The Court may or may not furnish a settlement officer. For example, in Connecticut the court furnishes an officer from the Family Relations Office, and if you are unable to settle your case using the Family Relations Office, the court will supply a judge to act as a settlement officer. If you have a contested custody matter, you may also participate in a settlement conference using an attorney-therapist team. In California, volunteer programs through the bar association supply lawyers to assist in settlement conferences. Other states’ programs team a lawyer and mental health professional to make recommendations. Typically, clients don’t participate directly in this process but wait in the hallway to discuss, accept or reject the recommendations made by the officers. You may only have a few minutes to talk with your lawyer about the recommendations before being required to respond. At this stage, if not before,  the benefits of private mediations discussed in Chapter 3 become apparent.

You have the option of rejecting recommendations made, but it is often counter-productive to do so when an experienced officer of the court tells you your likely outcomes in the event of a trial.

Once your case has been negotiated and, hopefully, settled, you can ask the court for a date upon which you can do an uncontested divorce hearing where you will present the agreement for the judge to approve. If you do not settle your case at this stage, a trial is scheduled.

If you are not sure where to get started, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Consider the following situation: A young woman was trying to get custody of her son who she claimed had been kidnapped by her ex-husband. She seemed very straightforward and earnest, and her lawyer prepared the necessary papers to attempt to get the child back. At the hearing which was held several weeks later, her lawyer learned for the first time under direct examination by the opposing attorney that she was a pornographic movie star–and she’d voluntarily given the child to her ex-husband to care for while she got her life in order. Unfortunately, she had not shared this information in advance. Her lawyer was unable to describe the events in a favorable light. The client took a huge chance that her job and lapse in judgment by giving up the child would not come up in questioning and that if they did, that the judge would not care. As it turned out, the judge was very conservative. He questioned her moral character, and was upset that she had lied to the court about what she did for a living and the circumstances under which the child had ended up with the ex-husband. The judge not only took custody away from her, but he suspended her visitation completely pending further investigation by the court.

Not all hearings are quite so dramatic, but it’s better that your lawyer knows about a situation which you may find potentially embarrassing in advance.

For a good article on communicating with your lawyer, see  http://www.aaml.org/go/library/publications/divorce-manual-a-client-handbook/divorce-manual-7-lawyerclient-communication/. Also, be as prepared as possible with the information you will need to share. See the articles, plans and checklist available at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

If you think that your spouse is having an affair, or has a secret business partner, the first place to look is your old phone bills. Are there numbers you don’t recognize?  You can determine to whom the phone numbers belong through an internet search. One such website is located at:  http://www.infospace.com.

If you feel that it is absolutely necessary, you can follow your spouse in the car, call at odd times at work, or ask your friends to help you out. Obviously, do not attempt such tracking if you think your spouse could become violent. Consider the ramifications in any case, because if you are wrong and your spouse finds out what you are doing, trust is gone and you will be on the defensive. If you or your attorney feel that you need to accumulate this evidence, however, consider doing the sleuthing yourself. You may be able to see with your own eyes what you would pay a hefty fee to a private detective to see. Obviously, don’t do anything illegal or dangerous.

When should I think about hiring a professional detective?    

When your financial picture or personal situation is complicated, ( i.e., you know that your spouse makes a great deal of money but you have no savings to show for it, or a large bank account has “disappeared” and you can’t find any evidence of where the money went using the techniques outlined above), you may want to hire a private detective or asset searcher who can run a computer check on your spouse’s social security number, name and date of  birth to determine if he or she has bank accounts in this country or abroad. Such procedures are expensive, however, costing upwards of  $750.00 for each search. Searching for any amount under $5,000 is probably not worth it. The bottom line should be whether uncovering additional money is critical to your standard of living, rather than satisfying a psychological determination to trap your spouse.

There is no substitute for talking with your own lawyer and making an informed decision about how to proceed. If you are not sure where to get started, see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Social security records can be accessed through your local social security office. Social security is often stubborn about releasing records and honoring subpoenas, so if you need such records, get started on this project early!

Credit reports

Your spouse’s credit report is a great source of information. Oftentimes it will contain addresses given by your spouse, employment and wage information in addition to open or available credit, as well as credit-worthiness. You will need either a signed authorization from your spouse or a subpoena to get a copy of your spouse’s report, since this information is confidential. To obtain a copy if your spouse is uncooperative, you or your lawyer can file a motion requesting authorization, but you will need to prove to the court why it would be useful for your case. For example, if your spouse is claiming that he or she cannot refinance the house because of bad credit, then he or she can be required to prove that this claim is true by providing a copy of a credit report. Your spouse may have given another address as part of a credit application. This address will show up on the credit report.

Loan and credit applications

Most people present themselves in the most favorable light possible when applying for loans, mortgages, and credit cards. If you believe your spouse has not been truthful about his or her income, get a copy of a recent loan application and compare what your spouse now reports as earnings with the loan application. This information is typically provided with a statement that the information given on the loan is true and correct, and sometimes it’s even provided under oath, such as for a mortgage application. This information can be used to establish your spouse’s income at trial if he or she is not being honest about his or her earnings. It can also be used to challenge his or her credibility if the credit application states one amount, and the financial statement submitted by your spouse to the court states another amount.

Financial institutions typically keep copies of loan applications for several years. The more recent the loan application, the greater the likelihood that the institution from whom you are seeking information has a copy of the application. You will need a signed authorization from your spouse or a subpoena to get this information, as it is confidential.

The more informed you are, the less fearful you will be. There is a lot of free information at http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Banks and brokerage houses maintain records for several years. If statements mysteriously disappear from your records drawer, you can always get them from the bank or brokerage house. Oftentimes their records will go back for years on computerized record storage. There may be a charge for researching and copying these records, so ask in advance how much it will cost. If  mysterious stock and bond (or other asset-type) statements arrive in the mail that you do not understand, photocopy them.

Tax returns

 Copies of your tax returns should be available from your accountant, or you can get them directly from the IRS by sending a copy of IRS form 4506 with a check for $23.00 per tax return to the address listed on the form (where you send your request depends on your state of residence). You can also access the IRS online at:   http://www.irs.ustreas.gov/prod/cover.html

Registrations and official records

The Secretary of State maintains records of corporations and partnership registrations. Professional associations keep track of all professional licenses, and court clerks’ offices keep a registry of lawsuits. Every car, boat, house trailer, and camper has a title and registration. In the case of a car, house trailer, or camper, the title is registered with the department of motor vehicles. Boats are registered with the Coast Guard.

Houses and condominiums are registered with the town clerk in the town hall in the city in which the property is located. The town clerk’s office, assessor, or tax collector maintains these deeds. You can request a certified copy of a deed at the recorder’s office. Sometimes they will honor these requests via mail. The copying fee is nominal.

Almost every kind of asset has some sort of ownership record. You can search each source directly, and the internet is also a useful resource. An example of a comprehensive internet site which permits you to search various record databases is but as the worldwide web grows, new sites become available every day.

Pension, profit sharing, and 401k and stock option records

Pension, profit sharing, 401k and stock option records can be accessed through the providing entity. Typically, this is an employer or brokerage firm. If you do not know who that entity is for your spouse, you can find out using interrogatories or a deposition, but in most cases, a simple request from your spouse’s attorney should suffice.

Make sure you are informed about how to build your case. There is a lot of free information at http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Mr. Woods allegedly cheated on his wife.  A lot.  The details revealed by the many, many people party to this conflict vary, but all I need to know is that Tiger could have been honest with his wife a long time ago about the feelings that lead him to cheat – distance in their relationship, a desire to meet the lowest common denominator of ethics among athletes, whatever.  If he had been honest, he might have been able to have a quiet split, or possibly hold onto his marriage and his mult-million dollar endorsements.  Instead, he’s in for a very long, contentious, expensive and embarrassing divorce.

Honesty might not guarantee a successful marriage, but it’s absolutely necessary for a peaceful divorce.  Honesty with yourself, and with your spouse, gives you the power to identify the sources of your conflicts, clearly articulate needs, and productively work toward lasting solutions.  Even if you have committed to all of the principles of a peaceful divorce, there’s probably been an issue where you’ve wondered if honesty is really the best policy.   You may think to yourself that everything will go much more smoothly if your spouse doesn’t find out about that other credit card you maxed out, your feelings for your landscaper, or that you’re so unhappy that you caved on something important that you’ll be retributive later.

Think again.  If you’re being forthcoming in every other aspect of your divorce process, you are in peril of losing all of the progress and good faith you built when what you’ve been hiding is revealed.  If your divorce is already contentious, your secret is bound to come to light while attorneys are combing through your life.  The risks of being dishonest during your divorce can add tremendous time and expense, and in some cases be considered perjury (http://www.facebook.com/#/notes/peace-talks-mediation-services/ethical-problems-if-its-your-hidden-income/201576389299).  The risks will outweigh the rewards.  For more guidance that Tiger wishes he’d had, read YourDivorce Advisor (http://www.amazon.com/Your-Divorce-Advisor-Psychologist-Emotional/dp/0684870681/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260834339&sr=8-1).

Finding Your Spouse’s Hidden Assets

Irrespective of the risk, hiding assets is not an infrequent event. Fortunately, finding most hidden assets is reasonably easy. It’s just a matter of being thorough and persistent. Almost every source of income and asset has a paper trail, or some other evidence of its existence. Private investigators now have databases to search even off-shore bank accounts and stock holdings. You have access to a great deal of personal information about your spouse, so if you have the incentive and time to spend doing a little detective work on your own, you can save a bundle on private detective fees.

Income

All wages and income which have been paid by an employer are required to be reported to employees and the IRS via W-2 and 1099 forms. Therefore, the employer will have records of wage information, which will also appear on tax returns.

Sometimes people are paid “under the table” or “off the books”. This kind of wage money is harder to trace, because such practices are illegal, and hence secretive. Employers who practice this illegal bookkeeping will be unlikely to cooperate in requests to provide accurate wage information. Unless you think there is much money of this type involved, it may not be worth tracking down since it will be so difficult, and therefore costly, to prove.

Many clients claim that their spouse is not disclosing all of his or her income to the IRS, or to the court. One scenario is a self-employed spouse who does not declare all of  the income to his or her business on a tax return. This scenario is frequent among waitresses, who receive large portions of income in tips. In these instances, the tax return will not tell the whole story, and you may need to search out hidden assets.

The first place to start is with your lifestyle. If you are going on lavish vacations, eating at expensive restaurants, and driving expensive cars, consider how much money these things cost. The $30,000.00 that your spouse is claiming as the income from the florist shop is not sufficient to support the lifestyle you are describing to your attorney. The more details you can put together about your lifestyle situation, the more helpful you can be to your attorney. How much does the car cost every month?  How much did your last vacation cost?  Or, at least how long were you gone and where did you go?  Does your spouse keep cash around the house?  Does there always seem to be money for what your spouse wants to do?  These are all clues as to actual income, as opposed to what may be reflected on a tax return.

An even more obvious way is to look through your checkbook register. If your spouse is claiming $30,000.00 in income, but $60,000.00 goes through your checking account every year, that is the first and most obvious evidence. You may also take a peek in your safety deposit box, under mattresses, and in the sock drawer. Your spouse may even admit to you about extra cash, and brag about undeclared income. If your spouse does this, be sure to take notes! Educate yourself and be aware of your rights. There is a lot of free information at http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Also be sure to visit the Peace Talks resource center at http://www.peace-talks.com/resources.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Proceed with discovery in logical order. Start early enough to have time to do discovery step by step. Start with a subpoena or interrogatories. See if you uncover anything suspicious which is worth investigating further. If so, then take the next step to find hidden income or assets. Occasionally, some cases warrant a full-blown investigation but those cases are rare. On the other hand, if you skimp on your discovery, you may feel like you did not get a fair shake, and that is a decision you will be living with for the rest of your life.

Sometimes, your financial picture is more complicated than simply reviewing tax returns and bank records. Perhaps the most confusing of these more complicated issues is finding hidden income.

Avoid falling into unnecessary fear and anxiety by knowing as much as you can about how divorce works. For articles, plans and checklists see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Some terrific books are listed at http://www.peace-talks.com/books.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

Similarly, most people maintain their money in only a few places. If the bank records which you and your spouse have are incomplete or not fully disclosed, you can issue a subpoena to the bank or brokerage house which holds the account. When they turn over the records, you can compare the records against your spouse’s financial disclosures. In such instances, using simple discovery techniques can be cost effective and efficient.

Extensive discovery, on the other hand, is expensive. If you’re taking depositions, your costs quickly add up when you account for lawyer time and court reporter fees. Issuing 20 or 30 subpoenas to financial institutions tends to be wasteful and expensive. If you don’t need subpoenas, try not to use them. It isn’t worthwhile to spend $1000 to find only $1000. You and your lawyer can work together to quantify what you suspect is missing. Then you can make decisions about how extensively to delve versus what level of seeking is not worthwhile.

Jeannette absolutely, positively did not trust her husband. She felt he was lying about absolutely everything. For years she’d believed every word he said, and then one day she found out he was having an affair. After that, her trust in him evaporated. Although her husband was a police officer who earned $50,000 a year, she was convinced that he had money hidden. Because she was so suspicious, and because police officers often have overtime pay which can be hard to accurately calculate, as well as substantial pensions, we issued a subpoena to his employer. We received the income and pension records from the employer. Sure enough, the husband had made a mistake (intentional or not) on his financial affidavit and had not included some overtime income. He had also underestimated his pension benefits. It was only about $50 per week in income and $2500 from his pension, and his lawyer, embarrassed at his client’s mistake, quickly revised his financial statement. This cost about $50. It helps if you can feel more in control of your process by knowing as much as you can. For articles, plans and checklists see http://www.peace-talks.com/divorceinformation.php. Some terrific books are listed at http://www.peace-talks.com/books.php.

Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.

For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com 

(C) 2008  Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.

This season more frightening than fun for many people, and especially for separated couples.  Negotiating changes that involve children are even worse.  The basic tenets that you’re using to create a peaceful divorce are especially powerful for solving problems right now.  Before you’re sucked deeper into holiday hysteria, become clear on how you are going to handle the challenges that arise and what outcome you want to create.

Communicate
If you and your spouse have not settled on how to handle the holidays, don‘t wait any longer.  Schedule a time to speak with them, and your mediator if necessary, to work out a plan that you can both stick to and get it in writing.  Be prepared for the conversation by being calm, ready to listen, and willing to be hard on the problem, not the person.  Don’t give your kids a reason to feel like they’re the cause of the conflict; their added stress is going to escalate the difficulty for everyone.

Manage Expectations
Be ready to have the awkward conversations with your kids about how where they’ll be and what they’ll be doing will be different this year.  Ideally, you and your spouse can look at your children’s wish lists together and decide what you’ll be buying so that you don’t overlap or be anxious over how much the other is spending.  It will also help your kids to understand ahead of time if they’re getting one thing off their list from each parent this year instead of three things from both of you like they have in the past.

Focus on Positive Outcomes
Last month I blogged about how to create a mission statement specifically for getting through the holidays.  Go back to your goals – seeing people you love (while avoiding those you don’t), turning down the drama, etc.  Acknowledge the people in your support network by giving back however you can; it’ll make you feel better too.

To read more about how to manage high expectations during the holidays, click here and here.