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Archive for the ‘children of divorce’ Category

Emotional Ties between Parents and Children

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

The most important part of the evaluation for most evaluators is observing how each parent relates to their children. Click here for an article on bonding. The court will consider relationships between each parent and child, past and present, with an emphasis on the present. The evaluator will assess how close, or “bonded” the child is to each parent to determine who is the primary caretaker in the child’s life. All children need at least one primary person, although they can easily be attached to two or more people. The primary person is typically the one who has spent more time with the child, but this is not always the case. It is generally judged to be the person to whom the child turns when ill, upset, or tired. It is the person who takes off from work to do not only the routine care of the child, but the emergency care, as well. In your family, who disciplines the child on a regular basis is a crucial element, especially for children old enough to get into trouble when parents exert insufficient, inappropriate, or ineffective discipline. If you feel that your bonding with the child has diminished over time, take this opportunity to renew your connections. Bear in mind that all parents and children experience ebbs and flows of emotional connection over the course of the child’s development. This is an essential part of growing up and becoming an autonomous being. Click here for a great article on the bonding process.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parent Child Bonding, Parent Child Relationships
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Pareting Plans, children of divorce | Comments Off

Does Your Child Need a Change in the Visitation Schedule?

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

Other indications that children may need adjustments to the visitation schedule–or to something that’s happening in your home–include:

sudden behavioral changes that are aberrant from your child’s normal personality (e.g., very quiet in an outgoing child, sadness from a generally happy child)
bursts of temper and moodiness
aggression or violence toward others, pets, or themselves
a sudden drop in grades at school

Find out why your child is behaving differently. If you cannot ascertain what is going on because your child is uncommunicative, or because you and your spouse view it so differently, consider having your child meet with a school counselor or a therapist. Choose someone who will not exacerbate problems, but will normalize what the child is experiencing and will help him deal with it. Someone who is experienced in treating people of your child’s age, and familiar with divorce and family systems work, is optimal. When possible, include the other parent in your child’s therapy. It is working together as parents that will be the most assistance to your child. For an article on changing a visitation schedule, click here.

Parents often report anger at how their spouse deals with their child, in ways that are not harmful but which undermine your parenting values. Common examples include letting him watch movies you don’t think he is ready for, exposing him to rude humor or vocabulary, allowing him to be in the presence of people you think are unsavory characters, and so forth. As annoying as these matters are, they are generally not matters with which the court will interfere. You should try and work things out with a mediator or therapist adult-to-adult, appealing to reason and your child’s future. Some of these differences you will have to learn to live with, and in your own parenting time.

If you’re not able to address these issues as co-parents, then you will have to do it on your own. Once you’ve determined the reasons why the problems are happening, and have thought through possible solutions, pose them to your ex-spouse. See if together you can work with your children to modify the parenting plan to support them. If you reach an impasse, then it’s time to approach a mental health professional, and then the court about changing the visitation or custody orders. Click here for another article on changing visitation.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changing Visitation, Modifying Custody, Observing Changes in Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

What if My Child is in Danger?

Friday, August 20th, 2010

If you believe that your child is in imminent danger from the visits, you need to report this to the proper authorities immediately. Take your child to his or her pediatrician for a full checkup, and let the doctor know what you suspect. You also need to request that the court issue a restraining order for your children to protect them from the abuser. Stop allowing your child to visit under these circumstances, even though you may be facing court sanctions for doing so. Your primary goal is to protect your children, and if you are certain that the visitation is physically harming them, you need to stop the visits. For information on restraining orders, click here.

Once the court is aware of the situation (which it will be, because of the restraining order) the judge can set the matter for a hearing so that you can present all of your evidence against visitation, and the court can modify the existing orders so that your children will be safe.

In other less exigent circumstances, your choices and plan of action are less clear. Sometimes problems happen during visitation, but it’s impossible for you to tell if the situation warrants filing a Motion for Modification of Visitation in court. You can file such a motion at any time; the problem is deciding when it would be appropriate to do so. Don’t file a motion which you cannot back up with proof. If you want visitation changed and can’t work it out between yourselves, you need to have solid reasons and evidence for asking for the change. Lots of children have a tough time adjusting to transitions, especially early in their parents’ divorce and separation. But how will you know when it’s appropriate to file for a modification of the court’s orders? For an article on modification of visitation, click here.

If you think, but you don’t know, that the visits are harming the children, then you need the assistance of a third party in order to determine how best to proceed. Have your children speak with a therapist or a school counselor if you think that something inappropriate may be going on, but are not in a position to prove it. Once they’ve spoken to a therapist or counselor, that person can let you know whether or not you need to intervene to change the way that the place, without violating your child’s confidentiality. If the reasons are less serious, and the harm to your child is questionable or less serious, use a third party to determine what is a phase, what can be corrected with minimal adjustments to schedule or types of visits, and what needs to be borne out over time. Examine your own behavior and make sure you are not giving your child messages that you need him or her to stay with you, for company, support, or to punish the other parent. This is an unfair burden to place on your child.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Children in Danger, Domestic Violence Toward Children, Protecting Children
Posted in Acrimony, Conflict Management, Self Care, children of divorce | Comments Off

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

You can try various resolutions when your child says he or she doesn’t want to go to the other parent’s house. Kids may say this because they have mixed loyalties, or just because they don’t want to stop what they are doing at the moment, and this is natural. Also, children feel the same waves of anxiety, sadness, and the pain of missing that adults feel. They may experience such emotions when they arrive at the other home or return to their primary home.

It helps to have kids transition with their favorite toys or objects. It also helps to put in words for them what they are feeling and to assure them their feelings are acceptable. How the transition is planned can make a big difference. For some children, they want to go right to their room and have some time to smell, touch, and know the place again. Being alone may be helpful. For others, leaping headlong into a jumble of activity may help them adjust by distracting them while they settle into the new location or parent.

From a legal standpoint, if there are court orders which mandate that your child visit with the other parent, you are risking being held in contempt of court if that child does not visit his or her other parent. If the desire not to visit is unusual behavior for your child, try to ascertain what is behind it and modify your tactics accordingly. Begin to work on the problem by talking to your child to pinpoint reasons for not wanting to visit. Once you have pinpointed the reason that your child doesn’t want to visit, you can then begin working on your plan for dealing with the situation. Click here for a great article on what to do if your child doesn’t want to visit the other parent.

For example, if it is typical for your child to say he or she doesn’t want to see the other parent because your child doesn’t want to miss time with friends, insist that he or she go with the other parent, but talk with the other parent to try and have the child’s friends join in and spend time at the other parent’s house.

If your child is a baby, some upset when leaving the home or primary parent is expectable. If distress continues at least 20 minutes or more each time, consider changing the schedule to accommodate this stage of your child’s life/

If you truly believe that it is not in your child’s best interests to see the other parent according to the present schedule, then you must be prepared to prove that this is true. Click here for another great article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Listening to the Children, Modifying Custody, Needs of the Children, Problems with Visitation
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Custody, Self Esteem, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

Using a Calendar

Monday, August 16th, 2010

Your first planning step is to find a blank 12 month calendar. First, chart out the activities for each of your children. List all fixed activities such as when they leave for and return home from school or day care, and when they need to be at each activity (e.g., baseball, music lesson, religious school, ballet, etc.). You may want to use an entire year’s worth of calendars because sports, school, and other activities the children participate in are seasonal. Use the child’s school calendar and also mark in the school vacations.

Now, with a different colored pen, plot in your own time commitments. Include everything, whether it is work, school, church volunteerism, or any other activities that you pursue on a regular basis. Don’t forget standing meetings and fixed appointments. It will begin to be clear how your schedule meshes with your children’s and where the obvious holes lie.

Again using a different colored pen, chart out when your spouse has obligations, such as work or school. Now it should also be clear when your spouse is free to spend time with the children.

You can now start to draw up your parenting times. If you have to be at work, but your spouse is available, then the children could be with your spouse at that time. If you are available, but your spouse is not, then the children should be with you. For a terrific article on using a parenting calendar, click here.

You can become more specific when you consider all of the children’s commitments, which parent has historically filled those commitments, and which parent(s) is able to do them over the course of the year. Click here for an online parenting calendar.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Communicating Schedules, Orgainzed Co-parenting, Using a Calendar
Posted in Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Living Arrangements, children of divorce | Comments Off

What if We Can’t Agree?

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Once you understand the emotional issues and possible variations of parenting schedules, it will begin to become clearer to you whether or not you and your spouse are headed toward a custody dispute. Because divorce is a time of great emotional turmoil and feelings of loss, sometimes parents are afraid that they will lose their children. Both you and your spouse will be spending less time with the children (in the rare case when a spouse disappears, of course, this would not be true), but in all likelihood, you will continue to have sufficient quality time with your children, and you will also have some free time for yourself. While this may not sound attractive in the middle of your divorce, soon afterwards you may be grateful for a little bit of adult time to pursue your own interests. Most parents, given time and the place to talk, are able to resolve disputes about their children. Sometimes, however, they need help. Click here for a parenting plan overview. Another terrific article is listed here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changes in Parenting Styles, Co-parenting, Disagreeing on a Parenting Plan
Posted in Emotions During Divorce, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

The Necessary Elements of a Parenting Plan

Sunday, August 8th, 2010

Although your plan will be as unique as your own family, each plan has some basic elements upon which to build. In addition to legal and physical custody, you will set forth additional provisions to be followed by each parent, such as picking the child up from school if he or she is ill, and how daycare will be selected. The less you plan to share parenting, the less detail you will need in your plan. The following components cover various possible arrangements, so some elements may not be pertinent to your situation. Click here for a great article on the components of a parenting plan.

Components

Legal Custody: Sole or Joint
Decision Making Authority: Who has final say for…
Schooling: private vs. public, special needs
Religion: where, when and through what level
Medical: routine vs. emergency treatments, medications, mental health treatment
Routine Needs: medical/dental appointments, transportation to activities, homework checks, child care arrangements that cross transition times
Physical Custody: Joint or Sole; one primary residence or two
Residential arrangements: how often, how long, with each parent?
Holidays/Summer/School vacations

List of major holidays

New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Valentine’s Day, Good Friday, Easter, Passover, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Father’s Day, 4^th of July, Labor Day, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Veteran’s Day, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, Birthdays

Finances: who pays for what?

Click here for a parenting plan template.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Co-parenting, Parenting Plan, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

She has always controlled my relationship with the kids

Thursday, August 5th, 2010

In our society, couples with children generally develop complementary roles in which the fathers invest the bulk of their time in earning money for the family and the women take primary responsibility for childcare. Because women generally spend more time with their children on a daily basis than do men, they have more knowledge about the children’s daily routines, needs, and preferences. They are, in essence, gatekeepers to the children’s world. In a divorce, the gate swings closed more often than open in a defensive maneuver. The knowledge held by mothers gets clutched close to the breast, staving off further loss by hoarding it, sometimes lauding it over their spouse’s head. Click here for more on divorced mothers.

Men complain about this turn of events because they find gaining access to their children too difficult. Mom tells the kids not to answer the phone when Dad calls. Or she forgets to inform him of small but proud moments in the child’s life which he might have attended, if he’d known about them enough in advance. They fear they will lose access to their children, as punishment for the time they spent providing the family income.

Billy railed at Stephanie for using every excuse she could think of to limit the time he spent with their 10 year old son and 8 and 6 year old daughters. She wouldn’t tell him about their schedules and habits, and then filed motions in court stating that he was a derelict, uncaring father. He was so frustrated he was thinking about filing for sole custody to protect himself, although his lawyer told him he didn’t stand a chance.

Stephanie does not think it is her job to tell Billy things he “should know by now.” She always covered for him in the marriage, but she is now free of that responsibility. She doesn’t mean to exclude him, but there is so much happening it is hard enough to keep track. She is sure that the children are not his priority by what he does not know about them, and what he misses.

These two parents each think they are doing their part to protect the children and provide for their needs. Indeed they are doing what they know, and what they have always done best. But once there is a divorce, the old rules no longer pertain. It requires more work on both parts to equalize roles, information, and the chance to share child care. Sometimes mothers are controlling their children in order to wield power over their spouse, who has more power in the financial realm. Other times, it is just a perception based on differing roles within the family, and a real desire to structure the children’s hectic lives in the face of divorce chaos, while protecting them from further hurt. If you or your spouse are gate keeping, work with a competent mediator or couples’ therapist to help you realign power and communication in the relationship without assigning blame. Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Changes in Parenting Styles, Mothering after Divorce, Protecting the Children
Posted in Co-parenting, Custody, Sensivity to Children, children of divorce | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for the Teen Years

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

Teens are interested in sexuality, individuality, peer involvement, and achieving independence. Their primary tasks are to come to terms with their changing bodies and changing moods. Social responsibility and adopting a moral code of behavior are crucial challenges that usher in the beginnings of adulthood. Although children at this stage are notorious for pushing their parents away, they need you to hang tough with them in order to feel secure. Let them push but you stay firm. They want to be heard and consulted about all aspects of parenting arrangements. They want the freedom to move between houses, sometimes to change their primary residence. Whether such moves are in their best interest depends upon the reasons and timing of their request: is this a chance to identify with the other parent and acquire some psychological space from the parent they feel most dependent on, or are they looking for lax rules and little supervision? Children at this age often believe they are more mature than they are, so be advised to gather input but to maintain final decision making authority. For excellent, free resources to help you create a parenting plan, click here.

During this time, the schedules for younger children may still work well. But teens often request more spontaneity, drop in times, and flexibility. Teens can benefit from every weekend away if parents live close by to one another. If not, summers away are often welcomed by all involved. However, employment, girl/boyfriends, and special projects generally provide the guidelines around which sensitive parents must conform. Click here for more terrific information.

An Additional Note about Overnights

Despite the guidelines listed above, there are many children who can tolerate overnights sooner rather than later. The controversy about when and how often children can tolerate overnights is still just a theoretical argument. We just what kids can tolerate. Overnights provide an important means of parent involvement: bedtimes are special moments is a child’s day. Much discussion, cuddling, teaching, and sharing can take place around evenings or mornings. If you are a father or mother who: has been involved with your child from birth; knows your child’s needs and habits; has time to focus in on your child when he is in your care; and shares a mutual, loving bond recognizable to those who know your family—then overnights should not automatically be ruled out because your child is an infant or toddler.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Custody, Parenting Plans, Protecting the Children, Teenagers
Posted in Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Emotions of Teenagers, Pareting Plans, Teenagers and Divorce, children of divorce | Comments Off

Parenting Plans for Children Age 6-12

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Children at this age are expanding their cognitive, social, and physical skills at lightening speed. Making distinctions between feelings, thoughts, and actions enables children to become socialized in ways that ensure their success in the world. They learn to understand the differences between what they wish and what they can make happen, what they do and do not have control over, and what is likely to happen and what is just a fantasy. Attachments to other people deepen, as children fall in love with friends, teachers, relatives, and other significant persons in their life. Skills related to grooming and adopting a physically attractive appearance, juggling multiple friendships and peer groups, dealing with anger and competition, and developing self-reliance are important hallmarks of this period. Values clarification is also crucial to the child’s ability to make sound decisions among competing choices. Click here for tips on creating a parenting plan.

A balance between structure and flexibility serves the children’s developmental needs best at this stage. Children need less predictability and more freedom to make arrangements around their own activities, and no matter how much they love you, insisting that they stick to an arrangement that impedes their social life is likely to build resentment. Children can handle 2-3 weekends per month with mid week stays toward the end of school age years. Four to six weeks during summer and vacations are also possible, although some spacing of weeks away from one’s primary home is recommended. Schedules in which parents share the week or month fairly evenly can be tested out during this period. William Hodges’ research indicated that children who are 7-8 years old prefer being with their non-primary parent 2-3 times per week, while older school age children (age ten and thereafter) prefer less frequent visits. Click here for some excellent parenting plan worksheets.

Almost any of the near equal arrangements or the weekend with evening contact schedules are consistent with the needs of school age children. By this age, if conflict is minimal between parents, your children are capable of helping you design the best schedule for them by telling you their desires if they do not fear of reprisal from, or feel the need to take care of, either parent.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Tags: Parenting Plans, Parenting Schedules, Pre-teens, Protecting the Children
Posted in Custody, Teenagers and Divorce, children of divorce | Comments Off

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Archive for the ‘children of divorce’ Category

Emotional Ties between Parents and Children

Does Your Child Need a Change in the Visitation Schedule?

What if My Child is in Danger?

What if My Child Doesn’t Want to Visit?

Using a Calendar

What if We Can’t Agree?

The Necessary Elements of a Parenting Plan

She has always controlled my relationship with the kids

Parenting Plans for the Teen Years

Parenting Plans for Children Age 6-12