Your child’s initial reaction is most likely to be denial mixed with tears and fears. Common responses include “How can you let this happen?”, “How could you do this to me?”, and “Isn’t there something you can do to be happier together?” Younger children tend to deny, refusing to believe what they are being told. It is not uncommon for a young child to seemingly accept the divorce easily, without adverse reaction. The child may be young enough not to understand what it means, and this could work in their favor. Some young children will have questions and concerns that surface after a brief time. Others may not have concerns until they are older. Leave the door open for discussion, and monitor your child’s behavior carefully. If there is no reaction at the present time, so be it. Wallerstein reports that some young children adapt to divorce over time better than older children, since their limited understanding and experience with life prior to the divorce buffers them from some of the intense negative responses.
Older children cry and beg their parents not to split up. Many children are shocked, saying they had no idea the divorce was coming. Others say they are not surprised because Mom and Dad were fighting so much prior to the announcement. Whether or not they suspected does not seem to ease the way. It just allows kids to outwardly cope better, at least at first. Click here for a great article on children’s reactions to divorce.
When the shock wears off, it is usually followed by fear, anger and grief. Even when one parent was abusive, drinking too much, or not home enough, most children want the marriage to work out. As the feeling of loss sets in, children become anxious about what will become of them and, sometimes, they worry about the parent they perceive to be more vulnerable. Loneliness is pervasive among children in divorce situations because the parents they always turned to are no longer neutral about anything. If parents do not actively encourage their kids to talk about their experience, the children may try to protect parents from feelings which they perceive to be an additional burden for the parent. They figure the parent has enough upset of their own. Click here for an article on helping your children cope.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
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