Mediation Blog » 2010

More on Violence and Abuse

admin — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 12:00:30 +0000

If the abuse is physical or violent in any way, or is verbal but threatens physical violence (“I’ll burn the house down with you in it”), you may qualify for a restraining order or an order of protection. In addition, this type of violence can be a factor in property distribution and alimony if your state considers the reasons that the marriage broke down in property division and alimony orders. Therefore, even if you elect not to obtain a restraining order or order of protection, it may still make sense to raise violence as an issue pertinent to your case. For more on restraining orders, click here. For more on an order of protection, click here.

If you have been subjected to abuse that is predominantly verbal: badgering, insulting, screaming and the like, but which doesn’t include threats to physically hurt you, then you are probably not entitled to a restraining order or order of protection in most jurisdictions. This type of abusive behavior, however, may be considered “fault” in those jurisdictions which consider the reasons that the marriage broke down in property division and alimony orders. You may also use this information in a custody dispute, as evidence of your spouse’s deficiency as a parent. You will need to discuss this with your attorney to decide if it would be worthwhile to pursue a fault claim on this basis.

Other types of abuse include threats toward your children. If the abuse is either physical or of a violent nature toward your children, or involves threats to kidnap them, then you may be able to apply for and receive a restraining order or order of protection on behalf of your children. This is described in more detail in a later section of this chapter.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Temporary Restraining Order

admin — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 12:00:30 +0000

If your spouse has been physically abusive or threatening to you in the immediate past, you may qualify for a Temporary Restraining Order. The general standard for such a restraining order is that the person against whom it is granted must be a relative of yours by blood or by marriage, or someone with whom you have lived. That person must have put you in a position where you are under a present threat of physical abuse. That means that if your spouse abused you 2 years ago, and in some cases 2 months ago, you will not qualify. You do not need to have bruises, black eyes, or broken bones in order to qualify. Threats such as “I will burn down the house before I give it to you”, menacing actions with handguns, pushing, shoving, and physical restraint may all qualify as abuse sufficient for a restraining order. You need not have the police involved in most cases in order to qualify. Click here for more information.

Most courts have set up the process so that you can apply for and obtain a Temporary Restraining Order without hiring an attorney. You can hire an attorney to help you obtain such an order, but it isn’t necessary. The procedure includes filling out appropriate forms, available at the Court Clerk’s office. You then tell a judge a brief explanation of the history of abuse and why you are afraid at the present time. The order goes into effect immediately. The order forbids your spouse from coming near you, into your home, or into your place of work, calling to harass you by telephone, placing any physical restraint on you, or assaulting you. Even coming near you is a violation of the restraining order, and your spouse could be arrested for doing so.

Thus, you may wish to obtain a TRO before the divorce papers are served, in order to protect yourself. For many, seeking a restraining order will be the last step towards a divorce after many episodes of abuse or threats, or both.

A follow-up hearing is then scheduled within a few days or weeks to give the person against whom you have the order a chance to tell his or her side of the story. If the restraining order is continued after the hearing, it usually stays in effect for several months, depending upon your state’s laws. These orders provide special relief for special circumstances, and should not be used in- appropriately in an effort to simply have your (non-abusive) spouse removed from the family home. Click here for another article on temporary restraining orders.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

If You are at Risk for Violence

admin — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 12:00:27 +0000

Make a safety plan. Have ready to go:

an address book with important names and numbers: doctors, school personnel, teachers, police, domestic violence hot line, shelters, and trustworthy friends and relatives
documents: driver’s license, insurance information, car registration, copy of house deed, passport/green card/work permits, social security card, birth certificate
household information: mortgage book, unpaid bills, debt information, insurance papers
copy of any restraining orders already in effect
money and credit cards
medications
children’s favorite personal possessions, such as blankets, stuffed animals, bottles
change of clothing for each member who might flee with you

If you are planning an escape, call a lawyer who is experienced with the special risks and needs in domestic violence situations before you do anything else. If there is no time, call after you have left your home. Do not allow a confrontation, just leave without notice and get to a safe place. Click here for information on creating a domestic abuse safety plan.

What Constitutes an Abusive Relationship as Far as the Court is Concerned?

For legal purposes, various types of abuse are categorized as either:

verbal abuse which does not present a threat of actual danger, i.e., “You’re stupid, lazy and irresponsible and I hate you”
verbal abuse which may constitute a present threat of physical danger, i.e., “I’m going to get a gun and shoot you” or “I’m going to burn down the house”
verbal abuse which may constitute a threat to commit a crime, i.e., “I’m going to take the children and move to another country and you’ll never find me”
verbal abuse coupled with a history of physical abuse, i.e., “I’m going to give it to you just like last time” or other innuendos which refer to previous physical instances
restraining you from leaving without actually physically touching you, i.e., blockading you into a room or the house
violent behavior which takes place in your presence but which doesn’t hurt you, i.e., throwing a heavy object in your direction which isn’t intended to hit you and which doesn’t hit you, or putting a fist through a wall; intent to intimidate is present
sexual assault, i.e. any unwanted physical sexual touching or fondling
physical abuse, i.e, slapping, punching, tripping, shoving or any other unwanted or menacing physical touching which happens at least once. It need not cause a bruise or injury.

Once you are able to categorize the type of abuse which you are receiving, you can then decide when and if to bring it up to the court. Click here for a website dedicated to safety from domestic abuse.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

I am at Risk for Violence?

admin — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 12:00:05 +0000

If your spouse is controlling, jealous, possessive, and threatening in several of the ways described above, you are at risk for being hurt during your divorce. The risk increases for women if their partners own or have access to a gun, have a history of abusing alcohol or drugs, have stalked them in the past, or threatened violence or suicide. When you are the one leaving or your husband and you are involved in a custody dispute, you should be especially careful. If any or several of these descriptors fit your relationship, you should assess the likelihood of conflict escalating into violence with the help of an attorney or mental health professional, and you should take necessary precautions. Click here for an article on domestic abuse associated with divorce.

In the meantime, you can informally assess what the risk is for you of continued contact with your spouse by asking yourself these questions:

Is the frequency of the violence increasing?
Is the severity of the violence increasing?
What is the frequency of alcohol or drug use? How often is the point of intoxification (drunkeness) reached?
Has your spouse threatened to harm the children?
Has your spouse threatened to kill you or significant others?
Has your spouse threatened to coerce or hurt you sexually?
Have there been any suicide attempts or threats made?
Are any weapons available to him, and have they ever been used in fights before?
Does he have any known psychological problems?
How close do you live or work to each other?
How often does control get exerted around contact with the children, by him? By you?
What kinds of life stresses is he currently experiencing? How have these changed recently?
Does he have a criminal history?
Is there a new relationship in your life? Does he know? How has he acted about it?

If the answers indicate that you have reason to fear, and that trouble seems more likely at the current time, then you should proceed with immediacy and care.

Click here for another terrific article.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Other Options for Victims of PAS

admin — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 12:00:46 +0000

If you have not done so already, you can request an evaluation in order to clearly demonstrate that the alienation has occurred and is being reinforced through the other parent. For an article on the signs of PAS, click here.

You can request therapeutic intervention. The therapist will work with the alienated parent and child, separately and together, to reunite them gradually. For more information, click here.

One of the sad aspects about alienation is that forcing your child to see you when he doesn’t want to often just reinforces his view of you as an ogre or a bully. Your efforts are invariably “misunderstood” through negative misinterpretation or attribution of intent. Even if the court forces your child to see you, it may not improve your relationship. A therapeutic route is always a better bet than a legal one. However, often you cannot change your child’s opinions, no matter what you try. You may then have to wait it out. Keep in contact from a distance, dropping notes or calling occasionally to remind your child that you care, that you are abiding by his or her wishes, but that you want things to be different. It may take years, but if you have been wronged, children generally figure this out on their own. It is sad to both of you when you realize you have wasted precious time, but your child will appreciate how you hung in, and will feel loved and appreciated. This seems like a meager reward compared to what you endured, but in the end, you are likely to find each other again.

The rejected parent isn’t always so pure and wronged, however. Parents whose children have been turned against them have generally contributed to the situation by acting in demanding, controlling, arrogant, or selfish ways that lend support to the other parent’s accusations. Examine your reflection carefully in the mirror. Are you ready to understand your role in what has happened? Children rarely turn on a parent so completely without some provocation, unless the alienating parent is so vulnerable that the child must support that parent to maintain her coping, to whatever minimal extent it is operating. In the latter situation, it is difficult to fight such strong influences. The passage of time, patience, and consistently nurturing behavior can amass the power to turn around such complex, ingrained dynamics.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

What if My Child has Witnessed Violence

admin — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 12:00:44 +0000

Over 3 million children are at risk of exposure to parental violence each year. Most research suggests that as many as 75% of children from violent homes observe their fathers battering their mothers, with reports ranging from 68% to 87%. It has been noted that in some instances the violence is most likely to occur when the children are present, as the father seeks to further humiliate his wife. The amount of hostility and verbal abuse turned on you can and does affect your children. Research shows that children who witness such behavior show long lasting effects.

Children are prone to suffer from parental violence in four ways:

Immediate trauma
Longer term adverse effects on their normal development
Living under high levels of stress on a consistent basis, with the trauma that fear of harm to self and mother inflicts
Exposure to violent role models

Children who have witnessed violence report fear, worry, confusion, and stress. They experience problems regardless of their age at the time of the violence. Children as young as one year were observed to regress in their behavior so dramatically that they were incorrectly diagnosed as mentally retarded. Preschoolers demonstrate more yelling, hiding, shaking, stuttering and aches and pains in their heads, stomachs, and bowels. Children older than about six years of age may identify with the aggressive parent, growing up to be aggressive or abusive themselves. This is especially true for boys who have watched their fathers berate and abuse their mothers. Girls are more likely to display passive, withdrawn and dependent behavior. They also are more likely to become targets of abusive fathers; they are 6.5 times more likely to be sexually abused by their fathers than are girls in nonviolent homes. In the long term, girls are likely to repeat their mothers’ behavior, falling into abusive relationships. Click here for more information.

Other problems experienced by children who witness their mothers being abused include pervasive anxiety, fear, sleep disruption (e.g., nightmares, bed wetting), and school problems. Depression, low self-esteem, poor self-confidence, and insecurity are internal symptoms recorded by researchers. Difficulties in academic achievement, concentration, absenteeism, and conflict with other children are more externalized symptoms also commonly found among children who witnessed violence at home. The children are often less socially competent than their peers, as they are more isolated and feel shame about their families. By adolescence, children who witnessed violence have more behavior problems, are more likely to get into trouble with the law, and are more likely to commit violent acts outside the family. One study suggests that these children are arrested by police four times more often than non-abused children. Some adolescents express their distress by running away, abuse of alcohol, or suicide attempts. In divorcing families where violence was frequent and ongoing, research has also traced the development of personality disorders that are difficult to change and require long and intensive therapy. For another article, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Setting Clear Boundaries

admin — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 12:00:08 +0000

Oftentimes, your situation does not meet the level of serious violence where you have to flee, but you are subject to ongoing intimidation. This is also a form of violence or battering. Understand that when you are being victimized, your children are at risk for being hurt too. Furthermore, you are teaching them about your expectations for relationships, a kind of learning that they may carry with them throughout their life and repeat when it is their turn to become involved in intimate relations. Set standards for how you will allow yourself and your children to be treated. Click here for a terrific article on boundary setting.

Indications that your partner has gone too far include: getting angry at you when you disagree; punching holes in walls; throwing objects (aimed at nothing or at you); destroying belongings; threatening to hurt you or leave you for the purpose of creating fear in you; physically restraining you from leaving home; putting pressure on you not to work when you want to; insulting or ridiculing you; becoming jealous of your friends, activities, or hobbies; making you account for your whereabouts at all times; using promises and lies to manipulate you or to get you to forgive an angry behavior; isolating you from friends or family; making you ask permission to go out or make a career move; threatening your possessions, pets, or children’s safety.

Do not allow behaviors that feel uncomfortable, frightening, or intimidating to become acceptable to you or your children. These behaviors are forms of abuse even if you do not fear for your safety. Make it clear to your spouse that he can no longer seek to control your life or your actions. If you do fear for your safety, you will need to take additional steps to stay safe. Click here for another terrific article.

When Your Children Are Involved and Affected

Children can be affected from parental violence in several ways. They can be injured during an incident between their parents; they can be traumatized by fear for their mother and their own sense of helplessness in protecting her; they can blame themselves for not preventing the violence or for causing it; they can be directly abused themselves; and they can be neglected by parents who cannot care for them properly due to the violence in their relationship. Studies show that parents underestimate how often and to what extent children are witnesses to parental violence. Both mothers and fathers report that children are witnesses less than the children report when given the opportunity to respond for themselves.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Patterns of Abusive Relationships

admin — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 12:00:50 +0000

Abusive relationships tend to follow a cyclical pattern that recurs throughout the relationship. Many times some of the warning signs were present early in the relationship, but they seemed muted. Other times behavior prior to marriage is controlling and demanding, but never reaches a violent stage until after the marriage or a child is born.

The cycle has three fairly predictable steps:

A period of building tensions in which small incidents become more frequent, and the batterer expresses irritation and frustration with his partner’s appearance, behavior, or imagined relationships with other persons.
Next an acute incident causes an explosion. The batterer “blows” like a pressure-filled chimney, shooting anger and venom at the spouse. The incident usually results in actual violence or threats that are serious and barely related to the incident, and the intensity of the reaction is far out of proportion to the incident itself.
Next follows a period of loving contrition, where the batterer apologizes and tries to woo back the affections of his victim. This is where most women are vulnerable, as they willingly believe promises that such behavior will not be repeated. Then the cycle starts all over again. Click here for more information.

There is another pattern to the violence. It is an intergenerational transmission of the battering behavior and the attitudes that underlie it. Women who were abused as children, physically or sexually, are more likely to become battered wives as adults. Similarly, a risk factor for becoming a batterer is witnessing your parents’ violence as a child. Studies compiled by the National Organization for Men Against Sexism show that boys who witnessed their father beat their mother were three times more likely to beat their own wives. However, it is important to note that many abusers do not have a history of witnessing domestic violence, and many who did witness such violence do not themselves become batterers.

The causes of domestic violence are not yet completely understood. However, many factors contribute to its inception. Domestic violence, and other types of violent behavior, have been linked to neurological impairments, such as head injuries. Violence between spouses is also associated with binge drinking and with the onset of early alcoholism. The most clear correlate with battering, as noted above, is being abused as a child or witnessing violence. For a host of additional information, click here.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Domestic Violence and Abuse

admin — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 12:00:34 +0000

When verbal or physical violence has been a part of your marriage, or is likely to be a troubling part of the picture during divorce, our recommendations change radically. This book is about collaborating and cooperating first and foremost, putting your children’s needs before your own, sometimes at what seems to be an initial cost to yourself. We believe that a cooperative, constructive strategy is a long-term strategy which will serve you and your family better over the years, although it will mean making some sacrifices initially. This advice changes when violence enters the family equation.

Violence of every form changes the landscape upon which we gaze. Safety and security establish the foreground, and cooperation fades into a distant point of focus. Or, put another way, you need to join a guided trip and forget the self-guided tour. There is too much opportunity for getting lost and getting hurt.

Definitions of Violence

There is no one definition of what constitutes physical or verbal abuse. We refer to physical abuse as hitting, slapping, grabbing, pushing, biting, kicking or any more severe form of physical touch or restraint which is likely to invoke fear and/or cause injury. Verbal abuse consists of verbal assaults about one’s character (name calling), threats to harm the spouse or children, and threats made with the intent to coerce or scare – including threats of homicide. Abuse may also take the form of imposing control such as enforcing isolation, forbidding someone to leave the house, locking someone in a room, or other degrading behaviors in public or private. It may also encompass stalking and harassment. Persons who make such verbal or physical assaults on their partners are referred to by the legal system as batterers, and their behavior is frequently referred to as domestic violence. Click here for some basic definitions of violence in relationships.

Although both men and women can be batterers in relationships, women are at greater risk for serious injury, due in part to their smaller size and less muscular physique. Women are the victims in 95% of known cases, while men are abused by their spouses in 5% of reported cases. However, new research suggests that men may be victims far more often than previously known. Therefore, we will address this section to women victims, but the facts and advice stated herein will be useful to men who are concerned about their own safety at the hands of their wives.

Divorce represents a crisis point for abused women. Through divorce, they have an opportunity to leave the abuse, and to make a new life. They are also at serious risk for the act of leaving in and of itself. National statistics indicate that 40% of all women murdered are killed by a spouse or boyfriend. Many of these women are killed in their own homes. Women are most seriously at risk soon after they leave their husbands, or announce that they are leaving. The potential for violence is also high during custody disputes. Disputed custody contests exacerbate violence among persons prone to angry, abusive responses. When the control that is part of an abusive relationship is threatened, would-be batterers up the ante to regain it. Click here for a website devoted to domestic violence.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com

Personal Assessment: Child Custody

admin — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 12:00:49 +0000

Have I tried every avenue in my power to avoid a custody dispute, and am I so sure my child is in danger that it is worth the heavy toll it will take on all of us? If my convictions are sure and clear minded, then I can proceed with authority rather than self-righteousness. For several articles on custody issues, click here.

Have I gone about the process in the best manner available to me? Have I hired competent professionals (attorney and mental health) who will represent my interests vigorously without fighting for its own sake? Do I have confidence in the evaluator we are using? I will need someone the court and I trust, and I have selected with care.

Have I prepared every step of the way? If I can answer “yes”, then I have done my leg work, I have documented my concerns, enlisted support for my case, and followed the guideposts provided for my demeanor and behavior in and out of court. These guideposts will lead me to the highest ground. Click here for another terrific article.

Have I observed my children throughout the process to gauge their reactions, and to detect when they need help coping with the legal dispute and its accompanying stresses? I am on the right trail if I have not lost sight of the reason I am doing this, and my children are still in the forefront of my thinking, feeling, and actions.

Have I made my problems my children’s? Have I done anything to undermine their relationship with the other parent; alternatively, have I given them reason not to trust or respect me? Am I willing to be party to such pain in their life, when I may be able to help ameliorate it with them? If I cut out the other parent from their life, I do get more of their time, but there is less of them because a part of them has been cut away too.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com