When verbal or physical violence has been a part of your marriage, or is likely to be a troubling part of the picture during divorce, our recommendations change radically. This book is about collaborating and cooperating first and foremost, putting your children’s needs before your own, sometimes at what seems to be an initial cost to yourself.  We believe that a cooperative, constructive strategy is a long-term strategy which will serve you and your family better over the years, although it will mean making some sacrifices initially.  This advice changes when violence enters the family equation.

Violence of every form changes the landscape upon which we gaze. Safety and security establish the foreground, and cooperation fades into a distant point of focus. Or, put another way, you need to join a guided trip and forget the self-guided tour.  There is too much opportunity for getting lost and getting hurt.

Definitions of Violence

There is no one definition of what constitutes physical or verbal abuse. We refer to physical abuse as hitting, slapping, grabbing, pushing, biting, kicking or any more severe form of physical touch or restraint which is likely to invoke fear and/or cause injury. Verbal abuse consists of verbal assaults about one’s character (name calling), threats to harm the spouse or children, and threats made with the intent to coerce or scare – including threats of homicide. Abuse may also take the form of imposing control such as enforcing isolation, forbidding someone to leave the house, locking someone in a room, or other degrading behaviors in public or private.  It may also encompass stalking and harassment. Persons who make such verbal or physical assaults on their partners are referred to by the legal system as batterers, and their behavior is frequently referred to as domestic violence. Click here for some basic definitions of violence in relationships.

Although both men and women can be batterers in relationships, women are at greater risk for serious injury, due in part to their smaller size and less muscular physique. Women are the victims in 95% of known cases, while men are abused by their spouses in 5% of reported cases. However, new research suggests that men may be victims far more often than previously known. Therefore, we will address this section to women victims, but the facts and advice stated herein will be useful to men who are concerned about their own safety at the hands of their wives.

Divorce represents a crisis point for abused women. Through divorce, they have an opportunity to leave the abuse, and to make a new life. They are also at serious risk for the act of leaving in and of itself. National statistics indicate that 40% of all women murdered are killed by a spouse or boyfriend. Many of these women are killed in their own homes. Women are most seriously at risk soon after they leave their husbands, or announce that they are leaving. The potential for violence is also high during custody disputes. Disputed custody contests exacerbate violence among persons prone to angry, abusive responses. When the control that is part of an abusive relationship is threatened, would-be batterers up the ante to regain it. Click here for a website devoted to domestic violence. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

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