Marvin recognized that he was being inflammatory. Every time he entered the therapy office with his wife, he would begin by saying, “I don’t want to be here and work on this, I just want to hurt her for her infidelity to me. I want her to pay for all the pain she has caused me. And I know just what to say that will make her crazy when we are close to settling our problems. I know that’s not productive, but I can’t help myself. Why should I make her life any happier? I am afraid she’ll just find someone new and I’ll be stuck with all the heartache.” Click here to read five keys to overcoming fear.
Marvin didn’t realize how much he was losing until the divorce process got too far underway to turn back. Many times during this middle phase of divorce the leaver is struck with how much she or he is losing, having focused previously only on what would be gained by divorce. By the time Marvin’s wife began to reconsider whether or not she wanted the divorce, Marvin had been so hurtful toward her that she no longer considered reconciliation an option. Whether you are the leaver or the left, the amount of loss in divorce becomes tangible – changes in residence, neighborhood, friends, family, economics, routines, traditions, identity (being known as “so and so’s spouse”), dreams, a future that is predictable in some respects. The post divorce realities fill one with a sense of dread, of fears that all humans experience – of being lonely, not having enough money, making decisions without input, dating, being single in a world too often oriented to couples and two parent families.
Couples who go to trial are more likely to experience multiple losses and the fears that accompany them. Yet it is these fears that often underlie the interactions that lead couples down the path toward a legal battle. Mothers fight to have their children stay only in one home during all school days, not only out of concern for the child, but because the house is so quiet without them that it engenders panic about not knowing exactly what her child is doing. They experience the emptiness of missing the bedtime story and the predictable fight to turn out the light. Fathers fight to have more weekend time, even when their children say they need the time with their friends, because the feeling that their parental role has slipped away prevents them from giving in on this point. For these fathers, the last thing they wanted was to be a Dad whose child doesn’t want to be with him, but they can’t find another solution without fear of losing their chance to affect their child’s development in a significant way.
These fears can result in failure to find an arrangement with which everyone can live comfortably. Instead, you stick stubbornly to your ground, making up excuse after excuse not to reach an acceptable resolution. Click here for an entire website about dealing with fear
Be honest with yourself about your fears, write them down, and then face them. Walk through the legal walls you have been hiding behind. Your judgment will suddenly improve, and you’ll recall what it feels like to see the first ray of sun after a summer storm.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com
(C) 2008 Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.
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Tags: Overcoming Fear, Revenge Thoughts
