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Archive for the ‘Custody’ Category

Attorneys and Guardians for Children

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

If you have a contested custody matter which cannot be solved by initial mediation sessions, the court will generally appoint either an attorney or a guardian ad litem (latin “for the case”) to represent your children. The attorney for your children represents their legal interests just as your attorney represents yours, voicing their wishes and advocating for that position. The guardian ad item’s job is to give neutral information to the court about what is in the child’s best interests, irrespective of the child’s wishes. Typically, older children will get an attorney appointed, and younger children will get a guardian, especially if they are too young to talk. But this varies across states. It will be either the attorney’s or the guardian’s responsibility to determine what the children want to do, or should do according to that adult’s judgment. The attorney or guardian can assist you in knowing how your child feels as the case progresses, and your child’s vulnerabilities which require attention. Click here for more information.

Evaluations of the Child and Family

When parents are disputing about child issues, then in addition to the court appointed advocates, the court typically orders an evaluation of the family to assist the judge in making decisions for the parents. The purpose of the evaluation is to provide the court with a full picture about the individual family members and their relationships to each other. This information will assist the judge in making decisions about parenting arrangements, depending upon the factors to which that judge decides to give most weight.

Many courts have a Family Relations Office that will conduct this study for little or no cost. You may also wish to ask for an independent custody evaluation, which is typically performed by a social worker, psychologist, or other mental health professional that the court deems competent to evaluate your case for custody and visitation issues. Either you or the court could request and/or appoint an independent evaluator. Court-sponsored evaluations conducted by Family Relations officers typically include the following elements: the evaluator will speak with the parties together, separately, with the children alone, with the children and each party, with the teachers, day care providers, doctors, extended family and anyone else who has contact with the family and who would be able to comment on the parties’ parenting abilities. The Family Relations office study is a nuts and bolts analysis of the family situation, and the parental roles within that family situation over the last several years. Court sponsored evaluations have the benefit of being less expensive, and utilizing court-related personnel who have a great deal of experience with the judges and attorneys of the judicial district they work in. They are often expert investigators, within the standards of their practice. Click here to visit a website dedicated to guardians ad litem.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Attorneys for Children, Custody, Guardians for Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

The court will often order mediation if you have not already tried to mediate your disputes with the help of a neutral third party. When trial seems imminent, the court may order an attorney for the children, or a guardian ad litem; these professionals act as advocates on the child’s behalf, charged of separating the children’s needs from the demands of either parent. The court may also order a psychological evaluation. An evaluation of the family provides the court with information needed to ascertain the family’s special strengths, problems, and issues. These components are then used in a series of court proceedings, such as a pretrial and trial. For an article on the ins and outs of contested custody cases, click here.

Court Ordered Mediation

In the course of a custody trial, the court will often ask you first to try and mediate the dispute with an officer of the court, which we will generically refer to as the Family Relations office. You also have the option of obtaining a private mediator. Typically, you will sit together with a mediator (sometimes two), and you will be expected to discuss what your concerns are about the other spouse and his or her abilities to care for the children and address their needs, and to explain what you would consider an ideal situation to be. The more reasonable and willing to negotiate that you are, the more likely it is that the mediator will be able to help you resolve the matter. Mediation is not about “strategy” or about “winning”. It is about being reasonable, organized, and succinct. By the time you get to the mediation, you should be prepared with your idea of a viable custody and visitation plan. You then want to organize yourself to present it in the best way possible. Try to stay out of the past, and focus on the future. Always listen very carefully to what is being said by your spouse. Try not to let your excitement about making your presentation result in a failure to listen to what your spouse or the mediator says. For an article on court ordered mediation, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Contested Custody, Custody, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Engaging in a contested custody dispute is a last resort proposition because it usually produces two losers, and no winners. It may be warranted if you believe that your children’s current situation places them in serious physical or psychological danger ”not discomfort” but danger. Your sense of danger is discriminated from one of discomfort when the custody and access arrangements create serious problems for your child (not you!) by seeing or living with the other parent. If you feel the child will be exposed to physical or sexual harm, or to persons and behaviors that compromise the other parent’s ability to care for the child properly or make sound judgments about her needs, AND if the situation cannot be mediated or ameliorated with outside help, then you may need to contest custody or visitation. Examples include a parent who is using and/or dealing illegal drugs, having multiple sexual encounters which the child witnesses, or who is experiencing an abrupt shift in mental functioning, such as psychotic episodes which involve the child. In these cases, it could be necessary to fight with a parent who is not thinking or acting rationally in order to protect your child. Click here for an article on custody battles.

When you are determining whether or not to contest custody, you must carefully weigh the costs. There are your legal fees, your children’s legal fees, and fees for the court-ordered evaluator. Sometimes these costs can be greater than what you’d expect to pay for your child’s college education. However, the costs of a contested custody matter reach far beyond the literal dollar cost of your case. You and your children will feel stressed beyond human endurance during the process. Contested custody trials, and matters which are headed toward contested custody trials but which ultimately settle, can be extremely time consuming, emotionally exhausting, and damaging to a family unit. Do not underestimate the trauma that this will cause your family if you and your spouse are unable to reach an agreement concerning your children’s upbringing. If you are holding out on the schedule in order to win some other concession, financial or otherwise, think again. Ask yourself, “What makes it worth it? Are the costs to my ongoing relationship with my spouse and to my children worth holding out for? Will the schedule my spouse wants me to agree to inconvenience me, sadden me, or actually harm the children or me?

Courts are set up to assist you in reaching your own agreement about your children. However, when parents are unable to resolve their differences, the court will step in to assist. The “assistance” requires that your lives and past decisions get examined in minute detail, by you, your spouse, the evaluator, and the judge. You may have to testify about your spouse’s faults and shortcomings in the same detail. You will also have to listen while your spouse testifies about every perceived misdeed and defeated expectation, and every criticism he or she has of you, your parenting, and your relationship with your children. After that, you also have to listen while the court-appointed evaluator testifies about your strengths and weaknesses as a parent, and about how your behavior has affected the children during the divorce process. Click here for 5 tips on custody battles.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Children in Danger, Custody Battles, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

Monday, September 27th, 2010

Am I doing everything I can to create a positive co-parenting environment that allows our children to have maximum access to and support from each parent? Creating a viable shared parenting arrangement requires a lot of patience and turning the other cheek. My children will benefit, and over the long run, it will help keep our divorce a productive experience.

Do the living arrangements, decision making plan, and actual schedule fit with who my children are at the present time? Gearing the schedule to the age and developmental needs of each child helps ensure its effectiveness.

Is the parenting plan specific enough to cover most likely situations at present and in the near future? Do we have a back up plan for resolving differences that will inevitably arise? Specificity helps maintain predictability and keep boundaries straight. Our plan supports our separateness without seeming burdensome. It leaves space to offer and ask for flexibility as needs arise. Click here for more resources.

Am I doing my part to maintain the plan and ensure its effectiveness for my children and all involved? Am I letting negative emotional responses leftover from the marriage interfere with implementation? If we each do our best to make this work, it will work out well.

Are our child support payments determined accurately and with fairness? Child support can be financially burdensome, but it benefits my children. I still wish to provide for them in the best way I can. That is one way I can protect them from negative impacts of divorce. Click here for a host of information about children and divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parenting Plan, Personal Assessment, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

More on Child Support vs. Custody

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

In either case, using time with your children as a substitute for child support doesn’t pay off, in money or metaphoric terms! The money you hoped to save by having the children with you winds up being paid because the children actually have more needs than provided for by Child Support Guidelines. So you spend the money anyhow–you’re just writing the check to the grocery store rather than to your ex-spouse.

That may feel better, but it doesn’t change the amount of money spent. Some parents refuse to buy their children something they request, or spend any money on them, because “it costs too much” after they have won an exchange of more time with the children for paying less child support. In many of those families, the children were raised in middle class neighborhoods, where the now-divorced parents then refused to treat them like other local children were typically treated. This indirectly punishes your child for the divorce, and unfortunately, the message is not missed by most children. For a wealth of terrific information, click here.

Perhaps you really don’t have the money. But if you deny money that you do have to your children, and then spend it on yourself or a new family, the children’s resentment . You will pay child support for up to 21 years. Your children are your children for the rest of your life. Many parents wonder why their children are so angry at them, after he or she used money as a bargaining chip with the other parent. So now that parent has some extra money each month, but a lousy relationship with the children that is far more painful than budget cuts. The other irony is that in some of these situations the children tune into the issues, and redefine their relationship with that parent to be all about money. Like some bad fairy tale, the parent must now live in a self-created situation in which every day is a constant reminder about money, the subject he or she wanted to avoid in the first place. The moral of the story: check your motivations and do not count your pennies at the expense of the big picture over time. For an article on cost effective parenting after divorce, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Child Support, Finances
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Child Support vs. Custody

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

For the parent paying child support, the amount may seem astronomical. “Given the dollars involved, the children should be living like kings.” For the recipient, the money is never enough. The recipient is “shopping with coupons, wearing hand-me-downs, and eating leftovers – and still the ends never meet.” Click here for child support information.

Most people drastically underestimate what children cost. They also underestimate what maintaining two households costs. While you’re living together as a family, you’re paying for one family home, one set of toys, and one set of clothes. When you separate, you’re suddenly paying for two homes, two sets of toys, and almost two sets of clothes. Not all of the additional expenses have to do with the children directly: there are two mortgages or rents, two sets of home insurance, and two sets of household items. And your children’s needs are increasing with age: dancing lessons, soccer dues, hockey equipment, and field trip entrance fees.

Statistically, men who pay child support fare better economically than women who receive child support just years after the divorce is finalized. The Child Support Guidelines adopted by each state were designed to even out the economics of the custodial vs. non-custodial parent. For those who pay support as ordered, and those who receive it, the finances are evening out somewhat. However, other societal factors work against equality, such as the differences in wages between men and women doing the same jobs. Also, parents who see children only on weekends and days off are free to work overtime during the week, and to pursue career-enhancing activities when the children are not with them.

When spouses become embittered about their side of the “lopsided” financial picture, both spouses blame the other, and grouch about their side of the financial picture. If you are feeling angry about how little you get, or how much you pay, try to sit down together and assess where the money is going. Use general categories rather than details about you each spend your money; the divorce obviates that obligation to each other. But look at broad categories and ascertain whether in fact someone is “getting screwed,” or whether there is just less money to spread around. Becoming more realistic about your finances may improve relations with your spouse enormously.

Although the advent of child support guidelines have decreased the tendency to use child support as a bargaining chip in custody negotiations, it still happens. Many parents ask about reductions in child support for shared custody situations. Other parents ask for reductions in support based on split custodial arrangements. The laws of most states recognize that these situations are special, and may warrant an adjustment to the amount of money that one parent pays to the other. Exactly how much the support amounts vary depends on the laws of each state. Some have complicated calculations based on the percentage of time spent with each parent, and other states treat each case separately, based on the facts. Click here for another interesting article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Child Support, Finances
Posted in Cost of Divorce, Creative Problem Solving, Custody | Comments Off

Voluntary Reduction of Wages

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

If you have had a stable salary history, child support will most likely be based on that history unless you can prove that the past is not applicable to the future, as in Henry’s situation, above. When confronted with the Child Support Guidelines and divorce, many people react by reducing overtime hours, delaying commissions or bonuses, or otherwise attempting to minimize their incomes, at least until child support is calculated and determined by the court.

This tactic is risky business. Typically, courts award child support (and alimony) based on earning capacity as opposed to actual earnings, and will not hesitate to do so when it appears that people have voluntarily reduced their earnings. Click here for a story about someone’s personal experience with this.

If your income is decreased, you will need to prove that your claimed income reduction is legitimate. For example, if your industry as a whole is shrinking (e.g., “defense contractors”), be prepared to offer industry information and statistics concerning this problem. If your work is seasonal, be prepared to offer evidence of the past 3-5 years of these cycles. If competition has been stepped up with the addition of additional workers, thereby reducing available overtime, be prepared to offer a statement from your employer outlining the changes which have been made in the workforce. If your commission structure has changed, and despite your best efforts you cannot earn what you used to earn, be prepared to explain that as well.

Most important, be prepared to prove that whatever reduction you’ve suffered in earnings is not your fault, and was not voluntary. If the court thinks that you’ve voluntarily reduced your income in an effort to minimize support payments, you risk being ordered to pay support based on previous available earnings, as opposed to your current actual earnings. Click here for another terrific article.

Many people find that their working capacity is lower during the divorce process, because they are stressed, spending so much time on their case, or in court. This constitutes a temporary situation, and will not alter your child support obligations. However, if depression or other psychological factors inhibit you from producing your normal amount of work, or maintaining your usual standard of living, explain this to the court and/or your attorney. You may be offered a temporary reprieve, with a fixed time period after which you’ll be expected to resume your normal daily operations.

The most popular phrase divorce lawyers hear is “Well if I have to pay that much, I’ll quit my job!” That’s no solution to the child support problem, however, because the court can consider your earning capacity, not just your actual earnings. So, if you reduce your overtime, quit your job, take a voluntary demotion, or do anything that voluntarily reduces your income, you take the chance that the court will base your child support on your prior earnings, not on your current earnings.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

What are Child Support Guidelines?

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Each state has Child Support Guidelines which mandate how much support each spouse must contribute toward supporting the children, based on factors which each state determines. The “guidelines” are actually very specific laws with specific calculations. Pick up a copy of your state’s guidelines at your local courthouse, library, or a lawyer’s office. Many are even posted on the internet. You can use the Guidelines to estimate expected child support payments. Each state’s calculations are different, but each takes into account what both parents earn and some of the children’s basic expenses. Child support is also based on how much time the children spend with each of you. Click here to visit a website devoted to child support guidelines.

Child Support and Income

In every state, both parents’ incomes are the key pieces of information used to calculate child support. In addition to mandatory deductions for taxes, many states take into account the children’s health insurance premiums and daycare costs, but other permitted deductions from income influencing child support vary from state to state. If there are factors that allow deviations from the guidelines, they will be listed in the guidelines. Typical deviations may include: a child’s extraordinary medical or educational expenses, extraordinary access expenses (like plane tickets to visit an out-of-state parent), and a child’s own income or assets which may be used for his or her support. Deviations are not permitted because of a parent’s extraordinary “credit card payments” or a “car loan payment”, or other expenses incurred by the parents. The law recognizes that your first responsibility is to your child, not to MasterCard or your landlord.

Most states consider any money which comes to you on a periodic basis to be income. This means that wages, commissions, bonuses, interest, dividends, worker’s compensation, unemployment compensation, and even social security are considered “income” in most states. Income is income, even if you haven’t received it yet. For example, suppose you typically receive a bonus each year based on your sales performance. The cutoff date for your performance record is June 30 of each year. You receive your bonus in December of that same year. If it’s September, your bonus will be considered part of your income even though it hasn’t been received by you yet.

Another example is stock dividends. The dividends are often automatically reinvested, so you don’t actually have the cash to spend. Because stock dividends are earned, and you could choose to liquidate rather than reinvest them, they are deemed to be income.

Social security comes with some complications, since it has special benefits for recipients with minor children. In most cases, the benefits that children receive directly from social security will be considered when child support is calculated. Typically, however, the government-provided benefit is only part of what the parent will be required to pay on the child’s behalf. How social security is treated varies across states, and will be clarified in your state’s child support guidelines. Click here for more information.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Listening to the Children, Modifying Custody, Needs of the Children, Problems with Visitation
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Self Esteem, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

She has always controlled my relationship with the kids

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

In our society, couples with children generally develop complementary roles in which the fathers invest the bulk of their time in earning money for the family and the women take primary responsibility for childcare. Because women generally spend more time with their children on a daily basis than do men, they have more knowledge about the children’s daily routines, needs, and preferences. They are, in essence, gatekeepers to the children’s world. In a divorce, the gate swings closed more often than open in a defensive maneuver. The knowledge held by mothers gets clutched close to the breast, staving off further loss by hoarding it, sometimes lauding it over their spouse’s head. Click here for more on divorced mothers.

Men complain about this turn of events because they find gaining access to their children too difficult. Mom tells the kids not to answer the phone when Dad calls. Or she forgets to inform him of small but proud moments in the child’s life which he might have attended, if he’d known about them enough in advance. They fear they will lose access to their children, as punishment for the time they spent providing the family income.

Billy railed at Stephanie for using every excuse she could think of to limit the time he spent with their 10 year old son and 8 and 6 year old daughters. She wouldn’t tell him about their schedules and habits, and then filed motions in court stating that he was a derelict, uncaring father. He was so frustrated he was thinking about filing for sole custody to protect himself, although his lawyer told him he didn’t stand a chance.

Stephanie does not think it is her job to tell Billy things he “should know by now.” She always covered for him in the marriage, but she is now free of that responsibility. She doesn’t mean to exclude him, but there is so much happening it is hard enough to keep track. She is sure that the children are not his priority by what he does not know about them, and what he misses.

These two parents each think they are doing their part to protect the children and provide for their needs. Indeed they are doing what they know, and what they have always done best. But once there is a divorce, the old rules no longer pertain. It requires more work on both parts to equalize roles, information, and the chance to share child care. Sometimes mothers are controlling their children in order to wield power over their spouse, who has more power in the financial realm. Other times, it is just a perception based on differing roles within the family, and a real desire to structure the children’s hectic lives in the face of divorce chaos, while protecting them from further hurt. If you or your spouse are gate keeping, work with a competent mediator or couples’ therapist to help you realign power and communication in the relationship without assigning blame. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changes in Parenting Styles, Mothering after Divorce, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

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Archive for the ‘Custody’ Category

Attorneys and Guardians for Children

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

More on Child Support vs. Custody

Child Support vs. Custody

Voluntary Reduction of Wages

What are Child Support Guidelines?

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

She has always controlled my relationship with the kids