Co-parenting | Mediation Blog

Archive for the ‘Co-parenting’ Category

Types of Supervision

Wednesday, January 26th, 2011

There are several types of supervision. One-on-one supervision requires that a third person be present and that the visitation occurs in a designated place. Visits can be informally supervised through a family member or more formally through a professional supervisor. The court can even order that supervised visits take place in a clinical setting, such as in a psychologist’s office, or at a visitation clinic specifically set up to handle supervised visits. Exchange supervision specifies when, where, and how the children are transferred between parents. Off-site supervision designates a neutral location, such as a playground or local fast food restaurant and a neutral drop-off site, such as a relative’s home or a public place. This form of supervision is least restrictive, and often precedes the slackening or dropping of the supervision once the danger period has passed, and if you believe that you and your children are no longer in danger. For a great article on supervised visitation, click here.

The danger may be reduced if the batterer receives some therapeutic assistance or intervention. The court can order the abusive parent to receive counseling or parenting classes as a condition to being permitted to see the children. Anger management classes are common to most areas, often serving as a diversionary treatment to prison time when after an arrest for domestic violence. However, the efficacy of such programs is unknown.

Some states take the attitude that violence toward the mother does not constitute ample reason to deny fathers their rights to access to their children. Recent reviews published in the Albany and Boston University Law Review journals found that approximately 85% of states (46 states and the District of Columbia) have passed laws requiring consideration of a batterers’ violence as a factor in custody and visitation disputes. All states adhere to the “best interests” standards, however, and so while violence may not be a specific statutory criteria in many states, it will be considered in every case in which it is present. In addition to including violence as a specific criteria, the American Bar Association has issued a statement that where abuse is proven, batterers should be presumed by law to be unfit custodians.

Even if the batterer is not considered a viable candidate for joint custody, many courts will protect his right to access through visitation. Many batterers terrify their spouses by using visitations as an opportunity to continue the abuse. The court must disentangle when batterers should be completely deprived of their paternal rights, and when allegations of threats made are part of the ongoing battles waged by two angry parents. At times, parents wield unfounded accusations as swords against one another in an attempt to gain an advantage in custody cases. The court’s job then becomes one of not only assessing the truth of the accusations made, but also to assess the psychological impact on the children, as well as balancing the Constitutional rights of parents to raise their own children.

Given this complicated landscape, it’s essential to document all allegations, with photos, witnesses or any other documentation that shows when and how threats are made that are later denied. Take note of when the children are present for the abuse, and how they experience direct or indirect consequences of the abuse. Click here for another article.

Ultimately it depends upon what the court finds to be in the best interests of the children. If the children know and are attached to the abusive parent, and the court believes that the children are safe when with that parent, visitation may be ordered. On the other hand, if the court cannot assure the children’s emotional or physical safety, visitation may be suspended indefinitely, until the situation is remedied.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Protecting Children, Reducing Danger, Supervised Visitation, Types of Supervision
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans, Safety of Children, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part. In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children as Pawns, Children Turning Against You, Parental Alienation Syndrome, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Self Care, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

How do I Help My Children at This Stage?

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

You can help your children most by doing everything in your power to keep them separate from the court contest. Be careful what you say on the phone or to visitors; children usually have much more information than parents think they do, albeit filtered through their own eyes and ears. Do not talk to your children about the dispute, except to inform them of its initiation, to answer their questions, to assure them of both parents’ continued love for them, and your desire to be their parent in all respects, whatever the dispute’s outcome.

Do not grill your children about the other home or use them as informants, detectives, or messengers. Your information must come from elsewhere. If you cannot find it, and your children are not complaining to you directly, then perhaps you are blowing issues out of proportion. Click here for a kid’s guide to divorce.

Pay attention to the stress level your children are expressing. They may be more manipulative or angry. They may be echoing your complaints about the other household; you’ll especially want to note if your spouse reports the opposite. Then your children may be “telling” you they are caught up in loyalty conflicts. They may be demonstrating increased anxiety around transitions between parental homes, or between their primary home and day care, school, or after school activities. They may be regressing in their behavior, going backwards to a previous developmental step. Or they may be discipline problems at home or at school. If you pay close attention, you may be able to trace the change in behavior to specific events, such as the house being sold or a parent’s move to another town. Or you may observe a slow deterioration as the custody dispute wears on. Click here for more children’s resources.

In any case, when you note negative changes in your child’s demeanor or behavior, you should first talk directly to your child (assuming they are verbal) to ascertain what he or she understands about his behavior, and to learn more details about what she is feeling. Talk to the child’s attorney or guardian to discuss changes you might make to facilitate your child’s improvement. Certainly, notify a teacher or therapist already in the picture.

If, upon discussion with other professionals involved in your child’s life and the case, you decide that either you need more information than the child is giving you, or that your child needs intervention, don’t wait until the dispute is over. Get help sooner rather than later. You could seek individual therapy or, in conjunction with your spouse, couples counseling specifically geared toward helping the two of you help your child. Or you could have your child seen by an outside mental health professional. Parents often complain at this stage that so many people are involved in the dispute that they are loathe to invite one more person in, especially with time and money already scarce. Your child did not ask for this dispute, and he or she shouldn’t bear the brunt of it. So if at all possible, you should get short term help, or just provide someone not connected to the dispute for him or her to talk to confidentially. It may help the child manage his or her stress level, and cope with the ongoing dispute.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Helping Children, Protection Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Pareting Plans, Teenagers and Divorce | 1 Comment »

More on Custody

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Of course, if you are unable to get out of bed in the morning to fix your children breakfast, or you have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness which affects your ability to parent your children, these situations can adversely affect your custody claim. As unflattering as your psychiatric diagnosis may be, however, it is likely that your spouse will attempt to make an issue of it in your case. If your therapist can testify about the progress you’ve made, the efforts you’ve put in to getting better, and your adherence to the therapist’s advice, the testimony will likely make the best of a less-than-optimal situation. Click here for an article on selecting the right evaluator. For a host of information in custody in general, click here.

Witnesses for hire: In no case or circumstance does it make sense to hire competing independent evaluators to produce a battle of the experts. All you do is double your headaches, economic costs, and often the experts present opposing testimony that leaves the court will little help in the end. Choose one neutral evaluator carefully. Check into the person’s background and make sure they have no biases towards men or women, or other vantage point. Then agree to abide by the evaluation, and stick to it, even if it is unfavorable for you. Any true expert will work with you to improve the recommendations for all parties, as the parties show their ability to work together or compromise.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Lifestyle Changes, Protecting Children, Your Responsibilites
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

The evaluator will be interested in the structure that a parent provides for a child, the ability to provide clear boundaries and firm but fair discipline, in addition to the nurturing and caretaking abilities. Ideally, the evaluator will hope to see a blend of structure, warmth and affection shown to the child. This combination optimizes parenting. During every stage of your divorce it’s important for you to assess the quality and degree of your parenting devotion and involvement, for you to use this time as an opportunity to increase the time you spend, and enhance your relationship with your children. However, in the event of a custody dispute, you will continually and consistently want to demonstrate your best capacities and attitudes. For an article on the needs of divorced children, click here.

A controversial issue in children’s care is whether or not a parent’s work hours is a detriment to his/her case. Nowadays, many young children spend time in day care, and this is not a negative factor in itself. On the other hand, if one parent is much more available than the other parent to spend time with the children, you need to take a hard look at why there is a custody battle between you.

Current circumstances are most important to the court, but if you or your spouse have engaged in past behaviors that were severe enough to impair your judgment and ability to parent, these matters can also be considered by the court. Such behaviors may include losing your temper with the other parent or your child and acting rashly and harshly, especially if it was done in sight of witnesses whom the other parent will now enlist in his/her behalf. More extreme examples include ongoing verbal or physical abuse of the other parent, the children, or even pets.

If this describes you, you will want to be able to state clearly how your past behavior does not relate to the present situation, and how you have changed. If this pertains to your spouse, and is ongoing, document in as much detail as you can what the past problem was, including any supporting materials such as police reports, doctors reports, child abuse reports, and so forth. You will also need to be able to explain why this past behavior impacts your spouse’s current ability to be a good parent. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Development of Children, Growth of Children, Needs of Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Living Arrangements | Comments Off

Emotional Ties between Parents and Children

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

The most important part of the evaluation for most evaluators is observing how each parent relates to their children. Click here for an article on bonding. The court will consider relationships between each parent and child, past and present, with an emphasis on the present. The evaluator will assess how close, or “bonded” the child is to each parent to determine who is the primary caretaker in the child’s life. All children need at least one primary person, although they can easily be attached to two or more people. The primary person is typically the one who has spent more time with the child, but this is not always the case. It is generally judged to be the person to whom the child turns when ill, upset, or tired. It is the person who takes off from work to do not only the routine care of the child, but the emergency care, as well. In your family, who disciplines the child on a regular basis is a crucial element, especially for children old enough to get into trouble when parents exert insufficient, inappropriate, or ineffective discipline. If you feel that your bonding with the child has diminished over time, take this opportunity to renew your connections. Bear in mind that all parents and children experience ebbs and flows of emotional connection over the course of the child’s development. This is an essential part of growing up and becoming an autonomous being. Click here for a great article on the bonding process.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parent Child Bonding, Parent Child Relationships
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Pareting Plans, children of divorce | Comments Off

What Happens In An Evaluation

Friday, October 22nd, 2010

Find out in advance what the evaluator’s procedures will be so that you can prepare yourself — emotionally as well as with any collateral information you wish to introduce into the evaluation. An example of such information is a list of people with whom you’d like the evaluator to speak. Once you know what to expect, you will be more comfortable with the process.

Generally, evaluations will consist of some combination of the following:

Meeting with each parent and each child alone several times to learn family history, individual developmental histories, concerns and desires for the outcome of the dispute, strengths and areas of deficit, and how each parent thinks about the child as an individual
Observing parent and child interactions to ascertain their relationship. Often the evaluator will make observations in each parent’s home so that the child is comfortable and the situation is at least as realistic as can be under the anxiety-rousing circumstances.
Speaking with collateral sources: others who know the parties, especially the children
Psychological assessment using standardized and open-ended questionnaires and instruments
Assessing extended family and community networks of family members through discussion with family members, community sources, and/or observation

Criteria Considered In An Evaluation: The Best Interests of the Child

The methods used in an evaluation are designed to provide the court with information it needs to determine a child’s best interests when the parents cannot make such decisions for themselves. The term “Best Interests” has a legal history dating back to 1881, evolving over the years from a presumption in favor of fathers to one in favor of mothers throughout the 19th century. In response to changing social conditions that have brought more parity in social roles between men and women, gender is no longer viewed as the best basis for deciding child custody. More recently, the term has been interpreted to connote a variety of factors as determined by the Uniform Marriage and Divorce Act (1974), expounded upon by individual states. Each judge can give different weight to the factors which have been delineated as important.

Which factors any given judge will ascribe as most important will be determined on a case by case basis. This is one reason why it is so scary to let a judge decide for your family how your child’s living situation will be arranged. It is impossible for anyone, including the attorneys and mental health professionals involved, to predict the outcome any particular situation. For an article on child custody evaluations, click here.

The court will consider any and all of the following factors:

The quality of the emotional ties between each parent and child
The capacity of each parent to love, educate, guide, and raise the child
The capacity of each parent to provide food, clothes and medical care
Each parent’s special abilities and particular disabilities (e.g. health, mental health)
The psychological functioning (at school, home, and in the community) and developmental needs of the child
The child’s need for stability and continuity with regard to past living arrangements
The parent’s values concerning parenting
The potential for inappropriate behavior or misconduct that might negatively influence a child (e.g., alcohol or drug use, sexual conduct, criminal activity).
A parent’s capacity to encourage the other parent’s relationship with the child
The wishes of the child when the child is of sufficient age to articulate a well-reasoned preference (this age differs in different states but generally begins between ages of eight and twelve). For more information on custody evaluations, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Court Family Relations Officer, Custody, Evaluation Criteria, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

Choosing an Evaluator

Wednesday, October 20th, 2010

For lawyers, litigants with a psychological history often present more complex cases in terms of client communication and bringing the client to an understanding of the risks, benefits and possible negative outcomes in the event of custody litigation. The assistance of an evaluating psychologist or other professional can be invaluable. Click here for more information.

Sometimes when a client feels that the court Family Relations Officer has not given him or her an adequate opportunity to explain the situation, it is helpful to have an independent evaluator appointed to give the client an additional opportunity to bring to the attention of a professional the problems that he or she perceives. Sometimes the process itself assists a client in coming to terms with the issues of the custody and visitation matter, by giving the client additional opportunity to be heard. The additional input and authority can be helpful in settling the case, even if it doesn’t differ from the recommendation of the court Family Relations office.

Typically, the evaluator will be permitted by the parties to communicate with the court Family Relations Officer, and the attorney for the minor children or guardian ad litem. In this way, each professional can assist the others in understanding the total picture of the family, and family dynamics. It should be underscored, however, that neither Family Relations nor independent evaluations are confidential; the court is entitled to full information contained in the evaluation.

Evaluators are most effective when one neutral professional is agreed upon by both parties. When choosing an evaluator, find someone with the appropriate background and experience. The parents of the family being evaluated are in a state of extreme emotional turmoil, yet they will be trying to make the best impression possible. The children may feel torn between two parents who cannot separate adult issues from children’s issues in the dispute. The evaluator you choose must be prepared for these conditions. He or she must therefore have a thorough understanding of the boundary issues that must be kept clear in a custody evaluation. The antidote is experience, training, and absolute integrity on the evaluator’s part.

It is helpful if the evaluator has experience testifying in court. Of course, even the most talented professional once had no experience, so this is not a prohibition for the selection process, but a witness who knows how to handle himself or herself can be crucial if a trial is involved. Equally important as other aspects, choose an evaluator with whom your attorney can work. The evaluator should not be a “hired gun” who will automatically testify for a client based on a personal relationship with the attorney, or who is known for personal biases (e.g., for mothers or for fathers). Rather, the lawyer should trust that the evaluator’s opinion is sound and will hold up under scrutiny. Respect between the professionals involved in your case can also help settle the case, as they guide you based on what they learn from each other. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Court Family Relations Officers, Evaluators, Guardian Ad Lietm
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Living Arrangements | Comments Off

Drawbacks to Family Relations Officers

Thursday, October 14th, 2010

However, there are several drawbacks to Family Relations officers. You aren’t likely to have a choice about the evaluator assigned to your family. Quality varies from officer to officer. Most officers are well qualified and approach each situation with common sense, proficiency, and caring. Years of hearing the same types of stories over and over again, speaking with the same teachers over and over again, and experience with the family court judges has sharpened their skills in recognizing patterns of family interaction and predicting the likely outcomes of cases. Click here for more information.

Another drawback is that the backlog of cases in many districts leads to a 4-6 month process for many evaluations. That is a long time in the course of a young child’s life. Over six months, many routines are established that may be harder to change for your child or yourself. Before deciding whether to take advantage of services offered by the court Family Relations Division, ask your attorney, friends, and courthouse personnel about the reputation of Family Relations in your jurisdiction. If you elect to hire an independent evaluator, the evaluation should take three to four months time from initiation to report dissemination, but rarely is a case resolved that quickly. Costs vary depending upon the breadth of evaluation required. One study recently indicated that evaluations conducted by a psychologist cost an average of $3,000-$4,000, although the cost is often even higher.

So why hire an independent evaluator do an evaluation when (if) the court has one available for free? Having a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist review the situation will give a broader perspective to the court than will a Family Relations study. While the court Family Relations Office’s and the psychologist’s roles may appear, on the surface, to be the same, they are actually complementary. The outside evaluator may offer training and background which the Family Relations Officers do not possess. For example, a psychologist may include psychological assessment using standardized tests (personality, to assist in diagnosis, or to uncover underlying emotional issues), open-ended or projective tests aimed at uncovering deeper psychological concerns or problems, and interviews with the parties and the children that focus more on the inner world and health of each family member. A psychiatrist offers special expertise when family members are taking psychiatric medications. Since these professionals have more experience and training in accurately diagnosing issues such as depression, alcoholism, personality disorders, and other more serious mental disorders which clients may have, their work can supplement, rather than duplicate, the work done by the court Family Relations Office. These professionals should also have specialized training in talking with children, and in understanding their conflicts from what they say, what they do not say, how they behave, and what their play indicates. Click here for more information.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Family Relations Officers
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody | Comments Off

Attorneys and Guardians for Children

Tuesday, October 12th, 2010

If you have a contested custody matter which cannot be solved by initial mediation sessions, the court will generally appoint either an attorney or a guardian ad litem (latin “for the case”) to represent your children. The attorney for your children represents their legal interests just as your attorney represents yours, voicing their wishes and advocating for that position. The guardian ad item’s job is to give neutral information to the court about what is in the child’s best interests, irrespective of the child’s wishes. Typically, older children will get an attorney appointed, and younger children will get a guardian, especially if they are too young to talk. But this varies across states. It will be either the attorney’s or the guardian’s responsibility to determine what the children want to do, or should do according to that adult’s judgment. The attorney or guardian can assist you in knowing how your child feels as the case progresses, and your child’s vulnerabilities which require attention. Click here for more information.

Evaluations of the Child and Family

When parents are disputing about child issues, then in addition to the court appointed advocates, the court typically orders an evaluation of the family to assist the judge in making decisions for the parents. The purpose of the evaluation is to provide the court with a full picture about the individual family members and their relationships to each other. This information will assist the judge in making decisions about parenting arrangements, depending upon the factors to which that judge decides to give most weight.

Many courts have a Family Relations Office that will conduct this study for little or no cost. You may also wish to ask for an independent custody evaluation, which is typically performed by a social worker, psychologist, or other mental health professional that the court deems competent to evaluate your case for custody and visitation issues. Either you or the court could request and/or appoint an independent evaluator. Court-sponsored evaluations conducted by Family Relations officers typically include the following elements: the evaluator will speak with the parties together, separately, with the children alone, with the children and each party, with the teachers, day care providers, doctors, extended family and anyone else who has contact with the family and who would be able to comment on the parties’ parenting abilities. The Family Relations office study is a nuts and bolts analysis of the family situation, and the parental roles within that family situation over the last several years. Court sponsored evaluations have the benefit of being less expensive, and utilizing court-related personnel who have a great deal of experience with the judges and attorneys of the judicial district they work in. They are often expert investigators, within the standards of their practice. Click here to visit a website dedicated to guardians ad litem.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Attorneys for Children, Custody, Guardians for Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Living Arrangements, Pareting Plans | Comments Off

Recent Posts

Categories

Recent Comments

Archive for the ‘Co-parenting’ Category

Types of Supervision

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

How do I Help My Children at This Stage?

More on Custody

Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

Emotional Ties between Parents and Children

What Happens In An Evaluation

Choosing an Evaluator

Drawbacks to Family Relations Officers

Attorneys and Guardians for Children