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Temporary Restraining Order

Wednesday, December 29th, 2010

If your spouse has been physically abusive or threatening to you in the immediate past, you may qualify for a Temporary Restraining Order. The general standard for such a restraining order is that the person against whom it is granted must be a relative of yours by blood or by marriage, or someone with whom you have lived. That person must have put you in a position where you are under a present threat of physical abuse. That means that if your spouse abused you 2 years ago, and in some cases 2 months ago, you will not qualify. You do not need to have bruises, black eyes, or broken bones in order to qualify. Threats such as “I will burn down the house before I give it to you”, menacing actions with handguns, pushing, shoving, and physical restraint may all qualify as abuse sufficient for a restraining order. You need not have the police involved in most cases in order to qualify. Click here for more information.

Most courts have set up the process so that you can apply for and obtain a Temporary Restraining Order without hiring an attorney. You can hire an attorney to help you obtain such an order, but it isn’t necessary. The procedure includes filling out appropriate forms, available at the Court Clerk’s office. You then tell a judge a brief explanation of the history of abuse and why you are afraid at the present time. The order goes into effect immediately. The order forbids your spouse from coming near you, into your home, or into your place of work, calling to harass you by telephone, placing any physical restraint on you, or assaulting you. Even coming near you is a violation of the restraining order, and your spouse could be arrested for doing so.

Thus, you may wish to obtain a TRO before the divorce papers are served, in order to protect yourself. For many, seeking a restraining order will be the last step towards a divorce after many episodes of abuse or threats, or both.

A follow-up hearing is then scheduled within a few days or weeks to give the person against whom you have the order a chance to tell his or her side of the story. If the restraining order is continued after the hearing, it usually stays in effect for several months, depending upon your state’s laws. These orders provide special relief for special circumstances, and should not be used in- appropriately in an effort to simply have your (non-abusive) spouse removed from the family home. Click here for another article on temporary restraining orders.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Protecting Yourself, Temporary Restraining Order
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Safety, Self Care | 1 Comment »

I am at Risk for Violence?

Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

If your spouse is controlling, jealous, possessive, and threatening in several of the ways described above, you are at risk for being hurt during your divorce. The risk increases for women if their partners own or have access to a gun, have a history of abusing alcohol or drugs, have stalked them in the past, or threatened violence or suicide. When you are the one leaving or your husband and you are involved in a custody dispute, you should be especially careful. If any or several of these descriptors fit your relationship, you should assess the likelihood of conflict escalating into violence with the help of an attorney or mental health professional, and you should take necessary precautions. Click here for an article on domestic abuse associated with divorce.

In the meantime, you can informally assess what the risk is for you of continued contact with your spouse by asking yourself these questions:

Is the frequency of the violence increasing?
Is the severity of the violence increasing?
What is the frequency of alcohol or drug use? How often is the point of intoxification (drunkeness) reached?
Has your spouse threatened to harm the children?
Has your spouse threatened to kill you or significant others?
Has your spouse threatened to coerce or hurt you sexually?
Have there been any suicide attempts or threats made?
Are any weapons available to him, and have they ever been used in fights before?
Does he have any known psychological problems?
How close do you live or work to each other?
How often does control get exerted around contact with the children, by him? By you?
What kinds of life stresses is he currently experiencing? How have these changed recently?
Does he have a criminal history?
Is there a new relationship in your life? Does he know? How has he acted about it?

If the answers indicate that you have reason to fear, and that trouble seems more likely at the current time, then you should proceed with immediacy and care.

Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Risk for Abuse
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Self Care | Comments Off

What if My Child has Witnessed Violence

Tuesday, December 21st, 2010

Over 3 million children are at risk of exposure to parental violence each year. Most research suggests that as many as 75% of children from violent homes observe their fathers battering their mothers, with reports ranging from 68% to 87%. It has been noted that in some instances the violence is most likely to occur when the children are present, as the father seeks to further humiliate his wife. The amount of hostility and verbal abuse turned on you can and does affect your children. Research shows that children who witness such behavior show long lasting effects.

Children are prone to suffer from parental violence in four ways:

Immediate trauma
Longer term adverse effects on their normal development
Living under high levels of stress on a consistent basis, with the trauma that fear of harm to self and mother inflicts
Exposure to violent role models

Children who have witnessed violence report fear, worry, confusion, and stress. They experience problems regardless of their age at the time of the violence. Children as young as one year were observed to regress in their behavior so dramatically that they were incorrectly diagnosed as mentally retarded. Preschoolers demonstrate more yelling, hiding, shaking, stuttering and aches and pains in their heads, stomachs, and bowels. Children older than about six years of age may identify with the aggressive parent, growing up to be aggressive or abusive themselves. This is especially true for boys who have watched their fathers berate and abuse their mothers. Girls are more likely to display passive, withdrawn and dependent behavior. They also are more likely to become targets of abusive fathers; they are 6.5 times more likely to be sexually abused by their fathers than are girls in nonviolent homes. In the long term, girls are likely to repeat their mothers’ behavior, falling into abusive relationships. Click here for more information.

Other problems experienced by children who witness their mothers being abused include pervasive anxiety, fear, sleep disruption (e.g., nightmares, bed wetting), and school problems. Depression, low self-esteem, poor self-confidence, and insecurity are internal symptoms recorded by researchers. Difficulties in academic achievement, concentration, absenteeism, and conflict with other children are more externalized symptoms also commonly found among children who witnessed violence at home. The children are often less socially competent than their peers, as they are more isolated and feel shame about their families. By adolescence, children who witnessed violence have more behavior problems, are more likely to get into trouble with the law, and are more likely to commit violent acts outside the family. One study suggests that these children are arrested by police four times more often than non-abused children. Some adolescents express their distress by running away, abuse of alcohol, or suicide attempts. In divorcing families where violence was frequent and ongoing, research has also traced the development of personality disorders that are difficult to change and require long and intensive therapy. For another article, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence Toward Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Child Support Issues, Conflict Management, Self Care | 1 Comment »

Setting Clear Boundaries

Wednesday, December 15th, 2010

Oftentimes, your situation does not meet the level of serious violence where you have to flee, but you are subject to ongoing intimidation. This is also a form of violence or battering. Understand that when you are being victimized, your children are at risk for being hurt too. Furthermore, you are teaching them about your expectations for relationships, a kind of learning that they may carry with them throughout their life and repeat when it is their turn to become involved in intimate relations. Set standards for how you will allow yourself and your children to be treated. Click here for a terrific article on boundary setting.

Indications that your partner has gone too far include: getting angry at you when you disagree; punching holes in walls; throwing objects (aimed at nothing or at you); destroying belongings; threatening to hurt you or leave you for the purpose of creating fear in you; physically restraining you from leaving home; putting pressure on you not to work when you want to; insulting or ridiculing you; becoming jealous of your friends, activities, or hobbies; making you account for your whereabouts at all times; using promises and lies to manipulate you or to get you to forgive an angry behavior; isolating you from friends or family; making you ask permission to go out or make a career move; threatening your possessions, pets, or children’s safety.

Do not allow behaviors that feel uncomfortable, frightening, or intimidating to become acceptable to you or your children. These behaviors are forms of abuse even if you do not fear for your safety. Make it clear to your spouse that he can no longer seek to control your life or your actions. If you do fear for your safety, you will need to take additional steps to stay safe. Click here for another terrific article.

When Your Children Are Involved and Affected

Children can be affected from parental violence in several ways. They can be injured during an incident between their parents; they can be traumatized by fear for their mother and their own sense of helplessness in protecting her; they can blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it; they can be directly abused themselves; and they can be neglected by parents who cannot care for them properly due to the violence in their relationship. Studies show that parents underestimate how often and to what extent children are witnesses to parental violence. Both mothers and fathers report that children are witnesses less than the children report when given the opportunity to respond for themselves.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, Protecting Children, Setting Boundaries
Posted in Abuse, Acrimony, Conflict Management, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans, Self Care | Comments Off

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part. In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children as Pawns, Children Turning Against You, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Self Care, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

What if My Child is in Danger?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

If you believe that your child is in imminent danger from the visits, you need to report this to the proper authorities immediately. Take your child to his or her pediatrician for a full checkup, and let the doctor know what you suspect. You also need to request that the court issue a restraining order for your children to protect them from the abuser. Stop allowing your child to visit under these circumstances, even though you may be facing court sanctions for doing so. Your primary goal is to protect your children, and if you are certain that the visitation is physically harming them, you need to stop the visits. For information on restraining orders, click here.

Once the court is aware of the situation (which it will be, because of the restraining order) the judge can set the matter for a hearing so that you can present all of your evidence against visitation, and the court can modify the existing orders so that your children will be safe.

In other less exigent circumstances, your choices and plan of action are less clear. Sometimes problems happen during visitation, but it’s impossible for you to tell if the situation warrants filing a Motion for Modification of Visitation in court. You can file such a motion at any time; the problem is deciding when it would be appropriate to do so. Don’t file a motion which you cannot back up with proof. If you want visitation changed and can’t work it out between yourselves, you need to have solid reasons and evidence for asking for the change. Lots of children have a tough time adjusting to transitions, especially early in their parents’ divorce and separation. But how will you know when it’s appropriate to file for a modification of the court’s orders? For an article on modification of visitation, click here.

If you think, but you don’t know, that the visits are harming the children, then you need the assistance of a third party in order to determine how best to proceed. Have your children speak with a therapist or a school counselor if you think that something inappropriate may be going on, but are not in a position to prove it. Once they’ve spoken to a therapist or counselor, that person can let you know whether or not you need to intervene to change the way that the place, without violating your child’s confidentiality. If the reasons are less serious, and the harm to your child is questionable or less serious, use a third party to determine what is a phase, what can be corrected with minimal adjustments to schedule or types of visits, and what needs to be borne out over time. Examine your own behavior and make sure you are not giving your child messages that you need him or her to stay with you, for company, support, or to punish the other parent. This is an unfair burden to place on your child.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children in Danger, Domestic Violence Toward Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Acrimony, Conflict Management, Self Care, children of divorce | Comments Off

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Listening to the Children, Modifying Custody, Needs of the Children, Problems with Visitation
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Self Esteem, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

High Conflict Hurts Children

Wednesday, June 30th, 2010

High contact with both parents coupled with high conflict among parents is not in children’s best interests. There is no ambiguity about this assertion! Children living around continuous conflict demonstrate higher levels of aggression and regression. Alternatively, parents in frequent contact who are supportive of each other have well-adjusted young children, whether or not they spend overnights. It is not the overnights, or the schedule in itself that is the critical link; rather, parents who work cooperatively and protect their children from negative involvements in the parental relationship can each spend more time with their children without harming them. Click here for an article on how high conflict hurts children.

The research points to benefits of shared parenting defined as shared decision making, as well as shared time between two homes. A shared parenting label may denote and promote more contact with the less-seen parent. Parents who are sharing responsibility for child rearing enjoy having a legal status that advertises their joint authority and equitable involvement. And they stay involved with their children. However, involvement does not refer primarily to the amount of time fathers or mothers spend with their children. Research on fathers as the non-custodial, or less seen parent, shows that the amount of time fathers spend with their children is not the most important factor for a child’s healthy development. The amount of contact between father and child is important because it facilitates a closer parent-child relationship. But time does not automatically equal closeness. The quality of time spent and the level of involvement in child rearing are consistently more important to child well-being after divorce.

Win/win strategies for shared parenting

Develop a joint plan for resolving conflicts; make compromises, and above all else, keep your kids out of the middle of your arguments.

Support each other’s privacy; what goes on in the other house is none of your business unless it endangers your child.

Respect the other parent; talk civilly, use common courtesies, help your children appreciate and recognize the other parent’s efforts to be close to them.

Communicate regularly with the other parent; use notes, e-mail and faxes as well as phone calls.

Do your share of parenting responsibilities and be clear about what you need and expect from the other parent in order to co-parent smoothly.

Problems or no problems, it is always a good idea to keep the other parent updated as to what is happening when the children are with you by sending a weekly, bi-weekly, or monthly letter along with school papers, sports schedules, report cards, drawings, and any and all other materials which may come your way by virtue of the time the children spend with you. A side benefit of sending written materials is that you can photocopy them and keep them in a journal so that you have them as indications of your attempts to keep the other parent informed in the event that co-parenting cooperativeness breaks down, and there are subsequent allegations that you were not cooperative. Click here for an excellent, 23 page pamphlet on shared parenting.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: High Conflict, Protecting Children, Talking to Children
Posted in Acrimony, Conflict Management, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

Shared Parenting (Co-parenting) versus Custody

Monday, June 21st, 2010

Custody refers to a legal arrangement, while shared parenting describes the actual activity between the adults. Often shared parenting, also called co-parenting, is interpreted to mean that parents are able to raise their children together, even if the parents are no longer marital partners. Cooperative and communicative parenting is optimal, but co-parenting can be effectively accomplished in less optimal circumstances, as long as parents can put aside their differences and stay focused on what their children need and deserve. This can take the form of parents discussing most aspects of child rearing. Or it can take the form of having each parent contribute primary decision making and authority in certain areas, with shared discussions when the parents are faced with complications or uncertainties. Click here for a terrific co-parenting website.

For example, Juan and Maria agreed that through their co-parenting arrangement they both would spend significant amounts of time with their daughter, Valerie, each week. Juan would take primary responsibility for religious upbringing since that was of utmost importance to him; as an elementary school teacher, Maria would take primary responsibility (with input from Juan) for decisions about what kinds of preschool experiences Valerie should have before Kindergarten. They would discuss any medical and mental health decisions, leaving fewer areas open to potential disagreement.

Researcher Constance Ahrons found four types of postdivorce relationships between spouses:

Perfect Pals
Cooperative Colleagues
Angry Associates
Fiery Foes

Two of the four types can create an effective co-parenting alliance. Perfect Pals maintain close personal ties; Cooperative Colleagues are civil and cooperative, though their relationship requires frequent negotiation. Angry Associates and Fiery Foes, on the other hand, do not contain their conflict, and therefore, children are incorporated into it in a way that makes co-parenting problematic, if not impossible. Click here to visit Constance Ahrons’ website. Successful co-parents:

Communicate and negotiate with each other about the children
Respect each other as parents despite adult disappointments and personal differences
Put past disagreements aside and concentrate on the children
Share control with each other and adopt a hands-off attitude toward how the other person parents
Tolerate differences in child rearing practices and values without labeling them as harmful to the child, and distinguishes between important and unimportant differences
Value what the other has to offer as a parent

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Custody, Protecting Children
Posted in Conflict Management, Custody, Sensivity to Children | 1 Comment »

How Can I Best Help My Children During the Early Stage of Divorce?

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

Your children have developmental tasks they must master relative to the divorce, just as they do relative to other challenges they will face in their lifetime. They need to be accepting of the divorce without becoming drawn into it, deal with feelings of loss and blame (self and parental), and learn to look to the future again with optimism. There are many ways you can make this period easier for your children. Follow as many of these suggestions as you can. Do not worry if you cannot meet all of them, but to the greater extent you can respond in these ways, the better.

Be Predictable

Continue your usual lifestyle and routine as much as possible, including activities, chores, and visiting family and friends. Continuity and predictability is one way you can reduce the disruption in your children’s lives. Maintain rules and traditions. Have dinner at the same time on a regular basis, have the same expectations for homework as you did before the separation, and most important, maintain discipline! When change is necessary, inform your children of plans and changes that may affect them. Get their input about what they need in the schedule. If either parent wishes to change a plan that involves contact with the children, tell the children well in advance and attempt to find an acceptable alternative, if need be. Try not to be late for occasions that involve the children, for instance, picking them up after school, or after an outing. If you are paying child support, pay consistently and on time. Your children need to be able to rely on you.

Remain Involved. If Not Involved, Get Involved

Some children feel that the parent who is no longer in the family home has rejected them. In order to reassure your children that you are still a part of their lives, remain involved. This means with homework and their friends, not just time alone with them. If you were the parent who is leaving the home, you must check in with the parent remaining at home regarding the children’s sporting activities, school concerts, and weekend activities. Ask your children about these activities, show your interest. Telephone your children when you have not seen them for a day or two, just to say “hi”. If your children are not great conversationalists on the telephone, don’t worry about that. Your children know that you are there, you are available, and that you are concerned. They will remember that you showed interest. Click here for a terrific article on helping children with divorce.

You may feel empty and distressed each time you see your children; assume that they will have the same feelings. It is not uncommon for parents in this situation to consider ceasing contact with their children because the transitions are so painful. If a parent disappears after separation, the child’s worst fears are reinforced. You have abandoned them; now they believe they are not lovable. It is crucial that you maintain contact with them, no matter how painful it may be for you.

For most people, it does get easier over time. For more terrific information, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Helping Children, Preparing Children, Protecting Children, Talking with Children
Posted in Conflict Management, children of divorce | Comments Off

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Archive for the ‘Conflict Management’ Category

Temporary Restraining Order

I am at Risk for Violence?

What if My Child has Witnessed Violence

Setting Clear Boundaries

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

What if My Child is in Danger?

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

High Conflict Hurts Children

Shared Parenting (Co-parenting) versus Custody

How Can I Best Help My Children During the Early Stage of Divorce?