The Wall Street Journal published an article today about staying together after you get divorced, or staying together while the divorce is going on.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124743668592229179.html

Nice idea, in principal.  Right? It’s cheaper, you don’t have to worry about changing the kids’ schedules, you keep your same mailing address……

But what this article, and the similar article which appeared in the New York Times on December 30, 2008, failed to mention was that the time of separation and divorce can be a very difficult time for the participants.  Even for families which are not involved in chronic domestic violence, it is not uncommon for there to be 1 or 2 isolated incidents of violence surrounding the decision to divorce.

Are we sure that’s worth the money?

A client called last week and said, “We got into a fight and [spouse] slapped me. I called the police, and the police arrested [spouse]. Now what do I do?” This same client had called the week before complaining that he/she didn’t see how their mediation could be completed for the average amount of fees which we quote clients.  Now the cost of mediation is a drop in the bucket—-spouse had to be bailed out of jail, there’s a restraining order, and one or both spouses will need an attorney.  I’ll bet that spouse is no longer interested in settling through mediation, so the new divorce lawyers will easily cost 3 times the amount of money that client was worried about just a week prior.  And let’s not forget that all of this went down in front of the parties’ children.

So is it really about money?  At this point, I fail to see the savings.

Likewise, the Los Angeles Times has a similar article in today’s paper:

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As a 20 year divorce professional (litigator turned mediator) I worry that in an effort to save a couple of bucks that people are putting themselves in danger.  And if it’s not physical danger, per se, what about what the children are witnessing? Are these parents who are staying together really perfect role models for how adults should handle conflict?  I sure hope so, but somehow I doubt it.

Let’s not forget that an overwhelming number of non-gang-related homocides are [former or current] romantic partners. Remember the fellow who dressed as Santa and killed half of his wife’s family last Christmas? He was her ex husband.

My observation of “I can’t afford it” is really “I don’t value it so I’m not going to spend money on it”.  Remember when you shared an apartment with 2 other people in college? Or you clipped coupons to make ends meet because your first job paid $5 an hour?

Staying together in the same house while you’re getting divorced may work for some folks, but for those it does not work for, it is a disaster.