Below is an example of Ralph and Linda in rebound relationships. Take their story into consideration. The fact scenarios may be different from yours and still may give you something to consider.
Ralph and his wife had been married for eighteen years. Linda had kept a superbly clean house, had helped Ralph with the bookkeeping of his building business, and had kept both of them on the straight and narrow. Ralph had become disenchanted with Linda and had filed for divorce. Upon meeting a woman who was to him exiting, fun, more relaxed and flexible than his wife had ever been, Ralph began to date this woman during the time of the separation. Initially elated with this new relationship, he very quickly found that his new love had very little regard for money matters, seemed to be more interested in going out for dinner than having a meal at home, and housekeeping was the last thing on her mind. When it came time for the final divorce, Ralph began to withdraw from this relationship. He began to think more clearly about the qualities that he would like in a partner at this stage of his life. Shortly after the divorce he met another woman with whom he was more compatible, who seemed to have a better balance in her view of the necessities of keeping a home and business and a relationship working well. Taking this new relationship slower than his first post-divorce relationship, Ralph remarried twenty-two months after divorce.
Carol entered into a brief series of relationships during the course of the mandatory waiting period. In these relationships, she found herself reacting to the partner in ways that evoked dislike for herself. She complained that she would react to these new men in the way that she had reacted to her husband during the course of her marriage. Carol, so fearful of losing these relationships, would complain endlessly about how difficult her life was at this time: looking after the kids alone, having to be solely responsible for the household, and the lack of being understood. When not complaining, Carol would endlessly try to please each of her new dates. She didn’t know how to ask directly for her needs to be met in these relationships. She tried to take on the interests and the hobbies of each boyfriend, regardless of whether or not she enjoyed these pursuits. The seesaw of complaining and compliance gave off the effect of Carol being an emotional child, causing Carol to doubt herself as to whether or not she would ever be able to have a relationship that was fulfilling and meaningful.
The bottom line: postpone serious involvement with someone new until you are certain that you are past both the legal and emotional divorce recovery time!
For a good video on rebound relationships, see http://www.expertvillage.com/video/151790_can-rebound-relationship-feel-like.htm. A good article is listed at http://www.forbeginners.info/dating/rebound-relationships.htm.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
For more information contact Peace Talks www.peace-talks.com
(C) 2008 Peace Talks Mediation Services, Inc.
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Tags: Moving On, New Relationships
