Archive for the ‘Conflict Management’ Category

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What if My Child is in Danger?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

If you believe that your child is in imminent danger from the visits, you need to report this to the proper authorities immediately. Take your child to his or her pediatrician for a full checkup, and let the doctor know what you suspect.  You also need to request that the court issue a restraining order for your children to protect them from the abuser. Stop allowing your child to visit under these circumstances, even though you may be facing court sanctions for doing so.  Your primary goal is to protect your children, and if you are certain that the visitation is physically harming them, you need to stop the visits. For information on restraining orders, click here.  

Once the court is aware of the situation (which it will be, because of the restraining order) the judge can set the matter for a hearing so that you can present all of your evidence against visitation, and the court can modify the existing orders so that your children will be safe.

In other less exigent circumstances, your choices and plan of action are less clear. Sometimes problems happen during visitation, but it’s impossible for you to tell if the situation warrants filing a Motion for Modification of Visitation in court. You can file such a motion at any time; the problem is deciding when it would be appropriate to do so. Don’t file a motion which you cannot back up with proof. If you want visitation changed and can’t work it out between yourselves, you need to have solid reasons and evidence for asking for the change. Lots of children have a tough time adjusting to transitions, especially early in their parents’ divorce and separation. But how will you know when it’s appropriate to file for a modification of the court’s orders? For an article on modification of visitation, click here.

If you think, but you don’t know, that the visits are harming the children, then you need the assistance of a third party in order to determine how best to proceed. Have your children speak with a therapist or a school counselor if you think that something inappropriate may be going on, but are not in a position to prove it. Once they’ve spoken to a therapist or counselor, that person can let you know whether or not you need to intervene to change the way that the  place, without violating your child’s confidentiality.  If the reasons are less serious, and the harm to your child is questionable or less serious, use a third party to determine what is a phase, what can be corrected with minimal adjustments to schedule or types of visits, and what needs to be borne out over time. Examine your own behavior and make sure you are not giving your child messages that you need him or her to stay with you, for company, support, or to punish the other parent. This is an unfair burden to place on your child.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.  

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Self Esteem, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | No Comments »

High Conflict Hurts Children

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

High contact with both parents coupled with high conflict among parents is not in children’s best interests. There is no ambiguity about this assertion! Children living around continuous conflict demonstrate higher levels of aggression and regression. Alternatively, parents in frequent contact who are supportive of each other have well-adjusted young children, whether or not they spend overnights. It is not the overnights, or the schedule in itself that is the critical link; rather, parents who work cooperatively and protect their children from negative involvements in the parental relationship can each spend more time with their children without harming them. Click here for an article on how high conflict hurts children.

The research points to benefits of shared parenting defined as shared decision making, as well as shared time between two homes. A shared parenting label may denote and promote more contact with the less-seen parent. Parents who are sharing responsibility for child rearing enjoy having a legal status that advertises their joint authority and equitable involvement. And they stay involved with their children. However, involvement does not refer primarily to the amount of time fathers or mothers spend with their children. Research on fathers as the non-custodial, or less seen parent, shows that the amount of time fathers spend with their children is not the most important factor for a child’s healthy development. The amount of contact between father and child is important because it facilitates a closer parent-child relationship. But time does not automatically equal closeness. The quality of time spent and the level of involvement in child rearing are consistently more important to child well-being after divorce.

Win/win strategies for shared parenting

Develop a joint plan for resolving conflicts; make compromises, and above all else, keep your kids out of the middle of your arguments.

Support each other’s privacy; what goes on in the other house is none of your business unless it endangers your child.

Respect the other parent; talk civilly, use common courtesies, help your children appreciate and recognize the other parent’s efforts to be close to them.

Communicate regularly with the other parent; use notes, e-mail and faxes as well as phone calls.

Do your share of parenting responsibilities and be clear about what you need and expect from the other parent in order to co-parent smoothly.

Problems or no problems, it is always a good idea to keep the other parent updated as to what is happening when the children are with you by sending a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly letter along with school papers, sports schedules, report cards, drawings, and any and all other materials which may come your way by virtue of the time the children spend with you.  A side benefit of sending written materials is that you can photocopy them and keep them in a journal so that you have them as indications of your attempts to keep the other parent informed in the event that co-parenting cooperativeness breaks down, and there are subsequent allegations that you were not cooperative. Click here for an excellent, 23 page pamphlet on shared parenting.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Shared Parenting (Co-parenting) versus Custody

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Custody refers to a legal arrangement, while shared parenting describes the actual activity between the adults. Often shared parenting, also called co-parenting, is interpreted to mean that parents are able to raise their children together, even if the parents are no longer marital partners. Cooperative and communicative parenting is optimal, but co-parenting can be effectively accomplished in less optimal circumstances, as long as parents can put aside their differences and stay focused on what their children need and deserve. This can take the form of parents discussing most aspects of child rearing. Or it can take the form of having each parent contribute primary decision making and authority in certain areas, with shared discussions when the parents are faced with complications or uncertainties. Click here for a terrific co-parenting website.   

For example, Juan and Maria agreed that through their co-parenting arrangement they both would spend significant amounts of time with their daughter, Valerie, each week.  Juan would take primary responsibility for religious upbringing since that was of utmost importance to him; as an elementary school teacher, Maria would take primary responsibility (with input from Juan) for decisions about what kinds of preschool experiences Valerie should have before Kindergarten. They would discuss any medical and mental health decisions, leaving fewer areas open to potential disagreement.

Researcher Constance Ahrons found four types of postdivorce relationships between spouses:

  • Perfect Pals
  • Cooperative Colleagues
  • Angry Associates
  • Fiery Foes

Two of the four types can create an effective co-parenting alliance. Perfect Pals maintain close personal ties; Cooperative Colleagues are civil and cooperative, though their relationship requires frequent negotiation. Angry Associates and Fiery Foes, on the other hand, do not contain their conflict, and therefore, children are incorporated into it in a way that makes co-parenting problematic, if not impossible. Click here to visit Constance Ahrons’ website.  Successful co-parents:

  • Communicate and negotiate with each other about the children
  • Respect each other as parents despite adult disappointments and personal differences
  • Put past disagreements aside and concentrate on the children
  • Share control with each other and adopt a hands-off attitude toward how the other person parents
  • Tolerate differences in child rearing practices and values without labeling them as harmful to the child, and distinguishes between important and unimportant differences
  • Value what the other has to offer as a parent 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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How Can I Best Help My Children During the Early Stage of Divorce?

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Your children have developmental tasks they must master relative to the divorce, just as they do relative to other challenges they will face in their lifetime. They need to be accepting of the divorce without becoming drawn into it, deal with feelings of loss and blame (self and parental), and learn to look to the future again with optimism. There are many ways you can make this period easier for your children. Follow as many of these suggestions as you can. Do not worry if you cannot meet all of them, but to the greater extent you can respond in these ways, the better.

Be Predictable

Continue your usual lifestyle and routine as much as possible, including activities, chores, and visiting family and friends.  Continuity and predictability is one way you can reduce the disruption in your children’s lives.  Maintain rules and traditions. Have dinner at the same time on a regular basis, have the same expectations for homework as you did before the separation, and most important, maintain discipline!  When change is necessary,  inform your children of plans and changes that may affect them.  Get their input about what they need in the schedule. If either parent wishes to change a plan that involves contact with the children, tell the children well in advance and attempt to find an acceptable alternative, if need be.  Try not to be late for occasions that involve the children, for instance, picking them up after school, or after an outing.  If you are paying child support, pay consistently and on time. Your children need to be able to rely on you.

Remain Involved. If Not Involved, Get Involved

Some children feel that the parent who is no longer in the family home has rejected them.  In order to reassure your children that you are still a part of their lives, remain involved. This means with homework and their friends, not just time alone with them.  If you were the parent who is leaving the home, you must check in with the parent remaining at home regarding the children’s sporting activities, school concerts, and weekend activities.  Ask your children about these activities, show your interest.  Telephone your children when you have not seen them for a day or two,  just to say “hi”.  If your children are not great conversationalists on the telephone, don’t worry about that. Your children know that you are there, you are available, and that you are concerned.  They will remember that you showed interest. Click here for  a terrific article on helping children with divorce.    

You may feel empty and distressed each time you see your children; assume that they will have the same feelings.  It is not uncommon for parents in this situation to consider ceasing contact with their children because the transitions are so painful.  If a parent disappears after separation, the child’s worst fears are reinforced.  You have abandoned them; now they believe they are not lovable. It is crucial that you maintain contact with them, no matter how painful it may be for you.

For most people, it does get easier over time. For more terrific information, click here.   

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Talking with Your Children

Monday, April 19th, 2010

Emphasize that you tried to work out your differences. Explain what you have done in simple terms: you have talked a lot, gone to counseling, or whatever else you have tried to do to save the marriage. The important message to convey is that this is a thoughtful decision, made with care and consideration for how painful it will be for the whole family.

Children need to be reminded concretely that they are not losing either of their parents. Tell them the obvious: that you both love them and will continue to love them. Parents divorce each other but they cannot and do not want to divorce their children.  Reassure your children that they will have access to both parents, that they can spend time with the parent who is moving out during the week and/or on weekends. The time will start immediately, and they will be able to talk to the parent moving out on the telephone as often as they desire.  Reassure your children that grandparents, aunts and uncles, other supportive friends and caretakers will remain present in their lives.

Your children will then need factual information.  Explain to your children when their parent will be moving out; if possible, give your children information about where that parent will be living. If you have young children (six years or younger), they will be especially concerned about where they will eat and sleep, who will feed them and take care of them, and who will put them to bed and get them up in the morning. School age children will want information about what will change in their environment: where they will go to school, when they will see their friends, and assurance that they can continue with the activities in which they are involved. Older children, preteens and teenagers will want to know how financial arrangements will affect them. Will they have to give up their car? Can they still take karate lessons? If these things will not change for them, reassure them as such. If you are not sure, tell them you are not sure, that the details haven’t been ironed out, but you will listen for their input about what’s most important to them as you make decisions.

Wallerstein and Kelly’s study showed that children often feel responsible for their parents’ breakup. This is especially likely among children who are preschoolers or just starting school, since this age group tends to be “egocentric”– to see the world as revolving around them. Not all children feel this way, and some who do won’t admit to it. But tell your children plainly that the divorce is no fault of theirs, and they did nothing to make it happen. Nor can they do anything to fix it. This divorce business is between the adults. Click here for an article on a child’s view of divorce.  

Finally, encourage questions. This demonstrates to your children that expressing feelings is not only allowed but valued; the capacity to express difficult feelings such as very deep sadness, anger, fear, and insecurity can replace the need to act out feelings that are submerged or in need of attention. It will put your kids in good stead throughout life to know how to talk about their feelings. This also teaches children that you can handle whatever feelings they lay on you, with the implicit message that you can also handle your own feelings and the divorce. Click here for ideas about activities children can engage in to help them during your divorce. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Preparing Myself and My Children

Monday, April 12th, 2010

The family that your children have known is about to undergo tremendous change.  Divorce research has shown that children are rarely informed about their parents’ pending separation and divorce prior to its occurrence. The younger the children, the less chance that they were told in advance about the divorce.

Parents’ reasons for not informing their children are well intentioned. They are anxious and afraid themselves, and they have difficulty figuring out when and what to say.  Some parents fear burdening their children if they say too much. Others are concerned that their children won’t understand the reasons, and that the information will add to their hurt unnecessarily. Sometimes parents wait until the time seems right, and then events gather momentum, and the opportunity has slipped away. All of these reasons that parents wait to tell their children are understandable, but they are not helpful. Your children need to know. In fact, it will make the divorce more predictable to them, which will facilitate their healthy adaptation. Click here for an article on preparing children for divorce.

How Do We Tell the Children?

The first step in informing your children about the separation and divorce is for you and your spouse to sit down and talk about it by yourselves. Decide if you are definite about separating; it is not helpful for your children to hear that you might do this. Once you have reached a decision, make an agreement about where the children will live and what kind of parenting plan your spouse and you will implement, at least on a temporary basis. You are then ready to speak to the children about your decisions.

A family meeting is a good forum to tell your children about your decisions. There are several advantages for your children if both of you can tell them together of your plans.  Children will see that you intend to cooperate and work together as parents.  It gives the messages that although this is a painful turn of events, we will deal with it together. Also, we can talk about it. The invitation exists to talk about undesirable subjects. By logical extension, feelings and actions of all kinds are acceptable fodder for discussion. Most of all, your actions show the children that you, as parents, are in charge and will continue to care together for them.

The first thing to tell the children is that you will be divorcing. You may want to say: “We have been unhappy for a long time because we fight so much.  We have tried very hard to get along better and to work things out, but we have decided it is necessary to live apart. It is our best chance of preserving our friendship. We have decided to separate. We have decided that Mom/Dad will move out.” Click here for more information about telling your children about divorce.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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My Spouse’s View of Me Doesn’t Fit With My Own Perceptions

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

Nothing is more frustrating than having your ex go all over town saying things about you that you know not to be true. Worse, they are often things that are the opposite of how you view yourself.  Mike’s wife viewed every effort  he made to be involved in  his son’s life as controlling. So when he wanted to come to every tennis match, she told their son that he just wanted to use the games as a way to see her, and that he wanted the boy to win games for his own gratification. Mike was furious because he wound up fighting with his son every time he wanted to attend his matches. He wanted his boy to win, but that’s not why he loved being at the games. He felt that there was so little he could share day-to-day with Tommy, since he didn’t live with him anymore, and the games gave him something to talk about and a way to show his desire to be steadfast in the boy’s life. For an interesting discussion about spouses spreading rumors, click here.  

People often get caught up in going to trial to prove that their spouse’s view of themselves is wrong. This is a losing proposition, because you can’t change someone’s mind just because you want to; that person has to want to be open to a new interpretation. Often he or she is not. The court process is not going to change anyone’s opinion either. People who reach trial often say the exact same things about each other, using words like controlling, nasty, and lying. Some people diagnose each other, giving their spouse psychological labels that they only partially understand: borderline, antisocial, sex addicted, or narcissistic. Often someone is accused of being controlling and intimidating, and the other spouse is labeled as inconsistent and emotionally unstable. You can easily see how these two personality styles could influence the other, bringing out the worst. 

In research (Pruett, 1998), every couple interviewed that reported at least some conflict in their divorce said that their spouse used the legal system to get back at them in some way, while they never used the system to get back at their spouse.  Usually there is some kernel of objective truth in how spouses describe each other.  Maybe he is more forceful than her, or she does get weepy easily. But the extent to which the trait is ascribed is blown out of proportion, as much a product of the relationship as either person. For some tips for communicating with your spouse when things get negative, click here.

In any case, you cannot change someone’s negative view of you by fighting about it. You can only try and change that view by changing your own behavior. Refuse to engage at that level. Even so, understand that they may never see you the way you see yourself. It is important not to accept your spouse’s view of you, but to ask yourself if others see you similarly. Maybe even ask people close to you. Perhaps you can find the kernel of truth in your ex’s view, and use the divorce as an opportunity to better yourself in a way that will help you in your next relationship, with other people in general, or with your sense of self.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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Holding Your Ground without Conflict

Monday, March 29th, 2010

The fear of losing one’s property or children becomes a central motivator to fight back, the way an animal strikes out blindly when it senses its personal or familial security is threatened.    As the conflict increases, each person becomes more certain that they cannot trust the other, and therefore must turn to an outside party to police their interactions. The legal system is brought in for its protective functions. However, this view of the legal system stems from its functions in a criminal situation. In the civil realm, the court has few protections that it can enforce. It may be able to stop spouses from being violent or stealing property from each other. But it is a slow and cumbersome process, and often it does too little too late to be of assistance. The threat of the court’s authority keeps people afraid. They fear that their spouse will somehow prevail, they will succeed in unleashing their wrath legally, and the power of the court will be used to condone it. Click here for some excellent conflict management techniques.

If it is early enough in the conflict, you can stop this cycle by refusing to engage. Don’t fight back. Click here for a great article about walking away from conflict.   Hold your ground but do what you can not to inflame your spouse. Make small concessions, and bend over backwards not to fight. It means turning the other cheek and letting the other person have their way, but having the fighting stop will work to your advantage later. If you are already fighting over issues you cannot concede to, like sole custody of your child, then you must use the legal process but be sure to work with an attorney who understands your important bottom lines and what is worth fighting for, rather than an attorney who’s interested in supporting the fight.  Sometimes an attorney is well meaning, and encourages you to fight because he or she agrees you have been wronged. Such support does not always work to your advantage, despite the best of intentions. Your attorney should help you decide what not to fight about, as well. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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What if My Spouse is Lying?

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

If you know that your spouse is lying, inform your lawyer.  You are not permitted to talk during the trial while someone else is testifying, so write down anything that your spouse (or anyone else) says that is not true.  If it’s urgent, slide the paper over to your lawyer so he or she can read it immediately. If it can wait, talk to your lawyer during a court break. Never allow yourself to have an emotional outburst while court is in session.

Immediately think about what you or someone else knows that will prove that your spouse is lying.  If there is a document already in evidence which proves that your spouse is lying, then so much the better. Your lawyer can bring it to the attention of the court.  If the court decides your spouse is lying, his or her entire case will be undermined, even if the lie is about a small issue. Click here for an article about spouses lying during divorce cases.

Sometimes the lie is about such a small issue that it isn’t worth bringing up to the court or the judge. Sometimes what you perceive as a “lie” is just a different person’s interpretation of the facts.  On the other hand, if your spouse says, “I never took money out of the account” and you have canceled checks from the account showing he or she withdrew $2,000 two days before filing divorce papers, this needs to come to the court’s attention. You and your lawyer can decide together what is worthwhile to pursue, and what is best let go.

Why your spouse’s lie feels so horrible and how to react

Because so much is on the line at trial, when your spouse lies it inflames your sense of injustice. This person is taking you and your life apart, and then trying to lie, putting money above a relationship to you or your children. It reminds you of all the unfairness in the relationship, all the broken promises and smashed dreams. You are especially angry if  you know that your spouse  is capable of being a more decent person when less self-interested.  It is infuriating to have someone get away with an injustice in the forum that is supposed to protect people and see through the deceit. You long for the court to see through your spouse’s manipulations; can’t somebody see what he or she does when it is so obvious?! Whether or not the court can tell that this is a lie, such behavior will likely resurface many times again. You must accept that others may not be able to see your ex as you do, and that you may never get justice. Let it remind you that this is why you are divorcing and it is more important to minimize future interactions with this person than to prove something here. Let it reinforce that you are fighting to separate your lives, not to punish each other. For some information about how to get support when things are tough, click here.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

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