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Divorce and the Hallmark Myth

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

Hyperventilating yet? This season is supposed to be a time of abundance, but it might be that the only abundant thing in your life right now is a lot of “supposed to’s.” You’re supposed to be brimming with generous spirit, living it up at all of your friends’ holiday parties, be turning over a new leaf at New Year’s, and your family is supposed to be all together, knocking each others’ socks off with a frenzy of gifts and a big meal. Those expectations inevitably lead to a big let down when you feel like you’ve totally overdone it or you’re disappointed you didn’t have enough.

This season more frightening than fun for many people, and especially for separated couples. Negotiating changes that involve children are even worse. The basic tenets that you’re using to create a peaceful divorce are especially powerful for solving problems right now. Before you’re sucked deeper into holiday hysteria, become clear on how you are going to handle the challenges that arise and what outcome you want to create.

Communicate
If you and your spouse have not settled on how to handle the holidays, don‘t wait any longer. Schedule a time to speak with them, and your mediator if necessary, to work out a plan that you can both stick to and get it in writing. Be prepared for the conversation by being calm, ready to listen, and willing to be hard on the problem, not the person. Don’t give your kids a reason to feel like they’re the cause of the conflict; their added stress is going to escalate the difficulty for everyone.

Manage Expectations
Be ready to have the awkward conversations with your kids about how where they’ll be and what they’ll be doing will be different this year. Ideally, you and your spouse can look at your children’s wish lists together and decide what you’ll be buying so that you don’t overlap or be anxious over how much the other is spending. It will also help your kids to understand ahead of time if they’re getting one thing off their list from each parent this year instead of three things from both of you like they have in the past.

Focus on Positive Outcomes
Last month I blogged about how to create a mission statement specifically for getting through the holidays. Go back to your goals – seeing people you love (while avoiding those you don’t), turning down the drama, etc. Acknowledge the people in your support network by giving back however you can; it’ll make you feel better too.

To read more about how to manage high expectations during the holidays, click here and here.

Tags: children of divorce, Dealing with Your Spouse, Lifestyle Changes, Working with Your Spouse
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

Living Together During or After Divorce

Monday, July 13th, 2009

The Wall Street Journal published an article today about staying together after you get divorced, or staying together while the divorce is going on.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124743668592229179.html

Nice idea, in principal. Right? It’s cheaper, you don’t have to worry about changing the kids’ schedules, you keep your same mailing address……

But what this article, and the similar article which appeared in the New York Times on December 30, 2008, failed to mention was that the time of separation and divorce can be a very difficult time for the participants. Even for families which are not involved in chronic domestic violence, it is not uncommon for there to be 1 or 2 isolated incidents of violence surrounding the decision to divorce.

Are we sure that’s worth the money?

A client called last week and said, “We got into a fight and [spouse] slapped me. I called the police, and the police arrested [spouse]. Now what do I do?” This same client had called the week before complaining that he/she didn’t see how their mediation could be completed for the average amount of fees which we quote clients. Now the cost of mediation is a drop in the bucket—-spouse had to be bailed out of jail, there’s a restraining order, and one or both spouses will need an attorney. I’ll bet that spouse is no longer interested in settling through mediation, so the new divorce lawyers will easily cost 3 times the amount of money that client was worried about just a week prior. And let’s not forget that all of this went down in front of the parties’ children.

So is it really about money? At this point, I fail to see the savings.

Likewise, the Los Angeles Times has a similar article in today’s paper:

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As a 20 year divorce professional (litigator turned mediator) I worry that in an effort to save a couple of bucks that people are putting themselves in danger. And if it’s not physical danger, per se, what about what the children are witnessing? Are these parents who are staying together really perfect role models for how adults should handle conflict? I sure hope so, but somehow I doubt it.

Let’s not forget that an overwhelming number of non-gang-related homocides are [former or current] romantic partners. Remember the fellow who dressed as Santa and killed half of his wife’s family last Christmas? He was her ex husband.

My observation of “I can’t afford it” is really “I don’t value it so I’m not going to spend money on it”. Remember when you shared an apartment with 2 other people in college? Or you clipped coupons to make ends meet because your first job paid $5 an hour?

Staying together in the same house while you’re getting divorced may work for some folks, but for those it does not work for, it is a disaster.

Posted in Conflict Management, Cost of Divorce, Creative Problem Solving, Divorce and Your House, Emotions During Divorce, Filing for Divorce, Legal Issues, Life After Divorce, Property Division | Comments Off

Casting Notice for Divorce TV Show

Friday, July 10th, 2009

This company is NOT affiliated with Peace Talks Mediation Services, but I thought I’d post this on the blog in case someone is interested:

Here’s the official Casting Notice:

Are you, or someone close to you recently divorced, or currently going through a divorce? Are you looking to pull together and improve your situation by moving forward? What kind of emotional toll is the breakup of your marriage taking on your home, work, and social life? Do you feel like people in your life – friends, family members – must take sides in your marital war? If divorce is affecting your life right now, we want to hear from you.

Producers are searching for divorced or divorcing couples to participate in a new show, both parties should be willing to share their story openly and honestly with the world. We are interested in private relationships which, for many complex reasons, have broken down. 2 adults who have already tried hard to hold onto their marriage, and are at the end of the road. There will be a focus on the positive side of life after the divorce is finalized. Please send photos, location, emails, phone numbers, and a summary of the relationship history to our casting department.

Thanks in advance for your time, and please feel free to pass my contact info and/or email to whomever you feel is appropriate.

Best,

Tracy Powell

Development Producer

Escalate TV

Cell: 407-284-7320

E: tracypowell@gmail.com

Posted in Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Fault in Divorce, Life After Divorce | Comments Off

Forks in the Road: Settlement or Conflict?

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Once the decision to divorce is made, you reach a fork in the road, where you need to make a series of choices about how you will proceed with your divorce. At each fork in the road, you choose your path: settlement or conflict. You can maintain a generous outlook toward your spouse, which fosters settlement, or you can respond to your more negative emotions, which fosters more conflict. In choosing conflict, you soon find yourself further down the road toward adversarial divorce than you intended. Once several choices have been made that foster conflict over settlement, it becomes increasingly difficult to extract yourself.

Choices that exacerbate conflict include: acting with distrust and dishonesty, being aggressive or stubborn when reasonable compromises are available, or making the process difficult in order to satisfy your anger, desire for punishment of your spouse, or your fears. When each conflict is held onto with tenacity, feelings of affection from the marriage are eroded and are replaced by resentment that smolders into fury. These feelings often stem from grief that goes unacknowledged, your own or your spouse’s. When grief is not worked through, it becomes a cantankerous emotional tumor, spreading its way through your heart and central nervous system. It hardens into bitterness. For a good article on compromise in divorce, see http://ezinearticles.com/?Divorce—Finding-Compromise&id=516461.

Divorce is rarely easy, and bitter feelings make it more arduous. Although few couples actually go to trial, many go a long way towards trial before finally settling. These cases are characterized by added length and cost to the divorce process.

If your priorities are clear, you are willing to compromise on most sticking points, you hired an attorney who is interested in settlement, and you are not hindered by emotional issues carried over from the marriage or the hurt of facing divorce, then you have an excellent chance of settling your disputes with minimum chaos to you and your family. Of course, you can not effect success alone. Both partners have to participate. Some great information on conflict and compromise is provided at http://www.divorceinfo.com/conflict.htm.

Many spouses feel that they are the ones doing the compromising to achieve resolution, while their spouse is blocking it. Yet their spouse tells the same story, only he/she is the one doing all the work! When perceptions are so disparate, neither person can be acting in the “perfect” way they believe. If your conflict is increasing rather than decreasing, take a hard look at what you might do differently. Most important, try understanding what’s happening inside of you that is contributing to communication breakdowns. Assess whether you are acting out your feelings instead of experiencing and managing them.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Creating Fair Settlements, Dealing with Anger, Lifestyle Changes
Posted in Creative Problem Solving | Comments Off

Solving Problems 101

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Once you have identified the source of conflict between you and your spouse, you can come up with possible solutions. Here are some steps to follow to help you reach a satisfying outcome.

Both people suggest possible solutions. Consider the pluses and minuses of each of the solutions that you would seriously consider together.“Perhaps we can decide the best solution depending on what the illness is…so that when he has a stomach virus, moving him doesn’t make sense. But when he has a headache, he can try going to your house.” This plan makes sense because it takes the child’s needs into account, but it leaves open the need for negotiating each time the problem arises.
Both agree to try one of the proposed solutions, and to discuss it again in a few days or weeks, to see if progress has been made.
Keep any agreements you made, and if it is not working for you, make changes through negotiation. Try to resist taking unilateral actions.

In addition, try these measures to change the dynamics of your arguments. Whenever a disagreement can be bypassed, let it go. If you are in the midst of a heated issue, such as how often one of you will spend evening time with the children, agree to explain what you want rather than what you have to get. Agree to take time apart and re-think your position when you hit a roadblock. Get second opinions from people you trust; perhaps you can even agree to talk to the same people so that you are less polarized by competing opinions. Most of all, focus your energy on the positives of your future: rebuilding your life: your new home, assets, career, and friendships rather than the arguments and failures of your past relationship.

For more good information on problem solving in families, see http://family.jrank.org/pages/1337/Problem-Solving-Problem-Solving-Process-in-Couples-Families.html. For an interesting article on power in marital struggles, see http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/07/070705120756.htm.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Conflict Management, Dealing with Anger, Mediated Divorce
Posted in Creative Problem Solving | Comments Off

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