Most people drastically underestimate what children cost.  They also underestimate what maintaining two households costs.  While you’re living together as a family, you’re paying for one family home, one set of toys, and one set of clothes. When you separate, you’re suddenly paying for two homes, two sets of toys, and almost two sets of clothes. Not all of the additional expenses have to do with the children directly: there are two mortgages or rents, two sets of home insurance, and two sets of household items. And your children’s needs are increasing with age: dancing lessons, soccer dues, hockey equipment, and field trip entrance fees. 

Statistically, men who pay child support fare better economically than women who receive child support just  years after the divorce is finalized. The Child Support Guidelines adopted by each state were designed to even out the economics of the custodial vs. non-custodial parent. For those who pay support as ordered, and those who receive it, the finances are evening out somewhat. However, other societal factors work against equality, such as the differences in wages between men and women doing the same jobs.  Also, parents who see children only on weekends and days off are free to work overtime during the week, and to pursue career-enhancing activities when the children are not with them.

When spouses become embittered about their side of the “lopsided” financial picture, both spouses blame the other, and grouch about their side of the financial picture. If you are feeling angry about how little you get, or how much you pay, try to sit down together and assess where the money is going. Use general categories rather than details about you each spend your money;  the divorce obviates that obligation to each other. But look at broad categories and ascertain whether in fact someone is “getting screwed,” or whether there is just less money to spread around. Becoming more realistic about your finances may improve relations with your spouse enormously. 

Although the advent of child support guidelines have decreased the tendency to use child support as a bargaining chip in custody negotiations, it still happens. Many parents ask about reductions in child support for shared custody situations. Other parents ask for reductions in support based on split custodial arrangements.  The laws of most states recognize that these situations are special, and may warrant an adjustment to the amount of money that one parent pays to the other. Exactly how much the support amounts vary depends on the laws of each state. Some have complicated calculations based on the percentage of time spent with each parent, and other states treat each case separately, based on the facts. Click here for another interesting article.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Joint physical custody

Joint physical custody takes various forms. Some children spend one week with one parent, and the next week with the other parent; others spend 3 nights one week with one parent, and four nights the next week. Various other permutations are also used (discussed later in this chapter), and as long as the children spend nearly equal time with each parent, the specific arrangement is not germane to the title. In this arrangement, children often think of themselves as having two homes. Click here for an article on joint physical custody.  

Compared to joint legal custody, joint physical custody is a relatively rare event, with national estimates ranging from about 10-20% of divorced families. It is also a difficult arrangement to maintain; studies show that many families who begin in dual residence arrangements move to more traditional schedules over time. This is due to the difficulty of maintaining such arrangements, as they require cooperation, organization, and flexibility. This scenario typically works best when the parents live near each other and transportation to and from school and extracurricular activities is easily resolved, logistically speaking. It also works best when parents are able to communicate and cooperate with each other about scheduling matters, and the child’s temperament is organized and relaxed when faced with multiple transitions. The pluses and minuses of such arrangements are discussed below.

Split custody arrangements: separating siblings

Generally courts will avoid separating siblings and placing them in different households.  Under some circumstances, siblings are split up. This is a practice better off avoided if possible, but there are certainly circumstances in which it makes sense. For an article on split custody, click here.  

For example, if one child has special needs and the other child taunts or torments that child, or if the children have unique educational needs that are best met in different districts, split custody may be the preferred option. In some cases, a female child is very identified with Mother and a male child with Father to such an extent that they request living apart to stay with the parent with whom they have sided. If your children are old enough to know what they want, and the situation makes sense given all other circumstances, consideration could be given to this option.

However, the children should not be divided for the sake of parental compromise. No matter how siblings do or don’t get along, childhood bonds between siblings are most likely to form in enduring ways when the children grow up together. This aspect of the children’s development should not be sacrificed for the parents’ wishes. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

For example, if you are claiming your spouse hid money in an account, likely documents which would support that claim would be the bank or stock account records which reflect the money, deposit slips showing deposits into those accounts, pay stubs which show automatic deductions to that account, and perhaps loan documents which show that account as an asset. Those different documents together prove the same point.

Each of the points which you intend to cover should be organized in terms of importance. The most important points should be covered early in the trial. The presentation will also need to make sense chronologically. If you jump around too much in time, the court is likely to get confused.

Make an outline, or assist your attorney in making an outline, of the points that you intend to make in the trial.  You will not be permitted to read directly from your outline during the trial, but the act of outlining what you plan to cover increases the likelihood that you will cover all of the crucial points. You may refer to your notes or documents during your testimony with permission of the court, but keep in mind that opposing counsel may also look at any document you use to refresh your memory during the trial. Click here for some terrific information on the financial aspect of divorce.

Also make an outline of what you anticipate your spouse’s case against you will cover.  Be prepared to answer questions about those issues.  For example, if your spouse has repeatedly accused you of over spending, assume that this will be one of his or her arguments in the case, and be prepared to justify your expenditures. Click here  for an article on some of the caveats of mismanaging money within a marriage.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Sometimes clients and lawyers are not on the same wavelength concerning what will be important at a trial. While the client may be feeling a great deal of stress, grief, loss and anger over the situation, the lawyer views this essentially as a business deal. The lawyer needs to view it that way — that’s why you are paying him/her: for expertise, experience, and objectivity.

While for the divorcing parties a trial is both an economic and psychological decision, understand that judges are mostly concerned with providing a reasonably fair allocation of income and assets based on the laws of your state. They are not concerned with unraveling every transaction between you and your spouse. Fault issues like endless arguments and hurtful words may be at the forefront of your mind, but will seem minor to the judge. Don’t make the decision to try your case on moral grounds alone. This is essentially a business transaction, even if it doesn’t feel that way, and you need to decide how you can finalize your case in the least expensive way possible. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of a good, solid business decision.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Reduced Circumstances: Although some people may be disappointed over the reduction in lifestyle thanks to a layoff or change of interest rate, consider how dividing up a household doesn’t reduce costs.  Getting divorced will now mean that, however you and your spouse are dividing assets and responsibilities, you’re supporting two households on the same income that used to support one.  Even if you have a peaceful and inexpensive divorce, it definitely does not improve reduced resources.

It might be that problem is that you were unhappy and unfulfilled in the marriage, but you stayed because of the money.  Sometimes it’s easier to Spackle over problems with money than to address them.  You might be thinking “I want to leave this marriage” and then balked at the tumult of taking the kids out of private school, foregoing that trip to Hawaii each year, and downsizing your car.  If reduced circumstances have already stripped those things away, maybe you’ve just cleared the path to divorce.

In that case, more financial security created the problem by being a motivator for staying in an unhappy marriage, and losing those ties helped reveal the real issues.

Your Mistakes:  The mistake is really that you didn’t have the difficult conversations early. I can’t tell you the number of people who come in who have railed through their home equity line of credit because they didn’t have the heart to tell their spouse to stop shopping at Fred Segal.  But the discussion doesn’t revolve around the details.  It needs to be a dialogue that you are both engaged in.  “I want to share with you the home equity line of credit statement (or charge cards, etc).  I am concerned that we are over spending.  What do you think we should do?”  Have the conversation as a series of “I” statements (as opposed to “you should”) and a question to open up the discussion.

The other big fight we see is “We agreed you would go back to work after the kids went to school and then you never did.”

To turn the conversation around, the approach is similar to the discussion above:  “I am concerned that you’re not looking for a job when we agreed you’d go back to work when the kids were in school full time. What’s holding you back?”  If it’s that the spouse has changed his/her mind, then involve him or her in the budgeting process.  The loss of a second income will have an impact on the family.  How can each partner take responsibility for that?

Too many people just let it ride, and four years later end up in our office feeling like they’ve been let down by the spouse who didn’t go back to work or curb spending. They realized too late that the real problem was that both people weren’t involved in making an active decision.

Your Children:  While they may have started out as a surprise, their turning 18 and applying to college is not.  Have the conversations about college early and often.  And not just with your spouse, with the semi-adult children, too.  A drastic change in circumstances is something an 18 year old is able to understand.  But “we blew our wad on your siblings and didn’t plan for you” is sure to land him on a therapist’s couch.

Read more tips on dealing with finances in your relationship here: http://estestherapy.com/relationshiptips/2008/04/30/financial-stressors-keeping-your-relationship-strong-in-a-recession/, and to find out more about sharing college costs with your ex, go here: http://www.kiplinger.com/columns/drt/archive/2004/dt040826.html.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124743668592229179.html

Nice idea, in principal.  Right? It’s cheaper, you don’t have to worry about changing the kids’ schedules, you keep your same mailing address……

But what this article, and the similar article which appeared in the New York Times on December 30, 2008, failed to mention was that the time of separation and divorce can be a very difficult time for the participants.  Even for families which are not involved in chronic domestic violence, it is not uncommon for there to be 1 or 2 isolated incidents of violence surrounding the decision to divorce.

Are we sure that’s worth the money?

A client called last week and said, “We got into a fight and [spouse] slapped me. I called the police, and the police arrested [spouse]. Now what do I do?” This same client had called the week before complaining that he/she didn’t see how their mediation could be completed for the average amount of fees which we quote clients.  Now the cost of mediation is a drop in the bucket—-spouse had to be bailed out of jail, there’s a restraining order, and one or both spouses will need an attorney.  I’ll bet that spouse is no longer interested in settling through mediation, so the new divorce lawyers will easily cost 3 times the amount of money that client was worried about just a week prior.  And let’s not forget that all of this went down in front of the parties’ children.

So is it really about money?  At this point, I fail to see the savings.

Likewise, the Los Angeles Times has a similar article in today’s paper:

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As a 20 year divorce professional (litigator turned mediator) I worry that in an effort to save a couple of bucks that people are putting themselves in danger.  And if it’s not physical danger, per se, what about what the children are witnessing? Are these parents who are staying together really perfect role models for how adults should handle conflict?  I sure hope so, but somehow I doubt it.

Let’s not forget that an overwhelming number of non-gang-related homocides are [former or current] romantic partners. Remember the fellow who dressed as Santa and killed half of his wife’s family last Christmas? He was her ex husband.

My observation of “I can’t afford it” is really “I don’t value it so I’m not going to spend money on it”.  Remember when you shared an apartment with 2 other people in college? Or you clipped coupons to make ends meet because your first job paid $5 an hour?

Staying together in the same house while you’re getting divorced may work for some folks, but for those it does not work for, it is a disaster.

Often, less experienced practitioners will not charge an initial consultation fee, or even a retainer fee. In some cases, that’s because have not built up a clientele, and would like to encourage business. In other cases, they are simply less experienced. It’s hard to know whether a less experienced lawyer is going to do an extra good job on your case to develop a good reputation and encourage referrals, or whether the less experienced lawyer simply won’t know enough to handle your case effectively. That’s why it helps to get references from friends, family, other lawyers, and the local Bar Association.

Once you have hired a lawyer, ask for a written fee agreement. Most states require that this be done, but even if it’s not required, it helps to have in writing how much money the lawyer needs to get started on your case, how fees will be billed, what kinds of services you’ll be charged for, such as telephone calls or photocopying, at what hourly rate you’ll be charged, and what will be required if the retainer fee runs out. Your lawyer should also send you a monthly itemized bill so that you can keep track of your retainer, and the amount of time your lawyer is spending doing different tasks associated with your case.

If you are worried about your finances, see http://www.peace-talks.com/finformation.php. For a cost comparison of mediation and litigation, see http://www.peace-talks.com/compare.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.