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Archive for the ‘Co-parenting’ Category

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

Wednesday, October 6th, 2010

The court will often order mediation if you have not already tried to mediate your disputes with the help of a neutral third party. When trial seems imminent, the court may order an attorney for the children, or a guardian ad litem; these professionals act as advocates on the child’s behalf, charged of separating the children’s needs from the demands of either parent. The court may also order a psychological evaluation. An evaluation of the family provides the court with information needed to ascertain the family’s special strengths, problems, and issues. These components are then used in a series of court proceedings, such as a pretrial and trial. For an article on the ins and outs of contested custody cases, click here.

Court Ordered Mediation

In the course of a custody trial, the court will often ask you first to try and mediate the dispute with an officer of the court, which we will generically refer to as the Family Relations office. You also have the option of obtaining a private mediator. Typically, you will sit together with a mediator (sometimes two), and you will be expected to discuss what your concerns are about the other spouse and his or her abilities to care for the children and address their needs, and to explain what you would consider an ideal situation to be. The more reasonable and willing to negotiate that you are, the more likely it is that the mediator will be able to help you resolve the matter. Mediation is not about “strategy” or about “winning”. It is about being reasonable, organized, and succinct. By the time you get to the mediation, you should be prepared with your idea of a viable custody and visitation plan. You then want to organize yourself to present it in the best way possible. Try to stay out of the past, and focus on the future. Always listen very carefully to what is being said by your spouse. Try not to let your excitement about making your presentation result in a failure to listen to what your spouse or the mediator says. For an article on court ordered mediation, click here.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Contested Custody, Custody, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

Engaging in a contested custody dispute is a last resort proposition because it usually produces two losers, and no winners. It may be warranted if you believe that your children’s current situation places them in serious physical or psychological danger ”not discomfort” but danger. Your sense of danger is discriminated from one of discomfort when the custody and access arrangements create serious problems for your child (not you!) by seeing or living with the other parent. If you feel the child will be exposed to physical or sexual harm, or to persons and behaviors that compromise the other parent’s ability to care for the child properly or make sound judgments about her needs, AND if the situation cannot be mediated or ameliorated with outside help, then you may need to contest custody or visitation. Examples include a parent who is using and/or dealing illegal drugs, having multiple sexual encounters which the child witnesses, or who is experiencing an abrupt shift in mental functioning, such as psychotic episodes which involve the child. In these cases, it could be necessary to fight with a parent who is not thinking or acting rationally in order to protect your child. Click here for an article on custody battles.

When you are determining whether or not to contest custody, you must carefully weigh the costs. There are your legal fees, your children’s legal fees, and fees for the court-ordered evaluator. Sometimes these costs can be greater than what you’d expect to pay for your child’s college education. However, the costs of a contested custody matter reach far beyond the literal dollar cost of your case. You and your children will feel stressed beyond human endurance during the process. Contested custody trials, and matters which are headed toward contested custody trials but which ultimately settle, can be extremely time consuming, emotionally exhausting, and damaging to a family unit. Do not underestimate the trauma that this will cause your family if you and your spouse are unable to reach an agreement concerning your children’s upbringing. If you are holding out on the schedule in order to win some other concession, financial or otherwise, think again. Ask yourself, “What makes it worth it? Are the costs to my ongoing relationship with my spouse and to my children worth holding out for? Will the schedule my spouse wants me to agree to inconvenience me, sadden me, or actually harm the children or me?

Courts are set up to assist you in reaching your own agreement about your children. However, when parents are unable to resolve their differences, the court will step in to assist. The “assistance” requires that your lives and past decisions get examined in minute detail, by you, your spouse, the evaluator, and the judge. You may have to testify about your spouse’s faults and shortcomings in the same detail. You will also have to listen while your spouse testifies about every perceived misdeed and defeated expectation, and every criticism he or she has of you, your parenting, and your relationship with your children. After that, you also have to listen while the court-appointed evaluator testifies about your strengths and weaknesses as a parent, and about how your behavior has affected the children during the divorce process. Click here for 5 tips on custody battles.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Children in Danger, Custody Battles, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

Monday, September 27th, 2010

Am I doing everything I can to create a positive co-parenting environment that allows our children to have maximum access to and support from each parent? Creating a viable shared parenting arrangement requires a lot of patience and turning the other cheek. My children will benefit, and over the long run, it will help keep our divorce a productive experience.

Do the living arrangements, decision making plan, and actual schedule fit with who my children are at the present time? Gearing the schedule to the age and developmental needs of each child helps ensure its effectiveness.

Is the parenting plan specific enough to cover most likely situations at present and in the near future? Do we have a back up plan for resolving differences that will inevitably arise? Specificity helps maintain predictability and keep boundaries straight. Our plan supports our separateness without seeming burdensome. It leaves space to offer and ask for flexibility as needs arise. Click here for more resources.

Am I doing my part to maintain the plan and ensure its effectiveness for my children and all involved? Am I letting negative emotional responses leftover from the marriage interfere with implementation? If we each do our best to make this work, it will work out well.

Are our child support payments determined accurately and with fairness? Child support can be financially burdensome, but it benefits my children. I still wish to provide for them in the best way I can. That is one way I can protect them from negative impacts of divorce. Click here for a host of information about children and divorce.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parenting Plan, Personal Assessment, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

More on Child Support vs. Custody

Tuesday, September 21st, 2010

In either case, using time with your children as a substitute for child support doesn’t pay off, in money or metaphoric terms! The money you hoped to save by having the children with you winds up being paid because the children actually have more needs than provided for by Child Support Guidelines. So you spend the money anyhow–you’re just writing the check to the grocery store rather than to your ex-spouse.

That may feel better, but it doesn’t change the amount of money spent. Some parents refuse to buy their children something they request, or spend any money on them, because “it costs too much” after they have won an exchange of more time with the children for paying less child support. In many of those families, the children were raised in middle class neighborhoods, where the now-divorced parents then refused to treat them like other local children were typically treated. This indirectly punishes your child for the divorce, and unfortunately, the message is not missed by most children. For a wealth of terrific information, click here.

Perhaps you really don’t have the money. But if you deny money that you do have to your children, and then spend it on yourself or a new family, the children’s resentment . You will pay child support for up to 21 years. Your children are your children for the rest of your life. Many parents wonder why their children are so angry at them, after he or she used money as a bargaining chip with the other parent. So now that parent has some extra money each month, but a lousy relationship with the children that is far more painful than budget cuts. The other irony is that in some of these situations the children tune into the issues, and redefine their relationship with that parent to be all about money. Like some bad fairy tale, the parent must now live in a self-created situation in which every day is a constant reminder about money, the subject he or she wanted to avoid in the first place. The moral of the story: check your motivations and do not count your pennies at the expense of the big picture over time. For an article on cost effective parenting after divorce, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Custody, Child Support, Finances
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Voluntary Reduction of Wages

Wednesday, September 8th, 2010

If you have had a stable salary history, child support will most likely be based on that history unless you can prove that the past is not applicable to the future, as in Henry’s situation, above. When confronted with the Child Support Guidelines and divorce, many people react by reducing overtime hours, delaying commissions or bonuses, or otherwise attempting to minimize their incomes, at least until child support is calculated and determined by the court.

This tactic is risky business. Typically, courts award child support (and alimony) based on earning capacity as opposed to actual earnings, and will not hesitate to do so when it appears that people have voluntarily reduced their earnings. Click here for a story about someone’s personal experience with this.

If your income is decreased, you will need to prove that your claimed income reduction is legitimate. For example, if your industry as a whole is shrinking (e.g., “defense contractors”), be prepared to offer industry information and statistics concerning this problem. If your work is seasonal, be prepared to offer evidence of the past 3-5 years of these cycles. If competition has been stepped up with the addition of additional workers, thereby reducing available overtime, be prepared to offer a statement from your employer outlining the changes which have been made in the workforce. If your commission structure has changed, and despite your best efforts you cannot earn what you used to earn, be prepared to explain that as well.

Most important, be prepared to prove that whatever reduction you’ve suffered in earnings is not your fault, and was not voluntary. If the court thinks that you’ve voluntarily reduced your income in an effort to minimize support payments, you risk being ordered to pay support based on previous available earnings, as opposed to your current actual earnings. Click here for another terrific article.

Many people find that their working capacity is lower during the divorce process, because they are stressed, spending so much time on their case, or in court. This constitutes a temporary situation, and will not alter your child support obligations. However, if depression or other psychological factors inhibit you from producing your normal amount of work, or maintaining your usual standard of living, explain this to the court and/or your attorney. You may be offered a temporary reprieve, with a fixed time period after which you’ll be expected to resume your normal daily operations.

The most popular phrase divorce lawyers hear is “Well if I have to pay that much, I’ll quit my job!” That’s no solution to the child support problem, however, because the court can consider your earning capacity, not just your actual earnings. So, if you reduce your overtime, quit your job, take a voluntary demotion, or do anything that voluntarily reduces your income, you take the chance that the court will base your child support on your prior earnings, not on your current earnings.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Special Issues Associated with Earning Capacity

Monday, September 6th, 2010

There are special issues associated with earning capacity. One such issue is salary history. Most states include overtime, predictable bonuses and commissions as income for purposes of calculating child support. If you have historically worked a certain amount of overtime, received a bonus each year, or earned a commission on sales, the court will most likely consider these “extras” as a part of your regular income for purposes of calculating the amount of child support due.

In order to be fair, and to protect yourself in the event of a dispute, be inclusive in your calculations. Review your overtime, bonuses and commissions over the past five years. Have they been stable? Or were they linked to unusual circumstances which no longer exist? Are they regular, seasonal, or cyclical with the economy? Have market forces made bonuses erratic both in terms of amount and regularity? Has competition or new additions to the sales force eroded your commissions over time?

For instance, if you are a postal worker, and every Christmas you are required to work an enormous amount of overtime, average your income over the entire year. If your child support is based solely on your Christmas earnings, it will be much higher than is appropriate during the other eleven months of the year. If you work in construction, the summer months may be very busy, but you may be unemployed during the winter time. If you are a daycare provider, your summers are probably busier than the rest of the year. If you are a commissioned salesperson, make sure that your income history–and future– is presented realistically. Click here for more information.

A striking example of this situation was Henry, a commissioned salesperson for an office supply company which had been owned by his father. When his father retired, he passed his accounts on to Henry, who continued to work in the small, family owned business. He earned a very comfortable living….until the office supply superstores invaded his territory. Suddenly, his little Mom-and-Pop enterprise was turned upside down as competition entered the marketplace, eventually forcing him to sell the business to a mega-store. He was offered a job with the store, but had to start from scratch with no accounts to his name. His $350,000 per year income plummeted to less than $50,000. It was important that the judge take into account the new climate in which he was forced to work, and his new compensation structure. A salary history alone would have had devastating results on the Child Support Guidelines. The future became much more pertinent than the past. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support
Posted in Co-parenting, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

What are Child Support Guidelines?

Thursday, September 2nd, 2010

Each state has Child Support Guidelines which mandate how much support each spouse must contribute toward supporting the children, based on factors which each state determines. The “guidelines” are actually very specific laws with specific calculations. Pick up a copy of your state’s guidelines at your local courthouse, library, or a lawyer’s office. Many are even posted on the internet. You can use the Guidelines to estimate expected child support payments. Each state’s calculations are different, but each takes into account what both parents earn and some of the children’s basic expenses. Child support is also based on how much time the children spend with each of you. Click here to visit a website devoted to child support guidelines.

Child Support and Income

In every state, both parents’ incomes are the key pieces of information used to calculate child support. In addition to mandatory deductions for taxes, many states take into account the children’s health insurance premiums and daycare costs, but other permitted deductions from income influencing child support vary from state to state. If there are factors that allow deviations from the guidelines, they will be listed in the guidelines. Typical deviations may include: a child’s extraordinary medical or educational expenses, extraordinary access expenses (like plane tickets to visit an out-of-state parent), and a child’s own income or assets which may be used for his or her support. Deviations are not permitted because of a parent’s extraordinary “credit card payments” or a “car loan payment”, or other expenses incurred by the parents. The law recognizes that your first responsibility is to your child, not to MasterCard or your landlord.

Most states consider any money which comes to you on a periodic basis to be income. This means that wages, commissions, bonuses, interest, dividends, worker’s compensation, unemployment compensation, and even social security are considered “income” in most states. Income is income, even if you haven’t received it yet. For example, suppose you typically receive a bonus each year based on your sales performance. The cutoff date for your performance record is June 30 of each year. You receive your bonus in December of that same year. If it’s September, your bonus will be considered part of your income even though it hasn’t been received by you yet.

Another example is stock dividends. The dividends are often automatically reinvested, so you don’t actually have the cash to spend. Because stock dividends are earned, and you could choose to liquidate rather than reinvest them, they are deemed to be income.

Social security comes with some complications, since it has special benefits for recipients with minor children. In most cases, the benefits that children receive directly from social security will be considered when child support is calculated. Typically, however, the government-provided benefit is only part of what the parent will be required to pay on the child’s behalf. How social security is treated varies across states, and will be clarified in your state’s child support guidelines. Click here for more information.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Child Support, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Can I Relocate?

Monday, August 30th, 2010

Many parents ask “Can I relocate?” and the answer always depends on the individual circumstances at the time. Given our increasingly mobile society, it is not at all unusual for one spouse to need to move out of state, or even out of the country. Increasingly, the courts are trying to determine whether it is in the child’s best interest to move, even if the child has lived with a primary physical custodial parent for quite some time. Click here for an article about relocating after divorce.

The court will consider all of the factors that have gone into the original custody decree, as well as the reason for the move, the ability of the child to maintain contact with the other parent, what kind of visitation would be set up for the parent left behind (as well as extended family), and the living situation for the child in the new city or state.

If you anticipate a relocation you should probably deal with it as part of your divorce up front. If you think that maybe some day you might want to relocate, putting a notice provision with respect to relocation into your settlement agreement is important. Many such provisions call for 90 to 180 days notice before someone can move. Sample relocation clauses are included in the appendix. This notice enables time to negotiate or motion the court to prevent the move while it is being worked out by the parents. Relocation is not a good bargaining chip, as it evokes a sense of threat, and often pushes the other person to become more intransigent and stubborn out of fear of losing contact with the children. Click here for another great article on relocation after divorce.

In most jurisdictions it will be up to you to prove that moving out of state is in the children’s best interests. While you may have many reasons why it’s in your best interests to move, is it really in the children’s best interests? How will they maintain contact with the other parent? How involved are they in their school and school activities? Will close friends and extended family be left behind? How well does your child adjust to new situations?

The legal custody designation (i.e. joint legal custody) has little to do with whether or not you will be permitted to move. The actual circumstances of your case will be the determining factor. The more involved the other parent has been in the children’s lives, the more difficult it will be for you to prove that it is in the children’s best interests to move far away from them. Therefore, having sole legal custody doesn’t automatically permit you to move with the children, and having joint legal custody doesn’t automatically prevent you from moving with the children. Sometimes the court will say, “Sure you can leave, but your children will stay with their other parent.” This has happened even when the children have always lived with the leaving parent.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Modifying Custody, Projtecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Life After Divorce, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

Does Your Child Need a Change in the Visitation Schedule?

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

Other indications that children may need adjustments to the visitation schedule–or to something that’s happening in your home–include:

sudden behavioral changes that are aberrant from your child’s normal personality (e.g., very quiet in an outgoing child, sadness from a generally happy child)
bursts of temper and moodiness
aggression or violence toward others, pets, or themselves
a sudden drop in grades at school

Find out why your child is behaving differently. If you cannot ascertain what is going on because your child is uncommunicative, or because you and your spouse view it so differently, consider having your child meet with a school counselor or a therapist. Choose someone who will not exacerbate problems, but will normalize what the child is experiencing and will help him deal with it. Someone who is experienced in treating people of your child’s age, and familiar with divorce and family systems work, is optimal. When possible, include the other parent in your child’s therapy. It is working together as parents that will be the most assistance to your child. For an article on changing a visitation schedule, click here.

Parents often report anger at how their spouse deals with their child, in ways that are not harmful but which undermine your parenting values. Common examples include letting him watch movies you don’t think he is ready for, exposing him to rude humor or vocabulary, allowing him to be in the presence of people you think are unsavory characters, and so forth. As annoying as these matters are, they are generally not matters with which the court will interfere. You should try and work things out with a mediator or therapist adult-to-adult, appealing to reason and your child’s future. Some of these differences you will have to learn to live with, and in your own parenting time.

If you’re not able to address these issues as co-parents, then you will have to do it on your own. Once you’ve determined the reasons why the problems are happening, and have thought through possible solutions, pose them to your ex-spouse. See if together you can work with your children to modify the parenting plan to support them. If you reach an impasse, then it’s time to approach a mental health professional, and then the court about changing the visitation or custody orders. Click here for another article on changing visitation.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changing Visitation, Modifying Custody, Observing Changes in Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Listening to the Children, Modifying Custody, Needs of the Children, Problems with Visitation
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Self Esteem, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

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Archive for the ‘Co-parenting’ Category

The Special Features of a Contested Custody Case

When to Consider a Custody Battle

Personal Assessment: Parenting Plan

More on Child Support vs. Custody

Voluntary Reduction of Wages

Special Issues Associated with Earning Capacity

What are Child Support Guidelines?

Can I Relocate?

Does Your Child Need a Change in the Visitation Schedule?

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?