Emphasize that you tried to work out your differences. Explain what you have done in simple terms: you have talked a lot, gone to counseling, or whatever else you have tried to do to save the marriage. The important message to convey is that this is a thoughtful decision, made with care and consideration for how painful it will be for the whole family.
Children need to be reminded concretely that they are not losing either of their parents. Tell them the obvious: that you both love them and will continue to love them. Parents divorce each other but they cannot and do not want to divorce their children. Reassure your children that they will have access to both parents, that they can spend time with the parent who is moving out during the week and/or on weekends. The time will start immediately, and they will be able to talk to the parent moving out on the telephone as often as they desire. Reassure your children that grandparents, aunts and uncles, other supportive friends and caretakers will remain present in their lives.
Your children will then need factual information. Explain to your children when their parent will be moving out; if possible, give your children information about where that parent will be living. If you have young children (six years or younger), they will be especially concerned about where they will eat and sleep, who will feed them and take care of them, and who will put them to bed and get them up in the morning. School age children will want information about what will change in their environment: where they will go to school, when they will see their friends, and assurance that they can continue with the activities in which they are involved. Older children, preteens and teenagers will want to know how financial arrangements will affect them. Will they have to give up their car? Can they still take karate lessons? If these things will not change for them, reassure them as such. If you are not sure, tell them you are not sure, that the details haven’t been ironed out, but you will listen for their input about what’s most important to them as you make decisions.
Wallerstein and Kelly’s study showed that children often feel responsible for their parents’ breakup. This is especially likely among children who are preschoolers or just starting school, since this age group tends to be “egocentric”– to see the world as revolving around them. Not all children feel this way, and some who do won’t admit to it. But tell your children plainly that the divorce is no fault of theirs, and they did nothing to make it happen. Nor can they do anything to fix it. This divorce business is between the adults. Click here for an article on a child’s view of divorce.
Finally, encourage questions. This demonstrates to your children that expressing feelings is not only allowed but valued; the capacity to express difficult feelings such as very deep sadness, anger, fear, and insecurity can replace the need to act out feelings that are submerged or in need of attention. It will put your kids in good stead throughout life to know how to talk about their feelings. This also teaches children that you can handle whatever feelings they lay on you, with the implicit message that you can also handle your own feelings and the divorce. Click here for ideas about activities children can engage in to help them during your divorce.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
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