Creative Problem Solving | Mediation Blog

Archive for the ‘Creative Problem Solving’ Category

Other Options for Victims of PAS

Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010

If you have not done so already, you can request an evaluation in order to clearly demonstrate that the alienation has occurred and is being reinforced through the other parent. For an article on the signs of PAS, click here.

You can request therapeutic intervention. The therapist will work with the alienated parent and child, separately and together, to reunite them gradually. For more information, click here.

One of the sad aspects about alienation is that forcing your child to see you when he doesn’t want to often just reinforces his view of you as an ogre or a bully. Your efforts are invariably “misunderstood” through negative misinterpretation or attribution of intent. Even if the court forces your child to see you, it may not improve your relationship. A therapeutic route is always a better bet than a legal one. However, often you cannot change your child’s opinions, no matter what you try. You may then have to wait it out. Keep in contact from a distance, dropping notes or calling occasionally to remind your child that you care, that you are abiding by his or her wishes, but that you want things to be different. It may take years, but if you have been wronged, children generally figure this out on their own. It is sad to both of you when you realize you have wasted precious time, but your child will appreciate how you hung in, and will feel loved and appreciated. This seems like a meager reward compared to what you endured, but in the end, you are likely to find each other again.

The rejected parent isn’t always so pure and wronged, however. Parents whose children have been turned against them have generally contributed to the situation by acting in demanding, controlling, arrogant, or selfish ways that lend support to the other parent’s accusations. Examine your reflection carefully in the mirror. Are you ready to understand your role in what has happened? Children rarely turn on a parent so completely without some provocation, unless the alienating parent is so vulnerable that the child must support that parent to maintain her coping, to whatever minimal extent it is operating. In the latter situation, it is difficult to fight such strong influences. The passage of time, patience, and consistently nurturing behavior can amass the power to turn around such complex, ingrained dynamics.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children Turning Against You, Parental Alienation Syndrome
Posted in Child Support Issues, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce | Comments Off

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part. In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children as Pawns, Children Turning Against You, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Self Care, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

The evaluator will be interested in the structure that a parent provides for a child, the ability to provide clear boundaries and firm but fair discipline, in addition to the nurturing and caretaking abilities. Ideally, the evaluator will hope to see a blend of structure, warmth and affection shown to the child. This combination optimizes parenting. During every stage of your divorce it’s important for you to assess the quality and degree of your parenting devotion and involvement, for you to use this time as an opportunity to increase the time you spend, and enhance your relationship with your children. However, in the event of a custody dispute, you will continually and consistently want to demonstrate your best capacities and attitudes. For an article on the needs of divorced children, click here.

A controversial issue in children’s care is whether or not a parent’s work hours is a detriment to his/her case. Nowadays, many young children spend time in day care, and this is not a negative factor in itself. On the other hand, if one parent is much more available than the other parent to spend time with the children, you need to take a hard look at why there is a custody battle between you.

Current circumstances are most important to the court, but if you or your spouse have engaged in past behaviors that were severe enough to impair your judgment and ability to parent, these matters can also be considered by the court. Such behaviors may include losing your temper with the other parent or your child and acting rashly and harshly, especially if it was done in sight of witnesses whom the other parent will now enlist in his/her behalf. More extreme examples include ongoing verbal or physical abuse of the other parent, the children, or even pets.

If this describes you, you will want to be able to state clearly how your past behavior does not relate to the present situation, and how you have changed. If this pertains to your spouse, and is ongoing, document in as much detail as you can what the past problem was, including any supporting materials such as police reports, doctors reports, child abuse reports, and so forth. You will also need to be able to explain why this past behavior impacts your spouse’s current ability to be a good parent. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Development of Children, Growth of Children, Needs of Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Living Arrangements | Comments Off

Operating as a Family after the Trial

Monday, October 4th, 2010

After the trial, after listening to all of that testimony, win or lose, you have to continue to operate as a family. You will have to attend your children’s Bar Mitzvahs, First Communions, school plays, soccer games, and even their weddings….a whole lifetime of activities in which your children need both you and your spouse to participate. Maintaining a civil relationship will be very difficult after a contested custody trial. Click here for some advice from Dr. Phil.

In order to consider what you need a trial, you can visit the court and ask the clerk where and when any custody trials will be held. Most cases are open to the public, and you can sit in and watch the proceedings.

Assuming you’ve considered the costs to your children and yourself, examined your own motivations, and still decided it’s best to proceed with a contested custody case, you have a great deal of planning and work to do to assist your chances of success. That planning requires understanding exactly what a contested custody case entails.

Telling Your Children About Why You Are Involved in a Court Battle

You should explain to your child that Mom (or Dad) and you have become very angry at each other, and that you are no longer able to make decisions together right now. The one thing you agree on is that you both want very much to have the child in your life as much as possible from day to day. You know the child can’t be in two places at once, so you are asking the judge to help you make a plan. The court will make the decisions, and Mom and Dad have agreed to abide by them. If the situation includes a mental illness, you might wish to add, if your child is capable of understanding, that Mom/Dad is not well (describe the type of illness) and is not able to make good decisions right now. You have asked the court to help you because the court is neutral and will help find the least detrimental situation for your child. Reassure your child that the decision is not in his or her hands. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: After the Trial, Going to Trial, Operating as a Family
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Going to Trial, Moving On | Comments Off

Child Support vs. Custody

Thursday, September 16th, 2010

For the parent paying child support, the amount may seem astronomical. “Given the dollars involved, the children should be living like kings.” For the recipient, the money is never enough. The recipient is “shopping with coupons, wearing hand-me-downs, and eating leftovers – and still the ends never meet.” Click here for child support information.

Most people drastically underestimate what children cost. They also underestimate what maintaining two households costs. While you’re living together as a family, you’re paying for one family home, one set of toys, and one set of clothes. When you separate, you’re suddenly paying for two homes, two sets of toys, and almost two sets of clothes. Not all of the additional expenses have to do with the children directly: there are two mortgages or rents, two sets of home insurance, and two sets of household items. And your children’s needs are increasing with age: dancing lessons, soccer dues, hockey equipment, and field trip entrance fees.

Statistically, men who pay child support fare better economically than women who receive child support just years after the divorce is finalized. The Child Support Guidelines adopted by each state were designed to even out the economics of the custodial vs. non-custodial parent. For those who pay support as ordered, and those who receive it, the finances are evening out somewhat. However, other societal factors work against equality, such as the differences in wages between men and women doing the same jobs. Also, parents who see children only on weekends and days off are free to work overtime during the week, and to pursue career-enhancing activities when the children are not with them.

When spouses become embittered about their side of the “lopsided” financial picture, both spouses blame the other, and grouch about their side of the financial picture. If you are feeling angry about how little you get, or how much you pay, try to sit down together and assess where the money is going. Use general categories rather than details about you each spend your money; the divorce obviates that obligation to each other. But look at broad categories and ascertain whether in fact someone is “getting screwed,” or whether there is just less money to spread around. Becoming more realistic about your finances may improve relations with your spouse enormously.

Although the advent of child support guidelines have decreased the tendency to use child support as a bargaining chip in custody negotiations, it still happens. Many parents ask about reductions in child support for shared custody situations. Other parents ask for reductions in support based on split custodial arrangements. The laws of most states recognize that these situations are special, and may warrant an adjustment to the amount of money that one parent pays to the other. Exactly how much the support amounts vary depends on the laws of each state. Some have complicated calculations based on the percentage of time spent with each parent, and other states treat each case separately, based on the facts. Click here for another interesting article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Child Support, Finances
Posted in Cost of Divorce, Creative Problem Solving, Custody | Comments Off

Can I Relocate?

Monday, August 30th, 2010

Many parents ask “Can I relocate?” and the answer always depends on the individual circumstances at the time. Given our increasingly mobile society, it is not at all unusual for one spouse to need to move out of state, or even out of the country. Increasingly, the courts are trying to determine whether it is in the child’s best interest to move, even if the child has lived with a primary physical custodial parent for quite some time. Click here for an article about relocating after divorce.

The court will consider all of the factors that have gone into the original custody decree, as well as the reason for the move, the ability of the child to maintain contact with the other parent, what kind of visitation would be set up for the parent left behind (as well as extended family), and the living situation for the child in the new city or state.

If you anticipate a relocation you should probably deal with it as part of your divorce up front. If you think that maybe some day you might want to relocate, putting a notice provision with respect to relocation into your settlement agreement is important. Many such provisions call for 90 to 180 days notice before someone can move. Sample relocation clauses are included in the appendix. This notice enables time to negotiate or motion the court to prevent the move while it is being worked out by the parents. Relocation is not a good bargaining chip, as it evokes a sense of threat, and often pushes the other person to become more intransigent and stubborn out of fear of losing contact with the children. Click here for another great article on relocation after divorce.

In most jurisdictions it will be up to you to prove that moving out of state is in the children’s best interests. While you may have many reasons why it’s in your best interests to move, is it really in the children’s best interests? How will they maintain contact with the other parent? How involved are they in their school and school activities? Will close friends and extended family be left behind? How well does your child adjust to new situations?

The legal custody designation (i.e. joint legal custody) has little to do with whether or not you will be permitted to move. The actual circumstances of your case will be the determining factor. The more involved the other parent has been in the children’s lives, the more difficult it will be for you to prove that it is in the children’s best interests to move far away from them. Therefore, having sole legal custody doesn’t automatically permit you to move with the children, and having joint legal custody doesn’t automatically prevent you from moving with the children. Sometimes the court will say, “Sure you can leave, but your children will stay with their other parent.” This has happened even when the children have always lived with the leaving parent.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Modifying Custody, Projtecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Life After Divorce, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Listening to the Children, Modifying Custody, Needs of the Children, Problems with Visitation
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Self Esteem, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

Using a Calendar

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Your first planning step is to find a blank 12 month calendar. First, chart out the activities for each of your children. List all fixed activities such as when they leave for and return home from school or day care, and when they need to be at each activity (e.g., baseball, music lesson, religious school, ballet, etc.). You may want to use an entire year’s worth of calendars because sports, school, and other activities the children participate in are seasonal. Use the child’s school calendar and also mark in the school vacations.

Now, with a different colored pen, plot in your own time commitments. Include everything, whether it is work, school, church volunteerism, or any other activities that you pursue on a regular basis. Don’t forget standing meetings and fixed appointments. It will begin to be clear how your schedule meshes with your children’s and where the obvious holes lie.

Again using a different colored pen, chart out when your spouse has obligations, such as work or school. Now it should also be clear when your spouse is free to spend time with the children.

You can now start to draw up your parenting times. If you have to be at work, but your spouse is available, then the children could be with your spouse at that time. If you are available, but your spouse is not, then the children should be with you. For a terrific article on using a parenting calendar, click here.

You can become more specific when you consider all of the children’s commitments, which parent has historically filled those commitments, and which parent(s) is able to do them over the course of the year. Click here for an online parenting calendar.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Communicating Schedules, Orgainzed Co-parenting, Using a Calendar
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Living Arrangements, children of divorce | Comments Off

He was never involved before – why now?

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

A common complaint from women is that their husbands were never interested in being an involved parent before the divorce, and now they want equal time after divorce. It does feel unfair if you were the primary parent, and now your husband and/or child prefer a schedule in which you have to give up valued parenting time. However don’t assume your husband is making choices just to anger you. Many men become better fathers after divorce, once they are emotionally freed from the restrictions they felt by the unhappy marriage. Pre-divorce father-child relationships are not always good predictors of post divorce father-child relationships. It may seem unfair to you, but wouldn’t you rather your child have more of his father than less? Even if you don’t, this is the child’s father, after all. And you did choose him to be the father. Divorce can open doors to positive changes for everyone. Click here for more.

Prior to divorce, Ellen had been the parent with primary responsibility for rearing the children. She took them to school, to the doctor, and to their activities. Although she and her husband worked for the same company, she left work if the children became ill during the school day. She views Bob as a good father, but emotionally distant, and too uninvolved in the children’s daily life.

Suddenly, when she filed for divorce, he became Super Dad. He spent lots of time with the children, attended their soccer games, and contacted all of their teachers to introduce himself. Although Ellen was happy about this change in Bob, she was suspicious of his motives. She was sure he just wanted to pay her less child support, as he now wanted joint custody of the children. It was difficult for her to consider sharing the children for half of the week. Yet, at the same time, she was reluctant to discourage him because the children were so obviously delighted with his new behavior.

Many women fight their husbands’ desire for joint custody in similar scenarios, seething with resentment. She can oppose his desires, or she can give him the benefit of the doubt that his motivation emanates from the heart, as opposed to financial incentive. Click here for another article about men as fathers after divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changes in Parenting Styles, New Levels of Involvement, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for Pre-schoolers

Wednesday, July 21st, 2010

Children at this age learn to control their aggression and impulses, achieve a healthy sex role identification, and develop peer relationships. Clear roles and boundaries between parents are important, as children at this age are very rule bound and make the world more understandable by imposing rules they can count on. Notice this age’s emphasis on games that have rules, winners and losers. It is all part of becoming competent and learning how to play new games, concretely and metaphorically. This age child also feels very powerful, and is learning to wield his masculine or her feminine wiles. Male and female children benefit from having relationships with fathers and mothers, as they discover how men and women are different, and what it means to belong to the gender into which they have been born. Click here for more in parenting plans.

For the preschooler, spending time in the non-primary parent’s home up to three nights per week is acceptable. Even 2-3 consecutive days are manageable for many youngsters. The every other weekend schedule may work well by this age, with additional time during 1-2 afternoons or evenings, and more frequent phone contact. No more than a full week should be spent away from either parent, if at all possible. For more on parenting plans, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Parenting Plans, Protecting Children
Posted in Creative Problem Solving, Custody, children of divorce | Comments Off

Recent Posts

Categories

Recent Comments

Archive for the ‘Creative Problem Solving’ Category

Other Options for Victims of PAS

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

Operating as a Family after the Trial

Child Support vs. Custody

Can I Relocate?

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Using a Calendar

He was never involved before – why now?

Parenting Plans for Pre-schoolers