Mediation Blog » Divorce Preparation

Use of Therapists as Witnesses

admin — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 12:00:30 +0000

Asking your therapist to testify in court on your behalf, or to speak to a court-appointed evaluator, can greatly assist you in your case. Your therapist knows you well, and will be able to comment on your concerns about your children’s well-being, your efforts as a parent, and your problem-solving abilities. Judges typically find that therapists who testify on their own client’s behalf, and who do not testify about the other spouse if they have not interviewed him or her first hand, are helpful to the court. Click here for more information.

There are limitations and drawbacks to using a therapist to testify, however: your therapist probably has not met your spouse, and may not have met your children. He or she therefore can only comment on you, and not on someone that he or she has not met.

By calling your therapist to testify, you are waiving your therapist-patient privilege, i.e., the confidentiality of your discussions with your therapist. Prior to calling your therapist to testify on your behalf, everything that you and your therapist discussed was covered by a special doctor-patient privilege, and was confidential. Your therapist cannot be called to testify without your permission, except in a few very limited circumstances.

By calling your therapist to testify for you, you are giving your permission for your spouse or his or her attorney to question your therapist about your diagnosis, relationship, and treatment. Before you ask your therapist to testify for you, decide whether or not you feel comfortable giving up your confidentiality. Sometimes people are surprised by what they learn when their therapist testifies. If your therapist is not experienced in giving testimony, it is easy for him or her to be caught off guard by the opposing lawyer, and to have difficulty explaining to your advantage. Also, many very competent therapists will strongly encourage you to leave them out of the dispute, so that they can be most helpful to you in the ways for which they are best trained, and which is most respectful of the confidentiality of your relationship.

If the court-appointed evaluator wishes to speak to your therapist, you will also lose your confidentiality privilege. Under these circumstances, however, it is usually best to permit your therapist to speak to the evaluator unless there is a compelling reason to preserve the confidentiality of your relationship.

Unless and until you put your own mental health into question, your relationship with your therapist is strictly confidential.

For example, if you are claiming that you need alimony because you are unable to work because of a psychiatric disability, you have put your own mental health into question as part of your divorce case. In addition, most courts have determined that by pursuing a custody matter you have also voluntarily put your mental health into question, and therefore your prior therapeutic records may lose their protected status with respect to confidentiality. This is because your mental health is generally perceived to affect your parenting. Therefore when you make a custody claim, assume your mental health is necessarily involved. Click here for another terrific article.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Common Reactions of Young Children to Divorce

admin — Mon, 03 May 2010 12:00:40 +0000

Preschoolers indicate increased fears of abandonment. They regress to earlier stages of development; for example, they may begin soiling their pants or wetting their bed again if they had mastered that behavior a short time before. Your child who loved day care now clings to your leg, wailing piteously about your leaving. She may be more cranky. Or she may seem not to have noticed, her denial working perfectly for her. This can scare parents, but it will not hurt your child to take more time before dealing with the event. Denial is wonderfully undervalued in our culture: it can give us the time we need to martial our resources, allowing us to reach the next step. Young children take longer to cognitively and emotionally process complex relationships and events. Click here for more information on children’s reactions to divorce.

Early school age children (6-8 years) are more likely to express their reactions in sadness. They are likely to mourn through yearning, like Madame Butterfly waiting at the window to see her love return to her. Their fears are ones of deprivation rather than abandonment; will there be enough time, attention, and money for them to live as they always did? Symptoms are manifested in academic difficulties and concentration problems. Sleep and eating disturbances are common, as are psychosomatic complaints – headaches, stomach aches, bumps and bruises.

Your middle school child (9-12 years) is more likely to get angry than his younger siblings. This age is prone to loyalty conflicts, since friendships and teammates are just beginning to fully take over their imaginations and dominate their social world. This is the age most likely to become involved by their parents in the adults’ conflict, signing up for one side or the other, but eager to be on a team and to have a common threat to rally against. Due to their sensitivity in this arena, and to their greater abilities than their younger siblings to understand what is going on between the adults, they are used by parents to deliver messages, spy, or just report back. Click here for an article on what children need from you during your divorce

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Using Children as Pawns

admin — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 12:00:54 +0000

Using children as allies and pawns during separation and divorce is all too common. Parents who are feeling hurt, angry, or bitter, may want to tell the child intimate details about why the marriage broke down, to persuade the child to think and feel like they do. It is very reassuring to have your child agree with you and become furious at the other parent. It also is a way to cope with your jealousy and desire for revenge. Parents may thus coax a child through questions to spy on the other parent, to tell them stories about the activities and behavior of the other parent. There have even been cases when a parent will feign illnesses, or adopt psychological problems, in order to obtain the children’s loyalty against the other parent. There have also been cases where a parent will tell a child that the other parent does not really love him or want to be with him, but will want to see him a lot to hurt the caretaking parent. This hurts your child far more than it does the other parent. Click here for an article about children being used as pawns in divorce.

Children often feel loyalty to both parents, and they quickly pick up on what each parent wants to hear. As a result, they tell both sides some version of what they want to hear, sometimes elaborating on events, exaggerating comments, or altering the tone of the parent’s response, and thereby increasing the conflict between the parents. Using children as allies and pawns only confuses them. Researcher Janet Johnston has shown that such behavior has long-lasting, damaging effects on the children’s future development. Remember, it is you, not the children, who is divorcing. Don’t expect them to get divorced, too. In most situations it is not healthy for them to reject the other parent, expelling him or her from their life, even if you are doing so. Click here for another terrific article on this topic.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

What if Your Children Ask You Personal Questions?

admin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:00:16 +0000

What if your children ask you personal questions…whose fault is it? Did someone have an affair? Do you hate Daddy now? You must use your discretion to answer the questions in language and detail they can understand given their age. Do not lie; it will come back to haunt you. Do not use blaming language. Some examples may provide guidance:

Question: Whose fault is the divorce?

Parent to Six Year Old Child: Divorce happens because two people can’t work things out. Mommy and Daddy are each angry about different things, and it is no one’s fault.

Parent to Eight Year Old Child: When adults cannot get along and they decide to split up, everyone is angry and hurt because it is a very hard thing to do. Sometimes whose fault it is doesn’t matter; it is more important what we do in the future to try and stay friends.

Parent to Eleven Year Old Child: Getting a divorce isn’t about fault. It is true, as you know, that Daddy has a new girlfriend and that I am hurt about that. He shouldn’t have lied to us, but he is still a very loving Daddy. If you are upset with him about that, you should talk to him about it. Let him explain what he felt to you. It wasn’t right, but people make mistakes and we can still be friends if he is honest with us from now on.

Note that as your children get older, your answers can be more complex and more open. But do not give them information they didn’t already have, and do not tell them more than they want to hear. In the example above, the child already knew Daddy had moved in with a new woman. Click here for an article on questions children typically ask during divorce.

Initially, your children may not appear to understand what is happening, or may fail to ask the questions that you would expect from them. This is because they don’t want the separation to occur, and it may take time for them to accept even the smallest piece of information from you. Give your children a number of opportunities in the next few days and weeks to ask you questions about what is happening to the family. Encourage them to ask questions about what they fear most. You must not expect your children to understand the reasons and feelings why you separated, or to talk about their feelings in the same way as adults talk about their feelings. Children usually show their feelings through their behavior, which may change considerably at home, and at school, in the months after separation. Click here for an article on some common behavioral changes in children during divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Talking with Your Children

admin — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 12:00:14 +0000

Emphasize that you tried to work out your differences. Explain what you have done in simple terms: you have talked a lot, gone to counseling, or whatever else you have tried to do to save the marriage. The important message to convey is that this is a thoughtful decision, made with care and consideration for how painful it will be for the whole family.

Children need to be reminded concretely that they are not losing either of their parents. Tell them the obvious: that you both love them and will continue to love them. Parents divorce each other but they cannot and do not want to divorce their children. Reassure your children that they will have access to both parents, that they can spend time with the parent who is moving out during the week and/or on weekends. The time will start immediately, and they will be able to talk to the parent moving out on the telephone as often as they desire. Reassure your children that grandparents, aunts and uncles, other supportive friends and caretakers will remain present in their lives.

Your children will then need factual information. Explain to your children when their parent will be moving out; if possible, give your children information about where that parent will be living. If you have young children (six years or younger), they will be especially concerned about where they will eat and sleep, who will feed them and take care of them, and who will put them to bed and get them up in the morning. School age children will want information about what will change in their environment: where they will go to school, when they will see their friends, and assurance that they can continue with the activities in which they are involved. Older children, preteens and teenagers will want to know how financial arrangements will affect them. Will they have to give up their car? Can they still take karate lessons? If these things will not change for them, reassure them as such. If you are not sure, tell them you are not sure, that the details haven’t been ironed out, but you will listen for their input about what’s most important to them as you make decisions.

Wallerstein and Kelly’s study showed that children often feel responsible for their parents’ breakup. This is especially likely among children who are preschoolers or just starting school, since this age group tends to be “egocentric”– to see the world as revolving around them. Not all children feel this way, and some who do won’t admit to it. But tell your children plainly that the divorce is no fault of theirs, and they did nothing to make it happen. Nor can they do anything to fix it. This divorce business is between the adults. Click here for an article on a child’s view of divorce.

Finally, encourage questions. This demonstrates to your children that expressing feelings is not only allowed but valued; the capacity to express difficult feelings such as very deep sadness, anger, fear, and insecurity can replace the need to act out feelings that are submerged or in need of attention. It will put your kids in good stead throughout life to know how to talk about their feelings. This also teaches children that you can handle whatever feelings they lay on you, with the implicit message that you can also handle your own feelings and the divorce. Click here for ideas about activities children can engage in to help them during your divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Personal Assessment: Going to Trial

admin — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:00:29 +0000

Is a trial really needed to resolve these issues? Is there nothing left to give in on? If so, then I have prepared myself thoroughly by orchestrating the best evidence, and the fullest documentation, in my power. Click here for an article on what to do 100 days before your trial. Have I selected the most appropriate witnesses for my case? Are they people who are interested in helping me or my children because they believe in me, rather than because they are friendly with me? I have found people whose opinions are based on experience with me and/or my spouse, and who do not have an axe of their own to grind.

Am I being as truthful and straightforward as possible? If my spouse is not, how am I dealing with it? I hope I am not becoming consumed with revenge or proving the truth. I am keeping my eye on the big picture, and I am taking steps to end my spouse’s ability to distort facts about me by separating our lives in as civilized way as possible.

Am I being motivated by fear? How is it affecting my behavior, in and out of court? I am taking the time to understand my fears, and to put them into proper perspective. I am acting out of a position of strength, not fear. Click here for an article on overcoming the fears of divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

My Spouse’s View of Me Doesn’t Fit With My Own Perceptions

admin — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 12:00:36 +0000

Nothing is more frustrating than having your ex go all over town saying things about you that you know not to be true. Worse, they are often things that are the opposite of how you view yourself. Mike’s wife viewed every effort he made to be involved in his son’s life as controlling. So when he wanted to come to every tennis match, she told their son that he just wanted to use the games as a way to see her, and that he wanted the boy to win games for his own gratification. Mike was furious because he wound up fighting with his son every time he wanted to attend his matches. He wanted his boy to win, but that’s not why he loved being at the games. He felt that there was so little he could share day-to-day with Tommy, since he didn’t live with him anymore, and the games gave him something to talk about and a way to show his desire to be steadfast in the boy’s life. For an interesting discussion about spouses spreading rumors, click here.

People often get caught up in going to trial to prove that their spouse’s view of themselves is wrong. This is a losing proposition, because you can’t change someone’s mind just because you want to; that person has to want to be open to a new interpretation. Often he or she is not. The court process is not going to change anyone’s opinion either. People who reach trial often say the exact same things about each other, using words like controlling, nasty, and lying. Some people diagnose each other, giving their spouse psychological labels that they only partially understand: borderline, antisocial, sex addicted, or narcissistic. Often someone is accused of being controlling and intimidating, and the other spouse is labeled as inconsistent and emotionally unstable. You can easily see how these two personality styles could influence the other, bringing out the worst.

In research (Pruett, 1998), every couple interviewed that reported at least some conflict in their divorce said that their spouse used the legal system to get back at them in some way, while they never used the system to get back at their spouse. Usually there is some kernel of objective truth in how spouses describe each other. Maybe he is more forceful than her, or she does get weepy easily. But the extent to which the trait is ascribed is blown out of proportion, as much a product of the relationship as either person. For some tips for communicating with your spouse when things get negative, click here.

In any case, you cannot change someone’s negative view of you by fighting about it. You can only try and change that view by changing your own behavior. Refuse to engage at that level. Even so, understand that they may never see you the way you see yourself. It is important not to accept your spouse’s view of you, but to ask yourself if others see you similarly. Maybe even ask people close to you. Perhaps you can find the kernel of truth in your ex’s view, and use the divorce as an opportunity to better yourself in a way that will help you in your next relationship, with other people in general, or with your sense of self.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Holding Your Ground without Conflict

admin — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 12:00:37 +0000

The fear of losing one’s property or children becomes a central motivator to fight back, the way an animal strikes out blindly when it senses its personal or familial security is threatened. As the conflict increases, each person becomes more certain that they cannot trust the other, and therefore must turn to an outside party to police their interactions. The legal system is brought in for its protective functions. However, this view of the legal system stems from its functions in a criminal situation. In the civil realm, the court has few protections that it can enforce. It may be able to stop spouses from being violent or stealing property from each other. But it is a slow and cumbersome process, and often it does too little too late to be of assistance. The threat of the court’s authority keeps people afraid. They fear that their spouse will somehow prevail, they will succeed in unleashing their wrath legally, and the power of the court will be used to condone it. Click here for some excellent conflict management techniques.

If it is early enough in the conflict, you can stop this cycle by refusing to engage. Don’t fight back. Click here for a great article about walking away from conflict. Hold your ground but do what you can not to inflame your spouse. Make small concessions, and bend over backwards not to fight. It means turning the other cheek and letting the other person have their way, but having the fighting stop will work to your advantage later. If you are already fighting over issues you cannot concede to, like sole custody of your child, then you must use the legal process but be sure to work with an attorney who understands your important bottom lines and what is worth fighting for, rather than an attorney who’s interested in supporting the fight. Sometimes an attorney is well meaning, and encourages you to fight because he or she agrees you have been wronged. Such support does not always work to your advantage, despite the best of intentions. Your attorney should help you decide what not to fight about, as well.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

What if My Spouse is Lying?

admin — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 12:00:39 +0000

If you know that your spouse is lying, inform your lawyer. You are not permitted to talk during the trial while someone else is testifying, so write down anything that your spouse (or anyone else) says that is not true. If it’s urgent, slide the paper over to your lawyer so he or she can read it immediately. If it can wait, talk to your lawyer during a court break. Never allow yourself to have an emotional outburst while court is in session.

Immediately think about what you or someone else knows that will prove that your spouse is lying. If there is a document already in evidence which proves that your spouse is lying, then so much the better. Your lawyer can bring it to the attention of the court. If the court decides your spouse is lying, his or her entire case will be undermined, even if the lie is about a small issue. Click here for an article about spouses lying during divorce cases.

Sometimes the lie is about such a small issue that it isn’t worth bringing up to the court or the judge. Sometimes what you perceive as a “lie” is just a different person’s interpretation of the facts. On the other hand, if your spouse says, “I never took money out of the account” and you have canceled checks from the account showing he or she withdrew $2,000 two days before filing divorce papers, this needs to come to the court’s attention. You and your lawyer can decide together what is worthwhile to pursue, and what is best let go.

Why your spouse’s lie feels so horrible and how to react

Because so much is on the line at trial, when your spouse lies it inflames your sense of injustice. This person is taking you and your life apart, and then trying to lie, putting money above a relationship to you or your children. It reminds you of all the unfairness in the relationship, all the broken promises and smashed dreams. You are especially angry if you know that your spouse is capable of being a more decent person when less self-interested. It is infuriating to have someone get away with an injustice in the forum that is supposed to protect people and see through the deceit. You long for the court to see through your spouse’s manipulations; can’t somebody see what he or she does when it is so obvious?! Whether or not the court can tell that this is a lie, such behavior will likely resurface many times again. You must accept that others may not be able to see your ex as you do, and that you may never get justice. Let it remind you that this is why you are divorcing and it is more important to minimize future interactions with this person than to prove something here. Let it reinforce that you are fighting to separate your lives, not to punish each other. For some information about how to get support when things are tough, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

If I Did Something That May Hurt My Case, Should I Lie?

admin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:00:57 +0000

Your credibility is the most important element of your case. Deceit is rampant in divorce cases, and judges have little patience for such behavior. If there is a weak point in your case, meet the problem head on. All people make mistakes, and you can describe an incident as a lapse of judgment under trying conditions. If you are sincere and convincing, it will damage your case less than lying would. For an article about what not to do during your divorce, click here.

The importance of truthfulness holds true when the issue is infidelity within the marriage. It is best to admit to obvious affairs and deal with the problem on the stand to take the punch out of your spouse’s argument about an affair. That’s not to say that complete confession during the negotiation phase is optimal. Certainly, each case is different, but telling the truth to a judge in a straight forward and brief fashion at a trial can be much less damaging than ignoring the scenario and waiting for it to be raised by your spouse’s attorney, or having your spouse parade a series of witnesses of photographs through the court after you have not been truthful about a new relationship.

Bud is an attorney who was on trial for divorce. He had been unhappy in his marriage to Janice for many years but had not had an affair. During the final months before separating, Bud fell in love with Samantha, a co–worker, and became sexually involved with her. He never told Janice about the relationship and his intent to marry his new partner, but he was pretty sure she suspected something since he was unwilling to consider counseling or reconciliation. At the trial, he readily admitted to being involved before Janice could accuse him, discussing his loneliness and the new happiness that Samantha breathed into his life. He depicted the new relationship as unfortunate (because it started before his marriage ended) but loving and positive, and expressed the importance to him that Janice not suffer needlessly for it. Despite the high degree of animosity between the couple, the judge believed Bud’s account and rendered the affair as inconsequential compared to the other issues in the divorce.

Once you’ve admitted the relationship, photographs or Valentine’s cards lose their significance as evidence against you. The judge probably doesn’t care much about them at all. However, if you lied, then the lie becomes a credibility issue that affects your entire case.

If you are tempted to lie at any point during your divorce remember that your spouse may have a photograph or document that proves your statement is untrue. You could then be in the unenviable position of attempting to retract testimony that is undercut by the contents of a document, photograph, videotape, or tape recording. Once a judge decides you’re lying about one issue, all of your testimony becomes suspect. As a consequence, you may be punished in the property settlement or alimony aspects of your case. Click here for an article about perjury in divorce cases.

Lying under oath is perjury. Perjury is a crime. Many judges refer perjury in divorce cases to the prosecutor’s office. Judges may also refer matters involving drugs, false tax returns, or other crimes. If these are issues in your case strongly consider settling with your spouse out of court rather than take the chance of facing criminal prosecution along with your divorce case.

If you are tempted to lie about a situation in your case, you speak with your lawyer in advance so that you can decide together the best way to handle it. No reputable lawyer will permit you to lie or will condone a suggestion to lie on the stand, but will assist you in a legal way to minimize any ill effects that you might experience because of the scenario that presents itself.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com