Mediation Blog » Emotions During Divorce

Other Options for Victims of PAS

admin — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:00:46 +0000

If you have not done so already, you can request an evaluation in order to clearly demonstrate that the alienation has occurred and is being reinforced through the other parent. For an article on the signs of PAS, click here.

You can request therapeutic intervention. The therapist will work with the alienated parent and child, separately and together, to reunite them gradually. For more information, click here.

One of the sad aspects about alienation is that forcing your child to see you when he doesn’t want to often just reinforces his view of you as an ogre or a bully. Your efforts are invariably “misunderstood” through negative misinterpretation or attribution of intent. Even if the court forces your child to see you, it may not improve your relationship. A therapeutic route is always a better bet than a legal one. However, often you cannot change your child’s opinions, no matter what you try. You may then have to wait it out. Keep in contact from a distance, dropping notes or calling occasionally to remind your child that you care, that you are abiding by his or her wishes, but that you want things to be different. It may take years, but if you have been wronged, children generally figure this out on their own. It is sad to both of you when you realize you have wasted precious time, but your child will appreciate how you hung in, and will feel loved and appreciated. This seems like a meager reward compared to what you endured, but in the end, you are likely to find each other again.

The rejected parent isn’t always so pure and wronged, however. Parents whose children have been turned against them have generally contributed to the situation by acting in demanding, controlling, arrogant, or selfish ways that lend support to the other parent’s accusations. Examine your reflection carefully in the mirror. Are you ready to understand your role in what has happened? Children rarely turn on a parent so completely without some provocation, unless the alienating parent is so vulnerable that the child must support that parent to maintain her coping, to whatever minimal extent it is operating. In the latter situation, it is difficult to fight such strong influences. The passage of time, patience, and consistently nurturing behavior can amass the power to turn around such complex, ingrained dynamics.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

admin — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 12:00:50 +0000

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part. In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

admin — Thu, 28 Oct 2010 12:00:41 +0000

The evaluator will be interested in the structure that a parent provides for a child, the ability to provide clear boundaries and firm but fair discipline, in addition to the nurturing and caretaking abilities. Ideally, the evaluator will hope to see a blend of structure, warmth and affection shown to the child. This combination optimizes parenting. During every stage of your divorce it’s important for you to assess the quality and degree of your parenting devotion and involvement, for you to use this time as an opportunity to increase the time you spend, and enhance your relationship with your children. However, in the event of a custody dispute, you will continually and consistently want to demonstrate your best capacities and attitudes. For an article on the needs of divorced children, click here.

A controversial issue in children’s care is whether or not a parent’s work hours is a detriment to his/her case. Nowadays, many young children spend time in day care, and this is not a negative factor in itself. On the other hand, if one parent is much more available than the other parent to spend time with the children, you need to take a hard look at why there is a custody battle between you.

Current circumstances are most important to the court, but if you or your spouse have engaged in past behaviors that were severe enough to impair your judgment and ability to parent, these matters can also be considered by the court. Such behaviors may include losing your temper with the other parent or your child and acting rashly and harshly, especially if it was done in sight of witnesses whom the other parent will now enlist in his/her behalf. More extreme examples include ongoing verbal or physical abuse of the other parent, the children, or even pets.

If this describes you, you will want to be able to state clearly how your past behavior does not relate to the present situation, and how you have changed. If this pertains to your spouse, and is ongoing, document in as much detail as you can what the past problem was, including any supporting materials such as police reports, doctors reports, child abuse reports, and so forth. You will also need to be able to explain why this past behavior impacts your spouse’s current ability to be a good parent. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Emotional Ties between Parents and Children

admin — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 12:00:59 +0000

The most important part of the evaluation for most evaluators is observing how each parent relates to their children. Click here for an article on bonding. The court will consider relationships between each parent and child, past and present, with an emphasis on the present. The evaluator will assess how close, or “bonded” the child is to each parent to determine who is the primary caretaker in the child’s life. All children need at least one primary person, although they can easily be attached to two or more people. The primary person is typically the one who has spent more time with the child, but this is not always the case. It is generally judged to be the person to whom the child turns when ill, upset, or tired. It is the person who takes off from work to do not only the routine care of the child, but the emergency care, as well. In your family, who disciplines the child on a regular basis is a crucial element, especially for children old enough to get into trouble when parents exert insufficient, inappropriate, or ineffective discipline. If you feel that your bonding with the child has diminished over time, take this opportunity to renew your connections. Bear in mind that all parents and children experience ebbs and flows of emotional connection over the course of the child’s development. This is an essential part of growing up and becoming an autonomous being. Click here for a great article on the bonding process.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

What if We Can’t Agree?

admin — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 12:00:58 +0000

Once you understand the emotional issues and possible variations of parenting schedules, it will begin to become clearer to you whether or not you and your spouse are headed toward a custody dispute. Because divorce is a time of great emotional turmoil and feelings of loss, sometimes parents are afraid that they will lose their children. Both you and your spouse will be spending less time with the children (in the rare case when a spouse disappears, of course, this would not be true), but in all likelihood, you will continue to have sufficient quality time with your children, and you will also have some free time for yourself. While this may not sound attractive in the middle of your divorce, soon afterwards you may be grateful for a little bit of adult time to pursue your own interests. Most parents, given time and the place to talk, are able to resolve disputes about their children. Sometimes, however, they need help. Click here for a parenting plan overview. Another terrific article is listed here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Parenting Plans for the Teen Years

admin — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:00:42 +0000

Teens are interested in sexuality, individuality, peer involvement, and achieving independence. Their primary tasks are to come to terms with their changing bodies and changing moods. Social responsibility and adopting a moral code of behavior are crucial challenges that usher in the beginnings of adulthood. Although children at this stage are notorious for pushing their parents away, they need you to hang tough with them in order to feel secure. Let them push but you stay firm. They want to be heard and consulted about all aspects of parenting arrangements. They want the freedom to move between houses, sometimes to change their primary residence. Whether such moves are in their best interest depends upon the reasons and timing of their request: is this a chance to identify with the other parent and acquire some psychological space from the parent they feel most dependent on, or are they looking for lax rules and little supervision? Children at this age often believe they are more mature than they are, so be advised to gather input but to maintain final decision making authority. For excellent, free resources to help you create a parenting plan, click here.

During this time, the schedules for younger children may still work well. But teens often request more spontaneity, drop in times, and flexibility. Teens can benefit from every weekend away if parents live close by to one another. If not, summers away are often welcomed by all involved. However, employment, girl/boyfriends, and special projects generally provide the guidelines around which sensitive parents must conform. Click here for more terrific information.

An Additional Note about Overnights

Despite the guidelines listed above, there are many children who can tolerate overnights sooner rather than later. The controversy about when and how often children can tolerate overnights is still just a theoretical argument. We just what kids can tolerate. Overnights provide an important means of parent involvement: bedtimes are special moments is a child’s day. Much discussion, cuddling, teaching, and sharing can take place around evenings or mornings. If you are a father or mother who: has been involved with your child from birth; knows your child’s needs and habits; has time to focus in on your child when he is in your care; and shares a mutual, loving bond recognizable to those who know your family—then overnights should not automatically be ruled out because your child is an infant or toddler.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Parenting Plans for Toddlers

admin — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:00:46 +0000

The second year of a baby’s life is dedicated to exploring and gaining confidence and familiarity with the world. To do this, the baby must feel secure enough in his or her environment that energies are available to commit to the tasks of seeking out a larger world. Care must be responsive and consistent, so that the baby begins to feel some sense of control over separations and reunions. Click here for more information.

Children at this age can spend daytime contacts away from the primary parent. Overnights are debatable. The team of experts brought together to study this issue for the state of Washington advised no overnights. Judith Solomon’s research indicated that for some toddlers, overnights were associated with signals of distress and less secure attachment to both figures in their life. In a follow-up report, she found that overnight visitation can disorganize a child’s attachment strategies, but such disorganization does not necessarily pervade the overall mother-child relationship. That is, the children may be more sensitive around separations, but this does not carry over to a longer term prognosis. Moreover, parents who have divorced early in their children’s life report that their child can spend overnights once or twice a week without exhibiting signs of distress. Since we do not know whether children will show stress symptoms later as a result of early separations, it is best to use caution in designing arrangements.

Two to three full days, non-consecutively placed, should work for many toddlers just starting visits. However, many children respond well to regular, full-time day care when such care is of high quality. Thus, children spending that time with another parent should theoretically be able to adapt as well.

Older Toddlers – The Third Year of Life

At this age, children are expressing their autonomy in more ways, actively initiating separations from parents to find out what else the world has to offer. They are discovering what is unique about them, how they are different and similar to other children around them. Children in this age group want to learn as much as they can about everything, and the world is their playground. In order to explore safely, they need consistent rules and limit setting, gentle but firm guidance, and assistance in managing their disappointments and frustrations when they hear the inevitable “No!”. Verbal explanations of parental behavior is important, as the children are using language increasingly to manage their own behavior and to understand how to respond to new situations and feelings.

Older toddlers can spend as much as 3 days with the non-primary parent. If the parent is familiar and an ongoing part of the child’s care, overnights are more likely to be successful. Consecutive nights are still not recommended, and more than 2 nights per week may be too taxing psychologically. A conservative route indicates that when the child is in the latter half of the third year, you introduce an overnight and see how the child manages. If this works, the you could try a second overnight later in the week, but be ready to back off if the child begins to send you distress signs. For a terrific article by Dr. Phil, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Surround Your Children with Other Adults Who Are Supportive

admin — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 12:00:48 +0000

Other adults can be resources for both you and your children. As soon as the separation occurs, it is important that you inform your children’s teachers so that they may be prepared for any change in behavior that may occur. Have the teachers keep an eye on your children. Inform your children’s friends’ parents, as well, so they can keep in mind that your children will be undergoing many changes and stressors. They can be an extra pair of ears, eyes, and a sympathetic presence. You may also want to inquire about possible support groups at your children’s school for children with divorcing parents. These groups tend not to carry a social stigma anymore, and are helpful in creating a place for children to share their experiences with other children who have recently undergone a similar change. Sharing stories, thoughts, and feelings can be invaluable to the process that you and your children will undergo. Self-help groups for children and parents are proven effective for creating a sense of community during a lonely and stressful time for people who desire support, but don’t need or want therapy. Click here for an article on creating joy in kids.

Will My Children Be Okay in a Divorced Family?

Parents often ask the question “will my children be disadvantaged being raised in a divorced family?” One of the benefits of a divorced family is that your children are no longer exposed to the tension and conflict that marked their experience of living with both parents. Children’s responses to their new status is often dependent upon how the parents view their new status. If you as parent have a positive view of the future, this will significantly help your children adjust to and accept the new situation. Your children will have an early introduction to the emotional effects of loss and separation. This can cause long lasting pain and insecurity. However, it also can be a valuable learning experience that will help them build resilience to life transitions and hardships. Children in divorced families have the opportunity to learn that relationships change, that their parents also change over time. Your experience may also show your children that they need not accept a circumstance in which they are unhappy, abused, or feel empty, that they can effect change in their lives for the better. Click here for more tips on helping children with divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Take Care of Yourself

admin — Thu, 27 May 2010 12:00:21 +0000

Once you have begun your divorce, the work of rebuilding your life has just begun. You will need to establish a consistent routine for yourself and your children that fits into your newly separated life. You will find this a demanding and disorganized time. The legal process in itself greatly adds to the stress. You have meetings to go to, paperwork to do, monetary matters to track, lawyers to meet with and to pay, and unless the divorce process is very amicable, all this happens against a backdrop of great uncertainty about the results of the process. Click here for nine tips for taking care of yourself after divorce.

Allow yourself to have some time each day or week, even if it is brief, which is time simply for you. You need to be aware of your own stress level, and be able to pause when you are feeling overwhelmed or exhausted. You may find that the household routine will require that you ask the children to do extra chores and tasks. You may need to ask neighbors, friends and family to help you at the commencement of your new lifestyle.

The single parent who is also employed or without previous social supports may find that the demands placed on him or her are overwhelming. Single parenting, like becoming a parent for the first time, is exhausting because you have so much to do, all of which needs to be done immediately. There is no one to give you a break, to take over when you are tired, or to give you support in dealing with the discipline or management of the children.

Yet with a sense of relief over having crossed the initial hurdles of separation and initiation of divorce proceedings, you may for the first time be able to organize and situate your life in a happier and healthier manner. The fact that you are solely in charge of running your home will enable you to establish what you want your home to be like and to feel like. Parents who are prepared to take risks, and try new behavior, will provide their children with a good example of positive coping with change and adversity. This will be a great advantage to your children as they develop. Click here for another terrific article.

Your children need to continue on with their own interests, friendships, and developmental growth spurts. They can do this easier and with less worry if they see you doing the same things for your own life. It is very important that they see you taking time to re-discover yourself. Besides, your children will not always need you in the same ways. When you have a full and active life that supports their growth, you will have an easier time letting go of them when it is appropriate to do so.

How do you stay consistent and on top of their needs while working on your own day-to-day existence? You keep them at the center of your life but you build many concentric circles of support and interest beyond just them. In this way, divorced parenting is not different from parenting in two parent families. You just have to work harder at it because there is not someone else reminding you to have a life. Allow yourself to be interesting and to have new hobbies. Be a person who tries new behaviors, re-examines her opinions, make mistakes. Your children will respect you and the fact that you are establishing a new more flexible and healthy family unit.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Other Considerations Regarding Children

admin — Tue, 11 May 2010 18:29:01 +0000

Overall boys more than girls tend to become symptomatic after divorce. They feel rejected by their fathers, or just suffer from less closeness to their parent of the same gender. Most children live with their mothers after divorce, and mothers have an easier time parenting their daughters, especially being authority figures to them when a firm hand of discipline is needed.

Across research samples, negative impacts of divorce on children are minimized and positive supports maximized when:

the parents are in less conflict with each other and are more cooperative to each other; and
the parents (especially the primary caretaker if there is one) maintain their ability to be nurturing and consistent caretakers; and
parent-child relationships are warm and close, with parents remaining parents and children remaining children; that is to say, that children do not take care of their parents or become primary supports for their parents and antidotes to their loneliness and sorrows. They are allowed to remain children, without the burdens of parental responsibilities and adult feelings.

Reducing familial conflict is key! If you, as the parents, are able to establish a good and cooperative relationship before the separation, then your children will have the advantage and experience of a parental relationship that is based on respect, cooperation and recognition of differences. For some families, the conflict and tension will continue during the separation period. If the fighting, arguing and bitterness drag on for a considerable length of time, it is inevitable that the children will develop difficulties which will become evident either at home or at school. Click here for more on divorce and children.

If you are the sole parent involved with your children, it is important for you to remain as loving and emotionally available, with a firm but appropriate hand when it comes to discipline, as you can muster. Involve other adults in your children’s life who can be positive influences on them. If your child has been rejected or abandoned by a parent, help them understand that this did not happen because of some failure or lack in them, but that the other parent is not ready or capable of being a parent to any child at the present time. Tell him this over and over, ad nauseum.

It is difficult to determine when it is best to encourage another parent to be involved, and when this is detrimental to your child. Encouragement is always useful. If you are pushing too hard, it is not likely to work out for the child. We cannot mandate, by law or guilt, that someone act like a parent. If a parent keeps disappointing your child, not showing up or calling when he says he will, AND if you are working too hard to keep this parent involved, let go. Find other men or women (as the case may be) to be close to your child. And leave the door open for a possible re-entry when the parent is ready. As angry as this will make you, it could be best for your child to have more contact with the parent at another point in time. Click here for more information on children’s responses to divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com