In this era of no-fault divorce, judges rarely focus on transgressions such as dating. Unfortunately, sexism still reigns supreme in some courtrooms, and standards are tougher in this regard for women. Mothers are expected to put their children’s needs above their own. Dating someone else seriously, especially when a sexual relationship is involved, is still viewed as a distraction from mothers’ primary responsibility to their children. Fathers may not be viewed as negatively for dating someone else, but if you are a father who is in arrears for child support and seeing someone else, beware of the message you are sending to the judge. The new relationship may not be viewed as a distinct issue from the divorce.
Having sex with other people during divorce is often raised by spouses as an example of why the other parent is not fit to be a sole custodian, have liberal access, or spend overnights with the children. Unmarried sex is still viewed as controversial in many relationships and is reflected so in the legal system. The amount of emphasis placed on sexual relations differs across the country based on the values and mores of the area, the court, and the particular judge. Having sex when minor children are present in the home is still viewed in many districts as constituting an unwholesome living environment.
But it is not the judge who is going to give you the hardest time about dating in most cases. It is your spouse. No matter how your spouse has behaved previously, dating during the divorce process can be a hazardous venture. Many spouses are amazed at the jealousy their partner exhibits as soon as he or she finds out they are dating. This is a common phenomenon even among partners who initiated the divorce and are involved with a new person themselves. A double standard emerges in which your spouse explains her behavior based on what’s her due because of past hurts. You, on the other hand, should stay home, and lament her new relationship. Once you begin to enjoy a new relationship, your spouse may resent it, and begin to give you a very difficult time in the divorce. For two great articles on dating during divorce, see http://www.gagelaw.com/DatingDuringDivorce.shtml and also http://www.divorcepeers.com/dating-during-divorce.htm.
Excerpted from Your Divorce Advisor: A Lawyer and a Psychologist Guide You Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce (Simon & Schuster/Fireside 2001). For more information: http://www.yourdivorceadvisor.com/.
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Tags: Moving On, New Relationships
