The second year of a baby’s life is dedicated to exploring and gaining confidence and familiarity with the world. To do this, the baby must feel secure enough in his or her environment that energies are available to commit to the tasks of seeking out a larger world. Care must be responsive and consistent, so that the baby begins to feel some sense of control over separations and reunions. Click here for more information.
Children at this age can spend daytime contacts away from the primary parent. Overnights are debatable. The team of experts brought together to study this issue for the state of Washington advised no overnights. Judith Solomon’s research indicated that for some toddlers, overnights were associated with signals of distress and less secure attachment to both figures in their life. In a follow-up report, she found that overnight visitation can disorganize a child’s attachment strategies, but such disorganization does not necessarily pervade the overall mother-child relationship. That is, the children may be more sensitive around separations, but this does not carry over to a longer term prognosis. Moreover, parents who have divorced early in their children’s life report that their child can spend overnights once or twice a week without exhibiting signs of distress. Since we do not know whether children will show stress symptoms later as a result of early separations, it is best to use caution in designing arrangements.
Two to three full days, non-consecutively placed, should work for many toddlers just starting visits. However, many children respond well to regular, full-time day care when such care is of high quality. Thus, children spending that time with another parent should theoretically be able to adapt as well.
Older Toddlers – The Third Year of Life
At this age, children are expressing their autonomy in more ways, actively initiating separations from parents to find out what else the world has to offer. They are discovering what is unique about them, how they are different and similar to other children around them. Children in this age group want to learn as much as they can about everything, and the world is their playground. In order to explore safely, they need consistent rules and limit setting, gentle but firm guidance, and assistance in managing their disappointments and frustrations when they hear the inevitable “No!”. Verbal explanations of parental behavior is important, as the children are using language increasingly to manage their own behavior and to understand how to respond to new situations and feelings.
Older toddlers can spend as much as 3 days with the non-primary parent. If the parent is familiar and an ongoing part of the child’s care, overnights are more likely to be successful. Consecutive nights are still not recommended, and more than 2 nights per week may be too taxing psychologically. A conservative route indicates that when the child is in the latter half of the third year, you introduce an overnight and see how the child manages. If this works, the you could try a second overnight later in the week, but be ready to back off if the child begins to send you distress signs. For a terrific article by Dr. Phil, click here.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
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