Archive for 2010

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

What do I do if I Think My Spouse Has Turned the Children Against Me?

Tuesday, November 30th, 2010

All too often parents will say that a child does not want to go with the other parent during their scheduled time. This may be manipulative on a parent’s part.  In many instances, however, the behavior is emanating from the child. This behavior or verbalization of a wish to change behavior is an attempt by the child to appear loyal to the primary custodial parent, because the child is senses that this parent has some left-over upset feelings towards the other parent. In cases like this, the child needs to be encouraged (and sometimes even forced) to go on the visits until the child feels that he or she is not dividing loyalties between parents simply by visiting with the non-custodial, less-seen parent. If need be, consult a therapist for help with these issues. For another article on this topic, click here.

The field of law and psychology has created a term for when a child does not want to visit her non-residential parent, expressed with venom and vehemence. The child expresses disregard for the parent, maybe even hatred. The term is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS occurs when a child becomes allied with one parent to a degree that they refuse to have any contact with the other parent. The hatred they express often reflects the feelings of their primary parent. They become echoes of their parent’s disdain. Often it is the mother’s disdain for the father. This disdain may be communicated directly to the child, until that parent cultivates negative feelings in the child that become deep rooted and unmalleable. When parents deny that they have conveyed such feelings to their child, it is often true that they have not discussed how they feel directly, yet they have conveyed their attitudes through unconscious communications which the child picks up. For 5 signs that your former spouse is turning your children against you, click here.

If you think you are the victim of PAS, you have several options open to you.

Your option of least intrusive means is to talk to your child yourself, and to have someone whom the child and you both trust (e.g., a grandparent) talk to the child. Tell your child how much he means to you, how much his rejection hurts, and how much you want to work on your relationship. Ask him what is getting in the way of your trying together. Sometimes this minimal intervention is sufficient to begin changing the situation, but not usually.

You can file a motion with the court for contempt of a visitation agreement, in order to have the court enforce your parenting plan. If the court finds the other parent guilty of contempt, it can levy financial, detainment, or other sanctions through changes in parenting orders.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Co-parenting, Conflict Management, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Self Care, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

How do I Help My Children at This Stage?

Thursday, November 25th, 2010

You can help your children most by doing everything in your power to keep them separate from the court contest. Be careful what you say on the phone or to visitors; children usually have much more information than parents think they do, albeit filtered through their own eyes and ears. Do not talk to your children about the dispute, except to inform them of its initiation, to answer their questions, to assure them of both parents’ continued love for them, and your desire to be their parent in all respects, whatever the dispute’s outcome.

Do not grill your children about the other home or use them as informants, detectives, or messengers. Your information must come from elsewhere. If you cannot find it, and  your children are not complaining to you directly, then perhaps you are blowing issues out of proportion. Click here for a kid’s guide to divorce.  

Pay attention to the stress level your children are expressing. They may be more manipulative or angry. They may be echoing your complaints about the other household; you’ll especially want to note if your spouse reports the opposite. Then your children may be “telling” you they are caught up in loyalty conflicts. They may be demonstrating increased anxiety around transitions between parental homes, or between their primary home and day care, school, or after school activities. They may be regressing in their behavior, going backwards to a previous developmental step. Or they may be discipline problems at home or at school. If you pay close attention, you may be able to trace the change in behavior to specific events, such as the house being sold or a parent’s move to another town. Or you may observe a slow deterioration as the custody dispute wears on. Click here for more children’s resources.

In any case, when you note negative changes in your child’s demeanor or behavior, you should first talk directly to your child (assuming they are verbal) to ascertain what he or she understands about his behavior, and to learn more details about what she is feeling. Talk to the child’s attorney or guardian to discuss changes you might make to facilitate your child’s improvement. Certainly, notify a teacher or therapist already in the picture.

If, upon discussion with other professionals involved in your child’s life and the case, you decide that either you need more information than the child is giving you, or that your child needs intervention, don’t wait until the dispute is over. Get help sooner rather than later. You could seek individual therapy or, in conjunction with your spouse, couples counseling specifically geared toward helping the two of you help your child. Or you could have your child seen by an outside mental health professional. Parents often complain at this stage that so many people are involved in the dispute that they are loathe to invite one more person in, especially with time and money already scarce. Your child did not ask for this dispute, and he or she shouldn’t bear the brunt of it. So if at all possible, you should get short term help, or just provide someone not connected to the dispute for him or her to talk to confidentially. It may help the child manage his or her stress level, and cope with the ongoing dispute. 

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: ,
Posted in Co-parenting, Pareting Plans, Teenagers and Divorce | 1 Comment »

More on Custody

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

Of course, if you are unable to get out of bed in the morning to fix your children breakfast, or you have been diagnosed with a severe mental illness which affects your ability to parent your children, these situations can adversely affect your custody claim. As unflattering as your psychiatric diagnosis may be, however, it is likely that your spouse will attempt to make an issue of it in your case.  If your therapist can testify about the progress you’ve made, the efforts you’ve put in to getting better, and your adherence to the therapist’s advice, the testimony will likely make the best of a less-than-optimal situation. Click here for an article on selecting the right evaluator.  For a host of information in custody in general, click here. 

Witnesses for hire:  In no case or circumstance does it make sense to hire competing independent evaluators to produce a battle of the experts. All you do is double your headaches, economic costs, and often the experts present opposing testimony that leaves the court will little help in the end. Choose one neutral evaluator carefully. Check into the person’s background and make sure they have no biases towards men or women, or other vantage point. Then agree to abide by the evaluation, and stick to it, even if it is unfavorable for you. Any true expert will work with you to improve the recommendations for all parties, as the parties show their ability to work together or compromise.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

Use of Therapists as Witnesses

Wednesday, November 17th, 2010

Asking your therapist to testify in court on your behalf, or to speak to a court-appointed evaluator, can greatly assist you in your case. Your therapist knows you well, and will be able to comment on your concerns about your children’s well-being, your efforts as a parent, and your problem-solving abilities. Judges typically find that therapists who testify on their own client’s behalf, and who do not testify about the other spouse if they have not interviewed him or her first hand, are helpful to the court. Click here for more information.

There are limitations and drawbacks to using a therapist to testify, however: your therapist probably has not met your spouse, and may not have met your children. He or she therefore can only comment on you, and not on someone that he or she has not met. 

By calling your therapist to testify, you are waiving your therapist-patient privilege, i.e., the confidentiality of your discussions with your therapist.  Prior to calling your therapist to testify on your behalf, everything that you and your therapist discussed was covered by a special doctor-patient privilege, and was confidential.  Your therapist cannot be called to testify without your permission, except in a few very limited circumstances.

By calling your therapist to testify for you, you are giving your permission for your spouse or his or her attorney to question your therapist about your diagnosis, relationship, and treatment.  Before you ask your therapist to testify for you, decide whether or not you feel comfortable giving up your confidentiality. Sometimes people are surprised by what they learn when their therapist testifies. If your therapist is not experienced in giving testimony, it is easy for him or her to be caught off guard by the opposing lawyer, and to have difficulty explaining to your advantage. Also, many very competent therapists will strongly encourage you to leave them out of the dispute, so that they can be most helpful to you in the ways for which they are best trained, and which is most respectful of the confidentiality of your relationship.

If the court-appointed evaluator wishes to speak to your therapist, you will also lose your confidentiality privilege. Under these circumstances, however, it is usually best to permit your therapist to speak to the evaluator unless there is a compelling reason to preserve the confidentiality of your relationship.

Unless and until you put your own mental health into question, your relationship with your therapist is strictly confidential.

For example, if you are claiming that you need alimony because you are unable to work because of a psychiatric disability, you have put your own mental health into question as part of your divorce case.  In addition, most courts have determined that by pursuing a custody matter you have also voluntarily put your mental health into question, and therefore your prior therapeutic records may lose their protected status with respect to confidentiality. This is because your mental health is generally perceived to affect your parenting. Therefore when you make a custody claim, assume your mental health is necessarily involved. Click here for another terrific article.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Child Support Issues, Custody, Divorce Preparation, Going to Trial | 1 Comment »

In the Event of a Trial

Monday, November 15th, 2010

As in any trial circumstance, collect material evidence whenever possible so you can offer viewpoints other than your own, which is obviously biased.  Daycare providers often have sign in and sign out sheets which reflect which parent dropped off and picked up a child. Doctors’ records, school attendance records, report cards, teacher reports, and receipts are sources of evidence. Journals and diaries can be useful, as well. For example, if you are separated and your wife always gets the children to school late on the days she’s responsible for their transportation, the school attendance records coupled with your visitation schedule can be evidence of her irresponsibility.  If the teacher’s notes say that your child never has his homework with him on the days after he’s spent time at his father’s house, then this is evidence that his father isn’t taking his parental responsibilities seriously with respect to school work. Click here for an article about what to expect during a trial. 

Think of people who could be witnesses to your activities with your child. If you are your child’s soccer coach, perhaps an assistant coach would be willing to write a letter or testify, if need be. Neighbors, daycare providers, friends, relatives, and everyone else who has seen you be a parent to your child are all possible witnesses. People who have seen you often, and know you as a parent, are the best witnesses. Any one example is not sufficient in itself, but when you have multiple examples that indicate regularity, consistency, and familiarity, witnesses matter.  Non-relatives are better than relatives, for obvious reasons, but relatives can serve as witnesses, too.

You will need to be careful in how you approach potential witnesses, as many of them may know both you and your spouse and will be reluctant to get involved.  Perhaps those who are reluctant would be willing to vouch for your abilities as a parent, without criticizing your spouse. Those who are familiar with your circumstances, have known you well for a period of years, and who are willing to speak out about inappropriate behavior on your spouse’s part are the best witnesses, but explore the possibility of asking others to come forward to help you as well. A handful of well-selected witnesses is more powerful than a laundry list of mediocre ones. Have your witnesses work with your lawyer about how to describe things accurately and adequately, so that your story is clear and convincing.

Some witnesses may provide a letter to the court supporting your position. An example of a helpful letter is:

I have known Jennifer for 15 years.  We are neighbors, and our children play together and go to the same school.  I am also acquainted with her husband, Ralph.  Last year Jennifer and I served as room mothers for her daughter Betsy’s class.  This entailed chaperoning on 3 field trips, assisting with 2 craft projects, and providing refreshments for 3 in-school parties.  Jennifer is always willing to help….etc., etc., etc.

I also know Jennifer’s husband, Ralph.  Last summer I saw him scream at Ralph Jr. when Ralph Jr. fell off his bicycle.  Ralph Jr. began to cry, but Ralph Sr. continued to yell. I was concerned, so I went over……..I saw similar events on four other occasions, which began to make me worry about Ralph Jr..

Judith Neighbor
Address + Telephone Number

Click here for more information on divorce trials.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: ,
Posted in Going to Trial, Legal Issues, Litigation, Uncategorized | Comments Off

Evaluation Recommendations

Thursday, November 11th, 2010

The court-sponsored evaluator is expected to make recommendations to the court. This is almost always the case when Family Relations officers are involved. Independent evaluators vary as to whether they make final recommendations or choose only to provide the court with information to make its own decisions. Either way, while courts are not bound by these reports, they rely very heavily on them. Once recommendations have been issued, you must consider them carefully. Your chances of refuting them, or petitioning the court to have them stricken from the court record, are slim to none. Click here for  a terrific website dedicated to child-centered family evaluations.

The evaluator usually recommends legal and physical custody (sole or joint) and a parenting schedule for each party. The recommendations may be written, oral, presented separately to the parties, or to the parties together in the same room, with or without attorneys. Recommendations may also include other elements. For example, the evaluator may recommend that either the parents or the child continue or begin therapy, that the child receive special education services, or that medication for parents or children is continued and monitored.  Assessment of children’s special needs or parenting vulnerabilities may translate into a recommendation concerning parenting in the future.

Life Under the Court’s Microscope

During your divorce, you are, in effect, under a microscope.  Both the court and your spouse are examining every aspect of your behavior.  Sometimes, spouses even hire private investigators to follow estranged spouses around. While not all of the information is pertinent, it is unsettling to have people watching. Your behavior will be scrutinized closely during this process. Click here for another terrific article.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Child Support Issues, Custody, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

What to Avoid Doing

Tuesday, November 9th, 2010

Do not link issues about your children with financial issues during the evaluation. You are presumably concerned about the stability of the children, not using them as a vehicle to obtain an advantage with regard to the family finances. Never mention money or the house in a custody study unless specifically asked by the evaluator. If your concern is for the children to remain in the family home, and you are concerned about how you can afford to do so, then state that as a concern rather than as a separate financial issue. Click here for a great article on some of the positive aspects of divorce.

Avoid insults and counter attacks on your spouse. Such responses can detract from the positive impact of a well reasoned response to criticism leveled against you. Instead, put a positive spin on your behaviors, concerns and actions.  For example, if your spouse thinks you are too much of a disciplinarian, explain this by outlining your concerns about giving the children structure, and describe how you are firm but fair (assuming that this is true).  Use these  “disagreements” to highlight the differences in parenting styles between yourself and your spouse, and for you to articulate why your approach is better than our spouse’s approach, and better for the children.

Do not rely on nitpicking details as your examples. An evaluator will not be pleased about hearing arguments about every time your spouse was twenty minutes late for his or her time with the children. 

Now is not the time to use your children as your confidante, or to involve them in adult problems. The court is going to take this into account when the court makes its final orders if you are unable to settle your case. Now is also not the time to introduce your children to your new boyfriend or girlfriend. Now is the time to be the best parent you can be, and to put your own social life and personal matters on hold. Click here for some tips on how to be nice to your former spouse.  

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in Custody, Pareting Plans, Sensivity to Children | Comments Off

Present Yourself in a Positive Light

Friday, November 5th, 2010

How you present yourself throughout the process is extremely important. Try to be pleasant and cooperative in your demeanor. Be as succinct and organized as possible in setting forth your version of a workable parenting plan. Use your calendar. Be brief, but complete. Anticipate what your spouse’s plan will be, and be prepared to explain why your spouse’s plan is not in the children’s best interests, or why it won’t work. Be ready to explain why your spouse is not the parent better able to handle areas of concern.  Use specific examples. When you are describing your spouse’s behavior, be descriptive without being judgmental.  Labels like “crazy” do not illustrate well, but examples of “crazy” behavior can paint a colorful picture of what life is like with your spouse for the evaluator. Highlight your concerns and explain why you are concerned about these behaviors or actions. Directly answer all questions asked without going into a “he said, she said”  rendition of the marital fights of the last six months. Negotiate in good faith. It may be difficult to do this when you are upset and stressed. Solid preparation on your part will insure that you are at your best. Click here for some coping tips.

Do your utmost to present your positions without appearing obstinate, demanding, or controlling. Never say, “I let my spouse _______”.  Re-phrase that sentence to say, “I’ve been willing for my spouse to __________”. Understanding what you need to present yourself as a rational, caring human being to the psychologist rather than a vengeful, bitter litigant is crucial. That doesn’t mean that you should compromise on what you think is in you children’s best interests just for the sake of being reasonable or reaching an agreement. Click here for more tips.  Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist

Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | Comments Off

Serving the Needs, Development and Growth of the Child

Thursday, October 28th, 2010

The evaluator will be interested in the structure that a parent provides for a child, the ability to provide clear boundaries and firm but fair discipline, in addition to the nurturing and caretaking abilities.  Ideally, the evaluator will hope to see a blend of structure, warmth and affection shown to the child. This combination optimizes parenting.  During every stage of your divorce it’s important for you to assess the quality and degree of your parenting devotion and involvement, for you to use this time as an opportunity to increase the time you spend, and enhance your relationship with your children. However, in the event of a custody dispute, you will continually and consistently want to demonstrate your best capacities and attitudes. For an article on the needs of divorced children, click here.        

A controversial issue in children’s care is whether or not a parent’s work hours is a detriment to his/her case. Nowadays, many young children spend time in day care, and this is not a negative factor in itself. On the other hand, if one parent is much more available than the other parent to spend time with the children, you need to take a hard look at why there is a custody battle between you.

Current circumstances are most important to the court, but if you or your spouse have engaged in past behaviors that were severe enough to impair your judgment and ability to parent, these matters can also be considered by the court. Such behaviors may include losing your temper with the other parent or your child and acting rashly and harshly, especially if it was done in sight of witnesses whom the other parent will now enlist in his/her behalf. More extreme examples include ongoing verbal or physical abuse of the other parent, the children, or even pets. 

If this describes you, you will want to be able to state clearly how your past behavior does not relate to the present situation, and how you have changed.  If this pertains to your spouse, and is ongoing, document in as much detail as you can what the past problem was, including any supporting materials such as police reports, doctors reports, child abuse reports, and so forth.  You will also need to be able to explain why this past behavior impacts your spouse’s current ability to be a good parent. Click here for another terrific article.         

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

 

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Creative Problem Solving, Emotions During Divorce, Living Arrangements | Comments Off

Emotional Ties between Parents and Children

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

The most important part of the evaluation for most evaluators is observing how each parent relates to their children. Click here for an article on bonding.   The court will consider relationships between each parent and child, past and present, with an emphasis on the present. The evaluator will assess how close, or “bonded” the child is to each parent to determine who is the primary caretaker in the child’s life. All children need at least one primary person, although they can easily be attached to two or more people. The primary person is typically the one who has spent more time with the child, but this is not always the case.  It is generally judged to be the person to whom the child turns when ill, upset, or tired. It is the person who takes off from work to do not only the routine care of the child, but the emergency care, as well. In your family, who disciplines the child on a regular basis is a crucial element, especially for children old enough to get into trouble when parents exert insufficient, inappropriate, or ineffective discipline. If you feel that your bonding with the child has diminished over time, take this opportunity to renew your connections. Bear in mind that all parents and children experience ebbs and flows of emotional connection over the course of the child’s development. This is an essential part of growing up and becoming an autonomous being. Click here for a great article on the bonding process.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

  • Share/Bookmark

Tags: ,
Posted in Child Support Issues, Co-parenting, Custody, Emotions During Divorce, Pareting Plans, children of divorce | Comments Off

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Bad Behavior has blocked 175 access attempts in the last 7 days.