The fear of losing one’s property or children becomes a central motivator to fight back, the way an animal strikes out blindly when it senses its personal or familial security is threatened. As the conflict increases, each person becomes more certain that they cannot trust the other, and therefore must turn to an outside party to police their interactions. The legal system is brought in for its protective functions. However, this view of the legal system stems from its functions in a criminal situation. In the civil realm, the court has few protections that it can enforce. It may be able to stop spouses from being violent or stealing property from each other. But it is a slow and cumbersome process, and often it does too little too late to be of assistance. The threat of the court’s authority keeps people afraid. They fear that their spouse will somehow prevail, they will succeed in unleashing their wrath legally, and the power of the court will be used to condone it. Click here for some excellent conflict management techniques.
If it is early enough in the conflict, you can stop this cycle by refusing to engage. Don’t fight back. Click here for a great article about walking away from conflict. Hold your ground but do what you can not to inflame your spouse. Make small concessions, and bend over backwards not to fight. It means turning the other cheek and letting the other person have their way, but having the fighting stop will work to your advantage later. If you are already fighting over issues you cannot concede to, like sole custody of your child, then you must use the legal process but be sure to work with an attorney who understands your important bottom lines and what is worth fighting for, rather than an attorney who’s interested in supporting the fight. Sometimes an attorney is well meaning, and encourages you to fight because he or she agrees you have been wronged. Such support does not always work to your advantage, despite the best of intentions. Your attorney should help you decide what not to fight about, as well.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com
(C) 2008 Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.
Related posts:
- Conflict as You Prepare to Divorce
- Conflict Resolution 101
- Forks in the Road: Settlement or Conflict?
- What if My Spouse is Lying?
Tags: Boundaries, Conflict Management, Disengaging from Conflict, Holding Your Ground
