.

Posted in Conflict Management, Cost of Divorce, Creative Problem Solving, Divorce and Your House, Emotions During Divorce, Filing for Divorce, Legal Issues, Life After Divorce, Property Division | Comments Off

Casting Notice for Divorce TV Show

Friday, July 10th, 2009

This company is NOT affiliated with Peace Talks Mediation Services, but I thought I’d post this on the blog in case someone is interested:

Here’s the official Casting Notice:

Are you, or someone close to you recently divorced, or currently going through a divorce? Are you looking to pull together and improve your situation by moving forward? What kind of emotional toll is the breakup of your marriage taking on your home, work, and social life? Do you feel like people in your life – friends, family members – must take sides in your marital war? If divorce is affecting your life right now, we want to hear from you.

Producers are searching for divorced or divorcing couples to participate in a new show, both parties should be willing to share their story openly and honestly with the world. We are interested in private relationships which, for many complex reasons, have broken down. 2 adults who have already tried hard to hold onto their marriage, and are at the end of the road. There will be a focus on the positive side of life after the divorce is finalized. Please send photos, location, emails, phone numbers, and a summary of the relationship history to our casting department.

Thanks in advance for your time, and please feel free to pass my contact info and/or email to whomever you feel is appropriate.

Best,

Tracy Powell

Development Producer

Escalate TV

Cell: 407-284-7320

E: tracypowell@gmail.com

Posted in Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Fault in Divorce, Life After Divorce | Comments Off

Am I Ready to Start the Emotional Divorce Process?

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Before you get started with your divorce proceedings, make sure you have your emotions in check. Being sure you are emotionally prepared will make a huge positive difference in how you experience your divorce itself, and also your life after the proceedings are finished. Check in with yourself and remind yourself of the following:

I know that my feelings will be complicated during this process, and I may be tempted to change my mind many times about decisions made.
I am ready to examine my feelings and to resolve them, not to let them negatively influence my decisions in my legal divorce.
I know that even in an amicable divorce, some conflict is inevitable, and I am committed to learning new ways to communicate with my spouse so that we are able to resolve the end of our marriage as peacefully as possible.
I am committed to cooperating with my spouse in resolving issues which affect both of us, and I need to be forthright about informing my spouse of my decisions and the rationales behind them.
I am emotionally ready to follow through on the legal requirements to obtain my divorce. If the divorce is not my choice, I am committed to accepting my spouse=s decision, and doing what is best for myself and my children legally and emotionally.

Come back to this checklist often throughout your divorce to help preserve your peace of mind.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Personal Assessment
Posted in Emotions During Divorce, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Managing Anger

Monday, June 15th, 2009

Consider whether you can manage your anger without getting into an unproductive discussion with your spouse. If you are not getting along well, try to avoid only speaking when you are bringing up something you are unhappy about. When you really need to discuss something and you think there is a chance of improving the mood between the two of you, then continue to try and discuss issues calmly. For a host of information on fighting and conflict, see http://cmhc.utexas.edu/booklets/fighting/fighting.html.

Know what you want to get out of the conversation. What do you want to have happen? Don’t just blow off steam. Express your anger directly about the way he treats you in front of the children, or the fact that you are angry about her affair. Be clear about whether you are looking for an apology, a change in behavior, or empathy for your position.

Prepare your argument. Know what you want to say and when you will say it. Keep your arguments private; try to keep the children and others around you from becoming uncomfortably aware of your problems. You do not need affirmation that you are right, nor do you need others to see what a jerk your spouse is being. These moments are about the two of you, and they will be resolved easier if they stay that way.

Practice the art of fighting fair. Talk about the problem, not the other person. Make this discussion focus on an issue, not a personality. Then practice being assertive and direct with each other. Be firm without provoking the other through sarcasm, raising your voice, angry body language (such as moping, rolling your eyes), or coming home an hour later than you said you would). Look at your spouse, speaking calmly and slowly, without wild hand gestures. Listen when your spouse is talking. Ask questions before you jump to conclusions. Repeat what your spouse just said in slightly different words and ask if you understood the whole message. State clearly what is bothering you, what you need and want. For an article on negotiation and fair fighting, see http://peaceful-parenting.suite101.com/article.cfm/negotiation_and_fair_fighting_for_families.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger
Posted in Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

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Archive for the ‘Emotions During Divorce’ Category

New York Times Explores No-Fault Divorce

Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

Who to Lean On

How Do I Manage My Anxiety at this Time?

Living Together During or After Divorce

Casting Notice for Divorce TV Show

Am I Ready to Start the Emotional Divorce Process?

Managing Anger